on being in motion

The eight of wands, or Sticks as this deck calls them, is a card that speaks of being in motion, of movement - whether that be physical, literal, or in thought and realization. It is a card of going, of doing, of energy. It can also be the card of swiftness, of needing to act and to decide now rather than later, of acting in the moment.

Here we see three women moving, running and leaping forward through the woods. The women resemble each other in appearance and motion, but each goes about her way at different speeds, on the ground or almost sailing in the air above it. Their bodies are flexible, bending and stretching as far as needing to move past the trees, their obstacles.

I had a bit of a busy couple of days - not in the sense of doing anything significant or important, but just...places to go, people to see, buses to other cities to take. I have trouble not getting exhausted and overwhelmed sometimes by the logistics, particularly since I'm out of the habit of doing very much at once, lately.

Here, I see a reminder - sometimes you just need to keep moving, get your shit together and go where you need to go, do what you need to do; sometimes you just have to do whatever it is now, not later. In helps to remember that there are different ways of being in motions, different approaches to getting where you need to go, ways to adjust to your needs and capabilities; it helps to remember to be flexible, to remember that you are dynamic - make it work for you, the swiftness.

realities and dreams

(I've been working my way back into tarot things with small 1-2 card draws. Figured it was time to try to work my way into writing about them too...)

Right now, what do I need to know, remember to keep in mind, understand and internalize?

For me, the Thoth is a deck I've been able to read intuitively since I first picked it up, but also one with many layers to delve into and expand on; it's also a deck that tends to give me kick in the ass type blunt messages and answers, but in a positive way. This quick draw is no exception, it would seem.

We have the The Star and the Queen of Wands, and right away the visual juxtaposition is striking: two powerful female figures side by side, a study in contrasts. The Star is sinuous, flexible; her body, like the water she pours, seems to flow. She seems softer somehow, yet also more distant, unearthly in color, unknowable with her face turned away, looked elsewhere, grasping up. The Queen, on the other hand, appears more rigid, still, looming rather than flowing. Her card is awash with warm colors, she herself abstracted yet still recognizable as a real person. She is also much more direct, face forward and head tilted downwards, slightly, towards the reader. Another difference: the star is alone on her distant planet; the Queen sits with her feline companion, resting one hand on its head.

The Star traditionally represents hope, but also inspiration. It speaks of cleansing, of healing, of reaching farther for more. In this pairing, the color contrast brings to mind the logic-feeling dichotomy - the Star speaking to the intellect, to high ideas pondered in the abstract, to possibilities, to 'dreams. The Queen, meanwhile, speaks to more pragmatic concerns, to the actual person behind the big ideas, the person that needs those little material comforts and needs to wonders how to even try to approach the big picture, and yes, in this case, to emotion.

It might seem a bit strange, that the card that represents inspiration, healing, hope, insight would represent the logical part of my mind rather than the emotional, but it makes sense. Tell me to FEEL hope, to think with feeling about what I want in life, what I would like to do, where I might be going, and you will not get much of a satisfying response. How does one even feel things like that, emotionally? My mind is too much a mess most of the time to know. No, it is the intellectual, the logical that has always driven me: my love of learning and knowing all the things, and the things my need to know has lead to to learn, and my desire to do something about them, to make some kind of a positive difference, my love of knowing even if the thing I am getting to know is unimaginably depressing, everything I have ever reached and grasped for has stemmed from that part of me. The distant, spacey, sometimes lacking in common-sense and too detached from reality thinking part of me is all of that. Here, I think this Star is a reminder, to think about those things, those ideas, those interests that have inspired me in the past to anything of substance I've managed to do, think about what I would reach for if I thought I could, think detached from reality for a moment if I must but yes, that part of me is the one that can imagine how to change things, what to aim for, the part that might just find enough motivation in the big-picture sense.

If the Star is talking about what I need to do in a larger sense, the Queen of Wands here refers to the question of how, how to actually do something, how to actually grasp hold of that and actually DO something with it, some real progress: a reminder of confidence, of holding onto the things you know you are good at, the things you KNOW you can do, cultivating some kind of sense of self-assurance, self-confidence, an independent strength that nonetheless does not mean alone because a bit of comfort and assistance here and there is fine, is good, but you must cultivate that sense of what YOU can do, what you must do for yourself, turn what enthusiasm you can muster in the intellectual abstract ideas into creative energy, into some self-assurance, into some kind of determination that you WILL do this or that because you MUST and because you CAN. She is surrounded by spikes of flame, and of course fire burns, can hurt, but pain, too, is something you know well, can handle, if you just mentally prepare yourself for it, accept it, work through it.

So in summary: let your intellect and logical mind think and find and remember the things you care enough to reach for, however far away they seem, and then, approaching the how to, remember you strengths, that it may be difficult and it may hurt but know that you can do it.

Deck comparison, Three-Fold

So a while ago I asked for suggestions to do a deck comparison type post series on. I've not forgotten about it, and decided to start off with a couple of posts following up on an idea posted by thesycamoretree: something Thothy, something RWSy, and something Else. These will be done purely by my own intuitive readings, with no reference material. Why? Because anyone can look up the difference in these decks as written down in books, so why read me rehashing the same thing?

To start off with, why not begin with the actual Thoth and RWS (Smith Centennial ed., in my case) and add the Mary-El to that mix? 
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Starting off with my favorite of these, the Thoth. Here, the King has been transformed into a Knight - less the superior to the Queen than her equal, and more dynamic a concept than the King image. It can be confusing at first, but I find with this in particular its best to just roll with it, is what it is, and onwards.

