hermit's world and strife

The Hermit here, dressed in jester clothes, walks alone as a hermit is wont to do. However, the path she walks on is a peculiar one - pink and peach and violet colored. There are gears, visible and embossed around her, and the passageway to what looks like a door in a much more ordinary world. Alone, perhaps sitting behind that door at home... but really she is somewhere else completely, the inner world of vivid color and inspiration. This is a place where one can only go alone.

The five of wands features two figures, noticeably less human than the Hermit with their black skin, antennas and tails. Given the switch of elements in the disks and wands suits, I debated how to compare these to the Thoth minors...despite the element switch, I think sticking to original Thoth suits makes more sense. Strife I can see in this card, Worry not so much. So Strife then - not so much against others, the way the RWS tends to present this card, but rather against circumstances, environment, luck - things that you cannot necessarily influence or control, but with which you must struggle and deal with nonetheless. The creatures tries to eek out his living tilling the soil, in spite of the angry volcano, the cracking apart of the earth. The stick above his head, something taunting him, the feeling of something always getting in the way, another obstacle or annoyance to face no matter how much you try to think positive, do the right thing...

Hermit, turn inwards for inspiration and productivity even when the world, your circumstances provide you with yet more strife to deal with. So it goes. Last weekend I had ten cavities drilled and filled, without anesthetic. That was not fun, though hardly a new experience for me. Much more annoying is the pain in what seems like all the back teeth in my mouth that started two days later, that radiates into near-unbearable headaches if I don't take ibuprofen constantly. Last night I forgot and tried to eat hot soup and almost cried because my teeth all hurt so much. My mother says its the nerves reacting, that she's had this too, that it will go away eventually and to just use sensitive toothpaste and wait and it could be up to two months...

And so and pain and so. Do feel Hermit like today, not going to a meetup I had planned to attend because I don't feel up to dealing with people. But doing reading, working on ideas for the Arabic blog, trying to get some errands done...gears and cogs spin on.

learning journeys

Trying to get back into the swing of things with properly posting here, working with more of my decks, etc. The Crystal (Vetro) Tarot is one that I've had for a while, and love artistically, but have not really worked all that much with. I think it's high time it got some attention...

We have here, in this subject-less draw (I do want to get back to doing more spreads/exercises...) the six of swords and the Hermit. I must say, spending some time working with both RWS and Thoth traditions really does enrich the reading experience as a whole. The six of swords, which can be about journeys, movement on to better things, new experience; and also about science, logic, discovery, mental and intellectual expeditions. We have waves in this picture, behind the swords, and something that at first looked a bit like a boat but upon closer inspection seems to be a crab or lobster of some sort. The moon is there too, in the sky - actually, beyond the sword arrangement the card as a whole seems to have a bit of an unusual resemblance to the Moon major. What to make of that? Stepping into the unknown, the unclear, the obscure...being willing to venture for not just into new things, but things that are so unfamiliar as to be a bit frightening...

And next to it we see the hermit, who himself tends to go off, on journeys not unlike those in the six of swords card. He goes off alone to ponder, to think and to see, to gain wisdom without distraction. He withdraws into himself, but this is not stagnant introspection - he is not the Hanged Man, sacrificing his body for knowledge. No, on the contrary - he frees himself from the binding of society so as to walk his own path. He relies on himself - his stick to steady him, his light to guide the way. The sky is so rich behind him, dusky orange, beautiful.

We learn most by challenging ourselves with the unfamiliar, by moving forward even when staying put would do, be tolerable. And it is so much easier to make external progress when we can truly say that we know ourselves, are comfortable with our own abilities and strengths.

I've always been one for movement and doing, but often, to be honest, it has been driven largely by the need to get away, start over, lose myself in unfamiliarity so as not to think of things far too tiresomely constant. In some ways, now, I feel like things are beginning to be more about moving forward for the sake of it - because I love learning, love the new, want to experience beauty, things that thus far I've only managed to see in pictures, reflections, always distant...

And as, over the last few years, I've been training myself to communicate, to engage with the world and with people...I realize that in many ways, the years I spent mostly withdrawn, largely alone, internalizing everything, reading and reading, doing my own somewhat unusual thing...there is value in that. I find in conversations with friends that I tend to be...a good bit more self-aware. An understanding of how my mind works and how to work around that efficiently, a well-developed worldview, empathy and perspective and a certain logic to apply broadly.

