a look at myself

The following is an abridged version of the Planetary Personality Spread shared by a member of the local tarot meetup group during her presentation last Saturday. The planetary positions on an astrological chart are used as a basis for the card positions in the spread. I thought my reading using this spread was rather on point, so figured I'd post it here.

1. The Ascendant
Your persona, what people see when they first meet you, the mask you present to the world.

As the title of the card would suggest, Temperance is in many ways traditionally a card of balance, of having patience and taking care, of moderating influences. In the Thoth, the card is called Art, Alchemy, in emphasis of the  mixing of the water in the cups, of experimenting and creating, combining, synergy and evolution. In the Nusantara, I see aspects of both of these takes: here, the figure looks harmonious, calm, at ease, carefully balancing and mixing; but there is a certain enthusiasm, a look of energy and enjoyment lacking in the traditional RWS artwork. She still has one foot in the water and one out of it, but the positioning looks more precarious, the water more roiling, the land more like the edge of a cliff. She almost looks like she could be dancing, and yet, is still quite absorbed in her task, the mixing.

What does this suggest about the persona I present to the world? A woman who tries to appear light, at ease, not particularly burdened; someone who wants to appear together, reasonable and trustworthy in their approach to the things they do; someone who very much enjoys experimenting and mixing various perspective, interests, hobbies, etc., even things one might not think very complementary or mixable; someone who tries to downplay the precarious nature of the ground she stands on (or not) and someone who has a hard time actually committing to any one thing, one foot here and one foot there.

2. The Sun
Your basic personality and temperament, your core behaviors, what drives you.

The five of cups generally signifies grief, loss, disappointment, despair, regret. Sometimes it speaks of necessary grief, the need to see harsh reality for what it is, process, and move on; other times it speaks to dwelling on the negative, fixating on what is broken and spilled and gone rather than that which you still have. Here we see a dark-clad figure staring down at the three ups whose water has spilled on the ground, back to the two cups still standing. Grey pervades the background, giving a melancholic air to the surroundings.

What does this say about my basic personality, temperament and behaviors? Well, it suggests a person who has a melancholic type of approach to life, a person that perhaps struggles with depression and has for a very long time, but also a person who has always, even in childhood, had a tendency to fixate on the negative rather than the positive aspects of a situation, a person who dwells on losses, even of small, petty things, someone who has trouble seeing things, as they themselves at least, with hope; someone who inspects and dissects what went wrong, who does not allow themselves to forget even when they do, mostly, move on.

3. The Moon
Your private side, your inner self, your core [emotional] needs.

The seven of wands shows us a man, armed with a stave and standing in a defensive position, ready to fend off attacks - from who we cannot see, only their staves, rising up towards him, fencing him in. The seven of wands generally signifies struggle, facing and overcoming challenges and opposition, perseverance, valor, fighting on even when things seem hopeless.In this deck, the man stands on the precipice of what looks like it could be a waterfall, bright colors of his clothes contrasting with a dull-colored background. He looks determined. Small sprigs grow out of the staves both he and his opposition hold.

What is this showing of my inner self, my core needs, the private me? We see someone who, though very much not a fan of any sort of conflict (notice how peaceful the mask that temperance presents above is, how uninterested and seemingly unprepared for any such engagements), is nonetheless, when backed against a wall (or the metaphorical precipice of a waterfall), responds with defiance; not anger, necessarily, and not confidence or enthusiasm, but a kind of grim, determined defiance. This is a person who sees themselves as alone in such conflict much of the time, who may not even really care about the outcome, hell, would happily throw themselves down that waterfall, but who will not be pushed, or goaded. This is a person who will not be controlled or made to do anything against their will, and whose sometimes terribly strong desire to give up is balanced by that drive to keep fighting, a person more motivated by defiance, even of oneself, that any kind of ambition or desire.

4. Mercury
How you communicate and think, your intellect and ideas.

Last we have the ace of swords, traditionally signifying  sharp thinking, insight, mental clarity, analysis and reasoning through logic, new and original thoughts and ideas, realizations, objectivity, intellectual impulses. Representing the element of air, we see the sword in this ace grasped by a hand reaching out from within a whirl of clouds; crowned, it stands against a background of long, unbroken blue sky.

How does this describe the ways in which I communicate and/or think, my thoughts and ideas? Someone who thinks deliberately, someone who values and relies and logic, objective and internal, whose judgement and even emotional responses are predicated on logical analysis. This is someone who is capable of great insight, into herself and into others, though insight does not necessarily mean appropriate action in response; someone who loves to think, and who thinks independently, sometimes very unusually; someone who is driven more by intellectual rather than mundane concerns; someone who thinks deeply but also someone who over-thinks habitually, especially when it comes to most forms of communication; and someone who is open to considering other perspectives, to a point, but who, once a decision or a realization is made, is quite capable of cutting off completely certain paths of thoughts and action, rightly or wrongly, and utterly unwilling to reconsider that which has been culled from possibility.

tarot's take on some nerdiness

So recently, some friends have drawn me into the nerdy cliche that is the world of Dungeons and Dragons. Very unsurprisingly, I quite like it. Due to difficulty (different cities, conflicting schedules) of playing in person, I've recently joined a game online. Character building, story telling, writing, lots of fun and silly dice...whats not to love?

The idea of using tarot to help flesh out a fictional character is one that's been floating around my head for a while, and this seems to be a perfect opportunity to do so, using the one I've made for this roleplay game, so.

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Shedding some light on Iara Carnagos, Tiefling Wizard (Mage)

I. Crux of the character's strengths:

Restriction, restraint, interference: the woman in this image is tied up and held still, both by her physical bindings and by constraints of her mind - the self-doubt, or fear, or hopeless resignation.

One does not necessarily think of this card as a source of strength, but if can be. Restraint, restraint. So many things that you could do if you were willing to pick up one of those swords... In the D&D universe, in this edition at least, Tieflings are of a demonic heritage, their ancestors having made some kind of pact with demons. They can make things burns, have tails and variously shaped horns. Many are known for being all kinds of destructive and evil.

This character of mine...she had a twin brother once, who chose to go down that path. She did not, and ended up killing him in what was mostly self-defense...a pivotal moment for her. She is chaotic, random, capricious, but she is not evil - there is a line she will not let herself cross, though she could; there are actions she simply will not take, even when refusing puts her in a quite difficult situation. She will even, on the rare occasion, actively refuse to let someone else do so.

In the everyday too...she puts up the facade of being impatient and impulsive, and do some degree that may be true, but...anything of real importance, she does consider, weigh, wait if she must. Restraint, restriction, a much bigger part of how she interacts with the world than most would realize, than she would like anyone to know and...a vital part of what could be called her better nature.

