Going for it - does make sense

Bit of an unintended break again I guess. What can I say? Not enough mental energy, too many things that need doing, prioritization...
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Anyway, back with a quick and dirty reading I just did for myself using my most favorite tarot deck. I got an email today about a TA opportunity with a professor I really like. Torn between wanting to apply and intense uncertainty/apprehensiveness, so decided to see what the cards had to say to me.

Drew three cards in a single horizontal line, no specific positions, plus one 'theme' card. This is one of those decks where using reversals still makes sense to me.

10 of Wands, Reversed
On the far left of the line, this card seems to speak to where I am coming from in this situation. Reversed, I see here a lack of the intense burdens depicted in the image: arms not full of far too many sticks, responsibilities, obligations.

The TA position would be for summer and fall, and as of now I have no concrete plans for the summer. In the fall, in stark contrast to my usual status quo, I will only have a thesis to write and a comprehensive exam to take, and hopefully Arabic classes - important things, yes, but far less of a busy schedule than I am used to. In other words, taking this on would not be over-burdening myself, but rather the opposite - I have the perfect schedule for it. It would be doable, without too much stress.

King of Swords
The King was on the far right of the three-card line, but structurally it made sense to read both outer cards before moving onto the center. Here we have the strong, precise, disciplined king. A person who is sure of his capabilities, a person who can focus on what he wants to achieve, who can make decisions rationally, using logic and hard-gained wisdom.

And what do reason and logic say, in this situation? Do I have the ability to carry out the responsibilities of the job? Without a doubt. Would I enjoy working for this particular professor? Without a doubt. Have I anything to lose really, by applying? Not at all.

The World
At the center of the reading line we have the World card, representing completing, a closed circle, achievement and satisfaction. She is dynamic, dancing within her wreath.

Perhaps applying will actually work out for me. Perhaps I will get this position and enjoy the work. Perhaps not. Even so, I will know that I actually went through with it, did what I know I should do and applied, tried, made a step forward. I took action, and there is some satisfaction in that knowledge too. In any case, it can only work out for the best to give it a shot, this card would say.

Thematic: 8 of Coins
Lastly, drawn from the bottom of the deck, we have a theme card, by version of what others would call the 'shadow card' or whatnot. What unites this reading, the three previous draws, the overall message?

We have a man in his workshop, which here is outdoors, in the fresh air. He works on his craft, his creation, completly absorbed in it. He is productive and he is doing what he loves. What more is there to say? I value productivity more than just about anything else in my own life, and just about everything that this would involve would be tasks I enjoy doing. Even if I don't get anywhere, applying is spending my time productively, another sticker on my calendar, a small success.

Sometimes its the little things in life that keep you going.

Answering a few questions

So I notice that quite a number of my blogger friends have been doing the whole 30 Day Challenge thing. I admit there is no way that I could stick to that all the way through, nor do I find all of the questions interesting. I figured that answering a few in a single post might be a nice little exercise...

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My parents were never super religious, but I spent a fair amount of my childhood in [catholic] church. I always had found the masses incredibly boring and never listened. At around age 12 or so I realized I did not agree with and could not believe in anything the priest was saying, so I went to my local library and started looking into other religions. Wicca was the only one that really intruiged, so I studied/'practiced' it for a couple years before realizing atheism was the path for me.

Anyway, some of the Wicca books discussed tarot cards, which intrigued me. I bought my first deck ten years ago at a local Barnes and Noble at the age of 14 - the Universal Waite deck, specifically. I disliked the art from the very beginning, but it was apparently the 'proper' deck to learn on and so learn on it I did. I consulted lwb and a book titled 'Tarot for Beginners' or something similar. I had a couple periods of totally forgetting about the deck, going back to it, etc. It wasn't until a few years later when I was in high school that I got my second deck, carefully chosen based on aesthetic appeal - the Gilded tarot. I remember opening it with such excitement on the ferry ride home and almost losing one of the King cards...eventually I gave both decks away. :0

The first spread I learned was the Celtic Cross. I found it overly long, complicated, often confusing and just unnatural. In fact, it wasn't until I totally stopped using it that I found my reading improve significantly, and my interest in and attention to the cards became more stable. I've never gone back to it since. I know its 'tried and true' and all that but really just is not the reading method for me. I am generally averse to spreads that are more than five or six cards unless there is something really interesting/intriguing about them and...this is none of those things for me, at all.

