memory of sun, outdoors

I suppose the Sun is one of those cards in this deck where its Swedish providence is especially noticeable - in the style of the clothes that the two children wear, and even more so in the prominence of the moose. It has to be a pretty northern country if such an animal is associated with sunlight and warm rather than winter, snow.

We have pictures of moose - from vacations is Alaska and, I think, perhaps Maine as well. I was too young then to remember much from those trips, and what does stick out in memory does not include any experiences with such creatures. Deer though, I do remember seeing, outdoors.

Its really kind of amusing how much of an outdoorsy scene this sun card is: children playing in the grass, roosters feeding, butterflies fluttering above it all. It's things like this that remind me of how much of a city kid I really am, both in experience and in outlook, preference and predilection. We had a house in the Pocanos in Pennsylvania for a while when I was a kid. It was a big change going out there - so very rural, foresty, quiet. There was lots of grass and forest, dirt roads, wildlife of all sorts. Yes, there were the deer that I saw, coming in twos or threes across the road to nibble at this or that plant. It was nice, sure, to be able to see them, something certainly not possible in New York City.

In America at least, I've only ever seen chickens and roosters at petting zoos, also in Pennsylvania. It was not they, but the goats, that tickled my fancy. For a while we used to drive down there almost every weekend, two hours in both directions, card trips I hated for the motion sickness they caused. There was so much grass to play on and forest to explore - I did neither, much. I was bored outside. It was boring and uncomfortable with all the bugs, the lack of man-made noise. I much preferred to stay indoors and play on the Sega Genesis: the Sonic games, street fighter games, that random game where you played a team of criminals, one short and fat and one tall and skinny, who had to successfully break in and rob various places. I read history for kids books about Pompeii and the sinking of the Titanic, about the life of Anny Oakley and about the Trojan War. I colored in coloring books or watched movies with my father, many of them (in retrospect) not especially age-appropriate but no one objected. I would sit at the table when my mother's friend, who lived nearby, visited and complained about her miserable job as a hotel maid and her husband, who was over twenty years older than her and who she had only married to secure a green card and whose grumpy ass she was now stuck with. He was nicer to his dogs than he was to her, she would say. I sat quietly and listened to them talk.

I did not see the appeal of that kind of outdoors. At home, playing in the backyard and in the street, on stoops and stairs of houses, always some other people around making noise, arguing, that was tolerable sometimes for our imagination games but so much quiet and trees and grass and bugs and why bother?

To this day I cannot help but feel this way. Place me in a city, any city in the world, and I will happily wonder round in it all day, on foot, and never grow bored. I love exploring cities, the nooks and crannies and changing style of the architecture of buildings, whether they be cities full of metal and glass skyscrapers or Eastern European medieval architecture or low slung white structures and fields of trash and wondering goats.  In a city I can enjoy the sun, and I love the contrast of trees and flowers to the man-made things all around them. Looking forward to taking pictures of the blooming cherry blossoms around DC again next week for just that reason. But in an actually rural place, the kind of naturey environs so many people find relaxing, a nice place to get away...I can appreciate PICTURES of such places, but actually put me into one and I will very quickly grow uncomfortable and bored and possibly very paranoid about bugs and feeling itchy for no reason and if forced to remain there I will very soon pull out a book or a game and ignore it all.

Different strokes, different folks and all that.

inspiration vs. organization

It's the contrast between these two cards that sticks out most to me: female and male, casual and formally dressed, standing and seated, flowing and rigid, flower wreath and crown. The page parties with her creatures; the Emperor commands his.

A juxtaposition in concepts as well, here. The page is about creativity, about imagination, inspiration, youthful and naive energy. The page begins, playfully touching on this and that - she can visualize ideas that others would dismiss as impossible. She stands in a sea shell, bringing to mind the famous Botticelli painting of the birth of Venus, or Aphrodite. She rises from the waves, with so much romantic notions - the playful faeries of so many tales. A tortoise carries her, and why not? What rush is there, why not take your time and see and imagine and explore?

A far cry from the Emperor, with his ram-headed stave and throne, his eagle shield, his crown of power. Since getting this deck I've wondered about that panda, something that distinguishes this Emperor card from most others. Apparently, in Ancient China emperors were known to keep them as pets. These days, endagered as they are, it takes a fair bit of organizes effort to keep the species from going extinct, I suppose. The emperor sits up straight, and rules over lands, mountains, sky and stars. Discipline, authority, responsible management of your resources and time.

The conflict between these two has, I suppose, always been a sort of theme in my life. Part of the reason I don't have the negative reaction to the Emperor archetype that many in tarot seem to is because I have always WANTED to have a firm grasp on the best of what he represents: discipline and self control, getting things done, organizing properly what needs to be organized, authority of a reasonable sort. I try and I try, and yet nonetheless so often I find myself rather stuck in the position of the page, a scattered kind of brilliance, imagination without much direction, so many ideas on so little of the concrete to show for it.

A source of frustration in particular as of late. So many examples abound. I am quite clearly more advanced than my classmates in Arabic. I spend hours listening to news clips, political talk shows, historic documentaries to improve my comprehension skills. For a long writing assignment I wrote literary analysis (former English major skills, ha) of Soviet dissident literature that I like...in Arabic, and it was GOOD if I do say so. My professor is impressed with my enthusiasm for learning the language, and yet she has told me that my grade will suffer despite that because I cannot keep from being constantly late. A valid criticism indeed. Another professor is consistently impressed with my written work, but is currently displeased with me and gave me a lowered grade on an assignment because I submitted it twenty minutes after the stated deadline...and again, quite right of him. I don't mean to do this. This isn't me not caring - I write my to do lists and I try and yet things slip away and slip away and slip away. How often to I forget to do something, forget to bring something, lose something? Constantly. I feel like I put far more deliberate effort into trying to be organized and disciplined than many people, and even so I am far more of a flaky, scattered mess.

Without some firm-handedness to things, riding that turtle will get you exactly as far as one might think - very close to the same place you started. How does one find the proper balance then? How?

