on longing and dread

Just asking this question: Where am I at - with things in general, in my head, etc.?

Besides neatly illustrating the unusual way that the Silicon Dawn switches the elemental associations of the wands and pentacles/disks suits, the Six of Wands and Seven of Disks offer an interesting contrast of imagery here...

The Six of Wands shows an insect-like figure, the queen bee perhaps, generously sharing her pots of honey with a group delighted to receive it. She is in a comfortable position - confident and successful, able to share the fruits of her successes with others, the work she did so that she could do just that - to give but also to be appreciated for giving, for sharing. Even truly altruistic acts of giving, sharing, working to help others have an aspect of that after all, don't they? If nothing else, there is the feeling of knowing whatever you produced or gave or shared or did is good, is something others enjoy, want, appreciate having, that you are able to do that, the validation of knowing that about yourself. Here we see the benefits of a positive cycle, of acts that improve your own position in life, and which allow you to do something that also benefits others, enriching their lives as you enrich your own. It is an image of the kind of meaningful existence I long for these days, and which usually seems quite far out of reach.

On the other hand, in the Seven of Disks we see a centaur-like figure standing in the looming shadows of forbidding buildings, tall, colds exteriors that threaten to crush, to suffocate. A bird caws in one of the windows, perhaps shrieking at the potential intruder, perhaps trying to escape. Everything feels too intense here, dangerous, and there is no clearly outlined path, nowhere that really looks comfortable or safe. There is dread, there is the sense of being overwhelmed, paralyzed perhaps with fear or uncertainly. What's interesting is that there is no clear threat, for all the fear and dread and looming pictured, nothing that we can point to, there, that is the danger. How much of the image is a matter of perception? Are the building truly looming in a threatening way, or does it just seem that way to the figure? Some days even the most mundane things can feel overwhelming, sometimes a simple board game can serve as a reminder of all your feelings of being a failure and isn't it fitting that 'Failure' is what this card is titled, for example, in the Thoth? How much is merely perception, and what kind of difference does that make to the figure cowering, in that moment?

This is where I am, it seems, stuck between longing and dread: wanting to be able to create and contribute and give, but feeling stuck, overwhelmed by so many ordinary, everyday things.

worries and avoidance

I thought I'd try a free-association exercise with a simple one card draw, just writing whatever comes to mind. Here be the result, using the Silicon Dawn, another of my favorite decks.

We see a woman standing in an open doorway, shoulders hunched, posture defensive. Behind here we see a pair of arguing figures, silhouettes, the tone of the conflict made clear but without details. The color here is red, although that is less specific to the card, and more a function of the fact that the Silicon Dawn is that odd deck that associates disks with fire and wands with earth. The Thoth would calls this card Worry, an appropriate jumping off point given the imagery:

Worry, perhaps, but also a discomfort, and that kind of smothering anxiety that makes you feel like you are crawling out of your skin, and dread. You hate conflict, hate being a part of it, especially the yelling, screaming kind of conflict; now that you are an adult you have the freedom to refuse that much, at least - reasonable adults should not resort to screaming at one another, and people that do are people who would scream at you are people you will refuse to continue to associate with. There are, however, so many other kinds of conflicts, calm ones, passive-aggressive ones you can't always even recognize with any accuracy, petty conflicts with strangers. There is the dull dissatisfaction found in absences, the conflicts you choose not to have for lack of energy or because it seems futile to get into it, the things you teach yourself to just live with. There are the things you did not want but agreed to, because to say no would mean conflict that felt, at the time, too overwhelming. There are, too, the conflicts entirely of your own making, the ones in your head, the ones that don't even make sense if you try to put them into words, but which gnaw away at you in your own brain.

That jagged slash of air across the woman's dress, that disconnect, that sense of dissociation that sometimes comes when things are too difficult otherwise, the way you can, for a while at least, stare at nothing and feel nothing regardless of what is going on around you. You can turn you back on the conflicts, the worries, the things you dread, for a time. You can distract yourself and try to pretend you do not hear them, but the doorway is open after all, and they are there, and eventually you will have to deal with it, the feelings and the thing that is causing those feelings. You can only stand hunched in a doorway for so long before you must choose, in or out, and go with it.

2014: Another Year, Another Year Card

It's been a bit of a while now, since I seriously worked with the cards on any kind of regular basis. It was only when I finally dragged myself to the local tarot greet meetup last Saturday for the first time since last fall that I even remembered to think on the new year, and the new year card that comes with it.

Last year, the card of focus was the Hanged Man. It was a bit of a funny year, really. I intereworked and I moved, I wrote a thesis and struggled to finish my masters program. Yet, in many ways, it was a year of stasis. For a large part of it, I could not bring myself to work with the cards, though I missed it. The future loomed, and yet was not immediate. I tried and struggled, got so stressed I could not eat or sleep for three days, and yet still - was not able to finish my thesis work by the end of December as I should have done.

(Later there were profuse apologies, a polite, professional sort of groveling, an extension into the new year granted.)

6 + 27 + 2014 = 2047, added together gives us 13. Death is the card of the new year. Given that I've only gotten around to writing this entry now, in April, I do already have some insight into how 2014 might be influenced and guided by this particular major...

I fell in love with the Silicon Dawn's depiction of Death from the moment I first set eyes on in, even using it as an avatar on various corners of the internet, something I rarely do with tarot imagery as a rule. The monotone palette is perfect appropriate, and yet, even with such limited colors, this card feels far more vibrant and dynamic than the more traditional image seen in so many other decks: not the reaper on a horse, or standing still, scythe in hand. Here, Death leaps through rain that washes away the old even as it nourishes the start, here and there, of new life. Death advances, illuminated by moonlight, and below other, more human figures run, ride forward too. A flood, destruction, so many things wiped away and yet what you see and focus on is the sense of movement and forward momentum, the sheer energy shown so clearly.

Death is not so dire a card, newcomers to tarot are so often told, and indeed. Like the ouroboros snake I have tattooed onto my wrist as a reminder, Death too is a card not only of ends but of beginnings, of doors and gates that you move through, of the things you leave behind and the things you move forward into. We transform and we become, and what we think we know changes, and we are reminded again and again, that nothing is permanent, nothing lasts, all things must come to an end.

Last year did not feel uneventful, and yet, even in these first three months of 2014, there have been such great leaps of change. I did finish the thesis, albeit a bit later than I'd have liked. I graduated, my time as a student once more at an end. The real world, the need to find a real job, to pay those loans, to be a proper adult is more immediate, has settled in - a heavy, unpleasant weight.

That is though, in truth, by far the lesser of transformations - that was expected, the logical conclusion to the last two and a half years. No, what has me reeling was the fact that I, so very much an I Don't Do Relationships person for so very long, suddenly find myself involved in something very real. Not a brief, casual fling devoid of feeling, this, but rather a connection involving the heart, that fickle, vulnerable thing. A new year began and a friendship became something more; with it, the realization that someone could see the strangest, most disturbed, most difficult aspects of who I am, a decade's worth of scars, and still love me, want me. I found that I could feel the same.

