a look at myself

The following is an abridged version of the Planetary Personality Spread shared by a member of the local tarot meetup group during her presentation last Saturday. The planetary positions on an astrological chart are used as a basis for the card positions in the spread. I thought my reading using this spread was rather on point, so figured I'd post it here.

1. The Ascendant
Your persona, what people see when they first meet you, the mask you present to the world.

As the title of the card would suggest, Temperance is in many ways traditionally a card of balance, of having patience and taking care, of moderating influences. In the Thoth, the card is called Art, Alchemy, in emphasis of the  mixing of the water in the cups, of experimenting and creating, combining, synergy and evolution. In the Nusantara, I see aspects of both of these takes: here, the figure looks harmonious, calm, at ease, carefully balancing and mixing; but there is a certain enthusiasm, a look of energy and enjoyment lacking in the traditional RWS artwork. She still has one foot in the water and one out of it, but the positioning looks more precarious, the water more roiling, the land more like the edge of a cliff. She almost looks like she could be dancing, and yet, is still quite absorbed in her task, the mixing.

What does this suggest about the persona I present to the world? A woman who tries to appear light, at ease, not particularly burdened; someone who wants to appear together, reasonable and trustworthy in their approach to the things they do; someone who very much enjoys experimenting and mixing various perspective, interests, hobbies, etc., even things one might not think very complementary or mixable; someone who tries to downplay the precarious nature of the ground she stands on (or not) and someone who has a hard time actually committing to any one thing, one foot here and one foot there.

2. The Sun
Your basic personality and temperament, your core behaviors, what drives you.

The five of cups generally signifies grief, loss, disappointment, despair, regret. Sometimes it speaks of necessary grief, the need to see harsh reality for what it is, process, and move on; other times it speaks to dwelling on the negative, fixating on what is broken and spilled and gone rather than that which you still have. Here we see a dark-clad figure staring down at the three ups whose water has spilled on the ground, back to the two cups still standing. Grey pervades the background, giving a melancholic air to the surroundings.

What does this say about my basic personality, temperament and behaviors? Well, it suggests a person who has a melancholic type of approach to life, a person that perhaps struggles with depression and has for a very long time, but also a person who has always, even in childhood, had a tendency to fixate on the negative rather than the positive aspects of a situation, a person who dwells on losses, even of small, petty things, someone who has trouble seeing things, as they themselves at least, with hope; someone who inspects and dissects what went wrong, who does not allow themselves to forget even when they do, mostly, move on.

3. The Moon
Your private side, your inner self, your core [emotional] needs.

The seven of wands shows us a man, armed with a stave and standing in a defensive position, ready to fend off attacks - from who we cannot see, only their staves, rising up towards him, fencing him in. The seven of wands generally signifies struggle, facing and overcoming challenges and opposition, perseverance, valor, fighting on even when things seem hopeless.In this deck, the man stands on the precipice of what looks like it could be a waterfall, bright colors of his clothes contrasting with a dull-colored background. He looks determined. Small sprigs grow out of the staves both he and his opposition hold.

What is this showing of my inner self, my core needs, the private me? We see someone who, though very much not a fan of any sort of conflict (notice how peaceful the mask that temperance presents above is, how uninterested and seemingly unprepared for any such engagements), is nonetheless, when backed against a wall (or the metaphorical precipice of a waterfall), responds with defiance; not anger, necessarily, and not confidence or enthusiasm, but a kind of grim, determined defiance. This is a person who sees themselves as alone in such conflict much of the time, who may not even really care about the outcome, hell, would happily throw themselves down that waterfall, but who will not be pushed, or goaded. This is a person who will not be controlled or made to do anything against their will, and whose sometimes terribly strong desire to give up is balanced by that drive to keep fighting, a person more motivated by defiance, even of oneself, that any kind of ambition or desire.

4. Mercury
How you communicate and think, your intellect and ideas.

Last we have the ace of swords, traditionally signifying  sharp thinking, insight, mental clarity, analysis and reasoning through logic, new and original thoughts and ideas, realizations, objectivity, intellectual impulses. Representing the element of air, we see the sword in this ace grasped by a hand reaching out from within a whirl of clouds; crowned, it stands against a background of long, unbroken blue sky.