Story Time - Futility and Faith

Figured another go at this exercise was in order - it's a break from purely academic writing, at the very least ;]

Perhaps once they had struggled, screamed, fought back terror with sharpened swords. Perhaps they started out full of determination, a zeal that slowly transformed into frustration and, later still, simple exhaustion. Where did their armor go, their clothes? Abandoned, too heavy to carry; sold for a bite to eat, fuel to fight a bit more.

Now they no longer notice the hunger that gnaws at their bellies, the prickle of cold against their bare skin. The serpents they once struggled against fill the room, knot into each other as they slither round and round on the floor. Even the swords have defected, increasingly snake-like in form. The two of them do not care, do not look at each other, the snakes, anything else. Even disgust is gone from their senses - careless to the feel of snake against the soles of their feet. They sit motionless on top of me, watch time pass, breath, dream, disappear bit by bit into uselessness.

Even the stupid dog is better off, still scurrying on in search of half-remembered treats. He goes on, stopping at every tree for a sniff, a leap, a lick. Each time he finds only coins, dull and cold, where once perhaps a fruit had once grown. You think he would learn, stop trying, but of course dogs never do. On and on until he sees a single bloom, something sweet perhaps in a while, but how long will it take to ripen and mature, and longer still to fall - silly dogs cannot climb trees, after all. Why does he wait so long, so patiently, eyes never leaving the prize that may or may not come to be?

There are some in this world like that dog, with their faith, looking about and going on until hear the call, the trumpets blowing, the stork clutching a new opportunity, a chance to try again. They look up at the moon and the stars night after night, straining their eyes and their ears, ready and willing when it finally comes. They are willing, even after so much failure and loss, to deal with pain, the birth of a new aeon, so much necessary change. They find the fruit, finally: pain in the midst of so much sound and so many beautiful colors above them.

Others keep eyelids shut, see nothing, hear only the same endless hissing and slithering.

from too much to just enough

Two eight cards, we have here, with rather different images. In the eight of cups we have an image of  overindulgence, or perhaps apathy - unwillingness or inability to appreciate the plenty all around. The woman sits at the table, barely awake, with wine spilt, food and drink knocked over and wasted on the floor beside her. Flowers are still blooming in the table-cup, but already we see them beginning to droop and wilt. Meanwhile, more wine still is being poured - more more, always more. Is she sitting on a dock of some sort, or is that a stage, the beautiful scene behind her simply a painting, an illusion? Does it matter?

Interesting phenomenon this card reminds me of - the fact that sometimes, plenty can be as much of a curse as lack. Not just in the simple sense, over-indulgence in food or drink but in the way it takes away the drive to work, experiment, improve. In political science and economics there are frequent references to the so-called 'resource curse' wherein countries that have plentiful natural resources, particularly oil and gas, tend not to develop diverse or advanced economies and often have stagnant/repressive/unstable political systems as well, whereas some of the most dynamic economies in the world can be found in places with almost no natural resources to speak of at all - Singapore being one oft-cited example. Why is that? Because why invest in building infrastructure, why take on the risk entering the unknown, why go through the hassle of dealing with international investors or partners when you can just sell sell sell what you have and they don't? Why satisfy your people with meaningful political reforms if you can buy them off with your oil money?

Likewise, over-abundance can undermine the ability to appreciate what you have. Who hasn't met or heard of a young child, toys enough to fill so many rooms given by well-meaning parents or relatives, and each played with for a bit and then ignored. Fancy, expensive toys they can be, but when you have so many of them, and the certainty of getting yet more, how could you possibly care much for any one of them? You think of them as disposable because they become so. Contrast that with the child who only has one doll, or even siblings made to share it. It could be a cheap doll, comely, home-made, falling apart - but it is your one toy, your one treasure, to love and to guard carefully.

Appreciation, and satisfaction. While I'm certainly not the type to constantly buy the newest, shiniest things, not the type that sees giving expensive gifts as the most meaningful expression of feeling, neither do I subscribe to the belief that things/possessions are unimportant. In the second card, the eight of disks, woman and rabbit and birds all enjoy the tree, the shade it gives, the shelter and the fruits which can be harvested.

When you work hard to get something, or when you create it because the process of creating - whether gardening, painting, or even putting a computer together - is something you enjoy, then yes the resulting possession can bring you real joy and happiness. When you choose what you let yourself have carefully, realistically, getting only those things that you know are best for you and letting the rest go instead of trying to grab one of everything, it becomes much easier to connect with what you have. Different people and creatures can enjoy the same thing, the same tree, in various ways. Enjoy what you truly need and love, and be willing to let go of the rest.

(In tarot-related terms, a reminder of my intention to let go of/cull some of my less used and less loved decks in the near-future...)

self improvement focus/task

Often, when there are so many things that need attention and doing, its hard to really focus on any one thing. I believe I did this once before here, and thought it'd be a good idea to do again: Pull one card, with the theme/query of one aspect of things or task that would be worth focusing on for self-improvement, right now.

I named this Magician as one of my favorites in an early 'Favorite Majors' series most, and I must say that I'm still of that opinion. I particularly enjoy the fact that the Magician here is a woman, but not in the overly feminized and/or sexualized sense seen in some decks - no, she is presented as powerful, and in many ways stylized, like so many ancient statues. This makes clear that what he have here is still an archetype, and idea depicted in human form, but at the same time it universalizes that idea: power and self confidence is not, nor should it be seen as, just a man's domain.

She wears a skirt covered in pentacles, has sword in hand, cup on the altar in front of her and wand held by the trunk of her elephant shield. What does it mean, that elephant? Wisdom, massive strength, a long memory? According to the almighty Internet, it is often used to symbolize mental and spiritual, as well as physical, power and strength. Interestingly, apparently there is a connection between the elephant and those storm clouds I hadn't at all known about:

"In Siam, Laos and Cambodia, the white elephant grants rainfall and plentiful harvests. But when ridden by Indra, Lord of the Heavens, the elephant becomes the Storm-God."

Other meanings include mastery, and unification of heaven and earth...well, apparently in many cultures the elephant has quite a similar significance as this very card. Since getting this deck I have been intrigued by how symbolism-dense it is, and this bit of research has got me thinking about perhaps looking into that more deeply...