And so, already my outlook and the way I interact with the world around me has been radically altered. On both counts, the end of some things brings with it stress, doubt, difficulty; it also brings unexpected joys, be that enjoying the touch of a person you love, or having the time to play a video game you enjoy without guilt for the first time in over two years.

Really, I don't know whether I should be excited or terrified to see what else the rest of this Death year might bring...

traps and being stuck

These three were part of a slightly larger casual reading I did for myself this morning. I thought the similarities in theme, differences in degrees were interesting to ponder a bit...

A bit of a bizarre scenario here, in this four of cups. It has a bit of an Alice in Wonderland type vibe, between, the juxtaposition of the fancy dresses, the sport turf next to the fireplace, the strange creature leaning over the chair with a class of something.

The woman at the center of the image holds a glass of wine. Her posture is that of dissatisfaction, boredom, apathy. We could call this scenario fascinating or uncomfortable, but the fact is, for her, the person in it, it isn't working. She doesn't want to be here, doing this.

She doesn't want to, or is indifferent. Dissatisfaction and yet she sits, keeps sipping from the glass. Ponders what she would rather be doing, but without actually getting up from the chair. Easier to sit and mope than to take action, create change.

Traps that aren't really traps except to the degree that we make them so. Times when we hold ourselves back out of lazyness, uncertainty, insecurity, caution. The trap that the path of least resistance can create. Perhaps change isn't even so hard to achieve here, but well - it won't happen without some effort, determination, will.

In the ten of swords we have a rather different image - a picture of despair, defeat, resignation. A woman sits in the middle of the floor, her dress pinned down by swords, another dangling just above her head. She sobs, face in her palms. Further away we see a letter, a bloodstained pen - and bits of red dripping from her hands onto her dress.

Was this a letter she received, some terrible news? Or was it a note she herself was trying to write, perhaps a last, melodramatic goodbye? What's interesting here is that, unlike in the classic RWS image, she isn't dead, isn't stabbed in the back ten times. Alive still but unmoving, ready to accept that fate, the final sword falling down onto her. There is no struggle left, only tears.

Why is that? This card is called Ruin in the Thoth. Ruin is painful, yes, dramatic, but does it have to be final? Are things truly as bad as all that? Despair and hopelessness - how they can paralyze you, blind you to any other options, possibilities, paths. Perhaps things aren't really so grim. Perhaps something can be rebuilt, or salvaged. But one needs to raise those eyes and look around first to find out.

Last perhaps is most difficult a way of being stuck. Another quite interest Devil image, we have in this deck: we see the goat hooves, ears, that goat that stands so central in the Thoth card. Here though it is anthropomorphized, woman and beast both. She wear's a fancy stage magicians garb, all show and effect. Not just the outfit too - the entire room we she is carefully decorated, classy with its tapestries, the detailed finishes on the walls. Black and white everywhere, two sides, stark contrasts.

Showy magician with so much control, sitting in the lotus position, balancing on her tail, almost floating. The barely visible occult circle hovers around her, behind her, power and danger you do not see until too late. The two human figures in her case must dance, perform like puppets. You cannot even see the string or chains that might bind them, control them. Whereas in the previous image, the woman could maybe move away if she would just stop sobbing and move the swords that seem so impossible to escape, here we have...the illusion of freedom, ease. We could stop it if we wanted. We could walk away if we wanted. If we wanted. Except the power of her influence is so strong, and the world beyond so frightening...and then, perhaps, trying to walk away and finding that it not so easy at all. Try and fail and try and fail. The devil does not care for our struggle. She floats and tempts and controls with so much confidence.

memory of games

What does it mean - to win, to succeed, to level up?

There are quite a few extra cards, optional, that come with the Silicon Dawn. Being rather traditional with my tarot preferences, I kept most of them out, but the 99's were among those I kept. The culmination of a suit, its essence developed, a sort of opposite to the Ace. The king can be seen that way, is in many decks, but in a way this idea makes more sense - Like the Ace, this is a card representing forces, situations, opportunities rather than people, the personal.

Fire-Disks, the practical in life combined with energy, light, destructive potential. The metaphor in this card is a great example of why this deck so very much appeals to me. I grew up playing video games - Sega Genesis, SNES, several generations of playstations and gameboys and computer games. Books you could get for free from the library, huge stacks of them - video games were what saving up money was for. You fight and walk and solve puzzles and dig around in virtual garbage cans for hidden treasures.

My favorite games were the ones where you could customize your character. Pick a race, a class, skills to put points into. When you leveled up you could further specialize: would you be fast, or strong? Shoot fireballs, or learn to heal yourself and save a ton on potions? In some games, later on, you would have many characters on your team for storyline reasons, and you had to further choose which ones would be the ones you fought with, developed, allowed to level up again and again.

There were the difficult games where you had to grind - to walk around in certain areas fighting monsters again and again to gain experience, go up levels until you were finally strong enough to face this or that boss without being defeated. There were games where you had to strategize how to develop your character, what would help against this or that opponent. Brute force? Picking them off at a longer range? Status effects, attrition?

I still remember my first ever computer game. It was called Rise and Rule of Ancient Empires. You picked a civilization, built cities and roads and armies. I liked being the Indian empire best because of their elephant units. Strategy there was in that, yes. Which buildings will you choose, which advantages, will you lay seige to that city, take the offensive early on or bide your time and hope your neighbor doesn't build up his forces faster than you? There were the city building games too...Egypt, Ancient Greece. You start with a few hovels and farms, and expand. Build temples, mines, bathhouses, theaters, tax collector's offices. A garden next to houses will allow them to evolve, a mine will lower the property value - even in video games no one wants to live next to a mine. Can you level up that city enough, build the infrastructure needed to harvest the resources that will allow you to advance to the next part of the game?

You would calculate and think, in those games, trial and error. Trade offs, budgeting, this for that and you can never have everything. I played three generations of Sims games and even now my thinking about interpersonal relations is so very influenced by them - sometimes I imagine those bright green bars indicating hygeine level, social need, energy. The bars that showed relationships. Talk on the phone to advance, except if you don't have a strong enough relationship that person will not want to talk to you on the phone. Have you leveled up your skills, schmoozed with your coworkers and boss enough to gain a promotion?

In media video games often get so much flak - the violence, the time waste, the people with the
'video game addiction' and 'no life'. They are not mindless though, not all or even most. I read like mad and played video games too. And life too, has leveling up, of sorts. My social skills have certainly leveled up over the years. My ability to prioritize, my confidence even. Some things still need work...even in the Sims it was rare to have, without some kind of cheating, an elder with all their skills maxed out. That was a simple game. Always you can improve, grow, use energy to become more.