The Knight of Cups rides his horse, a pure white pegasus, symbols of god and of purity and power. He rides it upwards, away, showing the kind of optimistic ambition that can be associated with this card. Take that too far and you have escape into unreality, escape into dreams, escapism into the cup or so many similar things. Here, more positively, he rides above the wild wave, controlled in his motion so that they do not touch him. Just sketched into one of these waves we can see a peacock: so much show, and isn't it true? Doesn't he grave the applause just a bit? Emotionally he does, for reassurance rather than ego perhaps, but nonetheless.

Emotional energy as power here: the glowing of the cancer crab in the cup, the wings that sprout out of his back. His armor is green, like the suit of the Fool: optimist, faithful, ready to push forward into the unknown anew, but perhaps sometimes less than fully aware of what he should be aware of. His strength is his heart, his connection to others. His horse looks back towards him, ready for the next command, ready to work together brilliantly, as they are wont to. The image scheme here (weird yellow tint of the digital image aside) is largely blue and white, appropriate for the pinnacle of the watery suit, and bringing out the contrast of the armor and the cup even more.

In contrast, the figure in the classic RWS is far more sedate. He sits on his throne, dressed primarily in blue es well. Waves surround this seat, and we can see him holding a cup in one hand, a lotus shaped scepter in the next. We see fish and a ship, just barely, in the water behind him. The ship for movement and fortune (it takes money to launch one, after all) the fish for bounty perhaps?

Looking at this card I am reminded of how, so often, people say that the courts are the hardest of the tarot deck to read. If one is talking about the RWS, I cannot say that I much disagree. We have a king on a throne, facing towards the right, holding a cup and sitting still. He looks comfortable there, I suppose. I cannot say that, from image alone and without my knowledge of memorized meanings, I can get much from this card. This is in major contrast to the Thoth's, where I am struck immediately by all the details and could go on and on about it for ages. This one evokes...nothing. I have to go back to what I 'know' this card to mean.

Color-wise, it is a nice scheme, blues and greens with just a bit of red makes a nice contrast, and I do quite enjoy the muted palette of the centennial edition.

Lastly, we have the Mary-El king. This deck dances to its own tune, its own internal scheme and ideas which are not necessarily drawn directly from either major tarot tradition. The deck creator had very specific meanings for the imagery in mind, but they don't jive with me, so I use my own take.

Immediately, I am struck by the composition of this card. I am reminded of the famous painting of Ophelia, drowned. Like this king she lay half-submerged in water, surrounded by lily pads, flowers. There are many things a king of cups can drown himself in, should the darker aspects of his nature overwhelm. But there is a different here, between this king and the girl: the trident. Poseidon carried a trident, in mythology, a tool through which to channel his godly might, and his symbol.

He does not drown, does not die, merely floats. Perhaps indeed this is merely a swim in the water, a moment of relaxation, a return to easier, less complicated times. Not all escapism must be destructive or dangerous. Sometimes a long bath or vigorous swim is just what we need to take our minds off of too stressful things, to get back the perspective we need.

The nudity of the King also works for me. It general nudity can signify great strength or great vulnerability. This king can exemplify both, at different times. A different take here, on the water element aspects of the card than in the others, but comes through loud and clear nonetheless.

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The message of the day then: to move towards what you want, and do not be afraid to let yourself move forward with optimism, or to take a but of a break for distraction - but do not let that distraction take over to the point of causing vulnerability, weakness.

love of work

Do what you love, and love what you do.

It's the kind of overly-cliched, happy-dandy can do phrase I instinctively tend to shy away from, and yet on the whole I find the advice to be quite true. The artisan in this card-image is making wonderful, detailed engravings on the wall. His work impresses the spectators, perhaps his clients or patrons, but it likely isn't why he does it. So much effort goes into what he does: could a person sustain that, day after day, if the process and the end result didn't fill him with some kind of joy?

It's always been my tendency to excel in the things that I love, and to neglect those I don't necessarily get along with. My grades in high school were a very clear case in point: consistently near-perfect marks in subjects I enjoyed, like history, english, various electives; near-failing marks in those I did not - math, chemistry, physics. I really do believe that a large part of why my overall academic performance has been so much higher in college and now graduate school is because at this level, it is much easier to simply avoid things that you don't want to study (I took symbolic logic to fill a math requirement, in undergrad).

I do good academically because I genuinely love the process of discussion, reading, research, writing - enough to drive me forward even when things get insanely stressful, when the work just piles on. It takes so much more discipline to stick to something you don't have a passion for. But then, should you? Life being short as it is, is it worth it spending time working on things you have no love for, if your circumstances don't necessitate it? Persistence isn't always a virtue. Even if it may feel like failure, perhaps sometimes it is best to simply walk away.

On the other hand, a reminder too, here, about the importance of continuing to engage in activities I love, of combining productivity with pleasure, things I enjoy. The creative aspect of this picture especially come to mind - yesterday afternoon, I picked up my camera for the first time in many months. The cherry blossom trees are blooming again, and they make for such lovely pictures. I took many. Photography is one of the things I love doing, when the mood strikes me - perhaps it is one of those things I should try to do more of...

from too much to just enough

Two eight cards, we have here, with rather different images. In the eight of cups we have an image of  overindulgence, or perhaps apathy - unwillingness or inability to appreciate the plenty all around. The woman sits at the table, barely awake, with wine spilt, food and drink knocked over and wasted on the floor beside her. Flowers are still blooming in the table-cup, but already we see them beginning to droop and wilt. Meanwhile, more wine still is being poured - more more, always more. Is she sitting on a dock of some sort, or is that a stage, the beautiful scene behind her simply a painting, an illusion? Does it matter?

