life as an adult

A puss in boots, sword at the ready: a new adventure awaits. The feline page of swords in this deck reminds me, in more ways than one, of childhood. I think of the story books I used to read, the ones that were never quite just about entertainment - Polish language all of them, first read to me and later on, me made to read them myself, out loud, language study drilled into my brain. I remember cassettes in the same language, stories listened to in long car rides back and forth between New York and Pennsylvania.

I remember playing at sword fighting with my then best friend, searching for perfect sticks, fallen tree branches we could use for our duels, pretending we knew something about proper posture and movement. Sword fighting in her grandmothers backyard and next door in mine as rain drizzled over our heads.

Everything felt so much more possible when we were kids. The first time I met her I insisted that I was a witch - according to my child logic, the fact that I could balance on my stairwell railing and jump off the side of it, several feet down, without hurting myself was somehow evidence of that. So many plans and possibilities and dreams that seemed real, then.

Perhaps it is because you have yet to collect so much baggage, as a child. So many memories and experiences, anxieties and fears, habits, compulsions. There aren't yet so many chains wrapping themselves around your body, trying hard to hold you down in the same place. The cat with the sword moves forward with confidence, ready to take on the new, sure of its own mind and intentions. The plain in front of it is so wide, so empty of obstacles. Clouds dance and sail through the skies.

When you are older you do not look so far ahead. You set small goals, reasonable hopes and even so...trying to conquer a single thing can be so draining, feel so impossible. You find so many tangled knots unwilling to be undone. A string of self-defeating behaviors and habits and issues and each time you try to leave one behind you find, after a time, that you have merely replaced one bad with another.

And all the while, trying to balance dealing with those chains with new beginnings of a different sort. Will they hold you back from moving forward in other ways? Or will it be a step forward here, a stasis there, all dichotomy and juxtaposition? Life is rarely so very clear, once you get beyond a certain age.

thankfulness

I may not be a fan, at all, of the culture and celebrations and historical background of this holiday, but well. The idea behind it, at least, is worthwhile. So a simple question:

What should I remember to be thankful for today?

The goggle-eyed frog in this picture stands at attention, a defensive stance. He carries a wand, and we can see eight others behind him, forming a sort of fence, a barrier, a safeguard.

Certainly the frog is doing what he can to stay alert, to protect himself and what's his. But what draws my attention in this image are those wands - those pillars of support, those tools. Where would he be without them? How safe can you be if you have nothing to rely on?

Reliability, support, a foundation - something you can fall back on when need be. I have parents that continue to be willing to help and support me, to the degree that they can, even though I am an adult now; I have friends I can talk to, trust. I have cards and books and the healthy coping mechanisms I have managed to slowly develop over time.

More basic still: I have a safe place to live. I have access to food, clothing. I do not live in a country where I have serious reason to fear for my life when going about daily activities  All my life I have had access to clean water, basic medical care, education.

Of course those are the bare basics, but unfortunately, so many people do without them. Doing research for another presentation, readings about Armenian genocide...depressing, that, very much so.

I have tools, internal - my mind, my resilience - and external, situational. A basic level of stability from which I can build, grow. Its such a basic thing, so close to us, that it is easy to forget about. Made up of so many things that you don't even think about until or unless you suddenly find them gone. But they are worth remembering, and appreciating. 

In so many ways, where you start in life is just a crapshoot, a throw of the metaphorical dice. It's easy to focus on the obstacles, on what you were born lacking - but important also to remember the advantages, those wands, the comfort of fortifications.

On the move

A spot-on reflection of my life right about now, and I suppose an explanation of sorts for why my posts have gotten a bit scarcer as of late here. (I have a history of starting blogs and then abandoning them and don't want that to happen with this one, so I always get a bit nervous when I notice I haven't been posting much.) It's kind of funny, but I haven't been feeling all that much enthusiasm for a number of my decks that hew very closely to the RWS images of late, but the Magical Forest remains an exception to that trend. There's a certain mood to this deck, a certain use of color that continues to enchant me.

On the move, yes. The wands are flying through the air on their way to this or that goal. The golden tone of the background reminds me of dusk, and of fall. I always have such mixed feelings about autumn...on the one hand, I adore the color of changing leaves on trees; on the other, winter is by far my least favorite of times, and the coming of it fills me with a certain bit of dread. But so it goes, and so it is Fall, and things are moving swiftly indeed.