Achievement and pride, but fleeting. There is always more to be done, new beginnings, chances for gain and for loss. Some skill and some hard work and sometimes, luck, or lack thereof. I remember sitting in the air-conditioned computer room in elementary school, playing Oregon Trail. Perhaps if you prepared well and chose a good course and prudent actions you would make it to your destination. Other times, you would be mauled by a bear, your comrades would catch a disease and so it goes, game over. When you can you level up, and then you keep going at it.

drifting, climbing and falling

Drifting, drifting a part of you always feels, paddling in this half-world limbo between dusk and dawn. You cradle the moon that holds and that menaces with its scorpion tale - careful, no sudden movements and always that bit of the madness the why not if it does...

The the moonlight reflects in the waters below. How deep are they, these waters? Who can really see beneath the waves, beneath the darkness and light reflected, stillness and ripples that spread across as you paddle and swim, head above and breath and breath, remember, that part it is important, yes.

There is a kind of calm here too in the stillness, the silence, the familiarity. You close your eyes. Are you tired, exhausted? Is that apathy showing, resignation to the things that cannot be changed? Or is it merely a momentary shutting of the eyelids in preparation for something else? Hard to know anything for sure. The darkness and moonlight are full of illusion, fog that covers and obscures, questions.

There is more, of course, then the Moon, the sound of splashing waves. There is the real world, the world around you that you can see and touch, explore. Here you would climb onto rooftops, work carefully, wielding those tools, building up towards...something.

So many waves here too, of a completely different sort. Invisible waves which fill the air and the sky with signal and knowledge, so much knowledge spread in so intangible a form. Waves and waves that connect you to people in little houses and windows so far away. You spread your own words and find that of others. Speak and listen and learn. How much possibility, opportunity did you gain from those waves, from voices and images broadcast over such distances? Where would you be without them?

A contrast to the moon, to isolation, to meditation with a focus on within. Here is the world, close by even when it is so very far. Here is reaching out and grasping and forcing yourself to learn to do things so you can grasp all that much more. Waves in air - you will never see them, never splash and swim in them and yet...here you are, windows open in a room, listening to a poem recited in another language as you pull cards because it is beautiful, calming.

And farther out still from yourself, from the world around you, there is space, the universe, things so large and so abstract as to be impossible to truly quantify or imagine - for you at least; you will never be a physicist, a mathematician.

Tree trunk and leaves and fire-colored flowers, earth and whimsy, fall through that space, the glittering darkness. You laugh while falling, laugh at all you cannot see and cannot control. What are you falling towards, and does it matter? In a way this space, this absence of, makes all things at once quite close and very far away indeed. Like memory - the smell of jasmine flowers, the little potted plant on your dresser starting to bloom; nostalgia for the bush that grew on the wall of your landlord's courtyard under the hot summer sun, the little boys who tried to sell necklaces and bushels of the plaited, aromatic flowers, "one dinar, one dinar". Close and far, you fall away from things and into other things and you laugh though sometimes, often you land ungracefully, with a thunk, with pain and groans.

Dreams, abstractions, ideas, memories, flights of fancy, carelessness. Which is more overwhelming - to be drifting through waters of you, you, so much you or to plunge downwards through so much vastness, the realization that you are really so very small and there is so much you will never see or know? A matter of perspective as always - you live all three at these at once, every day.

kings and knights and pondering technology

In a quite distinctly modern take on the King of Swords, we have the man piloting what looks to be a fighter jet of some sort. I say that based solely, of course, on my experiences in the Smithsonian Air and Space museum. One thing I love about DC is that there are so many completely free museums...

But yes, planes, jets, bombers. It's amazing when you think of it, how rapidly aerial technology developed. We spent thousands of years never more than dreaming of flight, and then suddenly two brothers put together a flimsy contraption that manages to take off and stay in the air. Less than two decades later planes are being used in the first world war, with stunningly high casualties for pilots. Scouting missions at first, but well...someone gets the bright idea of shooting from the plane and then everyone does it and then there is bombing, gassing, machine guns mounted on. By the second world war they are made of cold metal, different types, models worked by nascent air forces, day and night bombing, the blitz, firebombings that kill so many millions in certain cities, nuclear bombs dropped too... Now we have drones, man-less aerial craft that can go across borders, spy and kill who knows what and where and why...

Isn't he all about precision, focus, this King?  Isn't he all about coldly judging what to do, using logic, and getting it done? Efficiency, detachment.

And quite similar to the Thoth knight he is too - the same armor but now of course it is a shirt with a modern decal. Instead of the golden steed we have the jet, its windows tinted yellow, the screen in front of the knight so that he may measure, analyze, target. No more need for extended daggers and swords. Now you point and click and things are destroyed, accomplished, undone.

Now you point and click. It boggles my mind, how much of a pain focused, graduate-level academic research must have been before the advent of computers. I have a topic and I type a few words into some search engines and pull up numerous articles going back decades, pull up a list of relevant books, many of which have the parts I need available on google books, others downloadable, or easy to reserve so I only have to stop by the front desk of the library. I can pull up newspaper articles from any number of publications. I can even find documentaries in other languages, programs from the National TV station of Algeria and from Al-Jazeera, and sit back and watch. All of this in a single afternoon, and save everything that looks relevant to my oh-so-easily-searchable gmail account, and voila the bulk of the legwork for an important project is taken care of, to be continued at my leisure.

The same spirit and drive this knight has, in both depictions, and the same goals and purpose. But means change, presentation changes, even attitudes change. Technology does have its drawbacks and I think many of them have more to do with attitudes it engenders than anything else. Why memorize when you can always look up, right? And yes, in many ways memorization is not efficient these days but stretch the brain muscles it does in interesting ways, to be able to recite things at length from memory, lists of names and poems. Even worse is the way so many people use computers and tablets and such in class. I've tried it both ways, and granted, my note-taking is always questionable - but my mad doodling helps me think, and more importantly paper and pen do not offer nearly as much opportunity for distraction and shortcuts which undermine learning processes. I had a classmate in Tunisia who would look up words while speaking in class on google translate, his laptop always open, and yes so you never search for a word but you also never remember the ones you use afterwards.

But so it goes and so everyone chooses for themselves how to use the tools they have, and in many ways, if you are like the king of swords...there is so much you can do with it. There is so much possibility. You can fly so fast and so unimagineably far. Goggles and gloves and glittering wings; even with so much power, he still enjoys the experience, the forward momentum of his ability.

hermit's world and strife

The Hermit here, dressed in jester clothes, walks alone as a hermit is wont to do. However, the path she walks on is a peculiar one - pink and peach and violet colored. There are gears, visible and embossed around her, and the passageway to what looks like a door in a much more ordinary world. Alone, perhaps sitting behind that door at home... but really she is somewhere else completely, the inner world of vivid color and inspiration. This is a place where one can only go alone.