Interesting phenomenon this card reminds me of - the fact that sometimes, plenty can be as much of a curse as lack. Not just in the simple sense, over-indulgence in food or drink but in the way it takes away the drive to work, experiment, improve. In political science and economics there are frequent references to the so-called 'resource curse' wherein countries that have plentiful natural resources, particularly oil and gas, tend not to develop diverse or advanced economies and often have stagnant/repressive/unstable political systems as well, whereas some of the most dynamic economies in the world can be found in places with almost no natural resources to speak of at all - Singapore being one oft-cited example. Why is that? Because why invest in building infrastructure, why take on the risk entering the unknown, why go through the hassle of dealing with international investors or partners when you can just sell sell sell what you have and they don't? Why satisfy your people with meaningful political reforms if you can buy them off with your oil money?

Likewise, over-abundance can undermine the ability to appreciate what you have. Who hasn't met or heard of a young child, toys enough to fill so many rooms given by well-meaning parents or relatives, and each played with for a bit and then ignored. Fancy, expensive toys they can be, but when you have so many of them, and the certainty of getting yet more, how could you possibly care much for any one of them? You think of them as disposable because they become so. Contrast that with the child who only has one doll, or even siblings made to share it. It could be a cheap doll, comely, home-made, falling apart - but it is your one toy, your one treasure, to love and to guard carefully.

Appreciation, and satisfaction. While I'm certainly not the type to constantly buy the newest, shiniest things, not the type that sees giving expensive gifts as the most meaningful expression of feeling, neither do I subscribe to the belief that things/possessions are unimportant. In the second card, the eight of disks, woman and rabbit and birds all enjoy the tree, the shade it gives, the shelter and the fruits which can be harvested.

When you work hard to get something, or when you create it because the process of creating - whether gardening, painting, or even putting a computer together - is something you enjoy, then yes the resulting possession can bring you real joy and happiness. When you choose what you let yourself have carefully, realistically, getting only those things that you know are best for you and letting the rest go instead of trying to grab one of everything, it becomes much easier to connect with what you have. Different people and creatures can enjoy the same thing, the same tree, in various ways. Enjoy what you truly need and love, and be willing to let go of the rest.

(In tarot-related terms, a reminder of my intention to let go of/cull some of my less used and less loved decks in the near-future...)

on charging forward, and refusing to see

So, seems like I feel like going another round with a deck I quite very much liked last time I worked with it...the Swedish Witch.

We have in this draw the Knight of Swords and the Ten of Wands - and rather strong a contrast, in terms of the mood and the color palette of the two cards.

The knight moves forward over clouds, confidently seated in his chariot and pulled by so many angelic children with their little wings and bright purple hair. They seem to be enjoying the work, not yet seeing it as a burden. The knight has a sunflower-shaped hat and the real sun shining behind him, his sword held firmly upright. He charges forward, optimistic, excited, convinced of his purpose and his ability to fulfill it.

Next to that, we have quite another scene entirely. A bonfire, a pyre made of wands, and a man in the center of it, tied naked to a stake as he burns. Whereas in the first card to two birds made up the side and handrests of the knight's mighty chariot, here they fly into the fire, into the same destruction that he is already doomed to. The fairies and hedgehogs are smarter, getting away while they can, preparing to start anew elsewhere. Will they learn a lesson from this, in the way that the man, the knight could not?

It's funny that I would draw these cards today, when I have just spent the last two days or so finishing readings assignments for one of my classes about the Second Indochina War - that is to say, Vietnam. It's so much a part of our culture, the historical memory around that time, even for those of us who weren't alive yet, who parents were then far and away from this country...

Do the reading, it is mind-boggling how very much these two cards can be seen as representing the approach of the US military (and army in particular) to war. Military leaders that forged on into the conflict, supremely convinced that there methods were right, would provide a quick victory. Lots of soldiers and firepower had won WW2 had they not? They didn't listen to those who would say - but this isn't the same kind of war at all. They did not seek out advice or listen when it was preferred from other militarizes who had fought very similar conflicts quite recently. When things went wrong they refused to analyze why, refused any suggestion that there approach was not the right one. More soldiers is what we need, more purple haired children to send into the fray, so self-assured that they refused to even acknowledge the fire until far after the situation might be salvageable and how many on all sides had died...disaster, oppression, burdens.

And then, US forces withdrawn, the Army proceeded to PURGE almost all the material on lessons learned from their training and curriculum. Why focus on what we did wrong when we can comfort ourselves with what we  know we can do well, conventional wars against proper governments on terrain we like.

Years later history repeats. Iraq, and the oft-cited comparison to Vietnam is not so melodramatic from a certain perspective. The supreme over-confidence of deeply mistaken or misguided high level leaders - Westmoreland or Rumsfeld, so much the same - a refusal to believe things might not go right because that is how we SEE them going and of course we are RIGHT and of course we can the children forward to the front, more and more of them. The missed opportunities, refusing to recognize the problem until it had already gone very deeply aflame indeed. A classmate of mine last week reminisced about being deployed in Baghdad in the months after the initial invasion, seeing disgruntled former soldiers with guns in an area that would later become a hotbed of anti-US insurgency, and having no one ask what is going on there, no one collect information or act concerned or think about what this might become...

The costs of refusing to see what you don't want to see, of not thinking through all possible scenarios, of not recognizing your own shortcomings, weaknesses, mistakes. So often it isn't only you that can hurt - moreso for leaders, sure, but even on a smaller scale. Not all disasters can be avoided, of course, but so too not all are inevitable.

color, wonder and ideas

I usually see the Ace of Swords as being the 'harshest' of the aces - new beginnings yes, but often ones that require cutting of the old, letting go and starting a new. Attitude adjustment, as I once wrote - not just forming new ideas but deliberately walking away from old ones.

In this deck though, the images is rather noticeably a gentler one. There is water in this images as well as air, starlight and a sun rising overhead. The light from the star and the sun seeps into everything, filling it with streaks of bright yellow and white. The girl holds a bowl and a wand, ready to fill and create.