In any case, we have the monkey from the Thoth as well, echoing those meanings, and the storm clouds that can apparently be tied to that elephant shield, but perhaps too can be read as...well, lightening is mighty powerful too, isn't it, and dangerous, but there is so much we would have never achieved has someone not figured out how to harness the power of electricity...

And what does this all mean, as related to my original query? What should I be focusing on in the very current moment in particular? On myself, it seems, on myself and what I can do, my abilities and strengths. I should focus on self confidence, empowerment, the active, can do, inner motivation and drawing on my resources, in spite of any storm clouds that may be lingering above, darkening the skies. Mundane and esoteric, environmental and personal...how can I empower myself?

True enough this. After quite decently long stretch of feeling quite on top of my game I'm afraid I have been slipping back into self doubt, questioning whether everything I am doing is on some level pointless. Career-wise, it's hard not to be discouraged when... no one seems interested in taking you on even for unpaid internships. Of course, the more discouraged and unconfident you feel, the harder it is to push yourself to keep applying and keep trying and that can only add to the problem...

So reminder here to focus on strengths rather than dwelling over much on the shortcomings. Perhaps in some areas of life I have not made much progress, but in others things have changed and evolved much indeed. There are some things you cannot change or cannot, at this time, overcome. Fine. Focus on what you CAN do, what you ARE capable of, and things that make you feel good about you.

Amazing Aces: Cups

So, to continue with the favorite Aces series, we move onto the second of four - the Ace of Cups. In contrast to the Ace of Swords, which as I wrote before, tends to have that kind of dual nature - new starts but also cutting away the old, severing, the cups Ace tends to be more uniformly positive in meaning - then again, the cups suit in general, one could argue, is a more positive suit.

What does it represent in readings, this Ace? For me, it's usually about new beginnings, opportunities which will be emotionally fulfilling - things that call to your soul. It can be the beginning of a new relationship, a new friendship or romance; it can be the start of, or an addition to, a family. Good feelings, intuitive growth, taking things to a new level with something or someone you care for. So which decks, from my current collection, do I feel represent these ideas best?

Swedish Witch

I really like how the Swedish Witch tarot presents this Ace. Like the rest of this deck, the card's artwork is rich with symbolism, without seeming overly-cluttered or busy. It takes the traditional Ace image of the large cup and really spices it up with a lush background - pond with reeds and lily pads, frogs and fish and colorful birds, even a mermaid sitting at the base of the cup. You get the sense of a warm, comfortable, nurturing environment. It's an ecosystem, symbiotic, natural, everything coming together, each creature with its own niche in the grand scheme of things.

The sun rising up out of the cup really shows the positive energy that the ace often represents, the light that these kinds of opportunities can bring into your life. In the unicorn that decorates the cup, I see just a bit of whimsy, a bit of the fantastical - permission to let yourself dream, to let your fancies take you wear they might, to let your guard down and simply enjoy what's here in front of you today. 

Victorian Romantic

The Victorian Romantic's take on this ace is another firm favorite, taking a rather different approach to the card. One of the things I really enjoy about this deck is the balance it strikes between maintaining a firm RWS influence while having enough of an original aspect to each of the cards that there is plenty to read in the images without resorting to purely standard meanings. Here, we have a lovely picture - the artwork itself is just incredible - of two nude figures meeting under water. One sits in the shell, the other meets her from above, bathed in a shaft of sunlight.

Is he approaching or being pulled away? It's a bit hard to tell, open to interpretation. The bond though, the strength of their connection, is obvious. They are willing to overcome obstacles, the pull of the waves, to meet. If this is a beginning, what will follow? The possibilities are many. In their nudity, they allow themselves to be vulnerable, to see each other as they really are. The old-style natural body shapes here a welcome relief from too many decks with too-perfect slim and tones and bustily presented forms. The color palette is incredible.

Golden Tarot of Klimt

Finally, we have an ace from the Golden Tarot of Klimt. Unlike the others, there is no elemental symbolism in this card, or in the minors of the suit generally. The color palette too, is rather different. Usually I like my Aces to be watery, so why pick this one? Honestly, I though the image we are presented here was perfect, conceptually. What's interesting about this deck is how both this card and the two of cups have couples. But whereas in the latter the couple in naked, familiar, intimate, embracing each other in what seems to be a time of distress, here we have a picture of the relationship at its beginning.

Here the couple, though firmly drawn to each other, is still at the start of things. They are dressed rather formally, as if for show. Their embrace is likewise proper, with a certain element of stiffness, distance - they aren't yet, in spite of their developing feelings, quite comfortable together. And there are the roses everywhere, beautiful, tokens often given at the start of courting. They still mean something, here. Later, simply a touch, the presence of the other would be enough. There is potential, still undeveloped, here. The relationship can grow, like a well-tended rosebush; or wither, a plant neglected. 

Cardstock: Highs and Lows

So back on the tarot forums, many a thread and comment can be found on the subject of cardstock. For some, this is a major dealbreaker when deciding whether to get or to keep a new deck. I don't take it as seriously as some - if a deck has enough other merits, I'll likely keep it almost irregardless of the cardstock's level of mediocrity. That said, it is something I note, and I figured it would be interesting to post about  my favorites as well as about some worst offenders from my own collection. This is of course highly subjective, based on my own particular likes and preferences; also, only somewhat correlated to my level of like for the deck overall.

FAVORITES

1. Thoth

When I first got the Thoth, it was a more recent printing, but after reading about the superiority of older copies, I eventually procured for myself a 1986 AGM printing. This is one of those decks I've done a bunch of things to: trimmed it, gilted the edges in a kind of bronze color, etc. There really is such a world of difference in the older printing and the current ones. The cardstock is much, much nicer on the old, and the colors are richer as well, with better contrasts. 

It shuffles very nicely. The smaller post-trim size is perfect for me, and...yeah. Not too thick or flimsy and not plasticky. Great with post over-hand and riffle shuffle methods.

2. Absurd

As I said in other post about it, I really do enjoy the cardstock of the Absurd tarot. The feel of it in particular is really nice - someone described it as buttery and I don't think that's inaccurate way of putting it.

