finishing up

Decided to do a little reading for advice about getting this last final paper completed, using the 'shadow' card from bottom of the deck to start off the reading, a kind of background card.

I think there can always be a lot of ways to 'see' the imagery on an unillustrated pip card...you could see this background as rich, golden and flowered - or you can see in it the color of wheat, harvest, fall, the end of a cycle; the flowers cut from their stems, not long for this world; the cups laying on their sides, used.

In the RWS we usually see this card as a man walking away from things, his back turned as he goes forward into the night. In the Thoth this card has a darker scheme - Indolence, it is titled. Both are true enough in their own way, in this context. I'm having trouble getting this done because a part of me doesn't much want to - it's tempting to lay about in bed, waste time on silly websites, read, catch up on episodes of shows online I haven't had proper time for in weeks. I want a break already, to leave all this work and responsibility for a while. This marathon of reading and writing and more reading and more writing has left me rather tired of it all. 

Cannot, of course. Must get this written and done and very soon. Must write and submit some cover letters, internship applications. Must pack for some visiting. Now is not the time for indolence, for running away, no matter how much, as this shadow card indicates, I might like to.

The next two cards here indicate, I think, that finishing up this last paper of the semester will not in fact be as challenging as it might seem. The high priestess with her folds of robes, her moon, her book in hand shows how much of what I want to write I already have in my head, perhaps not well formed but intuitively there - and backed up by the research I've already done, the reading. Deep down, beyond the tiredness, I do find my topic quite interesting. This isn't a paper I am only writing because I must.

Women's issues here, too, this Priestess reminds me - I am writing about use of technology to map and record incidents of sexual violence in ongoing conflicts, about the potential use of that to help prove, prosecute, prevent the widespread use of rape as a weapon of war. About how the internet allows us access to information that would otherwise be impossible to gather in a war zone too dangerous for outsiders to enter, from which people flee by hundreds and thousands every day. Instead of suffering for however long in silence a woman can go on youtube, her face covered, and tell the world: this is what they did to me. It allows for empirical patterns analysis to prove what would otherwise be merely a gut feeling - that these crimes are deliberate tactics, that they are used in a systematic fashion in pursuit of specific aims, that the same tactics can be seen again and again in various parts of a country and that this has meaning, is not simply 'war' or 'boys being boys' or any such nonsense.

Even as I write that summary here I feel myself channeling more of this Page of Wands, standing with her powerful, flexible bow in the field of green. She stands under a tree that is full of ripe fruit ready for picking, eating. She is young and full of energy and ready to handle anything. I need to channel that energy, the confidence. The words, that fruit, are already in my head. I just need to write them, edit and revise until they sound right, add all the proper detail and citation. This is something I care about. This is something I want to do, when I let myself forget to think about how tired of DOING I am.

on movement, the death of things

We all know, us tarot readers, enthusiasts, what the Death card means. We know that it isn't necessarily, or even usually, about grandma or spouse pitching over dead when it shows up in a reading. No, it is death in a far more abstract kind of sense - the death of things, the withering away of the old, the tired. It is the end of things that are ready to be done. It is the stripping away, reaping the crop so that the earth may be sowed again with fresh seeds - reaping so as to stave away the rot.

We know this, we know. We know that things must end so that others may begin, that they must end because everything that begins also ends, eventually, and how boring would life be if things only ever stayed the same as always?

So many things we know will end before we even begin them - the trip with return flight scheduled, the relationship that is fun, but that you know deep down from the start is never going to be quite right.

We know too the metaphor of the Wheel, of cycles spinning around and around, of fortune swinging up and down. We know of wheels and spinning and death. Sometimes, when we are in the midst of something we love it can be bittersweet, this knowledge - that days are numbered, that all to soon this will become a mere memory, a shadow among many floating about in our minds. When our circumstances are terrible, in contrast, this knowledge serves as a hope, something to desperately clasp: yes, this is bad, yes this feels utterly unbearable but it too, will end, if we can only wait it out - it will end, like all things must.

Loss and death and ending can be frightening, painful...but is there anything more soul-shattering than the thing you fear will never be over, no matter how many times that wheel might spin, no matter how many other things might change, no matter how hard you might try?