In general I don't have a favorite spread. Other than structured reading exchanges on forums and times where I deliberately choose to use a spread because it looks interesting/really relevant/I just want to experiment, I tend to play it fast and loose with spreads. Make one up on the spot that seems appropriate, or not use one at all. Sometimes just pulling cards I find that they organize themselves into 'spreads' for me...not all decks are like this, but for example with the Thoth...it almost seems an insult to the deck to force it into a spread when it is so obviously able to do that itself...

I sometimes use reversals, though much less than I used to. It mostly depends on the deck. In general, meaty/complex/unusual decks tends to mean no reversals, whereas 'simple' RWS variations tend to be better for using them.

I prefer reading for myself than for others generally, especially offline... mostly because I feel not so confident in my 'people skills' as they relate to tarot, and because I know my verbal communication skills are and always have been noticeably inferior to my writing skills so that...even when I KNOW what the cards are saying, getting that phrased right, on the spot, can be tricky indeed.

I know some people say they cannot read for themselves, but in my case it has always been MUCH easier to read for me than for anyone else. After all, I know all the details of my life and situation and so can make all kinds of analysis and connections to specific things, whereas for other people it is...poking and guessing and talking in a kind of general way and hoping it means something to the other person - it feels like grasping in the dark, whereas reading for me is more like picking up a tool and using it to examine things I know of in a new way. Also, reading for free on any kind of scale would be too much of a time suck, whereas reading for money feels like too much pressure and stress, worry about whether they are getting their 'money's worth' and...yeah. Not for me, at least right now.

Oh, and I have absolutely no 'special' time or place or rituals around my tarot reading. I read/do draws for myself absolutely anywhere - in bed, on the floor, in the car, on the bus, on the train, at a cafe, in the library, in a hallway, really just anywhere. Why not? In my experience it makes absolutely no difference.

When I was in Tunisia I kept doing daily draws for myself when we were on the bus visiting the south of the country. At one point the director of the language school asked me for a reading and I obliged... he spent the rest of the summer calling me 'Deghaza', which means fortune-teller in the Syrian dialect. At one point we went on a field trip to the national TV station and he introduced me to the staff as 'Deghaza', to their amusement. I chatted with several of the employees and none of them ever learned my real name...

the problem with juggling

So these two cards, again, articulate quite clearly a rather relevant message for me. The reversed two of pentacles - the juggler, trying to keep the two balls in the air, trying to keep up with so many things. Too many things - a rather common problem for me, on all kinds of levels. I almost lost my phone last night (luckily, some friends found and held onto it for me), and due to the massive amount of things I carry around in my bag every day - laptop, several notebooks, e-reader, physical book, tarot deck, pens, highlighters, beverage -  I couldn't even be sure it was gone until I got home, couldn't figure out where I'd lost it.

I always carry around too many things. Coming here I had to pay a not insignificant fee for having too-heavy checked luggage. A good number of the things, clothes, that I brought I haven't even needed. And of course, every time I go somewhere, travel or move, I TRY to pack light, and every time I still end up with too much because I simply cannot let go of things, put them aside, leave them behind.

In academics too, the same. I finally got to finalizing my class schedule for the fall, and once again I seem to be setting myself up for a semester that will be...very intense. Do-able, but just barely, and only with far too much stress and not enough sleep, same old less than healthy routine. Why? The compulsive need to try to juggle as much as I possibly can. The inability to let go, leave behind, put aside.

It's funny, me in relation to that six of swords. It's a card both of moving forward, exploration of new things, learning from trying the new, and of letting go, leaving behind, escape. I am great at the former and very lacking in the latter. I do move forward, both physically in traveling and moving to different cities, apartments, places, and more mentally; and yet, each time, I try to keep everything from behind with me, even the things I no longer need.

I have metro/train passes from four different cities in my wallet, still. I have money from three different countries in my purse. Why? Cancerian nature, perhaps, clinging.

Easier to recognize the problem than do much about it, though. Perhaps in small steps...

on being more assertive

So a couple things have happened recently that have really made me more aware of the fact that one of the things I really do need to work on is being more assertive - and especially, more assertive in saying NO when no is, in fact, what I really want to say. I decided to do a reading for some advice/perspective on the topic. With no particular spread in mind, ended up drawing two sets of pairs that really summed things up for me quite nicely.

Here, in the first pair of cards - and notice the fact that they are both twos, which to me seems to intensify the message - is essentially the crux of the reason why doing this, why being assertive and saying no when that is what I am thinking, is so hard for me. I like harmony. I like to get along with people. I want people to have a positive impression of me, to be on good terms with me, to think well of me. Even when this is a bit silly - when the person in question is a stranger who I am unlikely to see again, or someone I know who has already violated my trust or our relationship in some way - I STILL don't want and don't like conflict. It just seems so much easier to go along, to keep everything smooth and nice, to keep up the illusion that we are on the same page, great partners in whatever it is, etc.