It's a nice medium, not quite matte but not over-glossy, and it really brings out and plays up the contrast of black and white of the images really well. I love how nicely it shuffles, again, being great for either method.

3. Swedish Witch

Lastly, the cardstock of the Swedish Witch tarot I have is quite nice as well. Not sure exactly which edition/printing it may be...I bought it in a new age shop during my visit to Sweden last year and the box is probably somewhere in the depths of my parents' house by now. After trimming it a bit, the size is again exactly how I prefer my decks to be, and overall, I find it quite similar to the Thoth in feel. I have no issues shuffling it in any way, it doesn't feel stiff or floppy, and it showcases the colors of the images quite nicely.

WORST OFFENDERS

1. Light and Shadow

I had such high hope for this deck, and I still do really like the actual images of the cards and how it reads, but well - as far as cardstock goes, ugh. The cards are huge and impossible to trim much. Not only that, but they are flimsy, floppy, and very plasticky feeling. Huge floppy cards do not for fun shuffling times make.

They also, for some bizarre reason (I've not encountered this on any other deck thus far) put plastic on the EDGES so that any attempt at gilting them is...not very successful.

This could be such an awesome deck, but the horrid cardstock instead places it rather far down on my list as far as preference goes. Publisher really did it a disservice :/

2. Corte dei Tarocchi

Ok, so first of all, I do get that this one was printer more as a collectors item than with reading in mind. That said, I have a thing about reading with ALL of my decks, and well.

In my life, I have not seen a deck with cardstock thicker than the cardstock of the Corte dei Tarocchi. Or even close to it. The whole deck stands in a tall, tall stack, and shuffling it all at once in any way is exceeding difficult. I've even had to adjust my method of choosing cards to ensure its properly mixed/random.

That said, it does feel nice (if unlaminated/delicate) and overall I do quite enjoy this deck muchly. But the shuffling.....

3. Sun and Moon

This is one of my favorites, but in the wider online tarot community, it seems to engender rather varied opinions. Some people, like me, quite like it; others have a very low opinion indeed. Among the latter, the cardstock quality is often mentioned, and in that regard, I really cannot argue. I love this deck in spite of its cardstock, because its other merits are just that high, for me.

Whats wrong with it? Well, to its advantage it isn't uber-glossy like some USG decks of recent years, but...cardboardy would be an accurate way of describing it. Moderately thick and really really stiff. Shuffling it is possible, but not easy. My trimming and gilting experiments have improved it much in my eyes, but nonetheless... Not exactly a fine example of great quality printing as far as cardstock is concerned.

My Favorite Majors: Justice

Like The Wheel, Justice/Adjustment is a rather flexible major in terms of meanings in a reading, and similar to what I wrote for that one, it, too, has rather changed/broadened in meaning for me over the years. It;s a major I had trouble connecting with when I first started reading tarot, but one that makes perfect sense to me now. It's my year card this year, too!

It's interesting that this is one of the majors that seems to be most consistently portrayed across decks - regardless of deck theme, art style, system, whatever...almost always we have the scales, the sword. There are quite a few takes on this major I really like, and likewise quite a few that I find singularly unimpressive. I seriously debated choosing Thoth's just because I like it, conceptually, so very much...the title Adjustment REALLY meshes with my take on this card...but in the end, aesthetics informed my decision more, ha.

XI. Justice

Favorite:
There's really a lot I like about this card. The Swedish Witch deck in general is just...the majors are SO symbol-packed, and yet it looks very natural, and perfect for the art. Here we have a feather crown, the whole Maat/justice connection, and the scales and sword, pyramids showing historical connection, the thread throughout time, and the vulture which is not the bird normally associated with justice, in my experience, but which makes me pause and really think about this card in a different way; I like that. I like the balance of the sun and moon (or full and crescent moon, I guess) at her sides, the almost-nakedness combined with the wings, human and divine...a lot of things balanced in this card, which makes sense since it IS a card about balance, equilibrium. Use of color, the white and the red throughout, that dichotomy and all it can be made to represent...peace and war, passion and calm, body and soul...

SO much you can delve into in this card, and it all comes together into this kind of quirky and unique image that I really quite like aesthetically and yes. I really like this take on Justice.

Runner Up:
I debated quite a bit between this and another deck's Justice, but ultimately...I like this one a lot too. It isn't so intellectually engaging or striking to me, as it is comfortable. You take a look at this Justice and just GET it. Her position, her posture speaks of higher authority, which I know the companion book gets into but I honestly only vaguely remember at this point the story behind the major. The colors of her clothes set this off too, the deep indigo and almost-black violet, and there's an almost-classical look to how the folds of the clothes fall around her which reminds be of sculptures in courthouses and monuments. She has the sword, and the scales of course, and there is an owl next to her, which is a more ordinary/appropriate bird for the concept, I guess. I really like that she is sitting in nature, the stone and the sky above her. A comfortable card, as I said. Encompasses everything it needs to quite well.

for today - goodbye and hello

So yeah, today is one of those occasional days where I actually feel like doing a 'daily draw' type thing - you know, picking a card for the day. I'm also about the switch off the two decks I'm working with, so I figured it'd be interesting to pull two cards: one from one of the decks I'm about to put away that I really connected with, as a kind of goodbye message, and one from one of the decks I'm looking forward to working with, as a kind of hello message.

The Swedish Witch, a deck I always thought was cool, and which I was quite happy to be able to go on an adventure to buy when I was in Sweden, ended up being an even better reading deck than I could have hoped. I really enjoyed working with it, and with all that symbolism, I feel it'd make a great deck to study/work with exclusively, one day...

Anyway, my daily message from this one is the King of Swords...a card of action, of passion, of in control kind of DOING. We have two horses here, ready to move things along, and flames to add urgency to the situation. There's a horse on the King's helmet too...a card of movement messages indeed.