Forward forward, then - metaphorically, physically, creatively. 

Contemplating the Hermit...

I decided to do a slightly more focused draw today - asking the deck for a card with a message I need to ponder, contemplate, focus on right now.

The Hermit came up, and that strikes me as rather appropriate, all things considered. We have a rather straightforward image here, the robed old man with a lantern and a cane, moving forward, lighting his own way. His robe is golden, illuminated by the lamp it seems, which is a nice touch, and the shape of the cane brings to mind a serpent image, association with Hermits in more detailed decks - Thoth especially comes to mind for me.

The Hermit is fine, comfortable with being alone, with making his own illumination:, self-learning, self-wisdom, self-guidance. Sometimes we need that space, wrapped up in ourselves, in our own cloaks and robes and personal bubble, using our own tools and resources.

Appropriate this is, because I have been feeling a bit odd in recent days about the fact that I have been kind of isolating myself from others in my language school. On the one hand, I mostly feel comfortable with this, getting things done on my own time, seeing to my personal priorities. On the other hand, I feel like by avoiding people I am somehow depriving myself of opportunities I should be taking advantage of. I do have a tendency to over-isolate myself sometimes, and I am aware of that - aware of the need to get out of comfort zone and be social, the fact that sometimes that really turns out for the best. How to balance the push and pull?

The thing is, a lot of my self-isolation in this case is due to differing priorities. By and large, the others here are a few years younger than me...not a huge age difference, but in a way it does feel significant. Different priorities. For me, learning as much Arabic as I can is very, very important. I try to use any free time - on the train, waiting around for something - to study and review, because free time is precious. I try to listen to radio and watch Arabic news clips and just expose myself as much as I can. Coming from this kind of place, the prospect of sitting around with casual friends and acquaintances, not really doing much, not really talking about anything in particular is just...not very appealing, much of the time. So perhaps, in this context, being a bit of a Hermit is only natural, and useful for my purposes.

I decided to also pull a pair of cards from my Oracle of the Radiant Sun deck to add some nuance/shading to this reading. The two that come up...Principle and Discovery. The Sagittarius influence across both strikes me: that positive, optimistic, active drive forward, the energy and push which kind of characterizes how I feel about striving to learn all that I can. Principle, about staying true to what is important to me, about building on those internal foundations to achieve what I want. And Discovery...the fact that just being here is amazing to me, an adventure. The littlest things here fill me with joy...overhearing two women chatting and understanding a bit, walking past the Presidential palace on the way home from school, the edifying experience of struggling to be understood by a store clerk, experimenting with making my own vegan version of local foods for dinner.

I shouldn't isolate myself constantly, of course, but keeping to myself more is not necessarily a bad thing, if I am doing so for the right reasons, if I am making sure to pursue what is important to me in my own way. The important thing is to act in a way that will ensure that, when I look back on this experience, I will be satisfied with the way I took advantage of everything.

an inner strength, alone day

So as much as I do love my Sun and Moon, the fact that I've pretty much committed to working with the Thoth steadily for the foreseeable future means that I want to mix up my second working deck (if I haven't clearly stated here before, that's my way of doing things these days - two working decks at any given time) at decent intervals. Before putting away this one, decided to do one more day draw...pulled these cards this morning but ran out before thinking about them too much. Returning to the reading this evening, I found that they were a quite apt description of my day...

I really like this take on the Strength card, I must say. I like that it is a wolf she is riding (again the Thoth influence, and I've already discussed why I like Thoth idea of riding the beast) rather than the traditional lion, and that it is a wolf howling at the full moon, no less. To me, with the associations that the Moon itself has, this really ties together the idea of compassion and self-compassion and over-coming both inner and outer obstacles, which for me especially often have to do with mental issues and lack of clarity and indecision and whatever else. This deck is a pretty simple/minimalistic one, really, and yet there are the little touches that just really catch my eye - the snake wrapped around her leg, another butterfly...