But of course that second two, the reversed swords card, is telling me that this is a balance that isn't really balanced at all. This is me taking on the weight of being unhappy, dissatisfied, feeling like I've lost something, etc., for no good reason. This isn't really a sustainable way of going about things. The ideal of getting along grand with everyone, in all situations, just isn't a realistic one. When I go into these specific kinds of interactions, with that idea of keeping EVERYONE happy, what I am really doing is making the other person happy and making me frustrated with myself. And well - if the fact is that one person is going to be dissatisfied anyway, why should it be me and not the person who was trying to take advantage of me or whatever? So yeah, this is an idea I really need to work on letting go of - in some circumstances, it really is ok not to be accommodating, even to be a bit 'rude'.

Now here, in this second set, we have the 'solution' to my issue. This queen of wands really projects confidence, doesn't she? She sits perfectly comfortable in her throne, with that tall staff in one hand, the sunflower in the other. She has her tools, wields them with authority, knows how to do what needs to be done. A cat sits at her feet, which really compounds the message because - has there ever been a creature as self-assured as a cat? The message to be comfortable in my own skin, to be sure of myself, to trust intuition and my judgement and to not be afraid of externalizing that. Greater self-confidence would really help with this particular issue, I think. And if getting myself to feel that right away is a bit difficult? "Fake it till you make it" I believe the saying is?

Indeed, let go of whatever mental things would try to hold me back and just do it, leap into it, do not be afraid, so worried of offending or bothering, particularly when I KNOW that the person I am dealing with has no such concerns of their own. The sun in the fool card seems to be a reflection of the queen's sunflower and a stark constant to the moon in the 2 of swords - it has an eye, open, for knowledge, clear assessment of the situation, awareness, and its presence, like the Sun major, seems to speak of the potential for success. Just do it: No, I am sorry. No, I cannot. No, please leave. No, stop it. Just say it. Sometimes you really do just need to stop thinking and caring so much.

exercise in deliberate succinctness

So I freely admit I tend to fall on the verbose side of the spectrum when it comes to writing and readings and such...but it's always useful to change things up from time to time, so. A bare-bones, getting down to the gist of things type of reading exercise here.
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King of Swords [reversed]

It is tempting, sometimes - even when you KNOW that it is not the logical thing to do - to avoid being decisive, to avoid taking control of a situation in a concrete way. It is tempting to ignore logic entirely, to dodge the call of responsibility.

7 of Swords

It is much easier, to simply ignore the problem. It is easier to go to sleep, to dream and distract yourself, to close your eyes and do not. But telling yourself the problem isn't there or isn't serious doesn't make it so. You are only giving the mice a chance to multiply, allowing things to advance, get worse, get even more difficult to deal with in the long-term.

5 of Coins

Eventually you will need to get out there, in the snow and the cold, and deal with the situation. Yes, it will no doubt be unpleasant and frustrating and possibly quite difficult. Certainly, far less comfortable than staying in bed with eyes shut pretending everything is fine. But it is necessary to deal with that hardship, to resolve the issue. And there is some support for you while you do it, if you are willing to accept it.

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My attempts at being brief never turn out as brief as I set out, but this was quite to the point, methinks. And useful to keep in mind. Tonight, the cards and the cats remind me of quite the same thing a friend was trying to get through my sometimes thick/avoidant skull during the day. I guess it's time I actually try to listen? ;]

making things happen

Having those two options in front of you - the choice, those possibilities - is certainly difficult. You ponder and write and try to figure out what exactly it is that you want, and how to come to a decision...

But what about after, when you finally settle on an answer, finally commit, in your own mind, to truly putting your all into making that vague plan into a concrete reality? It is easy to stare nervously, anxiously at the doorway in front of you. It dwelling on the sudden realization of all that you still have to do with a certain sense of dread. It is easy to wish and to dream, and it is easy to worry and fret. Yes, it is easy to stand in place doing all of those things.

What is harder - necessary, but certainly harder - is actually buckling down and taking care of all of the concrete details, the tasks ahead of you. To look down at that long To Do list, take a deep breath, and start to actually take care of those things, one at a time.

What is necessary now, once you've determined that you WILL pursue this, is to slog on through the muck, to trudge forward through all of the little obstacles, the difficulties, the tediousness. A pragmatic approach is necessary, and a certain bit of determined stubborness. Force yourself on even when you aren't feeling it,  when you just feel overwhelmed. Force yourself forward even when you fell terribly, terribly tired.