Not just intellectual activity here, but creativity. Thinking new things and applying them in your own unique ways. There is joy in this card, inspiration, pleasure.

New ideas, new starts and new ways of thinking. My mind has been a bit all over the place in some good ways too, of late. I ordered some watercolor pencils and a coloring book. I want to experiment with a new medium, and since I love color this seems a good way to go. Perhaps if my attention holds I may work my way up to something more originally artsy than just coloring...

Still working on finding my way out of certain old ways of thinking...its kind of funny how you can make so much progress with some things and yet find it so impossible to get beyond that last bit - the part of things that has become so internalized you cannot even seem to find it, and how to deal with something that doesn't seem to be there and yet, driven you still are, to do the same stupid things again and again...

Academic pursuits still on my mind but also so much else. Random interests, more than there is time to pursue. Distractions and tidbits. Language stuff, stuff about history of my parents' country that I hated listening to when I was young but now find, from on objective historical perspective, quite intriguing indeed. So far quite unsuccessful attempts to figure out something useful to do with myself for the summer. Another self-help book procured. This and that.

Confusing and overwhelming some of this, but there are definitely pluses too, to having so much to do, possibilities, ideas even if there isn't time or energy to follow through on many of them. Good to remember that, it seems.

perils of the dreamy-eyed

We have here my first proper draw from a rather different deck I recently acquired - the Songs for the Journey Home Mini. Unlike the other circular deck I once had (Circle of Life), this one is small enough that it shuffles quite comfortably, and can be used for larger spreads without taking up too much space. Usually my preference is against completely redone titles, but every so often I do make an exception...

The image and title of the first card make for a rather different take, but the concept remains a familiar one. Wave Awakening, or the Knight of Cups in regular court terms, represents the idea of the dreamy-eyed romantic, a person overcome by passion, idealized ideas of what is or what should be. He rushes forward, dives into the waves so full of that lust, ready to see what he wants to see. The water must be warm and deep,  rich with rainbow-colored tones and just waiting to wrap him in its embrace. Everything will be perfect, in this starry-eyed vision of the world. It is a vision full of "should" and "fair", things imagined in so much detail, a sort of narrow, stubborn focus.

The Five of Waves songs, as the Cups suit is called, shows where such an attitude can so often lead to - disappointment, disillusionment, misery and moping. Even here, the way of looking at the world is not much changed: unhappy, but still with those ideas about how things should be, that perfectly imagined dream at the center of everything even if now it is broken to pieces and scattered across the floor. Look at those tea cups - pretty, with elaborate designs and vivid colors painted on. No doubt an expensive set; a sturdier set, with cups enough to spare for the occasional accident, could have been purchased at a far lower cost. But that, of course, would not have been living the dream, the romanticized idea of what life ought to look like and include. Now, instead of thinking pragmatically on how to move forward, how to clean up and continue on and learn what lessons can be learned from the mess in front of him, the figure merely stands and sobs, weeps. Woe is me he says, stares at what is spilt, broken, done with.

Though most of us have (unfortunately) encountered individuals who truly personify this outlook, and though we may be far more sensible than that by and large...most people, I think, struggle with this tendency sometimes, in some particularly area of their lives. The idea of the perfect relationship that never seems to work out, the job that is never what you are looking for in a job, the kid who doesn't act or look like the kid you always wanted to have...it can be many things. It's a struggle, to retain our optimism and dreams without falling into the trap of over-romanticizing things. It is hard to fully internalize and accept, without bitterness, certain simple facts: that the world does not owe you anything, that there are no real measures of what is 'right' in a partner or a job or anything else that are the same for all, that what you want to be is quite often not what is or what can be, that some things will simply never work out and that fairness has very little indeed to do with how things in the world tend to work out.

It is difficult to learn and to remember this: how to see the world for how it really is and still dive, not into some imagined, gleaming pool but rather into waves that you know are frigid and turbulent, will have you shivering, kicking and flailing madly just to stay afloat; to see the broken cup and simply sigh, pick up the pieces and toss them, bring out the mop, brew more tea and pour it again. It takes time to learn to drink from chipped and cracked mugs without that melancholy regret.

memory of games

What does it mean - to win, to succeed, to level up?

There are quite a few extra cards, optional, that come with the Silicon Dawn. Being rather traditional with my tarot preferences, I kept most of them out, but the 99's were among those I kept. The culmination of a suit, its essence developed, a sort of opposite to the Ace. The king can be seen that way, is in many decks, but in a way this idea makes more sense - Like the Ace, this is a card representing forces, situations, opportunities rather than people, the personal.

Fire-Disks, the practical in life combined with energy, light, destructive potential. The metaphor in this card is a great example of why this deck so very much appeals to me. I grew up playing video games - Sega Genesis, SNES, several generations of playstations and gameboys and computer games. Books you could get for free from the library, huge stacks of them - video games were what saving up money was for. You fight and walk and solve puzzles and dig around in virtual garbage cans for hidden treasures.

My favorite games were the ones where you could customize your character. Pick a race, a class, skills to put points into. When you leveled up you could further specialize: would you be fast, or strong? Shoot fireballs, or learn to heal yourself and save a ton on potions? In some games, later on, you would have many characters on your team for storyline reasons, and you had to further choose which ones would be the ones you fought with, developed, allowed to level up again and again.

There were the difficult games where you had to grind - to walk around in certain areas fighting monsters again and again to gain experience, go up levels until you were finally strong enough to face this or that boss without being defeated. There were games where you had to strategize how to develop your character, what would help against this or that opponent. Brute force? Picking them off at a longer range? Status effects, attrition?