The five of wands features two figures, noticeably less human than the Hermit with their black skin, antennas and tails. Given the switch of elements in the disks and wands suits, I debated how to compare these to the Thoth minors...despite the element switch, I think sticking to original Thoth suits makes more sense. Strife I can see in this card, Worry not so much. So Strife then - not so much against others, the way the RWS tends to present this card, but rather against circumstances, environment, luck - things that you cannot necessarily influence or control, but with which you must struggle and deal with nonetheless. The creatures tries to eek out his living tilling the soil, in spite of the angry volcano, the cracking apart of the earth. The stick above his head, something taunting him, the feeling of something always getting in the way, another obstacle or annoyance to face no matter how much you try to think positive, do the right thing...

Hermit, turn inwards for inspiration and productivity even when the world, your circumstances provide you with yet more strife to deal with. So it goes. Last weekend I had ten cavities drilled and filled, without anesthetic. That was not fun, though hardly a new experience for me. Much more annoying is the pain in what seems like all the back teeth in my mouth that started two days later, that radiates into near-unbearable headaches if I don't take ibuprofen constantly. Last night I forgot and tried to eat hot soup and almost cried because my teeth all hurt so much. My mother says its the nerves reacting, that she's had this too, that it will go away eventually and to just use sensitive toothpaste and wait and it could be up to two months...

And so and pain and so. Do feel Hermit like today, not going to a meetup I had planned to attend because I don't feel up to dealing with people. But doing reading, working on ideas for the Arabic blog, trying to get some errands done...gears and cogs spin on.

advice about another blog

So, writing the answer post last night got me thinking a bit, and I decided to start using a new tag on this blog: free-form reading. Going to use this for readings that are meant to be more in-depth/focused than the 'quick draw' or 'day draw', ie. just randomly pulling a few cards, but in which I do not use any kind of formal spread and let the cards just sort themselves out as they will. As I wrote, with certain decks I sometimes like not being beholden to any predetermined card positions, and figured I might as well systematize that a bit here.

That said, I decided to do such a reading to get some advice about an idea I've been pondering - restarting the Arabic writing blog I hate created over the summer and abandoned soon thereafter.

I.

A fairly unconventional portrayal of the Emperor, wearing a dress and a mask. His real face is turned away, gazing towards the background. We see there a silhouetted scene, a two sides of a precipice connected by a carefully constructed bridge. It was proper planning, organization and management that allowed that bridge to be built. Now he leans on a sword, something to steady him as he looks beyond the horizon, still supervising.

The long view, organization and discipline. This is the crux of why I am thinking of the blog. I was a bit ahead of many of my classmates even before I went to Tunisia, on account of having studied Arabic several years ago; even if you have forgotten most in the meantime, coming at something for a second time really does make it easier. I expected to be ahead last fall and I was - and still am, even with a new professor who is noticeably stricter and better at teaching. I understand concepts faster and am much more comfortable with many of the grammar structures and have noticeably more vocabulary. Part of it I think too is the age difference - being older and more experienced and having a bit of a different attitude towards classes and learning...

That being said, I KNOW that one of the best ways for me to practice, improve and remember things is by writing. Unfortunately, writing assignments longer than a paragraph or so are rather rare indeed. If I could discipline myself to do it on my own, I would gain much. Of course, the Emperor also points out my weakness in such thing - being organized in making time to keep doing it, not getting distracted. I know it would help build up my language skills further, but can I get the proper grip on myself? I tend to start projects and then...take ages to finish them... *cough*thatLenormandIwantto*cough*

II.

The Queen of Cups, like the rest of the courts in this deck, is freed from the constraints of typical imagery. There are no thrones for these folks, no horses or chariots. Instead we see more natural habitats. The Queen is depicted under water, as comfortable beneath the waves as most people are above them. She carries a cup, unselfconsciously enjoying herself, being where she belongs.

Writing has long been my comfort zone - the thing I feel I am good at, the best way to work through complicated thoughts and emotions, me at my most eloquent. Apparently this extends to all languages - when I studied French I liked writing essays, and even in Polish, where my spelling is rather terrible...what I write tends to sound far more sophisticated than my typical speech.

I like writing, learning, challenging myself intellectually. Intuitively, this does feel like a good idea, something I want to do.

III.

Whereas the majors in the Silicon Dawn by and large hew to the RWS tradition, the minors are quite noticeably more Thothy - a common theme in several Thoth inspired decks, come to think of it... In any case, the image here very much calls back to the 6 of Cups in the Thoth, titled Pleasure. We see a figure, half woman half sea serpent, her upper body in almost the same posture of enjoyment as the Queen. The cups here vary - beer pitchers, water glasses, coffee mugs; it all mixes together below. Pleasure can take many forms - the crux is her, at the center, reaching towards the light.

In terms of how to approach this project, this card advises me not to take things so seriously. Yes, in the grand scheme of things it is about building language skills, being methodical and organized in my learning, the understanding that if you really want something it is about more than just the time you spend in the classroom...but that basis does not mean I have to be Super Serious in how I go about it. It is not, after all, homework. It is not an assignment of any sort. The Arabic blog is for me, and we all know it is much easier to stick to doing something if you actually like doing it. The reason I am still writing in this here tarot blog is because I enjoy blogging about tarot cards.

So if I want to rant about the world, if I want to write silly short stories and fictional character studies, if I want to write about tarot cards even (which is another idea that has definitely crossed my mind), I can. I can include pictures, prompts, whatever. This is for me, and why not be as silly and random and self-indulgent with it as I want? As long as I am writing, I am doing things right.

IV.

Summarizing the reading up we have the first of the three 'official' Fools in the deck. The image is all black and white, its perspective jarring. This fool is a mere sketch, not even properly inked - so very tentative and yet already she is jumping off of that cliff into the unknown and uncertain. The similarly newly-sketched dog behind her yaps. You cannot see it on the scan, but the actual card subtly shows that even this first, virgin leap is not so wild an act as it may seem. Like the other fools this one too has wings, only visible when the card is held at a certain angle; in fact, the UV effect covers all of the woman, the dog, the cliff. Just sketched in they may be but they are, in that way, more real and solid than anything else...

There are three fools in this deck and yet it was this one that came up: the first, the youngest, the seemingly just barely there it. My Arabic too, in many ways, is like this. A year ago what I could write was so simple - short sentences, a few at a time.There were so many thoughts and ideas I just did not have the vocabulary to even begin to try to express. Even after years of study, language is such a tricky thing. The Polish I don't think I could ever really forget, though ability might deteriorate... though my English is far better, it was in fact the first language I learned to speak. French, though - I spent six semesters in college actually LEARNING it, after three years in high school spent going to classes learning not much at all. I can still understand when people speaking it, can watch programs and read news articles and get the gist. When I try speaking...Arabic words come out of my mouth. I struggle to find the French. My mother has the same thing...as a schoolgirl she studied Russian for years, and now when she goes to the hospital she gets her medical care at the nurses speak to her in Russian and she comprehends but responds in English because after living in America for twenty six years the Russian words no longer come. You can spend so much time learning and then watch it all spill out of your head again from disuse...