The truth is that yes, I have decided, truly decided, to try to make something that would, to me, be an absolutely amazing experience a reality. And to do that I must get very many [often frustrating] things done in a very short period of time... I find  that I don't read as much with reversals these days as I used to, but with this deck, doing so feels particularly appropriate:

The Tower is usually about great, sudden, painful change. Necessary trauma, the tearing away of the old... Here, reversed, we see a different kind of transition: they are not falling, these haunting, skeletal figures, so tired and starved. No, instead they are floating up - floating on a stream of the etheral dreams, floating away from below, the suffering etched onto their bodies, their skin.

Sometimes when that sudden traumatic change just isn't possible... Another approach: the slow building up of something new, brick by brick, limb by limb. An escape, if only for a time, from the familiar, those thorned restraints. Perhaps this cannot be that true, permanent shift, the violent knocking away but... it is a hint, a taste of that freedom. It is the chance to see how it feels to fall, to throw yourself into something higher up.

Who Do I Want To Be?

A simple draw to try to answer a question that randomly popped into my head...

(The first card was reversed; posting in normally because I don't like posting cards upside-down on the blog, for some reason.)

I want to be the person who does not fail at things, regardless of circumstances. I want to be the person who multi-tasks the hell out of everything, the person who juggles, compartmentalizes and makes it all work, somehow. I do, in fact, have a certain tendency to commit myself to more things than I know I will be able to handle without difficulty, and then go through great lengths and stress to get it all done because the idea that I might not get something done, may have to admit defeat in that way...terrifies me. Even admitting that no, I cannot take that on at this time, it is too much for me, is difficult. I want to be the person who can juggle many commitments, and when it turns out sometimes that I cannot, that I did in fact drop that ball on something...that, already, I cannot help but perceive as a defeat.

When defeat or failure is inevitable, I want to be a person who can handle it gracefully. The person that doesn't mope or complain or hold it against the person, if there is one, who got the best of me. I want to be the person who can take it in stride, without unnecessary negative emotion. I want to to be kind of person who can smile, say "well, you win some, you lose some," and really mean it. I want to learn from my mistakes while also being able to keep it all in perspective. I want to be the kind of person who can pick it all up and try again, and again if need be. If I must fail, I would rather it be because I tried to do too much, and not because I did not have enough ability.

I want to be able to move on from failures and defeats easily, to just let those things go and not dwell. I want to be able to glimpse infinity, to really see how each end is in its own way a new beginning, to see not closed doors in front of me but possibilities for something new, something different. I want to have many options, ideas before me, so that if one doesn't work out I have several more things in the air I can turn to instead. If I am winning, I want to similarly be able to do so without causing someone else unnecessary difficulties.

This isn't, any of it, about others, about how I am perceived. I just want to be able to juggle the many things I am interested in, the many things I would love to do, and succeed at them enough to satisfy my own expectations and dreams.

advice for letting things go

So...something happened very recently, that has been quite a bit on my mind, subsequently. It's kind of funny, I posted about it in my personal journal right afterwards, when I was still a bit shocked about the whole thing, and my friends there seem to be...quite upset on my behalf. Moreso than I myself am. The thing is, the more I think about it, the less I like the idea of dwelling or looking at it from a negative perspective because...well, it's all so open to question and interpretation, and it's life and things happen and if you can just shrug, take it in stride...makes for a better outlook.

It's a deliberate thing, really. I don't want this to become some kind of hanged man situation, something I get stuck on. In fact this card came up reversed, and that's exactly what I want...let go, free myself, move on. In my ethnic conflict class we had to watch a movie called 'The Power of Forgiveness', which kind of talked about how different people have varying tendencies to either let go of or hang onto things, large or small. The arguement of that movie, which was in that case referring specifically to dealing with aftermath of conflicts but which I think is pretty widely applicable is that - to just let go...it's less about the other person or people or whatever and more about what that does for you. If you aren't hanging onto resentment or pain or that kind of victimized how could that happen mindset...well, things sure are mentally nicer for you, aren't they?

But here, in drawing advice for how to best do that...I think the message is that I may be a bit over-eager. OK, I AM TOTALLY COOL WITH WHAT HAPPENED is a process, something you get to, rather something you can just logically decide is the best option and bang, all of your brain is in line. Granted, for me I think it's something I can get to in a few days, but still...I need to give myself that bit of time, moderation in my approach and expectations of myself.