I still remember my first ever computer game. It was called Rise and Rule of Ancient Empires. You picked a civilization, built cities and roads and armies. I liked being the Indian empire best because of their elephant units. Strategy there was in that, yes. Which buildings will you choose, which advantages, will you lay seige to that city, take the offensive early on or bide your time and hope your neighbor doesn't build up his forces faster than you? There were the city building games too...Egypt, Ancient Greece. You start with a few hovels and farms, and expand. Build temples, mines, bathhouses, theaters, tax collector's offices. A garden next to houses will allow them to evolve, a mine will lower the property value - even in video games no one wants to live next to a mine. Can you level up that city enough, build the infrastructure needed to harvest the resources that will allow you to advance to the next part of the game?

You would calculate and think, in those games, trial and error. Trade offs, budgeting, this for that and you can never have everything. I played three generations of Sims games and even now my thinking about interpersonal relations is so very influenced by them - sometimes I imagine those bright green bars indicating hygeine level, social need, energy. The bars that showed relationships. Talk on the phone to advance, except if you don't have a strong enough relationship that person will not want to talk to you on the phone. Have you leveled up your skills, schmoozed with your coworkers and boss enough to gain a promotion?

In media video games often get so much flak - the violence, the time waste, the people with the
'video game addiction' and 'no life'. They are not mindless though, not all or even most. I read like mad and played video games too. And life too, has leveling up, of sorts. My social skills have certainly leveled up over the years. My ability to prioritize, my confidence even. Some things still need work...even in the Sims it was rare to have, without some kind of cheating, an elder with all their skills maxed out. That was a simple game. Always you can improve, grow, use energy to become more.

Achievement and pride, but fleeting. There is always more to be done, new beginnings, chances for gain and for loss. Some skill and some hard work and sometimes, luck, or lack thereof. I remember sitting in the air-conditioned computer room in elementary school, playing Oregon Trail. Perhaps if you prepared well and chose a good course and prudent actions you would make it to your destination. Other times, you would be mauled by a bear, your comrades would catch a disease and so it goes, game over. When you can you level up, and then you keep going at it.

hermit's world and strife

The Hermit here, dressed in jester clothes, walks alone as a hermit is wont to do. However, the path she walks on is a peculiar one - pink and peach and violet colored. There are gears, visible and embossed around her, and the passageway to what looks like a door in a much more ordinary world. Alone, perhaps sitting behind that door at home... but really she is somewhere else completely, the inner world of vivid color and inspiration. This is a place where one can only go alone.

The five of wands features two figures, noticeably less human than the Hermit with their black skin, antennas and tails. Given the switch of elements in the disks and wands suits, I debated how to compare these to the Thoth minors...despite the element switch, I think sticking to original Thoth suits makes more sense. Strife I can see in this card, Worry not so much. So Strife then - not so much against others, the way the RWS tends to present this card, but rather against circumstances, environment, luck - things that you cannot necessarily influence or control, but with which you must struggle and deal with nonetheless. The creatures tries to eek out his living tilling the soil, in spite of the angry volcano, the cracking apart of the earth. The stick above his head, something taunting him, the feeling of something always getting in the way, another obstacle or annoyance to face no matter how much you try to think positive, do the right thing...

Hermit, turn inwards for inspiration and productivity even when the world, your circumstances provide you with yet more strife to deal with. So it goes. Last weekend I had ten cavities drilled and filled, without anesthetic. That was not fun, though hardly a new experience for me. Much more annoying is the pain in what seems like all the back teeth in my mouth that started two days later, that radiates into near-unbearable headaches if I don't take ibuprofen constantly. Last night I forgot and tried to eat hot soup and almost cried because my teeth all hurt so much. My mother says its the nerves reacting, that she's had this too, that it will go away eventually and to just use sensitive toothpaste and wait and it could be up to two months...

And so and pain and so. Do feel Hermit like today, not going to a meetup I had planned to attend because I don't feel up to dealing with people. But doing reading, working on ideas for the Arabic blog, trying to get some errands done...gears and cogs spin on.

work and rest

An interesting juxtaposition in this draw, both conceptually and visually. We have the ten of wands and the four of work - burdensome work and recuperating rest.

The former is by far the 'livlier' of the two cards. We see a youth (the androgyny/room for interpretation in so many of these cards pleases me much, I must say) trying to carry a bundle of sticks. In contrast to many depictions of this card, here we see him dropping one - leaning down to try and pick it up without dropping more. As someone who has by virtue of clumsiness and stubborness been rather literally in this position more than once, I must say it illustrates the idea of carrying too much rather well. It's not always about the weight of the load, but rather the tiresome frustration of dropping, stopping, shifting everything and trying again, going on. You can make it, yes, but it can be SUCH an annoying process. I remember once, I had the bright idea of buying two large packs of canned soda because there was a sale, knowing damn well I would have to walk with it all the way home. It wasn't a long walk, but I had to stop multiple times because my arms were literally trembling from carrying more than my muscles could deal with.

The color scheme of this card reminds me of starts or endings, of sunrise or sunset, spring or fall. They are the seasons between seasons, and in a way this creates the suggestion here of a limited time frame. Perhaps he carries it all because the tasks cannot in this case be broken up - must be done now, all now. Better planning might help avoid this situation in the future, but what has already been set in motion must be completed: roll up those trousers and trudge.

The second card, like the rest of the swords suit, is highly suggestive of winter. This figures clothes, particularly the shirt, are not so different from the firsts, if a bit fancier - but then, you don't put on your best outfit when hauling heavy things outdoors. Someone on the Aeclectic forums posted a link to a website suggesting a lot of the clothing here isn't so much randomly whimsical as it is referencing traditional Korean dress unfamiliar to most westerners - intriguing, and though I haven't had time to look into it yet, gives a shade more depth to the images in my mind.