Tentative then, both my abilities and my confidence or comfort with them, but perhaps more solid than I think. Perhaps solid enough that I can engage in a writing blog where I am accountable to no one but myself, where I can go on about anything at all just because I want to. Perhaps it is time for me to take the leap and commit myself to trying. Let us rush and fall and fly.

Amazing Aces: Wands

Getting back to this particular favorites post series, we have the third of the four aces, the Ace of Wands. The wands suit is typically depicted, in those decks that use elemental associations, as associated with fire - the light, the burning energy, the passion that the cards within it often speak to. This Ace, like the others, is about new beginnings and opportunities, yes - about those involving creativity, self-fulfillment, ambition, drive. This Ace calls for action in the post literal, direct sense: go, do, create, be brave. It is about potential ready to be worked, shaped.

It is, in fact, probably one of the Aces I would see as being easily applicable to a wide variety of situations, even those typically associated with the others suits - yes, go learn that thing that you care so strongly about; yes, initiate that romance you are daydreaming about; yes, apply to that job even if you aren't sure you could qualify. A very dynamic card, on the whole. As for which of my decks I feel depict it best...

Alchemical Renewed

Though many decks utilize elemental associations and imagery in their depictions of the minors, few, I think, do so as neatly as Robert Place's Alchemical. I especially like how the theme of the animals continues through the suit - the baby salamander in the Ace reappears, majestic and grown, as the wand's King. The salamander makes a rather good metaphor for the Ace in general - here it is small and newly born, but already we can see the hints of its future power, the way it lays on a bed of flames at the wand's base.

The tip of the wand burns too, of course, illuminating the space. I find the clover sprouting out of the side a very nice touch. A clover for luck, a sign that now is indeed the right time for whatever this card is speaking to, that the universe is on your side; and at the same time, a reminder of the idea of making your own luck, the need to act, to take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves to you. The line work and coloring here is awesome, the palette perfectly suited.

Tarot of the Absurd

Can it be, one might ask? Can a black and white deck really manage to express all the energy and meaning that an Ace like this is meant to represent? The answer, as the Tarot of the Absurd here shows, is very much yes. Like just about all the cards is this lovely deck, the ace of wands has a certain playfulness to it, a touch of whimsy. Though it features a tree, something we usually associated with age, tradition, firmness, here we see it dynamic, in motion, sprouting new branches and, at the center of the image, curled around a newborn.

Yes, the tree here moves and sways and curls so as to protect this creature, newly entered into the world, just formed, inexperienced. A beginning indeed, a wealth of experiences to be had, discoveries. The baby still sleeps but the tree does not, no. Nothing here is a passive act, not holding, protecting, caring. Everything requires deliberate effort, decision. What will become of them, this tiny babe, this almost dancing tree? Time will tell indeed.

Silicon Dawn

I drew and wrote about this card in my very first post on this blog, just a day short of exactly a year ago. At the time I was desperately scrambling to finish a rather long and important paper - rather the same as I'm doing now, come to think. Changes and beginnings and repetition. The deck was quite new to me then, and I was still trying to wrap my mind the rather unusual switch, of elemental associations and to a large degree meanings, of the wands and coins suits. Of all the switched up cards in the deck, this one perhaps makes the most amount of immediate, intuitive sense to me.

Why shouldn't the Ace of Wands be seen like this, a confident silhouette of what may be sprouting out of a plant, leaves and roots and vines supporting  and pushing up. The green of the ground slowly turns to blue as we reach the top of the card, to sky, freedom, so much possibility there. We plant seeds in the ground, little kernals of perhaps, and wait and watch them grown into things to beautiful hey take our breath away, sometimes. And isn't that what this card can be, at it's best - the reason we see it and know we should go, try, take that risk?

the blah and the yay

Not a very eloquent title, I know, but what can I say?  Not feeling especially eloquent at the moment.

The first card in this draw totally describes how I've been feeling the last couple of days. The Silicon Dawn, among its many other fun and interesting aspects, switches around the pentacles and wands suits, not just in elemental association but, by and large, in meaning. This card, roughly equivalent, then, to the seven of wands, shows us a centaur figure, generally grounded, better balanced than us bipeds, in a very unstable, uncomfortable place. Shadows and worries lurk all around it. The building in front of him looks like it might collapse, topple forward and crush him. On guard against many things indeed.

To expand a bit on my earlier reading, the step I was taking on Monday was a scheduled visit to a psychiatrist. That did in fact go well, insofar that we seemed to click, he seemed to be knowledgeable, and I was prescribed two medications, one I'd taken before and found very helpful, and a new one. Unfortunately, thus far the new has been causing me constant, intense nausea and no appetite. Then there is three-day long headache, tooth pain, and the stress of having one, possible two very important school papers to write by Monday, as well as various other small things that need to be done lurking around in the background. So yes, little centaur, you reflect how I've been feeling.

On the other hand, this card is also rather...well, melodramatic. A post-apocalyptic scene. Is life really that much of a disaster? No, of course not. And he does seem to have tools or weapons of some kind strapped to his body, something to work with.

Of course, the second card is a still-better reminder. Three figures ride together in loops and spirals through space, intimately connected, celebrating with one another, enjoying and steadying one another. While such a party is very much not on the agenda, this reminder of friendship is a very good one. The background here makes me think of the internet, which like space is so vast and yet so difficult to really measure, to wrap our minds around all that it entails behind the scenes. I am very fortunate to have some really amazingly supportive friends in various corners of the internet, some of whom I have had a great time with in person, some not. I know for a fact that I would be a much lonelier person without these connections, and that some of the positive steps I've taken over the years to improve myself were done at least in part because of the gentle pushes/support/advice from these friends. Definitely not something to forget about or take lightly.

Even with this: one online friend suggested ginger tea. I had some because of a Halloween package exchange I'm doing with some other great people elsewhere online. It helped me feel a bit better. In fact, I shall go make another cup, then focus on tackling some of those things, one at a time...

Amazing Aces: Swords

So to follow up from my now completed Favorite Majors series, I decided to focus on another set of favorite cards from my deck collection - Aces. They are minors, but particularly notable minors, seeing as how they open up the suit, and how often they reference major changes, new beginnings and the like. In some decks, they can be drawn rather generically, a utilitarian approach that gets the message across well enough. Other decks though, have particularly nice, thought-provoking depictions. Why not focus on those some?

The Ace of Swords is. I think, an especially interesting Ace to start off with. It's one I personally see as having many layers, both positive and, if not quite negative, sometimes difficult. It can encompass both attitude and action, internal and external, beginnings and ends. So which ones do I like best? After some consideration, here are the three favorites:

Legacy of the Divine

Like much of this deck, the visual aspects of this card are quite stunning. I quite like the color palette especially, as well as the modernized, fantastical qualities of the ace itself. The background of clouds emphasizes the air element nicely, and calls back some of the traditional imagery of the RWS and Thoth Aces - although interestingly, here the Sword is pointed downwards rather than up. A focus perhaps not just on moving forward but also on cutting away, severing, getting rid of that which no longer serves.