II. Crux of the character's weaknesses:

The juggler hops around, foot to foot, two coins to balance, two boats on two waves to choose between - always moving, juggling, flitting about.

The character too. Class-wise, she is a mage that focuses on both pyromancy and illusion, both blasting attacks and controlling/debuffing powers. A focus on purely one of the other could potentially be more powerful, but how could she commit herself like that?

Otherwise too - she flits from group to group, short relationship to one even shorter, job to job, town to town. Tries this and that, grows bored, moves onto something else. Worked mercenary jobs involving use of knives even though that does nothing to advance her primary abilities. Studied under several wizards even though these kinds of arrangements are not ideal - some wizards only acquiescing to idea of temporary apprentice for cold hard cash.

This lack of commitment, lack of focus and attention, in so many aspects of her life...certainly it is limiting, in many ways.

III. The character's fears:

The queen sits comfortably in her domain, with her wand, her flower, her cat. She is self-possessed and confident in her place. What could one fear here?

Iara does not have or want any of these things. She has not stayed in one place for any significant amount of time since she was sixteen. She does not keep pets, or gardens, does not care for fancy robes and does not hold onto many possessions at all - in fact, one could almost call her an ascetic in the latter regard. Keep few things you do not need, be willing to let those go and start anew too, if you must.

Her friendships and flings do not last more than a few months or weeks, nor do her working partnerships and teams. And why is that?

Fear of that kind of domestication, of a place where you feel safe and things that comfort you and people you trust and feel close to. The more you have the more of a shock it is when the world starts to spin and shake and everything starts falling apart around you. The more you have, the more there is that you cannot control. If you have nothing, just your physical body, your skills, your knowledge and magic...there is so much less that can be taken from you, so much less of a chance to feel helpless.

IV. The character's hopes:

The Hanged Man rest upside down, in some ways resembling a butterfly in its cocoon, waiting in stasis as it develops and transforms. In other ways he can be seen as a mirror of Odin, hanging in sacrifice, losing something to gain more. Perhaps a useless sacrifice, needless waiting around when movement is needed.

This character certainly hopes that all of her work will be a worthwhile sacrifice, that all the hours studying and reading dusty tomes, and all the times and gold she spent with her various masters will pay off.

She hates reading, only went to school as long as she did because her twin hated it even more and quit it - she wanted to show that she had more self-control, or something. She never reads but for the magic books, for what other way is there of learning, always learning and it is just a task sometimes, flipping through so many pages as her mind wonders, another job or adventure tempts... there were other paths to magic, ones that would have been easier for someone of her temperament but she chose this one and yes, she hopes it will be worthwhile, utterly so.

IV. Crux of the character, a snapshot:

The man in the eight works, creates, engraves and molds with care for his work, though it may not be easy at times, is his craft, and his love, and his calling.

Perhaps a compulsive wanderer, perhaps not the biggest fan of the book learning to which she is obliged, perhaps a lot of things but what it comes down to: love of this lifestyle. Love of uncertainty and risk, love of seeing new places to explore, new people to work with or fuck or taunt, without the 'burden' of knowing you might know them long enough to get attached. Love of adventure and jobs and quests.

Most of all, though, the love of magic. Wonder - she can still remember the day as I child, when she first saw magic being done. Her and her brother both, a rare moment of utter unison. Pure, sheer, stunned wonder because what could be more beautiful, more awesome, than magic? She knew from her first glimpse at it that magic is what she wanted to do, her calling as it were, and though attention to it may have wavered, that certainty never did. For all that may change and all the tedious work learning might involve, nothing can touch the feeling of pure inner joy she gets when she summons a fireball, makes something change color, uses a trick to get someone to say yes where otherwise the answer would certainly be a no.

tarot with a bit of... Science!

So while browsing around the internet in search of a bit of a different kind of spread to try out, I came across The Newton Spread on Raven's Tarot Site. I'm not really familiar with the website as a whole, but this spread is the kind of thing that tends to strike my fancy - bit of a different perspective on things, combining tarot with an entirely different field, etc.

I admit physics has never been my thing (I passed that class in high school by the skin of my teeth) but I figured it would be interesting to do an abbreviated version of the spread. Rather than pulling cards for all three of the Newtonian Laws of Motion, I decided to focus on just the first:

"Newton's first law of motion (also known as the law of inertia) states that any object in a state of rest or of uniform linear motion tends to remain in such a state unless acted upon by an external force.

Card 1 is your inertia, the potential inside you that won't act up or get effective without another force or impulse that will bring it into activity.
Card 2 is that other force or impulse that will bring the existing power inside of you into action."

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 1. 
What then, within me,  is in a state of rest, inert until something pushes it forward, gives it momentum? We have here the 9 of Flame Songs, or Wands per regular titles. A colorful image, cluttered with so many objects united by the theme of creativity and self-expression: dance shoes, crafting supplies, paints and musical instruments and pages full of written words. In the center of it all there is something that looks like a cracked egg, the yolk dripping out, connecting all those objects together, the bright orange energy also flowing out in a tornado above it all.

Creative strength, artistic impulses. I've always had them. I used to want to be a writer for a while, as a teen. As a kid art sets were among the most treasured of holiday gifts received. Sometimes I dabble in writing poems. For a while I picked up knitting, then forgot about it again. I used to make collages and graphics on photoshop quite a lot. I go through phases of sketching. I haven't done that in a while, though I do tend to doodle madly, in numerous pen colors, all over what ostensible should be my notes in class; I always have, helps me think and pay attention. When I set my mind to it and found the patience to draw the same thing again and again and again until I got it just right, I managed to design a tattoo which, now that it is on me, I quite love. I once took a ceramics class I quite enjoyed. I go in and out of phases of doing photography. For a while my senior year of college I would destress by drawing/coloring on paper with colored chalk, different entirely and quite fun. Now I impatiently away the silly UPS to actually bring me the watercolor pencils I ordered.

Artistic impulses which come and go, which I rarely stick to for long. I allow my attention to flit this way and that, stop doing things for years at a time. Unimportant, unimportant. How many ideas do I have that are never acted on, ideas that flitter around in my mind until eventually they are forgotten because I do not have the time or the energy. There are more important things to focus on, serious things, things related to trying to eventually procure some kind of gainful employment that is not mind-numbingly dull and deeply dissatisfying... and in that context, these artsy things always seem like distractions, like waste of time, self-indulgent and only ok in limited quantities. Enough to destress, enough to distract when thoughts get too overwhelming but then back to the real things, the real.

So much creative potential that is not activated nearly as much as it could be...

2.