The second figure reclines behind a kind of curtain supported by swords which seems to function here as bars of a sort. Barred windows, that extra layer of protection between him and the world outside. A few months ago I was in a car at night, randomly cutting through (and then getting a bit lost in) the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn. As a New Yorker the sight of Hasidic Jews walking around did not make much of an impression, but what really stuck out at me was the bars on the windows - almost all the windows - of the buildings in the neighborhoods, apartment complexes and brownstones both, first floor windows and those higher up. Safety from intruders, safety from falls, from the cold, the unknown?

It really is quite nice to be able to curl up indoors in the winter, in the warmth. Here the curtain barrier does not seem fully opaque. We can still see a glimpse of the outside, as can the figure who sits within. He is watching it too, pondering. No matter how nice and safe it is, venturing outside again will be necessary. So he rests and watches and plans. Perhaps in the future he can avoid ending up with quite so many sticks...

capability and success

So I drew these two cards yesterday morning while preparing myself to deal with something I consider deeply unpleasant. Essentially, there was a kink with my financial aid/student loan disbursement, the kind of bureaucratic issue that requires phone calls, being transferred to five different people, none of whom quite know what they are talking about, and then some running around between multiple offices. I have some issues with phone anxiety: email or other written communication I am great at, talking in person is just fine, but give me a phone and a number for someone I don't know well and I am filled with dread.

The Magician here makes an intriguing picture in part because he doesn't seem to really...care. His posture is casual, hands in pockets, almost slouchy. Not much enthusiasm at all - the color palette of the card further strengthens that impression: brownish hues, a distinct dearth of any livelier tones. Yet the tools of the suits float in front of him nonetheless, ready to be used. Perhaps this magician is not very happy with his situation, but he has the resources, the personal power and capability to deal with the situation he faces effectively.

And so it is. I may dislike doing it, but I can sound perfectly professional on the phone when I need. I can wait patiently through multiple transfers and keep my tone pleasant and polite despite my growing frustration. I can buy an additional latte to fortify myself and do the required running around. Actually, once I went back to academic coordinator of my graduate program things got a lot easier, because she is one of those people who really knows how to get things done. And so within a day the issue has been resolved, and I can say I succeeded at dealing with it.

Success yes, the much brighter and colorful six of wands. A lot of green in this card: grass in the background, leaves curled around the wands and even a green checkered cover for the horse. They move forward towards new beginnings, toward growth and development. The main figure succeeded, worked with the others, and now he can move on to other, more pleasant things.

shipwreck that's not a disaster

So I finally got my copy of the new 2nd edition Victorian Romantic tarot. I got the mini, seeing as how I already have a full sized Russian version of the 1st edition, and have a disinclination towards owning decks that are too much alike. Must say, it is indeed quite nice, and the changes that the made... I approve. Finally have some time to properly blog with it, too.

I rather like the way there is a very distinct theme in these two cards. Both deal with a ship in water. In the first we have a gloomy, darkened sky; in the second, a raging storm. The woman in the first wears a red skit, and the same color again shows up on one of the folks in the second.

The Tower in the Victorian Romantic is really one of those cards where...the more I work with it, the more I come to appreciate the image. It's an unusual take - no tower or building of any sort at all but rather two figures, cast adrift, hanging off of the remains of a wrecked ship amidst waves, a storm torn sea. A sudden shock, a disaster of sorts it is.

Except....is it really, when you look at these two cards side by side? Unlike many, I tend to see the Tower as a mostly positive card. The woman is tied up, stuck. Perhaps she could work those knots loose, free herself if she was determined enough. She doesn't though, has become so used to the thought of herself bound that doing anything else feels impossible, unthinkable. So she sits at that dock, waiting to be herded onto the ship - a plaintive look perhaps, a wish, but no action. She sits.

How long would she go on like that? Who knows. The storm hits. The waters rage and the ship falls apart. There is cold and there is being soaked, tossed about. There is the sound of lightning and there is fear, yes, fear of drowning, of so many things left undone, so much inspiration lost. It never is very fun, at least not the whole way through, when the tower event or situations hits. It isn't fun to be thrown off balance, to see the systems and routine you have gotten used to gone. It isn't fun to be forced to change and adapt and learn how to deal with the new.

Change can be terribly, terribly hard - especially if you aren't even sure that you want it. Sometimes, though, that storm doesn't turn out to be such a disaster at all. Perhaps you will find yourself back on the shore, clothes soaked and torn, possessions gone, shivering and alone. But perhaps to, you will look down and see that your hands are now free - that there is so much more you can now try to do, see, learn.

snapshot of a day

still too busy finishing up to get to properly working with my shiny new victorian romantic mini tarot deck... so for now, this.

I drew these three lenormand cards this morning and they turned out to be more on-point than I expected. A day full of travel it was indeed: what is normally a four and a half hour bus ride took seven, then more time in the car getting home, my father taking a different route that had us wondering through a very Hasadic section of Brooklyn...

Productive though, in spite of that. Made much progress in completing my work on that long bus ride. The camel here looks to the right, at the sun; the ship, too, sails towards the light. Not quite there yet, the Sun in the center rather than at the end of the line which has this ship, the ongoing journey, but the light at the end is visible now.

A positive slant. The rider and sun together can mean receiving good news, news of success brought to you. I get home after all my moving about and find an email from professor whose paper I had slaved over all of last week. His comments on it were all positive - in fact, apparently I managed to impress him enough that he actually decided not to penalize me for submitting it a day and a half late...something he really seemed to be a stickler for. Sun type sign indeed. Pride, validation.

Sun in the center, and a push. The ship too, is nearing its goal, its day almost over, a journey coming to an end. Finish this paper and put the journey of this semester behind me - if I can force myself to stay awake, sleep deprived one more time...I think I can.