See, for me the process is all about logic and dissecting what happened and my reactions. It's asking why and logically coming to some answers that satisfy me and being like, ok, now I can set that aside. A lot of this is about my own actions - not because I necessarily think it's my 'fault' (I don't really like thinking about it in terms of fault because that's the kind of thinking that makes letting things go harder) but because well...your own actions and approach to things is something you have the power to modify and adjust. Even if what happened was 80% the other person - you have no real power to change what anyone else does. That's why I don't like asking (and really don't like the kind of tarot readings where querents ask) about 'why did X do ___?' Because you'll never really know if your guess/reading is right anyway. Some people aren't even self-aware enough to know their own motivations, so how the hell can you expect to figure that out? And why waste time thinking about what isn't in your power to influence? Whereas focusing on that smaller part, the 'well how did my approach let things get to that point, and how could I have perhaps handled the situation better in the moment?' That can lead to conclusions with useful applications to future events.

I like that this card combines both the Art and Temperance traditions/takes because well...that is exactly what I need to do. Moderation, but also the idea of mixing and synthesis - allow myself to really THINK about everything that happened. Repressing thoughts or telling myself prematurely to get over it will have the exact opposite effect. I should just think about it, dissect and process for a few days, figure out how to apply what I concoct to how I want to go foward, both with the person involved and in general, and yeah.

Avoiding the Hanged Man dynamic is a great thing, but as Art/Temperance here counsels, you have to go about it the right way or your efforts could have the exact opposite effect.

a kind of general reading

I wanted to try giving reading with the Master another go before setting it aside for now, but nothing in particular to read on with it, so let's call this a general reflective reading exercise...just drawing cards and trying interpret.

So what comes to mind, looking at these cards, is the idea that well....there are all kinds of scenarios where the lessons of strength should be applied - inner fortitude, the ability to overcome your own base instincts, to do what is right, to be both firm and gentle with yourself. See, it's easy to make choices and decisions that are perhaps less than good for you, especially when doing so allows you to hear what you want to hear, or see what you want to see. People have a rather strong tendency to hear what they want to hear, the rose-colored glasses or the opposite, everything terrible, depending on their general outlook/approach to life.  Look at that cupid, pointing his arrow right at the Strength woman's head or heart - surely not the right place to aim, but he in blindfolded and the organs are impeding his hearing and so he is, essentially, senseless, confused, turned upside-down.

It is easy to be on guard against things that are obviously painful, things that we have been trained to know are dangerous, but organ music? Sweet, nice organ music that happens to be just what we want to hear, which allows us to indulge in whatever it is we would most like to indulge in - laziness, avoidance, some kind of bad habit or vice. It can be hard to step away from that, especially if we have already started to go down that path, already let the first few mis-aimed arrows fly...but that is a fallacy, of course, the fallacy of sunk costs: better to keep going because we have already lost this and this much, time, whatever. Reading about ethnic war and partition right now for a class, and same idea there too....misunderstandings that spiral out of control, security dilemma, escalation escalation and it gets to the point where even physical separation and redrawn borders are sometimes not enough to fully stop the violence and the music, the propaganda on both sides playing so loudly, saying forward, forward go, we must continue on. And heartbreak, how much heartbreak on large scale and tiny, individual, stemming from bad decisions, unrequited love, taking encouragement in gestures that weren't meant the way you take them...?

Sometimes we need strength to take the blindfold off, even if it means seeing difficult things, and strength to ignore the sound of the organs. Strength to step back, to say - no, this is easy but it is also wrong, and I will not do it anymore. Strength for harder decisions, for facing the less pleasant things.

Questions Snapshot Exercise: Who Am I?

So another idea for an interesting tarot exercise. Around the question words again, except this time...do 5-6 separate, one card readings, each focusing on one of the questions through the lens of 'snapshot at this moment in time'.

Who Am I?

Appropriate as always, this card. As a snapshot of current moment in time, this is quite how I feel, actually. The red background - danger, conflict, difficult things in the external environment and I am supposed to face them, but how can I? My sword is broken, snapped. Worse yet, I feel like I am dissolving...

Dissolving, yes, physically falling apart. There, look, my legs are turning to dust, to ash. How can I move forward without them? There, behold, the crumbling of my thighs, my knees? And what am I suppose to DO about all that? Oh I am trying, trying, but can my limited attempts really make a dent in the momentum of years worth of action coming to culmination?

Impossible to stop this destruction, falling apart. Perhaps if I was in a field, in some nice calm place with no stress and no recurring problems, maybe I could figure out how to fix myself up a bit, somehow; but instead I am here, with the cold stone floor and the red pulsing everything at things constantly going wrong, demands and attacks or PROBLEMS, and somehow I am supposed to deal with that, and keep myself from crumbling at the same time and how, how? Perhaps it is time to let myself fall to the ground, a pile of ash, apologies for my failure.