Anyway, yeah. Today was a free day for me, no work or class, and I used that inner-strength kind of idea to get myself out the apartment and actually doing productive stuff despite not feeling my best, physically or mentally. Didn't manage to call that dentist yet, but I did get myself to the cherry blossoms at the Washington memorial and Tidal Basin and took a bunch of really nice pictures (I might go again tomorrow with a friend, but the weather is supposed to be rainy and today was so sunny, so I figured I might as well take advantage...). I really enjoy photography, and it was also a nice long walk for me as I walked all the way there from my apartment. I also ran some smaller errands I'd needed to run, (including finally getting myself an umbrella!) and then got to the school library to return some overdue books and start catching up on school-work/get started on those MASSIVE papers I have due very soon and just...yeah.

So definitely a day spent alone, hermit-like, contemplating things, seeing things, getting things done, even the whole studying alone thing. But it was nice, and it was a much better use of my time than I've been known to do other days when I have all day unstructured like this, and I got quite a few things on that To-Do List done and...yeah. Strength and Hermit make for a rather good combination, for me. Hermit at his best, as it were. And I really really do connect with the moon-influence in this card specifically...

My Favorite Majors: The Hermit

Well, considering that I am a lifelong introspective introvert and frequent spender of the alone-time, it is perhaps not surprising that I have always felt a connection with the Hermit major, in ways both positive and negative. Have spent a good bit of time pondering the meanings of it over the years of working with tarot. It's another one of those cards that's handled in rather interesting ways in various decks, and so again it took a bit of consideration to settle on exactly which takes on the concept among my decks are ultimately the favorites...

IX. Hermit

Favorite:

What is there not to love in the Victorian Romantic (Russian, in my case) tarot's take on the Hermit? Visually, the image is just so beautiful and lush. I love the composition and use of color. I love the nature setting, the quiet and peaceful feel of the environment. You can almost feel yourself inside of that image, sitting besides the Hermit on those mossy rocks, meditating about something deep and personal as you stare out into that water...it makes me think of spring, of going out and finding new things, of those times when, just as the concept of this card speaks of, you really do need to just get away and be alone for a while. The hermit in the image looks very hermit-like too, old and wise and well traveled. Love that he's still holding the hour glass lantern and his...well, honestly I'm not sure if that is his walking stick, but it could be and it looks apt. Actually I even quite like that he is sitting down in this image. So often decks have him walking, yet sometimes what you really need is to just sit down and THINK, unmoving for however long...  I could go on and on, ha. This card REALLY draws me in, strikes a cord. And so pretty...

Runner Up:
Like so many other cards in the Sun and Moon deck, the Hermit is a pretty simple, minimalistic take on the image that I really enjoy - straight to the point, the heart of things. I quite like that he is standing in front of what appears to be a sandstone wall with an Om symbol and what looks like a bunch of other sanskrit writing. It really gives a sense of timelessness to the card, a reminder that the kind of wisdom we seek in this card is the same kind of wisdom people have sought for millenia, and that there is so much knowledge from so many different ages and traditions and cultures that we can draw on if we take the time. Speaking of which, I also really dig the Hermit figure himself...brown skinned, white hair in long dreads, clothing you can't quite place with any one culture...I love how multicultural and inclusive this deck is and how natural and un-forced that feels. The deck's facelessness really works for me with this card too.

Meeting Tarot of the Master...

So for reasons that do not have to do with aesthetic appeal or readability (i like it fine on both counts) I'm just not feeling working with the Fey right now. Maybe it has to do with it feeling too 'light' compared to the Thoth that has so enchanted me. Perhaps it's just more whimsical than I'm feeling right now. Dunno, but going to put it away and give in another shot at some point in the future and see how I feel about it then.

For now, I've decided that alongside dear Thoth I'm going to try working with my trimmed LoS Tarot of the Master. A bit of a challenge, this will be. Going to work with it purely intuitively, since I've gotten rid of the keyword borders and so don't believe in those nonsense LWBs...

These cards are an interesting pair to draw up tonight. I see myself a lot in this hermit right now, seeing as I am in exactly this position, alone in my little corner of the world surrounded by books, papers, trying to get work accomplished, something I must do. The youth in the two of wands holds two staffs, which reminds me of both choices and opportunities, the idea of opportunity cost in economics: for everything you choose to do, time you invest, effort, there is something else you could be doing with those resources that you are giving up. Sometimes you can gain most by being the hermit, alone with his books and lantern, and other times you need to step away from that hermit role, reach out to other people, get up and explore the world.