They spin, those wheels and cogs, but are we moving with them or do we resist, clutch at things over and done? We long for things we can no longer have, comparing the now to the once was and feeling sad rather than trying to make the most of it; we stew on old resentments, slights and disasters, avoiding reasonable things because we insist on making sure that they never happen again, those wounds.

There is just so much energy, momentum around that spinning wheel...easier to move with it, wouldn't it be? Even when something deep inside us would like so very much to dwell in nostalgia...

Being the Logical Fool

I must say - both of these cards rather appeal to me on aesthetic-conceptual level. I love how the fool is shown from a forward perspective, angled so that you can see the expression, the smile, the look of careless freedom at the edge of the cliff. As for the Queen here...well, we have the queen associated with logic and thinking with what looks like a cancer symbol in the background, and a moon at her feet. I am a Cancer who was born on a Monday, who has long associated with the logic of this court in particular. Resonate it does indeed.

The message I see in this particular pairing is something I've been thinking on as of late - the idea of living life as the fool might, but tempered with logic, with reason. To me that means being willing to cut away the things and people and situations that aren't working for you, as soon as you identify the problem and figure out some viable courses of action, rather than letting it fester and fester because change can be so very painful and hard, or you feel guilty, or unsure of yourself, or whatever. It's about taking some risks and doing things you want to do, even if other people might consider them crazy, unwise, bizarre - as long as you think through why you want them, how you will approach them, how to ensure a level of safety that is acceptable to you, can reasonably be achieved.

Not about hasty decisions per se, but more about...think things out, yes. Weigh the pros and cons. Consult with people who have expertise, or whose opinions you trust. But once you figure out what to do, what would be best....just do it. If life seems intolerable the way it is now, figure out the least bad option for trying to change things and go for it. Perhaps things might fall apart, get worse before they get better. But it will be a change at least, yes? Something different.

In retrospect, I have no regrets about my tendency, in recent years, of moving around three different cities, different apartments, applying to schools and using loan money to go on trips to other countries in large part because I couldn't stand the way things were and wanted a change - yes, those weren't really addressing the underlying issues, but well - a change indeed. I've seen more places than I would have if I had just stayed put, tried to deal with the same old kind of unhappy. I have seen and I have learned.

Life is too short, and too full of tragedy - disasters natural and man-made, illness and loss - that you have no control over to spend it stuck at a job that you hate, in a relationship that makes you miserable, seeing a doctor who doesn't listen, whatever. Yes, sometimes circumstances really do make those very very difficult to change - but sometimes not, sometimes not nearly as much so as we let ourselves think.

When that voice tells you that the idea in your head is silly, unnecessary, extravagant, selfish, impossible - use logic, and ask, "but is it, is it really?"

card-based musing on memory, the world

I wanted to do another memory exercise but when I look at this card it elicits not so much a single kind of memory to write about so much as...snippets and thoughts about various things...
----

The fields in the background here catch my eye. As a person who has always lived in cities, the shape and color of fields has always intrigued me - probably because I'm not familiar with the practical, mundane reasons behind why they are the way they are. I remember being on planes landing and taking off. In Germany and Poland especially, at that time of year at least, many fields like that, growing smaller and smaller as your rise up into the sky. The last time I was actually close to some fields was in Tunisia, that day our Arabic teacher took us on a trip to his hometown. We stopped for a bit at his older sister's house. She and her husband had land, fields in that beautiful, rich northwestern countryside. We say in her courtyard eating grapes from a nearby tree and sweet makrouch, cookies similar to fig newtons but so much tastier, not artificial. It was Ramadan and not sunset yet so they didn't eat but insisted we did, the whole that's quite enough no no have more dance. There, instead of the kind of trees we see in this image there was a row of cactus plants.

In the foreground we see the king, with his staff in hand, a gate and little balls of fire separating him from the land. A lion lays at his feet. I wish I could say this brings something more positive to mind, but well...

The lion: al-Assad, in Arabic. Bashar al-Assad - a lion, his name means, the image it creates. The lion-named ruler surrounded by balls of fire, like little bombs, sitting alone.

He has a dagger at his waist. Elsewhere in the Arab world, in parts of the Gulf, a man's dagger is a necessary symbols of his honor, strength. During the summer we had an assignment that involved listening to a news broadcast over and over until we could decipher the words, the meaning, the event being described. Elections in Yemen, the second since the unification of the country in the early 1990's. A victory for the incumbent, of course. There was still tension in the country, need for increased security. Voting guidelines were clearly described. Voters are not permitted to bring their daggers into the polling stations.