What force or impulse does or could get that creative, artistic side of me moving? Well, the Wheel of Fortune certainly does represent movement, the world and life spinning in cycles, up and down. Here the circle is divided into eight slices, each one showing a different image: success and catastrophe, sadness and joy, the bizarre and the mundane. We find ourselves in a variety of different circumstances at various points of our lives. Perhaps this card is suggesting that certain life phases lend themselves much more naturally to artistic endeavors than others.
At some points, I was taking art classes and doing artistic projects to fulfill academic requirements. Other times I had so much free time on my hands in made sense to experiment with new things. On the other hand, being a student in grad school, studying Arabic, trying to get life in some kind of order and desperately applying to various internships and suchlike...perhaps not the most conducive.

On the other hand, I can also see this as pointing out the fact that life is always topsy-turvy, full of surprises and complications and so many things that must be dealt with. I find time to do other things I consider important in spite of that; hell I find time to do things I know I would be much better of NOT doing - so why not make the time to play around creatively as well? It might not take the same form all the time - perhaps sometimes its more about drawing and other times I have a poem in my head, or a story idea; perhaps right now I have a mad desire to play around with color. Why not? Find time, way, to work on some of those things, to improve my abilities in them. No skill gets better without practice. I can write well, when I try, because I have a hell of a lot of experience in writing. If sometimes I do something artsy and get frustrated because it doesn't come out the way I see it in my head...the only way to get better is to do more of it.

I have, despite my creative inclinations, chosen to try to go down a career path where artistic ability is unnecessary, true. That doesn't mean I should engage in it on my own time, for my own enrichment and pleasure. Perhaps more sometimes than others, perhaps in different ways depending on what is convenient or possible but...something to keep in mind, something to pursue rather than ignore, leave un-moved, for that oh so intangible "later".

Answering a few questions

So I notice that quite a number of my blogger friends have been doing the whole 30 Day Challenge thing. I admit there is no way that I could stick to that all the way through, nor do I find all of the questions interesting. I figured that answering a few in a single post might be a nice little exercise...

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My parents were never super religious, but I spent a fair amount of my childhood in [catholic] church. I always had found the masses incredibly boring and never listened. At around age 12 or so I realized I did not agree with and could not believe in anything the priest was saying, so I went to my local library and started looking into other religions. Wicca was the only one that really intruiged, so I studied/'practiced' it for a couple years before realizing atheism was the path for me.

Anyway, some of the Wicca books discussed tarot cards, which intrigued me. I bought my first deck ten years ago at a local Barnes and Noble at the age of 14 - the Universal Waite deck, specifically. I disliked the art from the very beginning, but it was apparently the 'proper' deck to learn on and so learn on it I did. I consulted lwb and a book titled 'Tarot for Beginners' or something similar. I had a couple periods of totally forgetting about the deck, going back to it, etc. It wasn't until a few years later when I was in high school that I got my second deck, carefully chosen based on aesthetic appeal - the Gilded tarot. I remember opening it with such excitement on the ferry ride home and almost losing one of the King cards...eventually I gave both decks away. :0

The first spread I learned was the Celtic Cross. I found it overly long, complicated, often confusing and just unnatural. In fact, it wasn't until I totally stopped using it that I found my reading improve significantly, and my interest in and attention to the cards became more stable. I've never gone back to it since. I know its 'tried and true' and all that but really just is not the reading method for me. I am generally averse to spreads that are more than five or six cards unless there is something really interesting/intriguing about them and...this is none of those things for me, at all.

In general I don't have a favorite spread. Other than structured reading exchanges on forums and times where I deliberately choose to use a spread because it looks interesting/really relevant/I just want to experiment, I tend to play it fast and loose with spreads. Make one up on the spot that seems appropriate, or not use one at all. Sometimes just pulling cards I find that they organize themselves into 'spreads' for me...not all decks are like this, but for example with the Thoth...it almost seems an insult to the deck to force it into a spread when it is so obviously able to do that itself...

I sometimes use reversals, though much less than I used to. It mostly depends on the deck. In general, meaty/complex/unusual decks tends to mean no reversals, whereas 'simple' RWS variations tend to be better for using them.

I prefer reading for myself than for others generally, especially offline... mostly because I feel not so confident in my 'people skills' as they relate to tarot, and because I know my verbal communication skills are and always have been noticeably inferior to my writing skills so that...even when I KNOW what the cards are saying, getting that phrased right, on the spot, can be tricky indeed.

I know some people say they cannot read for themselves, but in my case it has always been MUCH easier to read for me than for anyone else. After all, I know all the details of my life and situation and so can make all kinds of analysis and connections to specific things, whereas for other people it is...poking and guessing and talking in a kind of general way and hoping it means something to the other person - it feels like grasping in the dark, whereas reading for me is more like picking up a tool and using it to examine things I know of in a new way. Also, reading for free on any kind of scale would be too much of a time suck, whereas reading for money feels like too much pressure and stress, worry about whether they are getting their 'money's worth' and...yeah. Not for me, at least right now.

Oh, and I have absolutely no 'special' time or place or rituals around my tarot reading. I read/do draws for myself absolutely anywhere - in bed, on the floor, in the car, on the bus, on the train, at a cafe, in the library, in a hallway, really just anywhere. Why not? In my experience it makes absolutely no difference.

When I was in Tunisia I kept doing daily draws for myself when we were on the bus visiting the south of the country. At one point the director of the language school asked me for a reading and I obliged... he spent the rest of the summer calling me 'Deghaza', which means fortune-teller in the Syrian dialect. At one point we went on a field trip to the national TV station and he introduced me to the staff as 'Deghaza', to their amusement. I chatted with several of the employees and none of them ever learned my real name...

Away from Judgement

What does it mean, to be walking away from Judgement in the new year? In the previous part of this exercise I saw walking towards fulfilling potential ideas and dreams...in the Judgement card, I see a couple of ways that kind of momentum can be halted.

Taken most literally - yes, judgement, the internal critic. You have an idea and then you start to question it, question yourself, your abilities, your ability to convey your worth, if any, in applications and such. It's easy, from the perspective of those on the ground, to look up at the shining angels, the golden glow around them, and think: I can never be like that, that good. There are too many things holding me back. Why bother dreaming, trying.

On the other hand, in the sense that this card is often representative of the idea of 'the call' I can see the issue being one in which...you hear it, yes, recognize that you must make a decision, take action; recognize and stop at that - dither, overwhelmed.

Lastly, Judgement can be a card of rebirth, renewal, entering into a new Aeon and starting things all over again from scratch. The idea that change must be radical, all or nothing, go away from the familiar completely...that it is only by throwing out all of the old that you can move forward...this can either lead you to lose far more than you really needed to or, unable to give up so much at once, end up doing nothing at all.

Obstacles yes: self criticism, indecision, all or nothing attitudes. All things that I have been guilty of in the past. Better to walk away from these indeed.