Very apt, in fact. This wasn't the best of weeks for me in many ways, including very poor sleep patterns, and as a result I didn't wake up until 1pm, which is VERY late for me. It's after five in the evening now, and I still haven't done anything meaningfully productive. Don't plan on going to sleep until very late, so there's still plenty of time, but I think this card is a very CLEAR message to get my arse up and start doing things. Run to the store, clean, laundry, schoolwork...the list is long. In fact, this being a King and not a knight, and thus subject to more organization and discipline, makes me think I ought to update that list and then really make myself start doing things on it and crossing it out. Get moving, this card says. Now.

Yes, I posted about this deck before, when it first came, and the time has now come to devote some time to getting to know it. There are many reasons why this deck really calls to me, though there are some drawbacks too - a few years ago, the very simple, uninspired pips might have been a major challenge to me. Fortunately these days, I can work with unillustrated pips just fine, and the majors and courts more than make up for it, methinks. We shall see.

In any case, the message from here is the lovers...an interesting take to be sure. We have the Marseille tradition image of a man surrounded by two lovely ladies to choose between...one is dressed in the fashion of the Islamic conquerors of the region, Islamic culture, North African variant (makes me think of the ladies on the streets in 'Battle of Algiers') while the second lady wears traditional North African Berber dress. Sun shines brightly behind them all. Of course, there's an interesting component here, not present in the European tradition, of the fact that If the dude is Muslim as well, he COULD actually marry both of these ladies...

In any case, choices choices, eh? Overwhelmed with choices. In this case, with what to do. This is one of the reasons I've been awake for several hours and haven't gotten anything significant done. What to start with? The mess that is my floor, my desk, my bed? The lost debit card I need to try to locate? The readings I need to do for my classes on Monday? The Arabic homework? Spinning around and everywhere a something that needs to get done and I get dizzy from it all so I say, in a bit, and go back to trimming some cards. Choices choices. Neither of these ladies is a bad option, right? Just pick something and start with it. Whatever you get done, that's progress, thats one less thing on the To Do List. Choices choices - sometimes any decision is better than indecision.

a very appropriate quick draw

What can I say? I drew a pair of cards today, a very rushed/casual thing done with the intent to have something to ponder on throughout the day. what do i get? i perfect, perfect reflection and description of the story of my life right now, not just in the themes of the cards but quite literally in the imagery. a lot of this has to do with things that are more the territory of my personal journal/that I don't want to get into in detail here, so i'll keep this succint...

last night, two in the morning, chechen dude article finally written, finished. for a number of reasons, physically and mentally exhausted. staring at the brightly lit computer screen, so tired you want to cry except that doing so would take too much energy. tired of feeling like drowning, of so many silly self-defeating tendencies...

but you've a list. reading you very much need to do. arabic vocab to study. more info you need to absorb. work you need to go to, do with some basic level of competence. and more, higher goals. dizzy with exhaustion you distract yourself by playing artistically with old pictures in photoshop. need to get batteries, you say, for the camera - thinking of more images to capture.

wake up in the morning, three hours of sleep. bleary-eyed, force yourself to read about computer network defense. no time to eat, bits of poetry drifting around your in head in the shower. character ideas, magic systems, story worlds floating about as you drag yourself outside, force tired body to walk over cobblestone sidewalks. this morning is so pretty. the weather is so nice. wishing you could paint, because these things your eyes see look so beautiful.

the ten of swords does not inspire the empress, but neither does it stifle her, really. that juxtaposition: how much of a garden can you grow with stubborn will and limited water and limited sun?

academic advice again

Well, I did a reading a while back for advice on an academic paper I'd needed to write, and liked how that well. Have something else I need to finish by the end of the month - not strictly for school, more like an article/entry to [hopefully] be published in this upcoming encycolopedia o' terrorism thing, so important - and figured it'd be useful to use the same spread/reading idea. Basically two pairs - the first pair for advice as to process, the second for advice as to content.

So here, in the first pair, I see, well - useful if unsurprising advice. One of those *prod prod* type messages from the cards. In the lovers card I see the need for synthesis - to combine the creativity and inspiration of the Empress with the discipline and organization of the Emperor. I can create/write up something awesome, can do this successfully, but I need to really channel BOTH of those energies. As in, not random ideas and disorganized outline like I have now but really sit down and force myself to WORK on it. Discipline, more deliberate effort. This is emphasized by the fool - stop procrastinating, because in this case the procrastination isn't borne of laziness but rather of self-doubt, nervousness, the fact that writing something that's to be PUBLISHED, and not just for school, is intimidating. Have confidence, or at least an optimistic attitude, channel that carefree energy of the Fool, and JUST DO IT ALREADY. It's not that long of a project. Just. Get. To. It. Think of it as a sort of intellectual adventure if that makes it easier. Lots of positive potential in these cards, but really calls for deliberate work/action on my part to follow through on this opportunity.

Ok, so content-wise, again, as last time, this makes a lot of sense. I'm doing my entry on this former Chechen President/alleged terrorist figure (don't want to use the name because don't want it possibly popping up in google searches associated with my tarot blog, lol /paranoia) and basically...part of my own view of him, and something I am trying to get across even in the context of a medium that calls for OBJECTIVITY in writing...

Well the strength card, represents earlier part of his involvement in the conflict pretty well. He played a major role in the success of the Chechen seperatists in the first war, both in terms of being chief of staff of the chechen military and in terms of playing a major role in being a pragmatic negotiator with the Russians in making the peace. He wasn't an extremist, but a nationalist, who wanted peace but also wanted Chechnya to be its own country. Of course, he wasn't successful either my force or my more peaceful means in dealing with all the problems in the country as President, and the whole idea of the snake lurking there, and playing with fire...during the second war he was increasingly allied to the wahhabist/terrorist extremists like basayev and khattab et al. Did call for holy war, made moves to institutionalize some semblence of shariah law...arguabely forced to by the situation, increasingly loss of control, rise of influence of the extremist salafists and criminal gangs and russian intractability but...on the other hand...and here's where the moon card really comes in: was he, when it comes down to it, a violent terrorist like the Russians claim? Did he in fact implicitly condone acts of terror like the theatre seige and beslan and all the suicide bomb attacks? Or was he a moderate forced into increasingly difficult/impossible position my extremists on both sides of the conflict? When you look at the atrocities and war crimes Russian forces committed with impunity in Chechnya... and up until his death he was still trying to call for ceasefires and negotiation...but was that done out of lingering moderate impulses or the desperation of his position?