There are not daggers in most wars today. We have moved beyond such thing, such limited destructive capacity. There are no polling stations in as-Shams, the land of the sun as Syria is also known, in Arabic. There is a lot of fire, though. It's interesting how, for me at least, this particular card, unless I am reading with reversals, generally one I consider a positive sign, situation, description of a person. But what does happen when a king with this kind of passion, drive, need for attention and power, action-based orientation...what happens when he isn't a good person despite all, when he is driven by selfish intentions, when he is isolated and pushed against a wall? A air king might submit to logic, strategic considerations; earth can be pragmatic, cut losses; water is emotional but also flexible, adaptable. What does fire do, if not burn?
--
Bashar al-Assad stalks around his palace, despondent.

He fears he will end up dead no matter what he does, the Russian official says.

If he tries to depart his own Alawite allies will kill him. They fear what will happen to them at the hands of the Sunnis if his government falls. Oh no no, there will be none of that going off and leaving us to our fate, they say. They remember how they were seen, before his father took control; they know how they are regarded now.

If he stays he will be killed when, if, the rebels take control of the capital. Perhaps he has even seen the youtube videos of Qaddhafi's death, that same fate: the once great, once mad dictator begging and beaten; and later the same crowd yelling, smiling, fooling with his corpse.

An eye doctor once, he was, peering into others' eyes.

Now he paces in the palace and outside the bombs continue to explode; the shelling continues; the rapes continue. A Turkish university carried out a study in one of its refugee camps, an article on the Arabic BBC says. 71% of the children there have lost at least one relative in the fighting. By and large, their mothers care for them alone. Where are the fathers, the husbands? Killed, or fighting with rebels or army or perhaps both.

(Why did you defect, the officers were asked. al-ATfal, al-ATfal, they said. The children - I could not stand it, the killing of children.)

And so it goes, smolders and burns.

One year down and on we go

And so here we are: exactly a year ago today, 12/12/2011, I wrote my first post in this here tarot blog. Today is 12/12/2012 and thus far at least, the world has not come to an end :]

I wanted to draw a card to reflect on this milestone, and what came up but the Knight of Coins, a card I've written about several times in this blog. I must admit I rather adore how it is portrayed in this deck - I have to say, and this coming from a very avid trimmer, that this really one of the decks most improved by chopping all the borders off. The knight here, richly dressed and cloaked, moves forward on his horse through the world. He appears to be in the middle of a jungle of some sort - beautiful but a the same time, no doubt uncomfortable - sticky and hot, dark, so easy to get lost in. But this knight is not concerned, no. There is a certain serenity in his expression, a confident kind of calm. He knows he can keep going and so he does, deals with anything that comes his way, and during those interludes between obstacles he simply enjoys the peace rather than stressing and worrying about what the next difficulty might be.

Below the ground we see a helmet-stamped coin, representative perhaps of that traditional suit of armor that this particular knight isn't seen to be wearing. Sometimes the armor you need to face the world isn't outside of you, something you put on. No, its deep within, the root that steadies you, nourishes you. It's your approach, your mindset, your unconscious.

The knight moves forward and so do I. I worried when I started this blog that I would abandon it, get distracted, as I've done with among other things two other blogger blogs, which I glance at guiltily every time I log in. But no, more or less frequently, I have gone on posting here, reflecting, working with the cards. I've gotten a lot more familiar with my decks and tastes in the last year, working on figuring out which ones are true favorites, which I don't actually like quite as much as I thought I did.

And likewise, life in general. As I said in the previous post...exactly a year ago I was madly scrambling to finish a paper. Now I am doing the same exact thing. Different class though, different paper. Last year, finishing my first semester in a grad program, I was still feeling a bit insecure about whether I was actually good enough, capable enough, to do well in graduate school. Now I write and I know, if I can just get this done, that I can do well. I've gotten very gratifyingly positive feedback from all my professors this semester. Not done with things yet, not at all but...progress, yes. On and on we go, forcing ourselves to read and to type and to type. After this two more papers to write before my semester is done. Lots of reading about lots of very non-uplifting things. But so it goes, and so we go - onwards.

significance of vivid dreams

I've always had occasional instances of dreams that are...particularly vivid, extended, detailed. I remember these dreams long after I wake up, unlike the usual dreams that fade away, except for perhaps bits and pieces, a few hours after waking. In fact, they stay with me almost like...memories, in their realness, memories of a dream flashing across my consciousness even a day or two afterwards. In the past, these almost only ever happened when I  stayed in bed hours longer than my body really needs...