Towards Creative Potential

I decide to take a page from the book of Elendil and some other Deck of the Week folk on AT and do two part new years reading: What I am Walking Toward/What I am Walking Away From. This be the first part, with second tomorrow.

Here we have the page of cups and that seven of pentacles again, the roses. The youth in the page card sits in front of a young woman playing what looks to be some kind of organ instrument. There are elaborately carved pillars behind them, and both are richly, fancily dressed. The youth isn't looking at the musician girl however, but rather longingly glancing back. What is he thinking? Longing for her, or for her abilities, her talent, her creativity? For his own past, lost opportunities, abandoned dreams? The woman plays and focuses solely on the music, her fingers and the keys

The page is about creativity and expression, a dreamer. The woman in the pentacle card too can be seen as having a certain sentimental touch - she appreciates the beauty of the flowers she tends. She works and works to watch them bloom. The page can imagine ways to express his creative potential; the woman in the seven knows how to tend to it, to allow it to grow.

In the new year, I shall try to move towards a synthesis of these. To leverage what I can do, what I can think and write and dream, into something concrete. Like the roses: something to enjoy, and something to ground me.

current strength and weakness

So to start off a new week with a rather more conventional deck than the last, I'd thought I'd do a bit of self-inventory. A short sort of spread, two cards:

What is my greatest Strength right now?

What is my greatest Weakness?

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Again here we have my year card, Justice. As I wrote a week ago or so, I've been making some strides, small though they may be in the grand scheme of things, to bring some more equilibrium and balance to my life. In the last couple of weeks I've gotten a better handle on some more problematic habits of mine; I also feel more caught up on/on top of my school-work than I did earlier this semester. I've been working more actively on trying to build on my to do list system, to get more organized about things in the longer term as well.

The Druidcraft tarot is known for its rather big-footed people, and this card is no exception. Here, the bare feet on stone remind me that I have gotten more grounded, particularly in the daily type of things I need to be doing. The owl reminds me of wisdom I have, experience, the sword of my ability to harness logic and critical thinking to my advantage. Self-reflection and self-awareness. I generally have confidence in my ability to assess things and think of solutions, when I make an effort at being objective. Both with personal and professional/academic issues, I think this objective, balanced logic of mine is a major strength indeed. I trust my judgement, my ability to weight things. I can follow authority when I feel it is worth following and question it when it needs questioning, and I can separate my personal feelings from my objective assessment in both cases (ie., I hate this, but it is the right thing to do; This is great for me, but the fact that you allow it shows your incompetence.)

The second card in this spread reminds me that, despite my awareness of this and the work I've done to try to develop a more pro-active and positive-minded approach to things, I nonetheless still tend to...focus over-much on the negative. I see both positives and negatives, can appreciate the good, the progress, and yet in my mind I tend to minimize the formerand dwell and brood on the latter. This card is especially apt because for me, it often isn't the dramatic kind of sorrow of the five of cups, but rather the kind of listless apathy of this four - I see the bad cups, the defective cups, the problematic empty cups, and I dwell on them. I think about the future and consequences and implications if the problems remain unsolved, but solving them seems so impossible, such a pipe dream. I dwell and do nothing, despair and resign myself and rediscover my apathy and worry some more and withdraw again into nonchalance.

Of course, changing thinking is especially hard. Action however, is less so: you can, deep down inside, believe that you will never get those cups filled up again, but that doesn't mean you have to continue to just lie there on the branch. You can force yourself up, force yourself to pick up those cups and get to walking towards the water. Perhaps you are right, perhaps you will never make it - but you can certainly still try. My weakness is this kind of resigned apathy that tempts me to give up before I've really even started; self-paralysis, inaction. 

anxiety and perspective

So tomorrow, attempting to take a small but important step in the direction of dealing with some major negative things that have been going on both in the long and the short term, and have been feeling rather anxious about it all weekend. Also recognize that some of my attitude towards it is not exactly conducive to it being useful/productive, so decided to do a bit of a spread to try to work through that somewhat.

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I. Where I am now/my situation:

A bit of a tricky one, this Sun card. We see it prominently, the bright orange and yellow light, the energy radiating outwards. An opportunity here, momentum, a powerful kind of potential, very bright. And yet it is not a comforting kind of sunlight, but rather so strong as to seem dangerous, overwhelming. The man in the image looks dark, sun-burned perhaps, something snake-like coiled around him. He gives thanks to the sun, and yet seems...both empowered and subjugated by it. You need the sun to survive and to thrive and yet in some circumstances, it can hurt you. This card makes me think of desert-dwellers, which is a perfect example of that phenomenon. It must be handled with care, this sun. I want this opportunity to work out, but I am rather afraid of those dangerous sparks....

II. How to handle hopes and expectations:

The woman here sits under the glow of a lamp; the light allows her to see clearly what she has despite the darkness that otherwise surrounds her. She holds her coins close, responsible for them, owning up to them, caring for them. By becoming sentimentally attached to these things she risks emotional distress if they were to shatter and break, if she were to lose them. And yet sometimes, we have to keep holding nonetheless. I've a tendency sometimes to distance myself from hopes, expectations. I am doing this because I should but of course I don't expect it to go well and so I will not be invested and if it fails it will be easier to bear. That works out well enough sometimes, but in this particular situation... not the best approach. Better to keep in mind, clearly and close at hand, what I hope to gain from this endeavor, and try to be pro-active in making that happen, insofar as I can.

III. How to handle anxiety and fears:

There is a clear contrast between this card and the proceeding one. Here, rather than a single figure in a single small space, we have not just the world but the universe, stars and planets and space. We have looking outwards, the bigger picture. letting go and letting the Universe do as it may. It's funny and a bit difficult to think of how huge the universe is and how tiny we are in comparison, so many huge forces moving through themillenia, and our lives so short in comparison. There are so many things in life we cannot control. The universe gives us strokes of amazing luck, things clicking into place and manifesting wonderfully, and small, unexpected surprises that make our day; and it gives us tragedies, efforts falling apart, unwanted burdens that we must learn to bear. Maybe this effort will be a stroke of luck and maybe another minor disaster. I can control my attitude and approach,  but not much else. Focusing on worst case scenarios prematurely will change nothing either way.

IV. Advice for adjusting my attitude/approach:

The man in this card has clearly lost something. He is soggy and sad, rain-soaked in his defeat, tired. Defeat perhaps, yes, and yet when we look closer, what has he really lost? He still has is sturdy cloak, and not one but five swords there at his disposal. Has he tried them all, seen whether any would suit is purposes? Five swords. I was give five new numbers to call on Friday; this is only the person behind one of them, that I am to meet with. I see in this card a reminder to keep things in perspective. Even if this does turn out to be a defeat, a failure, it is not the only option I have. I defeat would not be a disaster but rather a minor setback. Pick up the phone again, call a different number, try again. I am not destitute of resources entirely. I have been in the rain long enough to deal with it for a while longer, even if it does feel quite cold and icky in the moment. Perspective: do not make this out to be either bigger or smaller than what it really is.