I also like the eagles that circle the sword - fierce birds, noble and strong, ruthless when necessary. A good reminder of some of the kinds of traits that Ace of Swords situations can call for. Finally, we have a glowing air element symbol and the astrological wheel in the background, reminding us again of the outside correspondences we can use for additional meaning if we wish, and the grand scheme of things.

Silicon Dawn

The Silicon Dawn Ace of Swords provides us with a rather different image. The color scheme, for one, is at the complete other side of the spectrum. I must admit that I've never been of the school that sees yellow as a particulary airy color - to me it is too close to gold, to the earth-tones. But I can set that aside here, because it works. For one, I like the way the yellow fades into that pure, glowing white at the feet of the figure - an image of manifesting energy, potential.

I love the theme of gears and cogs too - simple details that speak loudly of engineering, of inventions and creativity, the wonders a mind can come up with when it sets to work at a task. A lot of times, the swords suit, which is the suit most associated with intellect, is used to depict the problems our minds can make for us: anxieties, grief, insecurity, self-sabotage. Here, instead, we are allowed to focus on the positive, the wonders we are capable of creating when we think.

Mary-El

The Mary-El is a deck newly acquired, so much so that I haven't even finished trimming it yet. Already though, many of the images are so arresting. This one in particular caught my attention. Again we have the image of an eagle, this time in a much more thought-provoking position, bound upright. The accompanying book, though it rather bizarrely associates Scorpio with air, does provide some interesting insight.

In particular, it speaks of redemption, of evolution, of rising up out of darkness, out of air and water and into the sky: the freedom that flight represents. Again, the emphasis not just on the difficult aspects traditionally highlighted by swords but also on free will, reason and purpose and communication. I especially like the idea of this card as speaking of striving, of doing what we must to free ourselves of those constraints, of seeking clarity, dreams and ideals. It is a card of channeling our visions and working to make them happen; a personal. internal kind of empowerment.

My Favorite Majors: The Moon

So the Moon...tricky major for a tricky concept, I suppose. The Moon has always been a card, kind of like the High Priestess actually, where I kind of instinctively KNOW what it is talking about and yet it is often difficult for me to put that properly into words, both in general and sometimes, in the context of a reading as well. Now that I think about it, perhaps this makes the actual art in a deck especially important: for cards where I am comfortable with the meaning, know how to articulate it well, any art will do; it might add nice extra layers or nuance, but the basics can be applied to anything. On the other hand, with something a bit less...clear...art can really help or challenge you, depending.

In general, the moon is kind of the opposite of the Star for me, art-wise. In this case, few decks have a Moon card that I really find stunning, even many of my most favorite decks... But of course, going through my collection I did indeed manage to find and choose two that are quite lovely.

XVIII. Moon

Favorite:
Simple/small thing though it may seem to be, one of the things I like best about this card is the color scheme. The slightly muted purples go perfectly with the back, grey, and white, and the combination gives the card a moodiness that fits just PERFECTLY with the meanings of the card, for me. I love the water and moon connection, and the way that the dog is incorporated here. Usually we have the dog or dog-like figures in moon cards howling or standing guard, but here it is swimming in the water - at once both struggling to stay afloat (very in keeping with the card's meaning) and also, potentially, providing some much needed comfort/companionship for the woman sitting in the crescent moon above. I love her posture there, so very much embodying...apathy, depression, indecision, uncertainty, despair...the way she sits on and at once becomes the moon, and the scorpion-tail there too, warning of danger and secrets and lies, potentially...the art is pretty straightforward stylistically, but very much to read here from my perspective. This take on the moon, everything together, just really speaks to me.

Runner Up:
Another lovely gem from the Light and Shadow tarot here. If it wasn't for the unfortunate size and cardstock, this really would be one of my top decks, I think. The black and white color scheme is great in general, and works especially well for a Moon card, to me at least. It's the details though, that really make this image shine for me. I love the contrast between the two dogs, the one on the left looking extremely aggressive, the one on the right far too sad, apathetic. I love how the water between them, with the lobster/crab at its foot, slowly turns into a bed, into night and dreams and the land of the not-quite real. Are those two towers even real, then? The art itself leaves you with questions and uncertainty, a certain blur in concept that fits perfectly with what the Moon means. The actual crescent itself here seems to be sleeping contentedly, but given everything else we see on the card...well, lots of room to interpret, shall we say. Lots of food for thought here.

comparative Sun musings

So a recent post on the Tarot Thrones blog has had me thinking about doing something comparative with reading/my decks. I drew another Sun card today from my current/weekly working deck, and that got me thinking about variations on reading this major. And so - some Sun-centered musing follows...

So to start off with, my original draw, the Sun from the Corte dei Tarocchi deck - I actually quite like this take on the sun. I got this deck, recently, because I just found some of the cards so charming... We have the two little girls under the bright sun (love the details on their outfits!). They both seem to be suprised to various degrees my something - the one on the right looks shocked, the one on the left pensive, nervous.

An interesting reminder here, about the fact that sometimes, good things - great things - do fall into our lap quite unexpectedly. Sometimes, the things that eventually turn out to be absolutely amazing initially come at us in the form of an unpleasant shock. And sometimes, success, the prospect of some particular accomplishment - it scares us. All the work that must go into attaining that kind of sunshine...it can feel overwhelming. Sometimes even optimism, a positive attitude, can terrify - after all, if you have a fatalistic outlook and low expectations, you have a shield against dissapointment. To adopt a positive, pro-active approach is to open yourself up to risk, to pain.  Scary indeed, it can be.


On the other hand, in the Sun card of the Silicon Dawn tarot, we get quite a different image, and a different aspect of the things the card represents. Here we have an queen bee figure, almost a combination, really, of antromorphic bee and some kind of Indian goddess, if you look at her posture, the arms, the background of the sun.... Below, the large, rich hive is busy: worker bees creating sweet honey, everything illuminated in warm, golden hues...

Here, we are reminded of the fact that, excepting those situations where it really is just sheer luck, most of the time succes is built on hard work - work that is sometimes boring, sometimes repetative, sometimes deeply unpleasant and yet...necessary. We see that sense of inner accomplishment that comes from sticking to it, getting those things done. The inner pride, when you KNOW that it's your own hard work and skill that has gotten you what you have. Also, a reminder of how much teamwork, a larger group effort can achieve with effective leadership and good organization - in that case, the kind of collective sense of accomplishment - the elated, WE DID IT feeling.

Now with the Celtic tarot, we see yet another take on the Sun. Here, instead of golden, yellow hues, we have a lot of watery colors, a prevalence of blue. The picture looks a bit somber too...the ghostly figure floating up, the naked woman below, kneeling as if in supplication, the sun glowing dimly, as if it were about to go out soon...