Sometimes you need to be the Hermit, but your mind keeps thinking of other things it could be doing. Distraction, distraction, so easy in this age of multi-tasking, a zillion tabs and windows open in front of us on the computer screen: sometimes we can have it all, but sometimes not. Which path, which doorway will we choose to invest ourselves in this time? Sometimes the path of the Hermit requires so much of us, and seems so hard: wouldn't it be easier to just call it quits? To say I give, I give, this path of study was more than I could handle, enough for now? But of course, the path that is most difficult is often the most rewarding as well - the torches of victory for those who stick to it; doors to better things, perhaps. And recognition, no? The deck creator's name on the plaque behind the boy - who will recognize the Hermit's efforts? Who will pat him on the back? How much of what we do is about appearances - wanting to be seen as competent, or not wanting to be seen as the person who failed, gave up?

Always with the choices, the options, the distractions, the pull of this and that. In an ideal world perhaps the Hermit could just be the Hermit, alone with a book in nature, learning only for the sake of learning, reading for the love of knowledge and the written word. And an aspect of that is still there, always, but also more - consequences and possibilities circling around, always, doors swinging open and shut.

reflecting on the week: how to approach a maze

So I decided to do a quick little draw with the question/theme of something for me to reflect on about this past week...

So yeah, Hermit and 3 of swords here. The young fey man, blue-skinned and sad, stands alone in the water, the turbulent waves, the red-tinged and dark cloudy sky. Wind, cold wind it looks like, blows at him, his wings and his hair. It looks pretty uncomfortable there actually, the cold air and water, but the man looks too distressed to really care. That bright red sword, pointing downwards on his chest; something weighing so heavily on his mind that physical discomfort seems utterly irrelevant.

The lonely quality to the card. And of course that's only emphasized by the Hermit next to him. The Hermit, making his way along in the stairwell maze that looks like something out of Alice in Wonderland. He has a torch to illuminate his wave, awareness of his situation, maybe even a pretty good idea of where he is going, and yet....just LOOK at the crazy way those stairwells wind and twist about. How is he supposed to know which stair to take, and when, and for how long? He looks pretty damned confused, this Hermit, and who wouldn't be, trying to navigate through something like that alone? Of course, sometimes a journey like that through the maze can be quite enjoyable, wondering about any which way, seeing interesting things for their own sake. But sometimes, when you really need to get TO or AWAY from something, it's just damned frustrating.

These images do speak quite well to my week. See, love as I do to write and tl;dr all over the internet about whatever, when it comes to my most serious issues I tend to be rather private, secretive. Do not speak of them by name; do not speak of them much if at all even to most close friends. So as a result, I do spend more time than you might think with the blind stumbling about, struggling with things while public laughing smile fine fine. More specifically to the last week, though....well I spent the first half of it dealing with what was a rather frustrating finalized break with  a former therapist...and she refused to refer me to someone new....and when I decided to be proactive and responsible and find someone for myself...no one seems around/available until mid March, and so. These cards kind of describe how I feel about the situation quite aptly: frustration and demoralization because here I am, actually TRYING to make some kind of real effort, and with regards to one particular issue, more of a concrete effort than I have in YEARS and in terms of 'qualified'/'professional' support...it's just not there. And hell if the whole situation doesn't feel just like that impossibly complicated maze sometimes.

But the lesson here, I think is that...well if you let yourself feel so sad and aggrieved and demoralized as that blue fey...of course trying to navigate through that maze, even if you can scrounge up the energy, is going to be a torture. If you keep thinking about whatever it is that made you feel like that 3 of Swords, keep turning it over in your mind, keep bothering yourself with how little concrete progress you are making...it's going to be very lame maze-exploring times indeed. It doesn't have to be though. The whole idea of enjoying the journey. Even if the situation you are trying to get away from is kind of objectively serious/desperate...if your only option at the moment IS confused stumbling, and there is nothing, at the current period of time, that you can do to change that...then let yourself confused stumble. Enjoy the wonder, the little interesting tidbits you can pick up and see in that maze. Let go of the negative and make the best of the situation. See and learn what you can. Do the best that you can. Mindfulness, make the best of the current moment, being fully aware of yourself in the current moment. You might find, when the right time comes to reassess and make some more changes, that you've actually stumbled a bit further in the right direction than you might of expected....

and there are those times...

