What do I love?

Not this holiday, to be sure, but here is not the place to rant about tacky heart decorations and cheap processed chocolate aggressively marketed in stores. No, in an attempt at making something out of the spirit of things, a simple card draw for a simple question: what do I love?

I admit that a pair of queens was not exactly what I was expecting to draw, and not this pair especially. But I suppose, if I think about it...

The queen of cups is the queen of dreams, of imagination, emotion, intuition. These aren't all necessarily things I would conciously identify with; there's too much the swords queen in my personality for that. And yet... I do have those strange, vivid dreams that are more like adventures or games or movies, where I crawl into strange worlds through ovens and search for gleams of lights, meet people I haven't seen for years and haven't even realized I'd missed.

I daydream. A bit less so than as a kid, but still. There are more characters than I could name floating around my head. I dip in and out of their worlds, their lives...story ideas, scenes. I switch between them so naturally, so constantly. On the train, as I walk, as I fall asleep.

And these tarot cards, these tarot cards which I collect, trade, buy, sell, waste hours looking through scans online of, have a stack of books about, and study and read and shuffle and draw. So serious, graduate student, learning about cyber attacks and ethnic conflicts and islamic history and serious things, serious, as I shuffle a deck of cards and how can I not when this thing fulfills me the way it does?

I love water, and I used to love swimming though I was never great at it; there are reasons now that doing so would be more of a pain than its reall worth. I love night time, especially in a city, running around under the moon. I like reading poems that have a very emotional, gut-wrenching effect. So yes, I suppose there are quite a few things that this queen represents that I love...

And what about the other queen then, the wands?

She has many arms for many tasks. Honestly, do you know how many times I genuinly wished this was possible? It would make life SO much easier to have an extra pair. Multi-tasker, busy busy queen. Spear ready to take on anything. It does make me happy to get things done, to accomplish difficult tasks and projects. Sometimes I do like to challenge myself, make things harder than they really have to be - a certain streak of stubborness or perfectionism, depending on this sitution. A few weeks ago I got it into my head to drag three large bags that altogether probably weighed more than I did several blocks home after failing to find a cab - I was terribly tired and physically in pain by the time I got there, but I was laughing because I did it, I did. That kind of thing...

I guess in a way I am in love, even, with the idea of accomplishment. With the idea that personal worth is somehow reliant on what you can DO, how well you can put your skills and talents and knowledge to use, how productive you are. It's why I get so frustrated with myself when I feel I haven't been productive enough, and why the thought that 'you will never accomplish that which you dream of doing and which you have the POTENTIAL to do' is so discouraging to me. To live a quiet, simple, happy life, a day to day life, calm and stable...it doesn't appeal to me, really. I want to DO something.

I guess that is a synchronicity of cups and wands - in love with the idealized dream of doing something tangible, productive, good.

and there are those times...

For the days when that "defiance" just doesn't happen. The days when, willfully or not, you self-indulgently retreat. Back turned to the world, eyes shut, body curled into itself: that isn't happening, nothing is happening, the world is going on, chugging away as always with busy busy and time ticking and hours passing but all of that has nothing to do with you - this dark corner, this little bit of space your only reality for a while.

For the days spent ignoring phone calls and leaving emails unanswered, the do-to-list forever expanding. For the days where not a single verbalized word passes your lips. For the days when leaving your little nook, even for the smallest thing, just seems far too overwhelming.

There's a skull-fish near you - a snack perhaps but no, a snack is never just a snack, always poisoned, always a danger. The little skull-fish, things lost, things intangible, the comfort that isn't really a comfort at all.

And there is you, self-aware despite everything. Eyes never completely covered because even when you are curled into your shadow you cannot help but LOOK, SEE, OBSERVE, ANALYZE AND ANNOTATE AND PONDER. And perhaps, even when you turn your back to the world, a part of you still craves for connection - not your little fish friend but real people. Peering out between darkened claw fingers: is there anyone nearby maybe? Can you trust them? Is it worth it? Could they hear you if you tried?