Much room for interpretation, debate. Various sources say vastly different things...must find a nice, academic, objective way of trying to convey all this in ~1000 words along with all the basic biographical information

And yeah, again, this was quite useful use of the cards :]
Interesting too, that it was all majors that came up this time...

Quick Card-Based Story

Another random tarot exercise for the stretching of the mind. Nothing too unique, story based on the cards. I've done this before, even gone to a tarot meeting with this as a presentation subject. Before though, I did it based on one card. Here, doing it on a three card draw. Though, because I'm a bit short on time (procrastination ftw) going to keep this succinct.

---

We arrived on the colony as planned. It was much as they said it would be and yet...it didn't feel like the land of new possibilities, not really. The geologists had told us that there were stones under the earth, so very many rich deposits of gems and minerals that we could mine and trade back to the home world. They told us the land was fertile and rich in the valleys, that we could grow much food, perhaps even enough to export, once we used the tools we'd brought and planted the seeds. They told us many things, and we came. And we came, and all we could see was rocks, treacherous mountain-tops on hard, cold earth. It was darker here than the home-world...the nights stretched on and on and there was only one single moon to illuminate the sky, meagerly. There were rodents that scrambled about and bits of old bones in gullies and we were overwhelmed. 

So we opened the shell. We opened the shell where she, our princess, had slept, had waited out the longer journey from our world to this one. She alone among the court had chosen to come with us, to this new world, this new adventure, this new place. She arose from the shell with fresh flowers still braided into her her and she grinned, looked around and grinned at all of us. She raised her arms in toast, in possibility. Her beaver-familiar, always presented, mimicked her, and we all felt lighter, somehow. She would see a way through this for us, we thought then.

And she did. Where we saw cold earth she saw the possibility of plants, of lions running about through verdant grass, of vines and blossoms curling over the rocks, of glittering gems fashioned into wreaths. We followed her vision. We followed her vision of zebra-stripped trees, of valleys of flowering grass, of fresh fruit and greens. We introduced wildlife, and we did not cage them or run from them. The lions and monkeys played with our children, learned from them, taught. We scrambled among the mine-caves, the branches of trees, swam in the long winding rivers that were the closest thing this world had to a sea. The short periods of light saw all of us outside, basking in the rays, and in the dark we built sea-shell shaped torches that glowed white and gold and here, here our children grew taller, climbed higher, knew more, this world of strange possibility where lions could sit on zebra-striped trees and through hard work we could grow rich.

My Favorite Majors: The Emperor

So yeah, the Emperor. This is a card that doesn't really grab me in any way. I neither love in nor hate it; don't have any strong conceptual issues with it, but don't identify with it either. I don't really have trouble reading it in spreads, so...it's there. That said, the standard type image of the man sitting in a throne...not the most exciting or evocative of things. It took me a bit of looking through my decks to settle on the favorites here.

IV. Emperor

Favorite:

Evocative - that's what comes to mind when I look at this card, what this emperor has that so many, for me, do not. I love the rich, lavish atmosphere of the Legacy of the Divine take on this - it LOOKS like the setting that an emperor, a man of real power and authority, might find himself in. I love the use of color - gold and purple for imperial authority, the red and gold to suggest martial discipline, the stained glass Aries in the back. Just really stunning to look at. Also, for me, this cards evokes easily both positive and negative aspects of the card: on the one hand, look at how much you can achieve if you act decisively, if you can organize and be disciplined and assertive; on the other, look how much power is concentrated in the hands of one man - is that fair, really? Does he deserve all of those riches? Why does he get to take so much when others have so little. Ah, musings on the nature and legitimacy of authority...

Runner Up:

I was originally going to choose something else as my runner up card, but shuffling through Swedish Witch I realized just how much I enjoy this one. First of all, I love how much relevant symbolism is packed into each of the major arcana in this deck, really. Like this one, a lot of the traditional RWS/Thoth Emperor symbols, like the eagle shield, the ram, the crown, etc, but done an original and quite aesthetically pleasing way. Also? It has a PANDA (and bamboo for it to eat too!). Come on, a PANDA - how cool is that? I don't even know the possible symbolic significance of pandas in the context of this card but it fills me with much amusement nonetheless. My only small issue with this Emperor is his expression - a bit too happy/laid back/jolly looking for my conceptual take on this major. But still, its very pretty and I likey much.

on uncertainty

A bit pressed for time, comme d'habitude, but decided to do a quick reading for myself on the subject of all the uncertainty in my life right now.

There's a few things, really. For one, I'm finishing up reading for the first session of my Cyberwar class tonight. Now, usually I'm pretty confident in my abilities, academically speaking...but taking this class in part to fulfill a requirement for my grad program and in part because I didn't want to be a coward and back out of a class I could learn a lot from just because I don't already feel comfortable with the material...but I admit I feel a bit overwhelmed and...yes, uncertain. I just...don't know nearly as much about things like computer networks as I do about the middle east or somalia or chechnya or ethnic conflicts or history or languages etc etc etc. and being a grad level class...it makes me a bit nervous.

Also there is the fact that my housing situation is so chaotic right now - as in been staying in a hotel last few days due to floors being redone, and going to have to juggle moving back in with work AND class tomorrow and just...gah. And I have an article thing I'm supposed to write by the end of the month for something that is actually going to be published and...yeah. And that's not even touching on personal life stuff and yeah...lots and lots of uncertainty floating around my life and brain right now.

So I draw these two cards. First impression....lots of blue :0

But really, such a nice, succint, reassuring message here. Of all the courts I identify most with the Queen of Swords, both in her positive and her negative aspects, and here she is, upright: You can do it, man. Attitude, experience, intellectual-wise, all of it - you have it. You have the sword and the crystal ball, the emotional grounding and the logic to guide you and...you can handle this nonsense. Maybe it won't be so easy, but hey, you're used to not easy, right? You laugh in the face of not easy. Come on now, chin up, use you inner wisdom and stop with all this self doubt. You can totally do it because you have the inner resources to handle all of this.