For the days when that "defiance" just doesn't happen. The days when, willfully or not, you self-indulgently retreat. Back turned to the world, eyes shut, body curled into itself: that isn't happening, nothing is happening, the world is going on, chugging away as always with busy busy and time ticking and hours passing but all of that has nothing to do with you - this dark corner, this little bit of space your only reality for a while.

For the days spent ignoring phone calls and leaving emails unanswered, the do-to-list forever expanding. For the days where not a single verbalized word passes your lips. For the days when leaving your little nook, even for the smallest thing, just seems far too overwhelming.

There's a skull-fish near you - a snack perhaps but no, a snack is never just a snack, always poisoned, always a danger. The little skull-fish, things lost, things intangible, the comfort that isn't really a comfort at all.

And there is you, self-aware despite everything. Eyes never completely covered because even when you are curled into your shadow you cannot help but LOOK, SEE, OBSERVE, ANALYZE AND ANNOTATE AND PONDER. And perhaps, even when you turn your back to the world, a part of you still craves for connection - not your little fish friend but real people. Peering out between darkened claw fingers: is there anyone nearby maybe? Can you trust them? Is it worth it? Could they hear you if you tried?

Behind you the factory goes on, smoke billowing out of stacks, work calling. Voices rumbling. Texts and calls and emails that must be answered eventually and of course your own bones will grow creaky, limbs numb from too long curled in that one position. You will have to do more than this eventually, soon.

Desire/ Defy/ Escape Spread

I saw this spread somewhere online a while ago...might have been Tarot Dame's blog...anyway, I liked it, so saved and decided to give it a go.

All three cards came up Reversed in the reading. That being that, reading them as reversed but posting here right side up for ease of viewing purposes...

Desire

Reversed Devil? Why yes, quite very appropriate here indeed. Terribly appropriate, actually.

I can't/don't want to get into why, here. Let us just say that it is a very much a 'Devil' type problem, one that I've had for a very long time, that just gets worse and worse and sucks in more and more of me and yet I never really do want to stop, do something about it; at least, not enough to make it happen. Things have been particularly bad in that front lately and as I commented on marina's blog a couple days ago...the metaphor of the tower that needs to be knocked down, but that you don't quite have it in you to do the demolition...has been on my mind.

Other things along the same lines ongoing issues too. A couple of people I don't really want in my life anymore and don't really know how to put an end to those relationships definitevly. Problems with roommate making me feel trapped and uncomfortable at home and trying my best to make that better and yet it...isn't, so far at least.

I just feel very trapped and very sick of so many things. Keep wishing I could just...run away. Be free. Unchain myself and not be here, like this, me...

Defy

Also quite appropriate to my situation right now. See, whenever I am having a particularly bad time...I really just want to withdraw. Isolate myself from everything. I guess it's the Cancer in me - shell, yes, crawl into shell.

I can't, though, not really. I have classes I need to go to, and once I'm there I have to talk and participate because well, grades are affected by participation and so is learning more generally and for the amount of money these classes cost...I better be making the most I can out of it. And I have work, and all the small talk that goes with that.

And really, even in personal life...I am trying, still, somewhat. The once or twice phone call or parents, occasionally actually calling back a friend, and online especially, posting and commenting...trying not to be so hermit-like. I could really be doing more in this direction though, and I know it. Have been letting myself slip back into that isolate isolate mode, which isn't great for many on any level, and I think that this card is trying to point that out.

Reach out. Try harder to connect. You don't have to handle everything alone all the time. Really.

Escape

Ha. Like I said...kind of have been overwhelmed with the desire to escape from...everything. Anything. The world as I know it, as I have constructed it around myself. The way that everything can narrow in around you to a small handful of issues that you can barely see beyond and those increasingly just become...so tiresome, too much.

Also, I suppose, reversed World is apt in that...this pervasive feeling that no matter how hard I try, or what I do, I'll never really achieve much, accomplish anything, go anywhere, do anything. That there will never really be the kind of self-fulfillment that I am looking for. No nice happy ending. That everything is essentially pointless. I think this is really, on a deeper level, why I lack the motivation to really do what I need to do to free myself of all those devil things...