Except of course, that this card came up reversed which...not quite the same meaning, is it? Failure is very often not a final thing. If you fail and give up, than what you and/or everyone else remembers is the failure, right? But if afterwards you somehow pick yourself up, glue yourself together somehow, haphazardly, and going on to try again or try at different things or move to different places...if you do better, then that will be remembered too, might even overshadow the earlier problematic...after all, memory works in interesting ways.

A snapshot is a moment in time, only a moment. Keeping that perspective of TIME, even at the lowest points, is important. Yes things may feel utterly unbearably terrible NOW, at this current moment in time. Within you, around you, everything. But even from this card there is the possibility of forward motion, upward motion. After all, despite everything, the Fey still has his wings right? Still the option of trying to fly away, find calm in a better place, something...

Finding Balance Spread

So, to continue on with my year-word theme of equilibrium, I decided to do this simple little spread. The point of a scale is to weight things, to make sure they are in balance - hence its use to represent idealized justice. So in this spread, I ask:

What influences weigh too heavily in my life right now? 

What influences weigh too lightly?

Again, in the actual spread both came up as reversals, so keeping that in mind in terms of my interpretation but posting regularly because, well.

Lovers of this deck shows up again here, this time to reflect on what's too much of an influence in my life...reversal here makes a lot of sense. See, indecisiveness is ME. Oh gosh, is it me. My Cancerian nature I suppose, has a lot to do with it. But there's a difference, between 'I cannot decide which bottle of ketchup to buy at the store' and 'I cannot decide if I want to try to do something amazing or if I even want to be alive' and the latter, the latter is the crux of many of my life issues, right now. I just so terribly cannot decide which direction to go in. I cannot figure out what I want, how much I really love the things I love. The veiled girl and the traditional girl and I, like the man, stand between my choices but I cannot choose, I go back and forth, probably doing injustice to both because I CANNOT CHOOSE WHAT TO COMMIT TO. Even KNOWING that one of the options is just terrible, in the case of one particular issue...I still cannot choose to let it go, and the indecision gnaws away at me. What do I love? What do I really want? The question looms largely. Too largely, it seems.

As for what weighs too lightly? Well here we have the knight of fire, the wands suit of this deck. Like you might expect, this knight is rearing and ready to go. As is his horse. His sword is out, he is suited up, he is ready to take action, to take on difficult things, to take on the world. He is confident in himself, his abilities, and he has energy and motivation and drive and he actually DOES THINGS, not just THINKS about doing them. This knight has ambitions and goals to keep him focused. That, I think, is what I need more of, according to this card. Something to keep me driven, and some self-confidence, more willingness to take pro-active action, to go out there and get things done even when doing them is hard. Maybe I need to find some assistance, my proverbial sword and horse to help me take on the world and get things done. Energy, though, especially, and forward momentum.

Desire/ Defy/ Escape Spread

I saw this spread somewhere online a while ago...might have been Tarot Dame's blog...anyway, I liked it, so saved and decided to give it a go.

All three cards came up Reversed in the reading. That being that, reading them as reversed but posting here right side up for ease of viewing purposes...

Desire

Reversed Devil? Why yes, quite very appropriate here indeed. Terribly appropriate, actually.

I can't/don't want to get into why, here. Let us just say that it is a very much a 'Devil' type problem, one that I've had for a very long time, that just gets worse and worse and sucks in more and more of me and yet I never really do want to stop, do something about it; at least, not enough to make it happen. Things have been particularly bad in that front lately and as I commented on marina's blog a couple days ago...the metaphor of the tower that needs to be knocked down, but that you don't quite have it in you to do the demolition...has been on my mind.

Other things along the same lines ongoing issues too. A couple of people I don't really want in my life anymore and don't really know how to put an end to those relationships definitevly. Problems with roommate making me feel trapped and uncomfortable at home and trying my best to make that better and yet it...isn't, so far at least.

I just feel very trapped and very sick of so many things. Keep wishing I could just...run away. Be free. Unchain myself and not be here, like this, me...

Defy

Also quite appropriate to my situation right now. See, whenever I am having a particularly bad time...I really just want to withdraw. Isolate myself from everything. I guess it's the Cancer in me - shell, yes, crawl into shell.

I can't, though, not really. I have classes I need to go to, and once I'm there I have to talk and participate because well, grades are affected by participation and so is learning more generally and for the amount of money these classes cost...I better be making the most I can out of it. And I have work, and all the small talk that goes with that.

And really, even in personal life...I am trying, still, somewhat. The once or twice phone call or parents, occasionally actually calling back a friend, and online especially, posting and commenting...trying not to be so hermit-like. I could really be doing more in this direction though, and I know it. Have been letting myself slip back into that isolate isolate mode, which isn't great for many on any level, and I think that this card is trying to point that out.