Lately though, they've been happening more frequently, and without any over-sleep on my part. I decided to pull some cards about...the significance of this, what to make of it, what to do with it, whatever. The first card to come up was the Queen of Cups, which I admit seeps rather apt, given the issue. She holds a cup in her hands, out of which a butterfly is flying out. A bit of whimsy there - this card can stand for dreams, but also sometimes psychic influences...to me the butterfly would seem to say that this isn't really to do with the latter, which given the subject matter of the dreams, rather makes sense. Not a message for me about the future or any such, but rather...the butterfly, transformation, whimsy, flight. Behind her we see a beautiful dawn or dusk sky, a tree and some hills that look as if they came from a painted picture. Creativity there, no, artistry? The dawn sky, the same red-orange palette as we see on the queen herself, and her surroundings...it reminds me of a part of the most recent of my dreams. Towards the end, I found myself in a place that a dream enemy had called the 'pink world' a sort of narrow strip between two far larger dimensions, a place with narrow streets and low-strung buildings. The streets were dusty when we walked and the sky, the sky in this place was always and only ever that color, the red-orange-pink shades of dusk and dawn...

The Empress next to the queen clarifies this further, for me. Again we have the emphasis on creativity, on creation, on nurturing. I am reminded of how much of a vivid imagination I have, have always had, how intensely and rapidly and visually it likes to work. Give me a word and I can write you a story off the top of my head. Sometimes I'll tell or hear a funny joke or read something amusing and laugh far longer than anyone else, simply because I cannot get the very vivid IMAGE of that idea out of my head....

These dreams don't feel like normal dreams because they aren't really about fantasies or fears of mine but rather - they feel like stories. Like being in a book or a movie or a video game. The latest one even had point of view shifts and interludes - there were parts where I had an omniscient narrator view and other times when I was a character with limited knowledge, only the vague shadow of an idea that there was so much more going on that I wasn't aware of... These dreams have characters and worlds and a plot, all the structures of a complex story. Childhood adventures in a castle filled with magical relics but also high tech elevators; magical powers tied to trinkets like pig shaped piggy banks that must be carefully guarded; an attack, a dream-father calling forth waves only to have someone else, far more powerful, summon lightening - the image of an entire beach full of water electrified, death by electric shock borne by tides coming towards us; learning of another dimension, ying and yang; losing the father and the guide in an inter-dimensional space made up of black void and dimly glowing white walls of a maze and terribly powerful rushing water, inky black; taking refuge after, desperately confused, in the dawn-sky place....

I have a lot of imagination and creative, even artistic inclination in me. But the fact is, I rather deliberately chose to go into a field, in academia and hopefully professionally after that, that requires very little of those - that is to say, only in a very disciplined, controlled context. A bit of creativity and imagination can lead to a stronger, more original analysis; writing skill can be adjusted and tweaked to provide good academic work as well as good creative work. The stories, though, the characters, the worlds, the colors and images...so much of that has no use here.

I read about genocides and war crimes, write papers about counter-terrorism measures and preventing the use of sexual violence as a weapon of war and economic analysis of sub-state violence and this and that, and I enjoy my work, I do. When I am feeling particularly overwhelmed by personal/mental difficulties, focusing on that is just about all I can manage anyway. Apparently though, when I start to feel even a bit better...it isn't enough, to work only on that, no matter how much I enjoy it. My mind wants to do creative things too. Stories, art, poems, something. So it comes out in dreams - unusual, interesting, sometimes distracting dreams. I suppose it would make sense to make some time for purely creative pursuits in my life, even if it does feel very full right now with other tasks, responsibilities.

some more story time

So I figured it was high time I did another of the story writing exercises. I can't quite remember, but I don't *think* that I've done one with a pips deck before...