To me, there's a reminder here, of the impermanence of all things. Everything comes to an end, and from all ends new beginnings spring, and so it goes. Good things - the bright blaze of the sun - last only so long. We can't expect them to go on forever, cannot expect one success to be all that we will have to do. On the other hand, in order to embark on the new, we have to accept the floating away of older things, even things very dear to us. We must be ready to adapt, to start again as many times as we must, to accept transience. The things that we can hold onto are within us: a positive attitude, the self-confidence that comes from past experiences, lessons learned.

Finally, in one more take, we have the Sun of the Magical Forest tarot, a personal favorite of mine. Here we have a rather clever take on some of the traditional RWS imagery - the youth, in this case a kangaroo joey, still in his mother's pouch with the red flag of success, with sunflowers all around and the bright sun overhead...

This card in particular makes me think of the effect that the right enviroment can have on outlook and on success - the joey here is safe and secure in his pouch, developing at his own pace, protected from the world until he is ready to face it on his own. In the meantime, he builds up his confidence with small accomplishments, gets experience under the belt. The field of flowers and the bright sun are just the right kind of setting for healthy growth. The right kind of support can be a real advantage. On the other hand, having the joey to protect gives the mother kangaroo a sense of purpose, a reason to seek out that bright sunlight...sometimes having that externalized sense of responsibility, needing to care or help out someone else...can do as much for the person or purpose we are trying to assist. Symbosis. Positive cycles and spirals.

My Favorite Majors: Death

Well, If I had to choose one major - the one I found most interesting, most compelling, both visually and conceptually - it would likely be Death. What can I say? There's just so much in this card, tightly woven together: the positive and the negative. Death, withering, ends to things you do not want to end, and yet also the necessary, rebirth, the new that you find in the ash of the old...

It tends to be a really interesting card to look out for in decks, in that...it is one of those cards that varies HUGELY, from those decks that portray it as happy-happy 'transformation' to those that present some pretty grim scenes, and everything in between. You have it as a hooded figure, a skeleton holding a butterfly, a phoenix...sometimes it is cute, and sometimes it is disturbing...many things to look out for, really.

In terms of favorite, there was absolutely no consideration. I KNOW what mine are, for this one. Also, unlike all of my other posts in this series so far...there is no favorite and a runner up. They are both simply co-favorite. I just cannot choose between the, cannot say which I like more.

XIII. Death

Favorite:
The Silicon Dawn is an awesome deck in general, but this card in particular grabbed my attention in a very intense way from the first moment I saw it. First of all, I love monochrome color schemes. Monochrome on a Death card? Most excellent, most appropriate. I love the details - the large, full moon, the rain, the big black puddles underfoot. The downpour, the washing away of the old. You lose, but you also grow lighter, freer as a result. The black rose in the foreground - things are still growing, new things...the people running and riding away and toward in the background...

Most of all though, I just love that death figure. I love how wild she looks, how strange, how primal, how free and careless, how recklessly she leaps, jumps forward, the white ribbons streaming behind her. Death as a force that moves, unstoppable. Death as something you leap into, grinning. A silhouette against the backdrop of that mad, unknowable glow of the moon... Death, both terrible and amazing, the most difficult and most simple change, transformation of all...

Co-Favorite:
As much of a fan as I am of it now...I hesitated to get the Thoth for quite a while. RWS-based was my system, after all, was what I knew and liked and could read with. Looking at scans, this major was one of the cards that helped convince to me to give it a go. Aesthetically, this take on Death just really appeals to me. I love the contrast between the bold blackness of the skeleton and the colors that surround him. I love the unusual perspective and composition, the clever way that his arms wield that scythe, cut those life-strings, while his legs form an arch, a gateway, opening up to new things. The Thoth is a deck packed with symbolism and this card is no different: we have the ancient Egyptian double crown on his head, the scorpion, the fish and in the corner the eagle, hope...death and life again. I love how striking the colors are. I love the geometry in the card. It just...draws me in, again and again. To me, it perfectly represents the major, all of the concepts that Death is supposed to encompass. It's bold and dynamic and I just...really, really enjoy it.

dealing with disappointment

Another interesting little quick reading/draw i felt was worth writing up here. Planning on putting away the Silicon Dawn for a bit and working with some other decks that I haven't really got to reading with yet, so decided to do this as a kind of final for now read with that deck.

So basically, I applied to this State Dept. Critical Language Scholarship thing a few months ago. I'm studying Arabic, see, and though I knew it was highly unlikely that I would actually succeed and get it, it was free to apply, and if I had gotten it, would of meant several months all expenses paid studying of the language in a country in the Middle East or North Africa. Basically, nothing to lose for trying and much to gain if I actually got it, so why not, right?

Well, I got an email yesterday informing me that I had not, in fact, been selected. As I said, this was pretty much the expected outcome. I had, as I always do, deliberately maintained a fatalistic/realistic attitude and low expectations, so the disappointment factor was limited.

Which is not to say I didn't feel any at all. Been working on this quite useful self help book recently, which works for me because it kinda incorporates aspects of Buddhist philosophy and such also, and one of them that makes lots of sense is about letting yourself feel your emotions, not suppressing/avoiding things, etc. etc. So yes, I was disappointed some. After all, it was a chance to study a language I love learning in a country I very much want to visit/live in, to travel which is one of my favorite things, would have really helped me advance much more in my language skills, etc etc.

But you know, it's pointless to dwell on that which cannot be changed, so I thought it would be useful instead to use this as an opportunity to draw cards with advice on a more generally useful aspect of the situation - how to deal with disappointment.

Again Justice pops up. This is turning into a bit of a theme, isn't it? (I tried out this quarterly spread from Zanna Starr's blog at a tarot meetup today and guess what turned out to be my Quintessence card for the year??) Makes sense though, in this pair.

See, if you want to get anywhere, if you want to lead an interesting and fulfilling life, you need to take risks, take leaps of faith, give things a go because the opportunity is there and well, it's worth a shot. If a man on a dragon appears promising to fly you somewhere amazing, do you really want to say no and stay locked up in the same old boring routine blah blah? So you jump on and go for it. And sometimes it works out. And sometimes you fall on your ass in the cold wet snow. So it goes.

There's no use dwelling on it, really, on beating yourself, on focusing on that negative. It was worth a shot and a shot was what you gave it. As for why it didn't work out? Justice, impartial logic, impartial justice. As in, do not take it personally. It was not meant as some judgement of why you, as a person, or terrible or worthless or anything like that. There were simply many applications, limited slots, and to an impartial judge yours just didn't make the cut. So it goes. There is no point in resenting cold logical sword of justice, is there?

So take a balanced approach. Be fair to yourself, fair to whoever or whatever person or force disappointed you. Equanimity. You lose some, you win some, right? No one can succeed all the time, win at everything. No one is perfect, and if they did or were that would hardly be balanced either. Which is not to say don't take anything from experience. Look objectively, logically, at your own performance or actions, and learn for next time - is there anything you could have done better, handled better? Anything to keep in mind for next time?