Being the Logical Fool

I must say - both of these cards rather appeal to me on aesthetic-conceptual level. I love how the fool is shown from a forward perspective, angled so that you can see the expression, the smile, the look of careless freedom at the edge of the cliff. As for the Queen here...well, we have the queen associated with logic and thinking with what looks like a cancer symbol in the background, and a moon at her feet. I am a Cancer who was born on a Monday, who has long associated with the logic of this court in particular. Resonate it does indeed.

The message I see in this particular pairing is something I've been thinking on as of late - the idea of living life as the fool might, but tempered with logic, with reason. To me that means being willing to cut away the things and people and situations that aren't working for you, as soon as you identify the problem and figure out some viable courses of action, rather than letting it fester and fester because change can be so very painful and hard, or you feel guilty, or unsure of yourself, or whatever. It's about taking some risks and doing things you want to do, even if other people might consider them crazy, unwise, bizarre - as long as you think through why you want them, how you will approach them, how to ensure a level of safety that is acceptable to you, can reasonably be achieved.

Not about hasty decisions per se, but more about...think things out, yes. Weigh the pros and cons. Consult with people who have expertise, or whose opinions you trust. But once you figure out what to do, what would be best....just do it. If life seems intolerable the way it is now, figure out the least bad option for trying to change things and go for it. Perhaps things might fall apart, get worse before they get better. But it will be a change at least, yes? Something different.

In retrospect, I have no regrets about my tendency, in recent years, of moving around three different cities, different apartments, applying to schools and using loan money to go on trips to other countries in large part because I couldn't stand the way things were and wanted a change - yes, those weren't really addressing the underlying issues, but well - a change indeed. I've seen more places than I would have if I had just stayed put, tried to deal with the same old kind of unhappy. I have seen and I have learned.

Life is too short, and too full of tragedy - disasters natural and man-made, illness and loss - that you have no control over to spend it stuck at a job that you hate, in a relationship that makes you miserable, seeing a doctor who doesn't listen, whatever. Yes, sometimes circumstances really do make those very very difficult to change - but sometimes not, sometimes not nearly as much so as we let ourselves think.

When that voice tells you that the idea in your head is silly, unnecessary, extravagant, selfish, impossible - use logic, and ask, "but is it, is it really?"

learning journeys

Trying to get back into the swing of things with properly posting here, working with more of my decks, etc. The Crystal (Vetro) Tarot is one that I've had for a while, and love artistically, but have not really worked all that much with. I think it's high time it got some attention...

We have here, in this subject-less draw (I do want to get back to doing more spreads/exercises...) the six of swords and the Hermit. I must say, spending some time working with both RWS and Thoth traditions really does enrich the reading experience as a whole. The six of swords, which can be about journeys, movement on to better things, new experience; and also about science, logic, discovery, mental and intellectual expeditions. We have waves in this picture, behind the swords, and something that at first looked a bit like a boat but upon closer inspection seems to be a crab or lobster of some sort. The moon is there too, in the sky - actually, beyond the sword arrangement the card as a whole seems to have a bit of an unusual resemblance to the Moon major. What to make of that? Stepping into the unknown, the unclear, the obscure...being willing to venture for not just into new things, but things that are so unfamiliar as to be a bit frightening...

And next to it we see the hermit, who himself tends to go off, on journeys not unlike those in the six of swords card. He goes off alone to ponder, to think and to see, to gain wisdom without distraction. He withdraws into himself, but this is not stagnant introspection - he is not the Hanged Man, sacrificing his body for knowledge. No, on the contrary - he frees himself from the binding of society so as to walk his own path. He relies on himself - his stick to steady him, his light to guide the way. The sky is so rich behind him, dusky orange, beautiful.

We learn most by challenging ourselves with the unfamiliar, by moving forward even when staying put would do, be tolerable. And it is so much easier to make external progress when we can truly say that we know ourselves, are comfortable with our own abilities and strengths.

I've always been one for movement and doing, but often, to be honest, it has been driven largely by the need to get away, start over, lose myself in unfamiliarity so as not to think of things far too tiresomely constant. In some ways, now, I feel like things are beginning to be more about moving forward for the sake of it - because I love learning, love the new, want to experience beauty, things that thus far I've only managed to see in pictures, reflections, always distant...

And as, over the last few years, I've been training myself to communicate, to engage with the world and with people...I realize that in many ways, the years I spent mostly withdrawn, largely alone, internalizing everything, reading and reading, doing my own somewhat unusual thing...there is value in that. I find in conversations with friends that I tend to be...a good bit more self-aware. An understanding of how my mind works and how to work around that efficiently, a well-developed worldview, empathy and perspective and a certain logic to apply broadly.

Forward forward, then - metaphorically, physically, creatively. 

life as an adult

A puss in boots, sword at the ready: a new adventure awaits. The feline page of swords in this deck reminds me, in more ways than one, of childhood. I think of the story books I used to read, the ones that were never quite just about entertainment - Polish language all of them, first read to me and later on, me made to read them myself, out loud, language study drilled into my brain. I remember cassettes in the same language, stories listened to in long car rides back and forth between New York and Pennsylvania.

I remember playing at sword fighting with my then best friend, searching for perfect sticks, fallen tree branches we could use for our duels, pretending we knew something about proper posture and movement. Sword fighting in her grandmothers backyard and next door in mine as rain drizzled over our heads.

Everything felt so much more possible when we were kids. The first time I met her I insisted that I was a witch - according to my child logic, the fact that I could balance on my stairwell railing and jump off the side of it, several feet down, without hurting myself was somehow evidence of that. So many plans and possibilities and dreams that seemed real, then.

Perhaps it is because you have yet to collect so much baggage, as a child. So many memories and experiences, anxieties and fears, habits, compulsions. There aren't yet so many chains wrapping themselves around your body, trying hard to hold you down in the same place. The cat with the sword moves forward with confidence, ready to take on the new, sure of its own mind and intentions. The plain in front of it is so wide, so empty of obstacles. Clouds dance and sail through the skies.