And it will turn out well, all of it. If you work hard, you'll do fine in the class, well enough to be reasonably pleased with yourself. Your housing situation, pain in the ass or no, will be settled in a few days and then you'll be nice and comfortable and have shiny re-done floors to boot! You can get that writing done. Success, and being able to be happy with yourself at your success, is totally within the realm of possible, graspable, do-able. And this is a LOGICAL ASSESSMENT OF THE SITUATION THE QUEEN OF SWORDS SAYS SO LOGIC, MAN, LOGIC. So LISTEN :]

Also, emphasis on that Ten of Cups. When you do handle it, when you do succeed despite stress and nervousness and whatever other obstacles your mind or life may throw at you...give yourself CREDIT for it. Pat yourself on the back. Do something nice for yourself. Positive-reinforcement and all that.

But yeah, the gist: stop worrying so much, you can handle it and things will turn out fine.

...good to hear :0

memory & cards exercise

Well, here is another attempt on my part to explore relationship with the cards through various not-quite-a-reading type exercises. This idea is pretty straightforward - draw card, and working mostly off of the images on the card, write about a specific memory. Not general 'things i used to do' but of a specific place and moment in time. Then if possible connect that back with the 'traditional' meaning of the card. So...

I've never really ridden a horse, I don't think. There was a birthday party for the granddaughter of a family friend when I was maybe twelve or thirteen. I vaguely recall there being a pony there for a while. The younger kids took turns riding it. I honestly can't remember if I did. I was a good bit older than them, and had never been stereotypical 'I want a pony girl' so it's very possible I might have passed. It was a short ride around in a circle on a front lawn in suburbia type thing, highly unexciting.

I have ridden on a camel. Also nothing too terribly exciting, except that it was in Egypt, in Giza in front of the pyramids. Of course, made less pleasant by the fact that the camels had sores and flies on them and I felt bad for the animals. It was exciting and yet so...controlled. So touristy. Being led in a line across a small stretch of desert and back. I never really like that touristy feel, have a far too easy time seeing myself and companions through the eyes of the ones doing the talking and guiding and whatever and just...I don't like the falseness of it. No doubt useful way to see the 'sights' and yet... My least favorite part of that trip to Egypt was the few days we stayed in Hurgada. It was so pretty and clean and full of Western style restaurants and just so...immaculately touristy. Some people spent entire vacations in places like that, in Sharm-el-Sheik. I just wanted to leave, leave, leave. When I travel, and i DO love traveling more than almost anything else, I want to really EXPERIENCE the place to which I am going. A tourist resort is not Egypt, not the real Egypt, no. It was later, that last week where, having no one to do things with I spent entire days walking around Cairo alone. Some people raise eyebrows when I mention that bit. talk about safety, but...nothing happened, nothing at all.

I walked across the long bridge from Zamalek, through Tahrir square, on the news so much these days but then, before all of that started, perfectly ordinary. There were always people sitting around in front of the stone railing around the bridges, enjoying the Nile, and yes, especially around sunset the Nile was beautiful. Once or twice I bough roasted corn from a street vendor. It was vegan after all, and tasted good enough; like corn. I crossed those massive busy streets with no real intersections, no lights or walk signs you just wait for an opportunity and run across. There was a man selling tea under an underpass, where lots of people also gathered and sat because summer is so hot there and underpass means shade. I definitely admired the women wearing the black abayas, covered entirely and in black in that heat. Some men wore gallabiyas which are similar shaped but light-colored, not the same thing at all.

There was that store in a very, very un-touristy neighborhood which sold koshari, this really yummy dish of pasta and fried onions and lentils and tomato sauce and chickpeas in huge tubs and for so cheap, given exchange rates. The big stores in the downtown area you passed, the movie theatre, the way you walked and walked because what else was there to do, stop in a cafe for a glass of chilled mango juice because it was so hot, so fucking hot and the cafe was cool, walk further, the book store full of books you can't understand, walk further, take in everything with your ears, your eyes, wish you could run away, stay here, the unfamiliarity of it all, walk further, go.

Exploring the world. Same concept, really, the woman on the horse with the bow. The nine staves, nine obstacles, a fence of faces, ideas of what you shouldn't do. Stay within these limits. Stay within these rules. This is safe. This is safe. This is what you are used to. She doesn't need anyone with her - she is ready, excited to go, confident that she can take on anything, in night or day, whatever, let us see something, let us go. My approach to life really. Some would call me reckless, and I won't deny that, but I don't think all recklessness is necessarily bad. A bit of danger does make things more exciting. Jumping out of a plane was the best thing I've ever done. And if I am in a new place, an interesting place, a place I might never have the chance to visit again, why shouldn't I take the chance and walk around and explore and see what i can? If I have no one to do it with should I let that limit me? No, no, no. Even here, in my neighborhood, which some people seem to think is not the safest of places...I've walked around alone, after dark, and it was fine. Nothing happened. Nothing bothered me.

Not that this is always advice I'd give others, not least of which because my priorities in life ARE kind of skewy, but...refuse to let such supposed obstacles limit me. Not obstacles of others, vague, and [working on] not obstacles in my mind...expplore, explore, see how much you can do, and if that is recklessness, so be it, I am reckless. I really would prefer a short but interesting life anyway.

Another go at '5 Ws and an H' exercise

So decided I felt like giving this one another try. I do like doing things with tarot that are a bit intellectually challenging, so why not giving this one another shot with a different deck. Trying to be briefer this time with my responses, perhaps?

Again, found the exercise on Zanna Starr's blog, where her directions for it are as follows:

"For the 5W's and an H exercise, we use one Tarot card to answer the questions Who? What? When? Where? Why? and How? As an additional requirement, each answer can be only one phrase or sentence. The idea is to respond intuitively, without a lot of description or explanation."

Swedish Witch Tarot - Wheel of Fortune

Who?
Someone going through some major life transition or personal transformation. Someone in the process of moving between major phases of their life, whether for the better or for the worse.

What?
A major change, a new phase of things beginning. A cycle. Rising from the ashes or falling from a pedestal. Movement, lots of movement, lows and highs. Something showy.