Combination Reading Experiment I

So having tarot cards and an oracle and the arcana stones AND a lenormand now got me thinking... and when I start thinking, sometimes I come up with some funny ideas. What would happen, for example, if I tried doing a reading that combined ALL of those?

So I decided to do just that. Rather than just read for myself as usual, I offered two experimental readings to members of the Aeclectic Tarot forums in exchange for feedback and permission to re-post them here. This is the first of these, including the feedback.

In this case, my sitter asked:
I would like to know if there is potential for me to move to a job that is better suited to my personality anytime soon.

10 of Sticks  |  Rebellion  |  Letter  |  Malachite/Empress

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We start of the reading with the tarot card, in this case the 10 of sticks. The figure here is clearly struggling to move forward while balancing such a large, heavy burden on his back. No doubt this is one of the many times he has had to pause, re-adjust the sticks, keep going. Nonetheless, he is managing it, even if it is slow progress, and no doubt stressful and unpleasant. He can keep going on just as he has been for a while yet. Is it worth it though, to keep on with this burden? Is all that effort getting him to where he wants to be? A lot of the time, when we are under this kind of pressure, so much of how we handle it is attitude - if you know that you need to do what you are doing to get you to your goals, its easier to maintain morale, whereas when things feel rather pointless/like a dead end...

Yup i can definitely understand this card, work is relentlessly busy due to staffing cuts with loads of non-negotiable deadlines made all the harder because i find the actual job painfully tedious so i can see where attitude might come in lol.

The card that follows indicates the latter may be the case, in your situation. Here we have the card titled Rebellion, representing the energies of Mars in Aquarius. Mars is, of course, the planet of war, fire-energy, assertiveness, even aggression; Aquarius tends to be very independent-minded, one that judges the merits of something according to their own principles and values, and not what anyone else might say. Aquarius doesn't tend to just go along when things don't feel like they are working, don't feel right. Here, in the bottom of the image we see a fort, well-defended, well-established. Going up against it can be a difficult prospect, moreso if you consider the authority and power behind it...and yet there, above it, a youth is doing just that - challenging the stylized, ritualized, static figures of authority, of established things. There is not enough freedom in this work situation for you to be happy - the personality aspect of your question, I take it - and you are ready, deep down, to do something about it. You should, in fact, this card says, do something about it, rebel against that burden you are feeling.

This made me snigger a bit because it sounds soooo like me. I work in a typical bureaucracy where there are established ways of doing things regardless of whether or not it makes sense and i'm forever kicking against it. I also tend to value the differences in people and believe everyone has a right to be themselves without judgement but some of the people i work alongside have very rigid views about how people should think/act etc and can often be incredibly petty. Needless to say i don't particularly conform to their world view which doesn't trouble me though it can get wearing at times and i just can't find it in me to go along with them for an easy life lol !!!

And how? On the other side of this card we have the Letter. This card can represent communication, reaching out, and also physical things - letters, documents, diplomas. In this context, this makes me think of resumes - have you updated it recently, perhaps asked someone knowledgeable to look it over for you? What about cover letters? It can be easier to job search with confidence when you know that your 'paperwork' is up to par, and if you haven't started the process yet, it can be a good first step. If you've been thinking of going back to school or some kind of training/course or such, this card suggests that it might be wise - another certificate/diploma/thing to put down on paper might help you along in your search for better work. Lastly, looking at communication more broadly - have you though about how you might network? Phone calls, emails, social networks - anyone who might know of something more suitable thats hiring or the like? Even if it doesn't pay off right away, it might help you to maintain those links in the future.

Although I have a fairly high level of education already because I'd like to try a completely different path, i have been thinking about looking at further study recently though finances are a sticking point for now. It's a good point about updating the resume which is something i haven't looked at in a long time!

Finally, we have the Malachite stone, representing the Empress, which I think ties up the reading quite well. Following the letter card, I think it gives a nice emphasis to the message there - work on developing your credentials, skills, on nurturing those aspects of yourself that will help you advance in your professional life and help you get to where you want to/would rather be. This can be the paper-work stuff, but can also be about nurturing yourself more broadly - about having and projecting confidence, in feeling surer of yourself when you interview, in believing that you deserve to have a job that isn't so burdensome, that you can succeed in finding one and excelling in it. It also emphasizes, I think, that your feelings of 'rebellion' against your current work situation are appropriate: getting out of it will help you grown, perhaps allow your creative side to develop more as well. If you get any flashes of inspiration - ideas of where to apply, who to try to reach out to, perhaps trying to do something more like starting a business of your own, anything like that - don't be afraid to pursue them and see where it goes.

Interestingly I do want to find something that is more creative and have toyed with ideas on looking at self employment though as yet no idea has firmly taken root but maybe i just need to explore that a bit deeper.

Thank you for the reading, it all made sense and tied in quite well with what's going on around me at the moment and has validated some of the things i've been considering.

You Only Live Once Spread

Ran across this lovely tarot spread by Yineth on the Aeclectic forum and decided it'd be nice to give it a try, especially since there seems to be a lot of...difficult energy in my life right now that I cannot seem to quite get on top of as well as usual.
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Position 1: Y- "You" 
The subject (You) in the situation. A snapshot of your life, a summary of current events, where you see yourself in your life, etc. An overview of what is occurring currently. I've considered this position being allowed to be a "significator" position also. 

The Knight of Cups rides, in this deck, upon some quite turbulent waves. The appearance of chaos here, in many ways: bits and pieces of his armor falling off of him, the cup barely in his grasp, the horse beneath him in constant motion, trying to gain stability by holding onto that black water-spout, a thing so inherently unstable?

And why does he go on, keep trying in such circumstances/? Conviction, emotional conviction that this is worth doing, that this is right, the constant juxtaposition of emotion and logic, air in water, yes no yes no yes. And yet, he isn't without his resources, the stable, loyal horse beneath him which keeps on going, unbothered by the turbulence. And perhaps getting rid of some of that stiff, stern armor has some advantages to make up for the loss of protection?

Quite on point, this. The feeling of too many moving pieces, instability, loss perhaps good, perhaps bad, perhaps both, things falling away, so much effort and focus seemingly needed just to keep minimally on top of things and yet conviction, some semblance of it, keep on going because I am committed to things, must...

Position 2: O- "Only"

The absolute focus/distraction that is deterring any change to occur currently. For example, a workaholic's drive to provide for their family while overlooking everything else that matters.