Reach out. Try harder to connect. You don't have to handle everything alone all the time. Really.

Escape

Ha. Like I said...kind of have been overwhelmed with the desire to escape from...everything. Anything. The world as I know it, as I have constructed it around myself. The way that everything can narrow in around you to a small handful of issues that you can barely see beyond and those increasingly just become...so tiresome, too much.

Also, I suppose, reversed World is apt in that...this pervasive feeling that no matter how hard I try, or what I do, I'll never really achieve much, accomplish anything, go anywhere, do anything. That there will never really be the kind of self-fulfillment that I am looking for. No nice happy ending. That everything is essentially pointless. I think this is really, on a deeper level, why I lack the motivation to really do what I need to do to free myself of all those devil things...

By the same token, I think this card is saying that this kind of thinking is exactly what I need to 'escape'. If failure is inevitable and everything has no meaning then why bother freeing myself of those chains or engaging with people/world around me, right? But of course, you can never achieve if all you think about is negativity, the world upside-down...self-fulfilling prophecies and all that.

Want to escape from the tangible world around me. Need to escape from the faulty constructs of world i create for myself in my head.



dealing with disappointing others

A while ago I did a reading about dealing with being disappointed. While that is definitely a useful subject, it occurs to me, due to some things going on right now, that I also have definite issues with dealing with disappointing others. Not with being a disappointment, but with taking specific actions that are likely to result in someone else being disappointed.

Essentially, this is a kind of conflict between my INTP/Queen of Swords type logical nature and my Cancer side...because the more I think on it, the more it seems just due to empathy. The INTP in me doesn't like to think of myself as empathetic, per se, but...it's really not about people 'hating' me. Yes, I try to be nice and please people when I can but...not at all costs. If I am being reasonable, and someone isn't happy, their problem, eh? And in some cases, this is in dealing with people who I don't even particularly like/am not impressed with/have clearly shown they don't care all that much about my needs/feelings. And yet...I still feel a bit guilty disappointing them. Why? Because I know how crappy that feels and I can't help but want to...not inflict that feeling on others if I can avoid it. But the INTP in me says, you need to take care of yourself too. This is what you need to do, regardless of the possible effects. Inner conflict inner conflict so let us draw some cards then, eh?


What's interesting here, of course is that it's a three card draw of all reversals. That's always something to take note of. I know a lot of people don't read with reversals but for me, with the exception of a few decks where it just feels wrong to do so, I do. Always have. See, when I first started reading, and found out there was the option - well, being the slightly masochistic must challenge meself person that I am, of course, new to Tarot, I would choose the option that meant learning twice as many meanings! Lol, but really, at this point it feels natural to me, and reversals just add....shade and nuance to readings that I appreciate. But nonetheless, an all reversal reading is still a bit 0__o. In context though, it does make sense.

Here's the message I get from these cards - sometimes, you just can't really win. You can't have it all, you can't somehow magically synthesize two opposing desires and make everyone happy happy and please yourself and please others and get what YOU need to get done, done while also doing the thing that someone else wants you to do for them, and you will drive yourself crazy if you insist on trying.

If you want to look at it from that kind of perspective, either way there's a negative - either you are 'selfish' and 'flakey' or you are making yourself miserable and stressed being 'flakey' regarding other things. If you try to please everyone someone, and possibly even everyone, will end up losing anyway. You really do just have to pick one or the other and accept the opportunity cost/loss and move on, stop dwelling and feeling needless guilt over doing what you need to do. Which is not to say the choice is necessarily the same in all situations - if it's a choice between spending a day relaxing and de-stressing, a nice planned mental-health day as it were, and doing a much-needed favor for a good friend, perhaps you do need to sacrifice the me-time; if it's a choice between getting through some of that huge pile of academic obligation and house cleaning/organization and errands that's looming over you, or making time to meet with someone who has shown very limited interest in your needs, well then, looks like it's time to just focus on doing what you need to do for you.

Use logic to make the objectively best decision you can given the limitations of your situation.

Empathy is a good thing. Compassion and consideration are all good things. Need to remember to apply them to yourself too, though. Sometimes you need to put your needs aside and really help someone out. Other times, you needs to put yourself first. Both are perfectly legitimate decisions. Your needs are worthwhile too.

academia-related

so, well - compartamentalization is one thing, but...i'm a graduate student and it is finals week. we all know what's on my mind. so why not read some more on it, eh? multi-tasking for the win, man :D

decided to have a go with the Spanish tarot this time. I must say, Fournier makes some nice card-stock decks if this and the Balbi are any indication. Also, can I say again, how much I love the colors on the Spanish? One of the main reasons I'm so averse to most traditional Marseilles decks is the very primary coloring of them. Some people see that as I plus. Me? Ick. The Spanish, on the hand, makes use of much more complex hues, and they just complement each other so nicely on the cards and...yeah. I do love this deck.