When?
When there are lots of changes going on, physical or mental or both. When things are moving forward, leaving the past behind. When its time to move on.

Where?
A place of movement, transition, perhaps literally so - a place of wheels, vehicles and such? A place of personal significance, where some major life change happened in the past - or, alternatively, a brand new place for a fresh new start.

Why?
No reason, randomnosity, because shit happens sometimes whether you deserve it or not. Fortune, random, chance - not justice well weighed, here. Life moves, wheel spins, sometimes you win sometimes you lose just roll with it, that's why.

How?
Quite naturally, forces will ensure that wheel spins. Out of your hands, out of your power. The change will happen, good or bad, the old will end the new will begin, unstoppable.

2012 Year Card

So, just out of idle intellectual curiosity, decided to calculate my personal year card for 2012, plus 2011 while I was at it, since that year is over now, to see how applicable it in fact was. Pretty simple really, add your day and month of birth to the year in question and voila, there be your card for that year.

It turns out that my year card for 2011 was the Wheel of Fortune - you know, the card that speaks of life's ups and downs, fortunes changing for the worse, then for the better again...in this sense, describes the year pretty well for me on a micro level. I had some really good experiences, and some really difficult times as well. Some experiences were even kind of both, in different ways. This card also speaks a lot about changes - like, major life changes - and again, as I've mentioned in previous posts here, that way very much a 2011 thing. In fact, on my personal journal I kind of wrote out a list of major things that happened in 2011 for me and yeah, there were a lot of moves, shifts, new things happening, trying or doing things for the very first time. I ended the year in a different city, in a new school, in a different job, in a different social situation, with a whole list of new things I'd done, compared to the begining of the year. Mentally too, though less drastically, I think it was a year of some shifting 'wheel-turning' as it were, so yes. I can totally see this as being an appropriate card to describe 2011, in retrospect.

Which brings us to 2012. The year card for this new year is apparently Justice.

So what exactly should I take this to mean, then? Well, Justice is really in a lot of ways a card that speaks to balance, equilibrium, getting things the way they should be and maintaining that. It's objective right, fairness - cold logic. The logic of the sword, sharp and intellectual and unyeilding. It's about deferring to yes, this the right, objectively so, rather than whatever you may feel about the matter. It's connected to society, the people around you, morals as influenced by your surroundings rather than only your own beliefs. It's about doing right - not being judged for it afterwards, really (that's Judgement) but the actual act of DOING it...Setting things right according to objective standards...

This does make a certain sense. There are areas in my life where my approach has certainly been less than balance. See, I have a remarkable ability to be very fair and understanding and empathtic towards other people, and very harsh, judgemental, illogical in my approach to myself, my own actions. There are reasons for that, which this isn't the place for getting into, but suffice to say this is an area that I could very much benefit from working on. I like the objectivity and logic aspect of this especially. I am, as I often state, and INTP. I like logic very much. Many of my actions are dictated by it, and in general I find that doing the thing I know is logical rather than the thing I feel like doing tends to be for the best. So in broad strokes - do that more. Try to bring more balance, more fairness to myself, more equilibrium into my life.

Trying to think too, what this card might mean more externally. I can't imagine it's really a reference to any legal matters, as there are none of those in my life right now (though, I guess, you never know). I suppose again, more proper balance in school, work, social relationships...

A year of...gradual, steady improvement and not too many dramatic changes or shocks, inshallah.

(Incidentally, the last time I had a Justice year was apparently 2003. I was still pretty young then, but I very much remember that as a pretty craptastic year where a lot of things went to hell, so to speak, especially personally/mentally. So uh, I suppose that was a year in which balance was in the forefront for its lack?) In any case, yeah, inshallah in 2012 there will be plenty, not dearth :]

My Favorite Majors: The Magician

So continuing on with this whole little excercise/series thing. Next up is the Magician, card number one in the major arcana. Funny thing about this one: in going through my decks and trying to decided which cards to choose...I realized that, though this is actually one of the majors I feel most comfortable with, it's not a card that tends to stand out. Like, none of the Magician cards in my most favorite decks tend to stand out to me, and it actually took me a lot of browsing through my decks to find the two Magician cards I thought best represented the concepts and appealed to me visually...

Without further ado/tl;dr then...

I. Magician

Favorite:

I made a very concerted effort to procure this deck when I was in Sweden, as I'd admired the art for a while and the chance to have a real Swedish edition with Swedish language subtitles certainly appealed. To be honest, other than giving it a much-needed trim, haven't gotten around to reading much with the deck yet. However, be that as it is, this Magician really really does appeal to me. I love the art style of this deck overall, and I feel this card does a great job in incorporating some of the traditional RWS aspects of the Magician card (body position, alter etc) with its own style and just...the lightening, the animal symbolism, the pentacles on the garment, just the general atmosphere of this card...

I look at it and I can FEEL the power of this Magician, that sense of taking control, getting things done by force of will, self-realization. It's really a great representation of the major, methinks. Also, the colors and just the exotic feel of this, which is really this deck throughout...very nice.

Runner Up:

I kind of suprised myself in choosing this as the runner up best Magician. The Fey is another deck I've gotten, trimmed, but haven't worked with much yet. I like it: it's light-hearted, fun, pretty. But...I really didn't expect it to be the source of a FAVORITE card, to be honest. This one though...It's not super traditional, to be sure, but...that's kind of what makes it work so well for me. It's a bit of a different aspect of the Magician: here he is, confident in his powers, his showy ability, look what I can do - that kind of arrogance that comes with precociousness. He's experimenting on mice, living creatures, and while yes, it does show how talented he is...it also shows the limitations of the Magician. It is, after all, number one in the arcana, the begining of the journey. There's a certain selfishness to this card, the charlatan aspects, willingness to decieve, a self-centered outlook that limits what he can achieve: he isn't thinking about the effect of his magic on the mice, doesn't consider whether what he is doing is ethical. He just goes. Has he considered all the consequences, what could go wrong?

In other words, this could open up a lot of deep/interesting interpretations in a reading. Also, the art, like the rest of the deck, is quirky, fun, appeals to the childish fantasy-lover in me, so yes. This be my second pick. :]