How does this describe the ways in which I communicate and/or think, my thoughts and ideas? Someone who thinks deliberately, someone who values and relies and logic, objective and internal, whose judgement and even emotional responses are predicated on logical analysis. This is someone who is capable of great insight, into herself and into others, though insight does not necessarily mean appropriate action in response; someone who loves to think, and who thinks independently, sometimes very unusually; someone who is driven more by intellectual rather than mundane concerns; someone who thinks deeply but also someone who over-thinks habitually, especially when it comes to most forms of communication; and someone who is open to considering other perspectives, to a point, but who, once a decision or a realization is made, is quite capable of cutting off completely certain paths of thoughts and action, rightly or wrongly, and utterly unwilling to reconsider that which has been culled from possibility.

Lesson on Pushing Through

I've been feeling rather adrift, still, in various ways. Decided to do a quick draw with dear Thoth, with the question/theme of A lesson I ought to reflect on ...

An interesting duality in these two cards: two eights, two titles starting with an I. Interference and Indolence stand together as barriers, obstacles. In the 8 of swords we have blades of various sizes line up, crossed by two straight rapiers. All of them have a certain almost translucence quality to them, as if they were made of glass, made of something not quite real or solid. They seem to block the way to something - but what? Behind them the background seems violent, chaotic - dark violet with what looks like angry sparks of red energy. Even the air here is difficult to bear. Astrologically we have Saturn in Gemini here - that half-wild, disorganized brilliance thrown into a tizzy by a negative, unexpected influence. Communication has been disturbed, perverted, twisted until it hurts instead of helps progress. The air sign did not have a strong enough foundation, and now it spins off-course. The mind is sharp, full of wit, quick on the uptake with many things, but also terribly liable towards distraction, towards spirals of self-defeat and negativity, towards exaggerations of problems, impossibility.

In the eight of cups we have a similarly disheartening scene. The cups here stand in a symmetrical pattern still, tied with vines and flowers, but this card is far removed from some of the others in the suit. Here the cups are chipped, broken in numerous places. The lotus flowers room as if dying, perhaps poisoned or corrupted by the inky black waters below. The sky too is almost black, full or storms and cold and lack of light. Despair seems to be the mood here, and this card, like the previous, is also ruled by Saturn. Saturn in Pisces, here - deep emotion turned to melancholic, spirituality affected by hopelessness, compassion burned out. Indolence, giving up because why bother and it is easier to do nothing and simply watch things fall apart, wrapped up in dread of the inevitable. Focusing on the sorrow, the listlessness, the heavy clouds that linger always overhead.

The feeling of too many obstacles and difficulties, too much unknown and already ruined and hopeless, both on intellectual and emotional levels, could be quite problematic indeed. And what to do about that?

Go on. Push forward with chariot pulled by the confident lion, surrounded and blazing with fiery light. Light so bright that it could burn your retinas, that it could not possibly be real, you say looking at it, pondering it. Fake light, make it real because you need to to be light, fake it till you make it light and what does it matter in the end, the nature of it and where it might come from and why?

It shines, a contrast to the grim muddled darkness of the two eight cards. We have motion here, so much movement - not static despair but action, momentum. Go forward with confident air, hold wand of authority in hand and a rein, go. Push forward, through and beyond. See and feel and think of the Interference and Indolence but do not be held back by them, slowed down or stopped. Move through them, hopefully beyond them. Keep going even if they are still there. Cancer and Leo influence - creative passion, a balance of introvert and the people person facade.

He can be reckless sometimes, to a fault, but perhaps sometimes recklessness is the lesser evil: better to move wildly than to not move at all, to remain in the same, bitter place. Let restlessness drive you, harness those impulses and that inner energy and push through, even if you don't quite know where you are going.

the art of hanging

A man hangs, stuck between above and below. He is tied up, crossed into triangles, shapes and forms said to have some kind of meaning. Do they really? Is this truly a sacrifice, and if so, what is it for? What could he gain that would be worth this hanging stasis for so long, what wisdom? Look at the landscape of this card, how far separated he is from reality as others experience it.