By the same token, I think this card is saying that this kind of thinking is exactly what I need to 'escape'. If failure is inevitable and everything has no meaning then why bother freeing myself of those chains or engaging with people/world around me, right? But of course, you can never achieve if all you think about is negativity, the world upside-down...self-fulfilling prophecies and all that.

Want to escape from the tangible world around me. Need to escape from the faulty constructs of world i create for myself in my head.



a door opens, a door closes

I found this absolutely lovely little spread on the aeclectic forum that I totally thought was worth trying out, so.

When One Door Closes Another Door Opens Spread (2) by Glass Owl

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." - Alexander Graham Bell

What Is Behind The Closed Door: This represents what has come before or is out of reach. You keep returning to this closed door but you no longer have the key to open it. It is time for you to move on. I suggest placing the rest of the deck on top of this card so it can not longer be seen and then turn your attention to the next card in the spread.

What Is Beyond The Open Door: This represents possibilities and what is within your reach. This door is not only unlocked but it is wide open. What lies behind this doorway deserves your time and energy. Imagining yourself walking through this open door and embracing what this card is offering you. 

 So, I must say, quite interesting that the Hermit shows up here as the closed door. It makes sense, though. The Hermit is all about going off and doing things alone, people who needs people, and introspection, and really learning and growing a lot and maybe finding some things you need to find but yes, alone being the key word. Solitude.

Being an introvert, I don't think it's all that shocking that uh, yeah I very much have some Hermit like tendencies. I do spend a lot of time alone, and especially when I am really stressed or overwhelmed or unhappy, I tend to isolate myself even more: the bigger the problem, the stronger my feeling of this is something i should keep to myself, deal with myself.

I was also just thinking, recently, about how I really need to update my own perception of my social skills and abilities. See, I didn't really have friends in high school (I was the kid who sat in staircases reading books. constantly.) or the first two years of college, and even though so much has changed in my life since then, a part of me still sees myself as that sixteen year old kid, terribly socially anxious and socially awkward, not knowing how to speak to people, what to say, muddling about. The thing is though - these days, in *most* situations I'm not really like that at all. I can hold conversations with a variety of people, even if I don't really like them or care about what we are talking about. I can be funny. People seem to like me well enough after we socially interact. I HAVE interacted with people, adults, who really do have serious social skill impairments and...while I am not and will never be a social butterfly, I'm really not that bad at all these days. That is, I guess this card is trying to say, an aspect of my identy, The One Who Is Alone, or The One Who Cannot Connect With People, that isn't true and that i should work on letting go of...

And what door should I open instead? Well, the King of Cups is, first of all, a mature man, an adult. This is definitely an aspect of it, learning to navigate the world of "adult social interaction" which is a bit different that 'young adult social interaction' as it were - the cup here is particularly apt. Until about a year or two ago, I didn't drink alcohol at all - didn't have a taste for it, wasn't interested in the whole getting drunk for the hell of getting drunk scene, whatever. But realizing that drinking is SUCH a part of so many adult social interactions and get-togethers in some way, and that it was so much more natural to just figure out something that worked for me rather than the whole 'oh, but I do not drink' song and dance...well, I have now, figured out how to have a casual drink with other adults at a bar or a restaurant or a social event. Moderately of course, as the upright of this card suggests. More generally, though, I think, its about trying to connect more with people - not just acting the logical outside observer of human interaction. The word "networking" comes to mind. If Queens are the crux of the suit turned inwards, Kings are turned outwards and so it is here: my grad program, for example, is always telling us about how important it is to network, and I've seen with my own eyes how helpful can be to careers...it doens't come naturally to me at all, that, but perhaps again, at least some of that is just perception, perception of me as only the Hermit, never the King, that I need to let go of.

In my personal life too...well, I have been pro-actively connecting more, already, a bit. I've met a couple friends from online in real life in the last year or so, and that was all really nice. I started going to monthly meetups with a local tarot group largely because it's a way to meet people, interact with folks I'd ordinarily not interact with at all and with whom I share some common. Considering maybe trying to find some activity or interest meetups/groups when I actually have some free time energy, that kind of thing.

So yeah, this reading makes perfect sense - let go of that self-image of me as alone person that was never really quite accurate and has grown increasingly less so with time, and focus on maintaing/improving current friendships/relationships and being pro-active about forming new ones, both professionally and personally.