There were once two kings whose nations bordered each other. Though close to one another, the nature of their lands varied greatly - the first king ruled a mountainous region. His was a harsh domain, bitterly cold in the winter. His people were tough - they raised goats and they mined and traded. His resources were scarce, demanding careful, prudent management. He worried and thought and worked. His neighbor, in contrast, ruled over a land of rich and fertile valleys, rich with rivers and springs and rain. His people grew more food then they could eat, hunted plentifully, were surrounded by beautiful flowers in spring. This king had time not just to rule but to dream, to paint and write poetry.

One would think that these differences might lead to war, sooner or later, between the two countries, but here that was not the case. The two kings had long been friends, and as time went on they found themselves growing closer yet, looking forward to each of their state visits, diplomatic missions, negotiations. There embraces are meeting and parting went on longer than one might expect. Over time the two men realized that their feelings for one another were deeper than that of allies or even friends. There was love between them, passion repressed - for they both knew that anything else was impossible. The mountain king was twenty years older than the king of the valleys, and looked even more the elder, drained my so many years of work and worry. It would be unheard of, inappropriate, impossible yes, always.

And so the years passed. The mountain king would find himself thinking of the other as he climbed through mountain passes with his men, inspecting and giving orders. The valley king would paint his colleague, again and again and again, write poetry that was never heard. Neither married.

Finally, after many years had passed in this way, a terrible storm swept through the land, strong enough to bring creatures from the sea into the valley and wash away many structures. The mountain king ordered his people to go down and help their neighbors. The two leaders felt, then, a wild shift in their thinking, perspective. So many years wasted, gone by in longing. And so they talked and planned, and in the end they announced something great: a union of their two lands into a new, greater nation. They would rule together, partners in all things, and upon their deaths the mountain king's niece and the valley king's nephew, who had taken already to one another, would be married and take their place. The two kings held hand, embraced, and so a new nation was formed. Problems continued, of course, obstacles, minor and less minor disasters - but for the rest of their lives, the two kings would face all of those together.

learning journeys

Trying to get back into the swing of things with properly posting here, working with more of my decks, etc. The Crystal (Vetro) Tarot is one that I've had for a while, and love artistically, but have not really worked all that much with. I think it's high time it got some attention...

We have here, in this subject-less draw (I do want to get back to doing more spreads/exercises...) the six of swords and the Hermit. I must say, spending some time working with both RWS and Thoth traditions really does enrich the reading experience as a whole. The six of swords, which can be about journeys, movement on to better things, new experience; and also about science, logic, discovery, mental and intellectual expeditions. We have waves in this picture, behind the swords, and something that at first looked a bit like a boat but upon closer inspection seems to be a crab or lobster of some sort. The moon is there too, in the sky - actually, beyond the sword arrangement the card as a whole seems to have a bit of an unusual resemblance to the Moon major. What to make of that? Stepping into the unknown, the unclear, the obscure...being willing to venture for not just into new things, but things that are so unfamiliar as to be a bit frightening...

And next to it we see the hermit, who himself tends to go off, on journeys not unlike those in the six of swords card. He goes off alone to ponder, to think and to see, to gain wisdom without distraction. He withdraws into himself, but this is not stagnant introspection - he is not the Hanged Man, sacrificing his body for knowledge. No, on the contrary - he frees himself from the binding of society so as to walk his own path. He relies on himself - his stick to steady him, his light to guide the way. The sky is so rich behind him, dusky orange, beautiful.

We learn most by challenging ourselves with the unfamiliar, by moving forward even when staying put would do, be tolerable. And it is so much easier to make external progress when we can truly say that we know ourselves, are comfortable with our own abilities and strengths.

I've always been one for movement and doing, but often, to be honest, it has been driven largely by the need to get away, start over, lose myself in unfamiliarity so as not to think of things far too tiresomely constant. In some ways, now, I feel like things are beginning to be more about moving forward for the sake of it - because I love learning, love the new, want to experience beauty, things that thus far I've only managed to see in pictures, reflections, always distant...

And as, over the last few years, I've been training myself to communicate, to engage with the world and with people...I realize that in many ways, the years I spent mostly withdrawn, largely alone, internalizing everything, reading and reading, doing my own somewhat unusual thing...there is value in that. I find in conversations with friends that I tend to be...a good bit more self-aware. An understanding of how my mind works and how to work around that efficiently, a well-developed worldview, empathy and perspective and a certain logic to apply broadly.