When you are older you do not look so far ahead. You set small goals, reasonable hopes and even so...trying to conquer a single thing can be so draining, feel so impossible. You find so many tangled knots unwilling to be undone. A string of self-defeating behaviors and habits and issues and each time you try to leave one behind you find, after a time, that you have merely replaced one bad with another.

And all the while, trying to balance dealing with those chains with new beginnings of a different sort. Will they hold you back from moving forward in other ways? Or will it be a step forward here, a stasis there, all dichotomy and juxtaposition? Life is rarely so very clear, once you get beyond a certain age.

On the move

A spot-on reflection of my life right about now, and I suppose an explanation of sorts for why my posts have gotten a bit scarcer as of late here. (I have a history of starting blogs and then abandoning them and don't want that to happen with this one, so I always get a bit nervous when I notice I haven't been posting much.) It's kind of funny, but I haven't been feeling all that much enthusiasm for a number of my decks that hew very closely to the RWS images of late, but the Magical Forest remains an exception to that trend. There's a certain mood to this deck, a certain use of color that continues to enchant me.

On the move, yes. The wands are flying through the air on their way to this or that goal. The golden tone of the background reminds me of dusk, and of fall. I always have such mixed feelings about autumn...on the one hand, I adore the color of changing leaves on trees; on the other, winter is by far my least favorite of times, and the coming of it fills me with a certain bit of dread. But so it goes, and so it is Fall, and things are moving swiftly indeed.

A lot of deadlines are coming up, papers and presentations to get done, research and writing. I had two presentations just yesterday, and two more next week. Reading to do, and so on. Entire days spent in classrooms or the library at school. However, there is a difference between now and times like this in the recent past: that three of coins. We see work here, creating of a hall, a temple; work that comes from within, that you do as much for yourself as for others. Work that you can enjoy the process of doing. This time, there is a lot less stress, and a lot more positive productivity involved. I feel capable of getting things done. I actually had - fun - writing a paper I had to hand in and present on yesterday. I spoke for fifteen minutes in Arabic about Tunisia and my stay there over the summer, filled a powerpoint with fun pictures, impressed my professor.

I would like to say this is all me, just me developing a better approach to things, but well. Credit where credit is due: by taking action a few weeks ago...I think I may have finally found a professional who actually *listens* to me, and medications that actually help with some very long-term issues.

Traveling tonight to spend the holiday with parents, but not much of a holiday it will be with all the schoolwork to get through. I've also taken some action in terms of setting up a plan of sorts which, if things go as I hope...I would spread my remaining classes out so as to graduate from my program at the end of next fall instead of this spring, take an extra semester of scholarship supported arabic study, and use the extended time to work on developing my resume/gaining much needed experience in my field. I've been reaching out for help from the staff of my program, their career resources. It's more things to run around and take care of, but well.

Swiftness in Work. I still use the Thoth regularly for myself, though I try to focus on other decks here for variety's sake...finding that it's titles stick in my head regardless...

making your own happiness

The magician here stands before the Stonehenge, a place man-made ages ago that continues to awe and impress to this day. He points is wand upward, ready to work, to channel power from above into the earthly realm. He is ready and able to make use of all the tools at his disposal.

Next to the ten of cups, I see here a reminder of the importance of taking an active role in shaping your life, in creating that environment of comfort, fulfillment, happiness. If you simply wait for things to get better on their own, for good things to happen to you, for someone else to swoop in and fix what isn't working, you might be waiting a long time indeed.

Even more important, the magician is making reality as he conceives of it. Want and will and action. Making your own happiness isn't only about the action...it's about figuring out what you want, what that means for you. In a lot of ways, the more I think about the ten of cups, the more I question this kind of commonly portrayed representation. Is this what true happiness and satisfaction is supposed to be? A heterosexual partnership and kids, a life at home? Does that make me inadequate, if I am alone? Does that mean that a person who chooses not to have kids will never be truly fulfilled, or the person that doesn't like to settle down? At this point in my life, this image makes me feel vaguely uncomfortable. If I were this woman right now, I would not be happy. I would feel trapped, constrained, overwhelmed.

Satisfaction means different things to different people. The important thing is figuring out what will bring you closer to it, and then working towards that, whether the steps be big or small.

a matter of focus

Today's draw brings back some themes from the previous reading, coming at them from a bit of a different perspective. Here again we have one of those less than joyful cups cards, the five. Usually this card shows a figure brooding over the broken or spilled vessels, ignoring the whole ones. Here we have something a bit different. The cloaked figure seems to be ignoring both. Instead he looks out at the water, fishes skipping through it, the way the sun and the color of the trees reflects on its surface. Perhaps he is taking a moment to think beyond the cups, beyond the immediate, positive or negative. He could be brooding, sure, looking at the water and not really seeing any of it, too absorbed in his own thoughts, problems. But maybe he is, in fact, appreciating the beauty that nature provides us, the little details that can bring us such joy and can be so easily forgotten, overlooked.

Perhaps he is using this time to meditate on the large picture, to think abstractly. The energy of the fish in the water, the warmth of that sun, the slow passing of clouds in the sky - what can that inspire within us? There is always possibility, somewhere around us. Even if it is still vague, a chalky sketch on a plain far ahead of us, a hill we will have to climb up and conquer. There is possibility and opportunity, and so much of that may not be what we planned or expected - it too, like the reflected color of tree leaves on water, can be overlooked so easily, if we insist on remaining absorbed in what was, what could have been.

There are so many things in life that we may have wanted, dreamrf of, planned for that, it turns out, were not to be. Will we spend more time dwelling on that, letting it cloak so much else, or will we focus on the new, on the future, on that vague outline that can slowly grow, become real to us?