Also, one more related general note: I'm kind of in the process of settling into a good, workable style of reading unillustrated pips. My method has long been just...I lay down the card and an image or images of the card from other, illustrated decks comes to mind and the meanings come to me and I go from there. But after listening to a presentation by Lee Bursten about reading pips using trumps-based method, been experimenting with that as well. By and large, I think I'm settling into kind of...using both. Either. Complementary. Nuances and so on.

---
so yeah, - two sets of pairs:
The first pair general advice: I have a second paper to do, research and analysis heavy, which I only have an outline of and less than 24 hours to finish final draft. Advice for getting in done, for how to approach the situation, etcc.
Second pair a bit more experimental - insight, ideas, something to consider about the actual CONTENT of the paper which I am writing.

this was an interesting pair as advice because at first it seems more like...disheartening description of my situation than advice. reversed strenght - the feeling that things are out of my control, out of my hands, unsure if I can handle this, if I can actually force out another paper of acceptable quality right after finishing the first. Combined with the more RWS based take on the 8 of Swords, the feeling of being trapped. I have to do this, because I am a student and that means that there are finals that are worth so much of your grade that you must do by certain deadlines regardless of what is going on in your mind or your life, That I must but I don't know if I can find it in myself to tackle that lion again. The swords entwined with each other like bars on a cage...

But of course there is that second layer of meaning to the 8 of swords, the fact that in the traditional imagery, the woman may be blind-folded, and she may certainly FEEL trapped between that cage-like arrangement of swords, and maybe her hands are even bound but: dude, if you are surrounded by frickin swords, you can totally cut away your restraints, sqeeze out in-between the things and you know, be on your merry way. It's only your mind, your own lack of confidence and sense of hopelessness/helplessness stopping you, when push comes to shove. Which takes us to the other way of reading this card, Lee's trumps method: in the Major Arcana, 8 in Marseilles tradition decks is associated with Justice. With equalization, balance, scales, making things right. Right-thinking, we could say, in the 8 of Swords.

So what is the advice here, then? To adjust my thinking. My mind. Organize thoughts, positive thoughts, pro-active thoughts, motivated thoughts, focused thoughts. Right-mindedness. The best way I can help myself is to find some kind of mental equilibrium in my approach to this.

now, not to tl;dr over-much on my very much non-tarot related paper here, but...I am writing about prospects for successful integration of Islamist groups in democratic political systems with focus on post-Arab Spring North African states, comparing Islamist groups in Algeria & Libya with those in Tunisia and Morocco...

and yeah, this is actually QUITE apt, haha. The two of cups represents partnership, doesn't it? Successful synergy of two forces, to people, two ideas, working together, cooperation, 'all you need is love'. This works very well with my basic idea/thesis that yes, it IS possible for Islamists to be part of and even at the head of a democracy without it turning into same crazy theocratic state in the mold of Iran. That events unfolding in Tunisia and Morocco (as well as the exmple of Turkey) show that Islamist and Democracy are not inherently incapatable. Also my secondary idea/thesis, that the degree of extremism and violence espoused by Islamist groups and individuals (ie. progessive radicalization of Qutb, for example) is very much a reflection of the degree of repression and marginalization they face from the state, ie being treated like a partner, cooperation, tends to lead to more moderate stance as seen in Ennahda today...

as for judgement reversed, yeah, just kind of backing that up. Rejecting the widely held auto-assumptions that Islamist groups must be inherently bad, inherently anti-Western and anti-human rights and threat to US security and that repression (or support of repressive allied regimes) is the only option. Also, I think, good to point out the non judgement idea in that like...I'm essentially arguing that Islamist groups should be given a fair chance to peacefully particupate in legitimate political processes. Do I personally believe the ideas they espouse? Well, I'm an atheist and a feminist, really so...at least on the less-moderate end of things, very much no. But the thing about freedom of speech, democracy etc. is...for it to be REAL everyone has to have a chance to have their say and make their pitch, regardless of whether you agree with the ideas they are arguing for.

So yeah, actually that helped me a lot in organizing my core idea :0

Yay to multi-tasking tarot fun times!
(this is kinda like the time I wrote my grad school application essays based off a tarot reading, haha...)