Forward forward, then - metaphorically, physically, creatively. 

My Favorite Majors: The Lovers

Well, this is a major I like well enough, kind of because of what it means: oh sure, there are lovers on the card, and sure it can mean that, but it can also mean (and in my reading more often does mean) something relating to choice, to decision. Choices and decisions, as anyone who knows me well can attest, are soooo not my forte, ha.

That said, in terms of this major, I couldn't help but choose my favorites based pretty much solely on the 'oh, pretty!' factor...

VI. Lovers

Favorite:
What can I say? The Aquarian has a very pretty lovers card. I LOVE the art nouveau influences here. I love the little nuances of color: the shading of their hair at the ends, for example. The color palette is very nice, and in line with the rest of the deck. I love the effect of the stark white background as contrast. It really makes the rest of the image pop. The figures definitely have a kind of 70's look to them. Not super symbolism heavy, obviously, but very easy on the eyes. :]


Runner Up:
Like the Aquarian, this one, from the Crystal/Vetro tarot, is also just....aesthetically very very nice. As is that deck as a whole - an "art deck" to be sure, but oh what art it is! The palette of this card is quite different, which makes for interesting contrast places side by side with the Aquarian lovers like this. Lots of green here, which in my mind makes lots of sense with the theme of this card - it's spring, things are growing, sprouting up, and these lovers are choosing to be together. I really like the composition of this card - the lovers off to the side a bit, so you can see the background, the tree behind them, that lovely sun back there in the sky...love the color contrast of their clothes too. Again, image-wise....its just so PRETTY, ha.

favorite card backs

An often overlooked aspect of tarot decks, the backs are...well. for me, i can't say they are necessarily a deal breaker - i have several decks whose backs I quite dislike but which I got anyway because well, the actual deck more than made up for that particular drawback. but I must say, a nice back really does add to the awesomeness of a deck as a whole.

For me personally, i like my backs to be reversible if possible (since I read with reversals), for them to somehow thematically or visually 'go' with the card fronts, WITHOUT being merely a print of one of the cards (this tendency on the part of LoS particularly is rather annoying...) and just general aesthetic prettiness. I thought it'd be fun to just list some of my favorite card backs from within my tarot collection. Interestingly enough, they don't correspond all that much with which decks are my favorites overall...

Lookit, shiny!

The Fenestra tarot has what is probably my most favorite of backs...very nice, subtle color, a bit of an art-nouveau feel to it, nicely reversible, and goes perfectly with the art style of the cards themselves. As I said, not really corresponding with my deck preference generally...see, I love the minors in this deck, and it'd probably be much higher on my preferences list if it wasn't for the HUGE, UGLY, UNTRIMMABLE borders the publisher felt the need to take onto all the majors.

I traded this deck away because of that, and the universe recently saw that another copy of it came back to me, so holding onto it this time because I do like the art style and colors generally. And yes, the backs are a major plus.

Other cool backs:

     
I like these two a lot, the Crystal/Vetro back and the Balbi. The Crystal back doesn't really go with the art style of the deck per se, but I just really like how it looks. Reminds me of some old playing card backs I vaguely remember from when I was a kid. Nice and reversible too.

As for the Balbi, again, simple and reversible. Colors do a lot for me too - I've always liked the purple and green color combination, and the particular shades of purple and green used here really appeal. I like the vague vine type design, and the general style and bright colors perfectly encompass the nature of the deck overall and yeah, likey.

Now here are two backs that AREN'T quite reversible, but which I really like anyway. One is the Thoth back. Like the rest of that deck, it is chock full of esoteric symbolism I currently only vaguely/half-understand at best, but I can appreciate it's significance. It definitely gives you a nice feel for the rest of the deck, and visually, it just works. Plus, its not THAT badly un-reversible, so I can still read my reversals without too much distraction.

The Tarot de la Rea back, on the other hand, is very non-reversible, but given that this is one of very few decks which I DON'T read using reversals (in fact this deck likes me to use one very specific spread to read with it) that's not too much a bother. It very well represents the cool mask-filled nature of the deck as a whole and like the fronts just has a...unique, special feel to it. This deck really is one of the little treasures of my collections, and that includes the backs.