A lot of deadlines are coming up, papers and presentations to get done, research and writing. I had two presentations just yesterday, and two more next week. Reading to do, and so on. Entire days spent in classrooms or the library at school. However, there is a difference between now and times like this in the recent past: that three of coins. We see work here, creating of a hall, a temple; work that comes from within, that you do as much for yourself as for others. Work that you can enjoy the process of doing. This time, there is a lot less stress, and a lot more positive productivity involved. I feel capable of getting things done. I actually had - fun - writing a paper I had to hand in and present on yesterday. I spoke for fifteen minutes in Arabic about Tunisia and my stay there over the summer, filled a powerpoint with fun pictures, impressed my professor.

I would like to say this is all me, just me developing a better approach to things, but well. Credit where credit is due: by taking action a few weeks ago...I think I may have finally found a professional who actually *listens* to me, and medications that actually help with some very long-term issues.

Traveling tonight to spend the holiday with parents, but not much of a holiday it will be with all the schoolwork to get through. I've also taken some action in terms of setting up a plan of sorts which, if things go as I hope...I would spread my remaining classes out so as to graduate from my program at the end of next fall instead of this spring, take an extra semester of scholarship supported arabic study, and use the extended time to work on developing my resume/gaining much needed experience in my field. I've been reaching out for help from the staff of my program, their career resources. It's more things to run around and take care of, but well.

Swiftness in Work. I still use the Thoth regularly for myself, though I try to focus on other decks here for variety's sake...finding that it's titles stick in my head regardless...

My Favorite Majors: The Sun

So finally we get to the Sun card - the most clearly, unquestionably positive card in the Major Arcana. Its hard not to like this card, seeing as how in readings it pops up to tell us good things - reassurance, success and the like...

I find that there is a nice variation in how the card is presented in various decks, particularly since - unlike some of the other majors - there is a significant difference in how it is represented in the 'big three' - TdM, RWS and Thoth. Subsequent decks tend to do their own take derivative of one of those takes and...yeah, lots to choose from, among my decks. My final selections, as we can see, are a bit more on the 'out there' and of the spectrum.

XIX. Sun

Favorite:
I've written about this card before, and yeah, it is most definitely my favorite Sun card. I love the Magical Forest deck in general; it is a lovely, quirky, endearing take on the traditional RWS imagery. I think that having kangaroos represent the figures in the Sun card is brilliant. Having a joey in a pouch as the traditional child, with the flag of victory and everything, really works here and leaves lots of room for reading, as I kind of went into in more detail in the previous post on this card. I love the coloring - very sunny and yellow, but not in an overwhelming way, with just a bit of a suggestion of too hot, too much of a good thing, for that kind of potential reading into it too. Love the way the field of sunflowers is drawn. Everything, basically, about this card very much appeals.

Runner Up:
So it's a bit funny that this is my second choice because, as a rule, I tend to very much dislike the TdM tradition's take on the Sun...the whole children frolicking under the sun image doesn't really evoke for me the kind of happy success meaning this card is supposed to express, particularly when combined with the art style of most TdM decks. However, in the de la Rea, this image is abstracted to the point where I do not see children in the figures, rather just the concept of individuals - ageless, genderless - celebrating or enjoying themselves. In some ways - that ribbon - they are tied to each other, and in other ways they are distanced, disjointed, masked, apart: that great gap that always, even in the best of times, separates each one of us from everyone else. The deck also abstracts the actual sun in the image, makes that a mask too, which I appreciate on an aesthetic level - the gentle gold and silver paint on the cards in real life really makes this just lovely to look at. Love the colors on this card in general actually, the balancing of red, gold, blue, and the hint of minimalism - that broad swath of white background - really brings this together for me. I find it reads awesomely.

comparative Sun musings

So a recent post on the Tarot Thrones blog has had me thinking about doing something comparative with reading/my decks. I drew another Sun card today from my current/weekly working deck, and that got me thinking about variations on reading this major. And so - some Sun-centered musing follows...

So to start off with, my original draw, the Sun from the Corte dei Tarocchi deck - I actually quite like this take on the sun. I got this deck, recently, because I just found some of the cards so charming... We have the two little girls under the bright sun (love the details on their outfits!). They both seem to be suprised to various degrees my something - the one on the right looks shocked, the one on the left pensive, nervous.

An interesting reminder here, about the fact that sometimes, good things - great things - do fall into our lap quite unexpectedly. Sometimes, the things that eventually turn out to be absolutely amazing initially come at us in the form of an unpleasant shock. And sometimes, success, the prospect of some particular accomplishment - it scares us. All the work that must go into attaining that kind of sunshine...it can feel overwhelming. Sometimes even optimism, a positive attitude, can terrify - after all, if you have a fatalistic outlook and low expectations, you have a shield against dissapointment. To adopt a positive, pro-active approach is to open yourself up to risk, to pain.  Scary indeed, it can be.