Look forward, no back. Focus on the unspilt cups. If someone else, a friend or family member rather than you had been disappointed, had failed, would you berate them for days on end? No? Then don't do it to yourself either. Balance. Ok, you win some, you lose some. This was a lose. Fair enough. I'll keep some lessons in mind for next time, and otherwise shrug, alright, pick myself up and try my hand at something else. So it goes.

drawing for the day/extrapolated life lesson

I was pretty sure of what I wanted to do today, but after hearing a certain comment from someone, did start wondering just a bit. So decided to draw a few cards this morning, before going out and about with my day. There was two ways I thought to interpret these, so decided to see how the day played out, and I did, and afterwards I have this to say...

Life is short, relatively speaking. Years when you are healthy enough and mobile and free are even briefer. If there is something you want to do, something you know is within your abilities and means, something that you know will make you happier, more fulfilled, more satisfied with yourself or with life...go for it. Just do it. Do what you need to do - save up, make the plans, do the legwork, gather up the courage. If you can imagine it, if you can get it down to tangible specifics...just do it.

Forget what people might say to you, even people you are close to, people you care about. If you know it doesn't actually HURT other people, and you know that YOU will like it, YOU will be happy with it...just do it. Forget about potential conflict. Forget about what people may think of you, judgement, disapproval. Life is short, and living it to please others is not worth the sacrifice if doing so makes you unhappy. Life is short, and it can be difficult and miserable and trying...don't give up so easily on things that make it better for you.

If you can imagine it, dream it, and if you can conceptualize those dreams into a tangible, realistically obtainable reality...just do it. Don't push it off until later, until one day, until maybe this or maybe that...sometimes it really is better to just apologize afterwards than to ask permission beforehand. Especially if the pleasure it brings you far outweighs, objectively speaking, the displeasure it may cause anyone else. People who might judge your choices aren't living in your skin. You are. If it will fulfill you, just do it.

Just do it, and enjoy it. Enjoy every moment of the experience. Hang onto that feeling. Hang onto it afterwards, and let the words of others, if they really do come, slide off of you. Be polite of course, be nice. If you don't like conflict, perhaps even be discreet so as to avoid it. Hang onto that feeling, let it fill your soul, and it will be worth it.

repeating message

It's funny, really, the way tarot tends to tell you exactly what you need to hear. This is one of the reasons I actually find doing general/non-specific readings and draws to be an interesting/worthwhile exercise. When you ask a specific question, you get a specific answer (assuming the question was appropriately phrased and answerable, that is.) When you just let the cards say what they will...they do, haha.

Sometimes what they tell you isn't what you want to hear. Sometimes, you're fine with hearing it, and you can recognize the rightness of the message. But...follow through? Not so much.

Like good advice from a well meaning friend. Thank you, I appreciate your input you say, nod, mean it. And then you just...continue on as it were.

And then the message shows up again. In another deck, and another, months later, somewhat differently 'phrased' but the same basic meaning, yes.

Like this, last night, was trying to draw cards for a random tarot-based creative writing exercise idea I had and yet these were so very clearly a message for me I couldn't do anything else with them. I love this Judgement card, by the by. The universe is playing her jazz, calling you up - look at all those souls listening, following the rhythm, making the choice to move on, move forward move upwards toward bigger and better things and where are you, exactly? Listening to those notes on the ground but not feeling them in your bones, your soul, not really. Ignoring because its easier. Because to listen to the call you have to make a choice. You already know what's working in your life and what isn't. Judgement is CHOOSING to do something about it. Choosing what to take with you in that climb higher and what to leave behind.

What could you have in this life, if you were willing to make that decision, to take that great leap, to strip away everything that bogs you down, that smothers you under a thick heap and just climb, naked, the essential soul-you, beyond it? What could you do? What could you attain? Who could you be?

Anyone, anything, everything. Whatever you could hold in your grip, whatever you wanted to pursue - well, within reason of course, but the possibilities, comparatively speaking.

It's all a matter of potential, isn't it? How much potential do you have? What could you accomplish if you had the energy and motivation and power and confidence to really grasp at those opportunities, those maybes, those dreams?

And in whose power is it to change all that, to start something new? Who can make that decision? Who?
You, always you, only you. It is in you r hands, your clutched fingertips the coins, to have, to hold, to drop. You ears listening, your hands trembling and what will you do? How long will this go on for? You, you, you. No one else can do anything for you here - it is all YOU and you know what's called for.

Repetitive messages...

But now shrinks the place where you stand:
Where now, stripped by shade, will you go?
Upward. Grope your way up.
Thinner you grow, less knowable, finer.
Finer: a thread by which
it wants to be lowered, the star:
to float farther down, down below
where it sees itself gleam: in the swell
of wandering words.

--
*poem excerpt from Speak, You Also by Paul Celan 

pondering self-perception...

So this card was drawn as part of a larger reading i did while killing some time in a coffee shop the other night, but it was the part that stuck with me most, so figured i'd post about it a bit here.

It came up in a spread, in the position with the question of How do I see myself?

The funny thing is - well, Silicon Dawn is an interesting deck, in that it comes with 99 cards rather than the standard 78, and there is lots of room for a reader to decide what to keep when reading with it and what to take out. For me, being a bit conservative with such things...I kept the three fools and, after some consideration, the 99s, but nothing else. Even these I almost took out also but...there was just something about them, especially this one that asked to be kept in...

And the first time one comes up in a reading, it's this one, and for...well, this.

I knew immediately that it was appropriate though. Almost laughed. This deck, in fact, has a very remarkable ability to make me laugh by being so bluntly on-point.

Yes, yes this is me in so many ways. Perhaps that's what drew me to the card when I first saw it, subconsciously. First consider the figure: a little black creature thing, young-looking, odd. There are times, moods when...if you asked me to visually represent how I felt about myself/experienced my interaction with the world...this would be
a good approximation of that indeed. Means well, harmless, but not quite appropriate, or proper, void of color, stark contrast and...

Then there is the balloon, the longing focus on things lost, floating away, things that are gone let go of accidentally, focus on the past, on losing more, and more. It's actually been a weird thematic thing in my thinking lately...

       The art of losing isn't hard to master;
       so many things seem filled with the intent
       to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

       Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
       of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
       The art of losing isn't hard to master...

And then of course there are the rockets, the sense of impending doom, disaster, the sense that no matter what you do it isn't good enough, doesn't matter in the end, the tendency towards fatalism, towards seeing everything in the worst possible light, and especially everything relating to my own actions...

Story of my life, much? In many cases, at least. And the connection to the swords suit is obvious: its over-thinking everything that gets you in such funny situations, mentally.

Finally, the wide gap between the girl and the balloons and the rockets and the rest of the world. The sense of isolation? The fact that yes, indeed, it is all IN YOUR HEAD dearie.

Touche, deck. Touche.

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*Poem is excerpt from One Art by Elizabeth Bishop. A lovely villanelle.