Behind you the factory goes on, smoke billowing out of stacks, work calling. Voices rumbling. Texts and calls and emails that must be answered eventually and of course your own bones will grow creaky, limbs numb from too long curled in that one position. You will have to do more than this eventually, soon.

one card ramble-writing

these are mine, all mine, you see, right? MINE. these I can hold, can clutch to my chest. these no one can take away from me, no, never. will not let them take away, cannot.

but you must watch where you are going! you're walking straight into that furnace, too busy looking behind you. you cannot live life like this, always fearful, always suspicious, waiting to be robbed. what kind of living is that?

that's what you'd like me to think, sure. let my guard down, loosen my grip and then... no, no i know what that's all about. i've worked too hard for these, gave too much of myself to acquire my wealth. i must hold onto it. that's what it's all about.

but look at you, walking alongside death to keep it, flirting with skeletons, wild-eyed. there are so many factories producing wonders, trinkets, curiosities to mesmerize the mind - if you could free your hands, go there, see...

see what? you think i don't see this skeleton-man, this death specter, always in my shadow, always waiting? do you think i am blind? this is what the coins are for: when everything else falls away, what i can grasp to my breast is what i will have. the material will comfort me. the metal is always worth the same: i can lose friends, can lose health, and sanity, and love, but gold? it is reliable, mine.

and you can lose all those things anyway, faster, by clutching too stubbornly, too desperately at what you already have.

"Equilibrium" - Roots and Branches

So I found this idea I quite like on the AT forums, about choosing a word for the year - something to work around, keep in mind, perhaps meditate on or write about or whatever. After spending a few days trying to think of an appropriate word I decided to take a cue from my year card, Justice and go with Equilibrium.

I like that word because it speaks of balance and fairness and all the stuff I wrote about in my year card post, and there are a LOT of areas in my life where I could really use some positive changes in this direction. Also, there's a kind of objective, logical quality to the word equilibrium that I like - it makes me think of my economics courses in college, the fact that on graphs, equilibrium was the point at which supply and demand met at a sustainable rate. Otherwise you'd have shortages or surpluses, problems, but at equilibrium, things are sustainable in the long term - even if things aren't perfect, at equilibrium you can let out a breath and know things are ok like this for a while. Again, something I could use more of for sure.

Decided to pull some cards for how to bring more Equilibrium into my life in a kind of roots/branches spread I've seen variants of on the forums...roots being the heart of the issue, the foundation, and branches being possibilities, outcomes, next steps.

Ace of Wands seems rather apt, in terms of foundation for trying to work more equilibrium into things...one thing I have to say about the Deviant Moon is...the majors are nice enough, sure, but this is one of those decks where it's the minors that really seal the deal for me. I love the Aces in this deck especially. Here, the ace of wands is a kind of wood/nature spirit woman. She holds a baby swathed in leaves, a kind of seed ready to grow, sprout. Her wand burns with possibility. Nurture it she needs to, though, right? Some work is needed, real work. And butterfly wings on her back, for transformation, transition, growth. Wands for energy, creativity, passion. Aces for initiatives and new beginnings.

Changes, even modest, realistic goal changes like 'I want more equilibrium in my life' (rather than more ambitious phrases like renewal! recovery! transformation!) don't just *happen* to you all on their own. I need to do something to make them happen, really approach this as something, a new initiative to follow through on, apply myself to with the best of my abilities.

This I find interesting as a branches card, because at first, it doesn't really seem to...well, stem from the Ace. If making positive changes is a project like this, like growing a garden, something that requires positive energy and creativity and drive, then why would the result, the branches, be this? We have a sad figure, sitting with his mask still on, in a comfortable enough place, well lit, orderly, looking not very happy at all...

But thinking about it more, it makes sense. See, just because you can recognize that change is necessary, that taking this and that step would improve your life significantly, doesn't mean that doing so is EASY. If it were EASY, you would have done so already, right? You are a creature of logic after all, or at least strive to be. If something is advantageous and easy, you go for it. But sometimes things aren't easy at all. Sometimes, letting go of what is familiar, even if it is not good-familiar, is terribly difficult. Sometimes you don't want to risk the crushing sense of defeat if your serious efforts at improvement don't work out. Sometimes you don't know where to start. Sometimes you make a great start and then don't know how to sustain that forward movement; you run out of energy, you sink to the ground in frustration and say, well I've already done this one thing, isn't that enough? But it isn't of course.

This card says to be realistic in expectations, and it commitments - it's not only about the Ace at the start. It's about continuing on even later, when that initial burst of start-energy dissipates. It's about continuing even when the motivation feels like such an ephemeral, intangible thing. It's about if you are serious about things, you need to know it won't always be easy, that things might get worse before they get better, and you need to be prepared for that. It is a clear-eyed, non rose-tinted vision.

lord of the root -
curl around us, here,
in tear-blackened earth. 

we are waiting for you,
waiting to sprout, to climb
higher, grasping for sky - 

we want to know you, 

wish to become
better than what we are
now, a sort of seed,
rough-edged and small. 

Nourish us.

Appreciated, cards, and duly noted. We'll see how this whole Equilibrium word thing goes...