In the Thoth this card is not associated with a planetary or zodiac astrological sign, but rather with the pure element of water. Water, which is associated with emotion, with dreams and intuition. Will those be improved, strengthened by his time tied up and submerged? Water is also associated in Crowley's system with the ancient Aeon, a time long passed, behind. The new Aeon is made of fire, of impetus, action, movement forward. In this sense the hanged man is stuck in the past, nostalgia-heavy, dwelling with and bound by things no longer relevant.

The answer is to move forward then, yes? Put behind this idea of self-sacrifice, sticking with what you know because you know it. But what if it isn't that simple, if the hanging situation isn't altogether in your power to change. What if you have done everything you could think of to help yourself to no avail, and when you try to reach out for more professional assistance you are met with a litany of unreturned phone calls, ignored messages, outright don't have time in my schedule rejections? In that case perhaps you must continue in the hanging place a while longer. Might as well try to extract that wisdom after all, those Odin-style nuggets of epiphany. Clouds and rain, water. Perhaps the hanged man goes on hanging because he has found a certain kind of serenity with his lot, rather than dealing with constant cycles of frustration.

Serenity: the art of hanging on.

Combination Reading Experiment I

So having tarot cards and an oracle and the arcana stones AND a lenormand now got me thinking... and when I start thinking, sometimes I come up with some funny ideas. What would happen, for example, if I tried doing a reading that combined ALL of those?

So I decided to do just that. Rather than just read for myself as usual, I offered two experimental readings to members of the Aeclectic Tarot forums in exchange for feedback and permission to re-post them here. This is the first of these, including the feedback.

In this case, my sitter asked:
I would like to know if there is potential for me to move to a job that is better suited to my personality anytime soon.

10 of Sticks  |  Rebellion  |  Letter  |  Malachite/Empress

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We start of the reading with the tarot card, in this case the 10 of sticks. The figure here is clearly struggling to move forward while balancing such a large, heavy burden on his back. No doubt this is one of the many times he has had to pause, re-adjust the sticks, keep going. Nonetheless, he is managing it, even if it is slow progress, and no doubt stressful and unpleasant. He can keep going on just as he has been for a while yet. Is it worth it though, to keep on with this burden? Is all that effort getting him to where he wants to be? A lot of the time, when we are under this kind of pressure, so much of how we handle it is attitude - if you know that you need to do what you are doing to get you to your goals, its easier to maintain morale, whereas when things feel rather pointless/like a dead end...

Yup i can definitely understand this card, work is relentlessly busy due to staffing cuts with loads of non-negotiable deadlines made all the harder because i find the actual job painfully tedious so i can see where attitude might come in lol.

The card that follows indicates the latter may be the case, in your situation. Here we have the card titled Rebellion, representing the energies of Mars in Aquarius. Mars is, of course, the planet of war, fire-energy, assertiveness, even aggression; Aquarius tends to be very independent-minded, one that judges the merits of something according to their own principles and values, and not what anyone else might say. Aquarius doesn't tend to just go along when things don't feel like they are working, don't feel right. Here, in the bottom of the image we see a fort, well-defended, well-established. Going up against it can be a difficult prospect, moreso if you consider the authority and power behind it...and yet there, above it, a youth is doing just that - challenging the stylized, ritualized, static figures of authority, of established things. There is not enough freedom in this work situation for you to be happy - the personality aspect of your question, I take it - and you are ready, deep down, to do something about it. You should, in fact, this card says, do something about it, rebel against that burden you are feeling.

This made me snigger a bit because it sounds soooo like me. I work in a typical bureaucracy where there are established ways of doing things regardless of whether or not it makes sense and i'm forever kicking against it. I also tend to value the differences in people and believe everyone has a right to be themselves without judgement but some of the people i work alongside have very rigid views about how people should think/act etc and can often be incredibly petty. Needless to say i don't particularly conform to their world view which doesn't trouble me though it can get wearing at times and i just can't find it in me to go along with them for an easy life lol !!!