Velocity, momentum, moving swiftly forward, always toward toward something. The figure is bright orange, full of energy, fire, running with all those lit torches, needing to get them somewhere, accomplish something, the dog nearby, willing to help his master but also expecting this, the chase, the progress.

I have mentioned before, and I do realize it is mostly deliberate, on my part but...this year as a whole, life has been very much rapid, mad movement. Some kind of intense personal things happening, nothing major but enough to throw things off balance, and the rush of so much schoolwork to do, and then mad planning and packing for the trip, and that whole experience - wonderful, amazing, and yet not exactly a quiet time to relax - and then getting back and a mad rush to find somewhere to live, to move, which is followed now by mad schoolwork rush and...

Yes, I don't feel I've really had proper chance to devote much mental focus to dealing with some of the background issues, problems, things that need work and change, and that all piles up with the new, and everything just keeps rolling forward what feels like far too quickly and yet - how can I take a real break when there are all these obligations, external deadlines, always pushing me forward?

Position 3: L- "Live"

How is the above/previous/before subject affecting you now? How will it impact you in the long run?

Discontent, that apathetic kind of dissatisfaction in which you are well aware that things are wrong and yet it seems so much easier to just wallow in it than to DO something to change the situation. Through the metaphor of the poppies, which the rower in the boat seems to be bringing over to the figure in the forefront, who has clearly used them before, the metaphor, if not precisely apt, of using various not-so-great coping mechanisms, forms of escapism, ways to distance yourself from the world around you.

The mood of this card is so...cold. The figure in standing in front of that chilly marsh, not alone in the image, and yet might as well be. Detached, removed from each other...actually, for me personally, this brings to mind a certain kind of intense dissociation I seem to experience when my mood gets low for longer periods of time. I can still function and do things fine, keep up with the motions of that velocity, the movement of the previous cards and yet, that's what it feels like really...apathetic, discontented, disconnected keeping up with the motions.

And the distancing, the decay of friendship that the book mentions around this card...I have a number of friends who are all trying to get in touch with me, make plans for spending time together...and I am having so much trouble motivating myself to sort out my schedule, return their calls, not because I do not want to seem them but because doing so just feels so...overwhelming; they seem so far away, that water between the figures so murky...

Clearly, given the metaphor of the poppies in this card especially, this is a situation that really does have the potentially to continue to decline. Four of cups is always about well, sitting around feeling miserable gets you nowhere at all, nowhere good, long or short term.

Position 4: O- "Once"

What you could/can do to change things or be better made aware of.

What strikes me about this spread as a whole is the theme of friendship, companionship, connection - the knight has his horse, the rapid runner his dog, the miserable figure his misery loves company friend, and these two of course, materially comfortable, still nonetheless rely on and support each other. A message perhaps, for me to continue to challenge my natural instinct to isolate myself when I'm not feeling so great, to try to do everything on myself, to insist on not 'bothering' or 'burdening' others. The exchange - both giving AND receiving help and support - can be hugely beneficial, in all kinds of circumstances.

This card also shows a kind of ascent, the pentacles moving up a path from the earthly to the higher up. Focusing not only the immediate, here and now issues but also on the higher things, mental health, inner work, nurturing creativity and inspiration and all of that.

Affluence comes in many forms, and by only focusing on trying to keep things afloat in one aspect, it undermines the whole, and as a net result I find it harder even to keep up with that one main thing. Making some time for the others in spite of the momentum and pressure I feel to keep moving might be a rather good idea.

I have been thinking that vaguely already actually...doing something for my holistic health...perhaps signing up for some yoga classes or some such to get started. I keep thinking I don't really have the time, it seems like a waste of money, etc but....maybe I should just do it anyway, to help get out of that apathetic rut.

the forest and the trees

It's interesting how well some metaphors translate into spreads of sorts...particularly since card reading is itself, from a certain perspective, essentially the reading of visual metaphors, a shorthand of familiar images and system of associations. Anyway, a draw to try to focus/ground myself for the coming week, with this sort of spread in mind:

The Forest (Big Picture) - The Trees (Details)

I must say, I rather like the little frown of uncertainty or indifference on the figure's face in this Temperance card. There is a spring nearby, carefully constructed, and the angel (love the androgyny of many of the cards in this deck as well!) does the water pouring, water mixing thing. Chemistry, alchemy, synthesis, experimentation.

With a frown on it's face. Because sometimes, taking the path of moderation, finding and maintaining that balance, sticking with the reasonable thing and avoiding those extremes - it can be the hardest of all possible options. It's easy to throw yourself carelessly, recklessly into the most clearly delineated of positions. Dogmatism has a way of taking a grip on one's soul. All or nothing, right? All or nothing, and sticking to doing things simply because you've done them that way for so long...

And so stepping back to evaluate, to say - no, this isn't working, let's tray again...that can be hard. That can be hard to internally motivate yourself to want to do. Moderation as an art requiring patience with yourself, to try again and again with the water pouring, jug to jug, until finally you find a balance, a setting, a way of going about things that is sustainable, that works for you.

It is tempting to just give up, especially with so many things in the short-term to grab the attention, to distract, to let you tell yourself that your lack of progress in these matters doesn't matter. It does, though. Need to keep trying, looking at the bigger picture, trying to find a way, a reason to fix things, to bring things into better balance, equilibrium. 

As for the short term, those immediate details - remember prudence. This card actually quite strongly recalls the Thoth's 8 of disks...the coins are in the same arrangement, and flowers on each coin, and the hint of vines at the top of the card...a time to prudently nurture things, let things develop, take care of the things that need to be taken care of, attend to responsibilities. In this deck, eights are associated with Justice in the majors - again, a message about balance - and with coins dealing with the material realm, the financial, the solid and earthy...

While keeping big picture search for equilibrium in mind, this is the time to attend to ensuring that all the little, immediate, concrete things that must be taken care of are, that all of those are put right, handled in an appropriate manner. Arrange them all in neat rows like these. Don't shy away from doing the work to make that happen.

Channel that virgo influence this card has in the Thoth's system, keep the tree carefully pruned, organize and arrange and procure what you need, keep justice in mind and apply it to all your current worldly concerns, and keep working at it until all is done and settled - interesting how, with pip cards, it becomes so natural to draw on the influences of just about all the different tarot systems in the reading...

Remembering and Forgetting

So, as things start entering into a new phase, new ventures and adventures and major changes, wheels spinning, all of that - decided to take a moment to reflect a bit on the recent past, the last few months. A simple two card spread reading:

What is worth Remembering - What it is best to Forget

I. Remembering...

Seeing this card, I am reminded of just how difficult a few months it has been, in many ways. I try to stay positive here - the cards, after all, are my outlet for gaining perceptive and insight as well as motivation for self-improvement, and so using them to just dwell on the negative is not what I am wont to do - and yet...it has been hard, sometimes. Between being overwhelmed with schoolwork, not having the best time with mental or physical health, frustrated by attempts to rectify either...