On the other hand, in the Sun card of the Silicon Dawn tarot, we get quite a different image, and a different aspect of the things the card represents. Here we have an queen bee figure, almost a combination, really, of antromorphic bee and some kind of Indian goddess, if you look at her posture, the arms, the background of the sun.... Below, the large, rich hive is busy: worker bees creating sweet honey, everything illuminated in warm, golden hues...

Here, we are reminded of the fact that, excepting those situations where it really is just sheer luck, most of the time succes is built on hard work - work that is sometimes boring, sometimes repetative, sometimes deeply unpleasant and yet...necessary. We see that sense of inner accomplishment that comes from sticking to it, getting those things done. The inner pride, when you KNOW that it's your own hard work and skill that has gotten you what you have. Also, a reminder of how much teamwork, a larger group effort can achieve with effective leadership and good organization - in that case, the kind of collective sense of accomplishment - the elated, WE DID IT feeling.

Now with the Celtic tarot, we see yet another take on the Sun. Here, instead of golden, yellow hues, we have a lot of watery colors, a prevalence of blue. The picture looks a bit somber too...the ghostly figure floating up, the naked woman below, kneeling as if in supplication, the sun glowing dimly, as if it were about to go out soon...

To me, there's a reminder here, of the impermanence of all things. Everything comes to an end, and from all ends new beginnings spring, and so it goes. Good things - the bright blaze of the sun - last only so long. We can't expect them to go on forever, cannot expect one success to be all that we will have to do. On the other hand, in order to embark on the new, we have to accept the floating away of older things, even things very dear to us. We must be ready to adapt, to start again as many times as we must, to accept transience. The things that we can hold onto are within us: a positive attitude, the self-confidence that comes from past experiences, lessons learned.

Finally, in one more take, we have the Sun of the Magical Forest tarot, a personal favorite of mine. Here we have a rather clever take on some of the traditional RWS imagery - the youth, in this case a kangaroo joey, still in his mother's pouch with the red flag of success, with sunflowers all around and the bright sun overhead...

This card in particular makes me think of the effect that the right enviroment can have on outlook and on success - the joey here is safe and secure in his pouch, developing at his own pace, protected from the world until he is ready to face it on his own. In the meantime, he builds up his confidence with small accomplishments, gets experience under the belt. The field of flowers and the bright sun are just the right kind of setting for healthy growth. The right kind of support can be a real advantage. On the other hand, having the joey to protect gives the mother kangaroo a sense of purpose, a reason to seek out that bright sunlight...sometimes having that externalized sense of responsibility, needing to care or help out someone else...can do as much for the person or purpose we are trying to assist. Symbosis. Positive cycles and spirals.

My Favorite Majors: The Hanged Man

So this is most definitely one of the more conceptually complex majors, to me. Its meaning in a reading can really range from kind of positive/promising - the whole, self-sacrifice needed to level up/gain needed knowledge/insight/etc - to quite negative - being stuck in a rut, tied down, unable to move forward... With some majors, when they come up in a reading, I pretty much KNOW what they mean most of the time. With this one, I usually have to...consider it a bit more.

Visually, it's one of the more hit and miss ones. Rarely does a deck have a take on this card that REALLY impresses me, and often, even my favorite decks have a representation that leaves me with a 'meh' feeling... That in mind, it wasn't too hard to figure out which among my decks had ones I liked most. Both of these just...really allow me to get INTO the card, in a way that in many other decks I just...cannot.

XII. Hanged Man

Favorite:
I really like it, here, how the Nusantara at once sticks to and reworks the classic RWS image...the Indonesian art style really works to the benefit of the major, I find. For me at least, it highlights the concept of the major a lot more...clicks in my mind in a way that the image in the ACTUAL RWS deck just...doesn't do, for me. I just love, love the garments on the figures in this clone, and here...for the mystical self-sacrifice aspects of the card, I find it perfect in both style and color palette, and likewise, for the more desperate/stuck meanings...the bareness...it works for me. Love the little details, the rope he is tied up with... The palette of this card as a whole, actually, and the contrasts in color...it really creates the right mood for me.

Runner Up:
Amusingly enough, the color palette in the Magical Forest's Hanged Man is utterly different, and yet also really works for me. The cool blue, and the starkness of the background really create an appropriately somber feeling for the card. The choice of animal for this was wonderfully clever. Hanging indeed! Hanging, bug-eyed staring at you meaningfully...book it paws, is that why it is hanging there, to learn? Or is that why it cannot fly off to better places, because to fly would mean to let go, and until it can let go it is stuck here, between those two trees, in this cold, bare place....that lovely detail of the moon and all that it can symbolize... this is what I mean...this card, which could so easily be taken as frilly, silly deck...it ISN'T really, and it just opens up the meaning so much and...clever, cleverly done.