There have been times when I really wanted to give up - wanted to say that this was all just more than I could handle, that there was no way I could get through all this without failure, defeat... The woman sits here, curled up, naked, those cold swords in front of her and yet...she looks back. Her eyes aren't buried in her hands, crying in pure despair...even here, she looks for a way out, a way to make the best of her lot, assessing...

And indeed, I have worked and tried, begged for extensions and apologized when needed, foregone sleep, sometimes resorted to not the best or healthiest methods of coping, but carried and and carried on and I have gotten through. Academically, I am confident that my performance will be nowhere near failure. As for other things....yes, ongoing problems and issues I must still work on but...not defeat. As long as you keep trying, keep struggling, force yourself on...you can move past, move beyond, claw your way up through even the most difficult...

It also occurs to me though, looking at this card...well, she had to get to that position somehow, didn't she? Perhaps if she had tried to do things a bit more wisely, she wouldn't have ended up naked in front of those swords. How much of my stress could have been avoided if I had...dunno, taken on less, managed my time better, tried to deal with more of the underlying issues...worth further consideration, but that exactly is the point: what to take away from situations like not is not only wisdom about DEALING with them, but also some consideration about how to PREVENT/MITIGATE them before they get to more distressing levels...

II. Forgetting...

It's interesting how, in contrast to the woman in the previous card, this one - with the same hair, same coloring - is fully clothed. And so properly clothed, at that - stiff and formal. Putting on appearances much? Pride?

She looks forward - at first it seems she is very focused, but looking more closely...appearances again. Perhaps in fact she isn't 'there' at all. Look at the body language: day-dreaming, stuck inside her own world, her own head. Too many things going on.  Too many distractions. Too many options and possibilities and cups, floating around her. Too many thoughts and too many things to do.

This card is indolence in the Thoth and turning away, moving somewhere new in RWS...here it's neither of those, quite, and yet a bit of both. Unable to fully be in the moment, a certain kind of disconnect, floating, there but not really engaged, the distraction...

True enough of my experiences really, at times. I can really connect with the idea of...SEEMING to be there, focused, proper and yet really...not 'there' at all because there just so many things going on... The less useful aspect of the same circumstances described in the previous cards. Dwelling on those distracting things, non-proactively, will only distract further. Best leave them behind. The whole mindfulness concept: really be in the moment of the moment you are in.

Inconsequential little reading

So I realize I don't actually post proper 'readings' here all that often...decided to type up a small one I just did for myself about a rather a rather inconsequential (in the grand scheme of things) question:

"Should I just go ahead and purchase that eReader I've been considering, now?"

Using a simple Why Yes | Why No | Answer/Advice Spread:

Why Yes

I have, as of late, become a bit infatuated with the idea of getting an eReader. For YEARS I was very resistant, because I really LIKE paper books. But recently I realized that hey, I already have a bunch of eBooks that I read on PC Kindle program anyway, some for school and some books that were cheap on amazon, seemed kind of interesting, but not enough so to get in paper form, and yeah. These days, eReaders have become inexpensive, and getting one does not actually mean I have to give up getting paper books. What it does mean is that when I travel, I can bring one or two paper books with me, and another 4, 5, 6 or so on my eReader, and thus have plenty of options with less of a physical burden. So yes, I've been seeing more of a "partnership" for me with an eReader, and because I tend to get obsessive researchy when I know I want something, been spending/wasting too much time reading up on options, deciding what I'd like, reading up on THAT some more, putting the one I want in and out of my Amazon cart, etc. The fact that my parents were nice enough to give me some money when I visited them for Easter makes it even more tempting....

Why No

This actually perfectly sums up my hesitation. See, any way you look at it, this device is not something I NEED. And, other than my two money-wasting indulgences of tarot card decks and Starbucks, I actually have a bit of a problem convincing myself to make purchases, especially larger ones, that I cannot justify with necessity. I've gone this long without one, why spend the money when I can go on doing without? What if I don't end up using it as much as I think I will? My financial situation isn't exactly stellar - I should be more conservative here.

I'm also a bit concerned that if I go ahead and order it NOW, it might interfere with/distract me from things I need to get done for school in the next few weeks. There is, in fact, several ways that it could help - books for one of my classes that I have in ebook form, plus some research for my presentations/papers that might end up being easier to procure in that form also -  but there is also the chance that I might not have the self control to dive into pleasure reading at a time when I really need to focus on academic reading/research...

Answer/Advice
(with clarifier)

Ok, so what I'm pretty sure this is telling me is that I am essentially turning this fairly small issue into that great ol' trap of OVERTHINKING. I tend to do this a lot, cause myself all kinds of grief and stress by thinking and thinking about things that really don't necessitate all that much thought. I do feel trapped in that....until I decide one way or the other - yes, I'm getting the damned thing, or no, I am going to refrain - the possibility keeps coming to mind. I keep considering it, going back to those websites, going over the same pro and con list over and over again as if weighing those for the fifth time is going to lead to some kind of magical epiphany...

Like the lady in that card, I am keeping myself stuck in a situation that really doesn't need to be a trap at all. Make a choice, use one of those EIGHT swords to cut off the binding, and be on your merry way, already. The world is not going to end, and I am not going to be either miserable or bankrupt, regardless of which option I go with.

That said, the clarifier, the 9 of cups, seems to suggest I go for it. As long as I don't overdo it, as long as I keep the Temperance card in mind and don't go on FANTASY BOOK BINGE when I know I have serious things to get done, what's the harm? My parents gave me some money because they were feeling generous and wanted me to get or do something to enjoy myself. These devices are HARDLY super expensive these days (I've er, spent more on one or two of the decks in my collection >.>) and it will bring some small increase of pleasure to my life. What's the point of living, really, if you deny yourself so many things that might make you happier, even if they are in fact, not strictly necessary? Both extremes of rampant materialism and severe asceticism are less than ideal. Buying the most expensive model of every shiny new thing that comes out? Not the best way to go, no doubt. Taking advantage of the fact that you are fortunate enough to be in a position to allow yourself some small luxury? Pretty sure that's okay :]

Tarot Math: a day for virtuous swiftness

So, with my Marrakech still in the midst of my edge-gilting experiments, another day for the Thoth.
Decided that I'd like to try out one of the tarot math spreads from Tarot Dame's blog - I do like doing interesting/unusual excercises with the cards, so I think I'll be working my way through those slowly. For today, the simple addition spread:

 8 of Wands + 3 of Wands = Ace of Wands

So essentially: virtous, motivated, positive thinking combined with swift, energetic action will lead to the success of new ventures.

Actually, this makes a lot of sense to me, and was actually quite motivational to see this morning when, soon after waking up, I drew these cards. Swiftness - extending energy outwards in all directions, a prism of light; connecting what I want to reality and making it happen, getting my mind on board and just...get myself moving! And the virtue card...with an orange background, like the dawn, watching the sun break through the darkness of night and a new day, new possibility, new ideas and plans to get done (I did not in fact wake up early enough to see the dawn today, though, ha). Potential here, ambition and plans to realize. And of course, the right attitude is everything: if you tell yourself you can't do it, of course you won't be able to and all that.

Bring those things together, and yes, the Ace, success, accomplishment, new things started: that idealized dream of productivity that I am so enamoured with. Today is the day to actually get things DONE.

Motivational this is, yes. There is, as usual, quite a few things for me to do. I've been having a really hard time getting through more than just the bare minimum lately, largely due to mood and mental things and whatnot. That's not changed, really but...this reading helps remind me of something from my self help book: sometimes it isn't about waiting around until you 'feel better'. Sometimes it is about doing things anyway, because the very fact that you've gotten them done can help, at least somewhat. And if it doesn't? At least you got stuff out of the way.

So yes, there are some more minor errands I'd really like to actually do...my long-suffering money tree Shamil really needs re-potting and I need to go to the hardware store to get soil for that; grocery shopping, try to get food I could actually eat; bills to pay, emails to respond to, schoolwork to work on, etc. Also though, there are some longer term things, school related, personal related, etc., that I have been having trouble getting motivated even just to get started on. There are some concrete steps I could take, small ones, but you have to start somewhere right? Today is the day to try to do that, methinks.

Finding Balance Spread

So, to continue on with my year-word theme of equilibrium, I decided to do this simple little spread. The point of a scale is to weight things, to make sure they are in balance - hence its use to represent idealized justice. So in this spread, I ask:

What influences weigh too heavily in my life right now? 

What influences weigh too lightly?

Again, in the actual spread both came up as reversals, so keeping that in mind in terms of my interpretation but posting regularly because, well.

Lovers of this deck shows up again here, this time to reflect on what's too much of an influence in my life...reversal here makes a lot of sense. See, indecisiveness is ME. Oh gosh, is it me. My Cancerian nature I suppose, has a lot to do with it. But there's a difference, between 'I cannot decide which bottle of ketchup to buy at the store' and 'I cannot decide if I want to try to do something amazing or if I even want to be alive' and the latter, the latter is the crux of many of my life issues, right now. I just so terribly cannot decide which direction to go in. I cannot figure out what I want, how much I really love the things I love. The veiled girl and the traditional girl and I, like the man, stand between my choices but I cannot choose, I go back and forth, probably doing injustice to both because I CANNOT CHOOSE WHAT TO COMMIT TO. Even KNOWING that one of the options is just terrible, in the case of one particular issue...I still cannot choose to let it go, and the indecision gnaws away at me. What do I love? What do I really want? The question looms largely. Too largely, it seems.

As for what weighs too lightly? Well here we have the knight of fire, the wands suit of this deck. Like you might expect, this knight is rearing and ready to go. As is his horse. His sword is out, he is suited up, he is ready to take action, to take on difficult things, to take on the world. He is confident in himself, his abilities, and he has energy and motivation and drive and he actually DOES THINGS, not just THINKS about doing them. This knight has ambitions and goals to keep him focused. That, I think, is what I need more of, according to this card. Something to keep me driven, and some self-confidence, more willingness to take pro-active action, to go out there and get things done even when doing them is hard. Maybe I need to find some assistance, my proverbial sword and horse to help me take on the world and get things done. Energy, though, especially, and forward momentum.

Desire/ Defy/ Escape Spread

I saw this spread somewhere online a while ago...might have been Tarot Dame's blog...anyway, I liked it, so saved and decided to give it a go.

All three cards came up Reversed in the reading. That being that, reading them as reversed but posting here right side up for ease of viewing purposes...

Desire

Reversed Devil? Why yes, quite very appropriate here indeed. Terribly appropriate, actually.

I can't/don't want to get into why, here. Let us just say that it is a very much a 'Devil' type problem, one that I've had for a very long time, that just gets worse and worse and sucks in more and more of me and yet I never really do want to stop, do something about it; at least, not enough to make it happen. Things have been particularly bad in that front lately and as I commented on marina's blog a couple days ago...the metaphor of the tower that needs to be knocked down, but that you don't quite have it in you to do the demolition...has been on my mind.

Other things along the same lines ongoing issues too. A couple of people I don't really want in my life anymore and don't really know how to put an end to those relationships definitevly. Problems with roommate making me feel trapped and uncomfortable at home and trying my best to make that better and yet it...isn't, so far at least.

I just feel very trapped and very sick of so many things. Keep wishing I could just...run away. Be free. Unchain myself and not be here, like this, me...

Defy

Also quite appropriate to my situation right now. See, whenever I am having a particularly bad time...I really just want to withdraw. Isolate myself from everything. I guess it's the Cancer in me - shell, yes, crawl into shell.

I can't, though, not really. I have classes I need to go to, and once I'm there I have to talk and participate because well, grades are affected by participation and so is learning more generally and for the amount of money these classes cost...I better be making the most I can out of it. And I have work, and all the small talk that goes with that.

And really, even in personal life...I am trying, still, somewhat. The once or twice phone call or parents, occasionally actually calling back a friend, and online especially, posting and commenting...trying not to be so hermit-like. I could really be doing more in this direction though, and I know it. Have been letting myself slip back into that isolate isolate mode, which isn't great for many on any level, and I think that this card is trying to point that out.

Reach out. Try harder to connect. You don't have to handle everything alone all the time. Really.

Escape

Ha. Like I said...kind of have been overwhelmed with the desire to escape from...everything. Anything. The world as I know it, as I have constructed it around myself. The way that everything can narrow in around you to a small handful of issues that you can barely see beyond and those increasingly just become...so tiresome, too much.

Also, I suppose, reversed World is apt in that...this pervasive feeling that no matter how hard I try, or what I do, I'll never really achieve much, accomplish anything, go anywhere, do anything. That there will never really be the kind of self-fulfillment that I am looking for. No nice happy ending. That everything is essentially pointless. I think this is really, on a deeper level, why I lack the motivation to really do what I need to do to free myself of all those devil things...

By the same token, I think this card is saying that this kind of thinking is exactly what I need to 'escape'. If failure is inevitable and everything has no meaning then why bother freeing myself of those chains or engaging with people/world around me, right? But of course, you can never achieve if all you think about is negativity, the world upside-down...self-fulfilling prophecies and all that.

Want to escape from the tangible world around me. Need to escape from the faulty constructs of world i create for myself in my head.