And how? On the other side of this card we have the Letter. This card can represent communication, reaching out, and also physical things - letters, documents, diplomas. In this context, this makes me think of resumes - have you updated it recently, perhaps asked someone knowledgeable to look it over for you? What about cover letters? It can be easier to job search with confidence when you know that your 'paperwork' is up to par, and if you haven't started the process yet, it can be a good first step. If you've been thinking of going back to school or some kind of training/course or such, this card suggests that it might be wise - another certificate/diploma/thing to put down on paper might help you along in your search for better work. Lastly, looking at communication more broadly - have you though about how you might network? Phone calls, emails, social networks - anyone who might know of something more suitable thats hiring or the like? Even if it doesn't pay off right away, it might help you to maintain those links in the future.

Although I have a fairly high level of education already because I'd like to try a completely different path, i have been thinking about looking at further study recently though finances are a sticking point for now. It's a good point about updating the resume which is something i haven't looked at in a long time!

Finally, we have the Malachite stone, representing the Empress, which I think ties up the reading quite well. Following the letter card, I think it gives a nice emphasis to the message there - work on developing your credentials, skills, on nurturing those aspects of yourself that will help you advance in your professional life and help you get to where you want to/would rather be. This can be the paper-work stuff, but can also be about nurturing yourself more broadly - about having and projecting confidence, in feeling surer of yourself when you interview, in believing that you deserve to have a job that isn't so burdensome, that you can succeed in finding one and excelling in it. It also emphasizes, I think, that your feelings of 'rebellion' against your current work situation are appropriate: getting out of it will help you grown, perhaps allow your creative side to develop more as well. If you get any flashes of inspiration - ideas of where to apply, who to try to reach out to, perhaps trying to do something more like starting a business of your own, anything like that - don't be afraid to pursue them and see where it goes.

Interestingly I do want to find something that is more creative and have toyed with ideas on looking at self employment though as yet no idea has firmly taken root but maybe i just need to explore that a bit deeper.

Thank you for the reading, it all made sense and tied in quite well with what's going on around me at the moment and has validated some of the things i've been considering.

harmony and discipline

So decided to do one more draw before switching back to a regular 78 card tarot deck, a bit experimental in taking one card from my Mix Deck and one card from the Oracle of the Radiant Sun and reading them together.

We have here the Emperor, in rather classic form, sitting in profile on a throne, with a scepter of power in hand, a shield at his foot engraved with the emblem of a majestic bird. I like the color palette on this card, I must say - primary, essentially, and yet with just enough tone and shade to be interesting. A bit of a stark image here, but it gets across the essentially message - this is a man who is powerful, authoritative, organized, disciplined.

In contrast, the man in the Harmony card is naked, laying about casually in a bush of flowers, playing with a flock or birds which flies through the sky between the man and the bright sun above. Sun and Libra makes perfect sense for the concept of Harmony, for how best to get it if not through balanced, measured, moderate approach combined with a positive and optimistic attitude and the energy to follow through?

Sometimes, when situations challenge us, that kind of balanced, positive attitude requires self-discipline, strength of will. And so we see that these cards are not, in fact, all that opposed to each other at all. Harmony, nice as it is to be able to experience, doesn't just *happen* on its own. We can make it or we can break it, as it were, depending on our own attitudes and approach to things. I've been a close witness to several incidents this week that illustrate this especially. Sometimes the people around us take liberties, or push our buttons, or fly off the handle for no good reason; sometimes we may be tempted to quibble about little things, to insist on getting our way, to refuse to compromise even a bit on pride or principle.

Of course that option is always there; to me, the question is more - but is it worth it? Is it worth it to get your way in one particular situation if it means making your relationship with someone more conflicted in the long term? Is it worth the negative feelings it will engender? If someone screams at you or otherwise fails to act like a mature and reasonable adult, it may be tempting to scream right back - but is it worth it to escalate the situation, when remaining calm might, instead, diffuse it that much faster? Is it worth it to hold onto so much negative feeling when you could instead take that deep breath and see how much of that you can just...let go of?

A lot of these things aren't necessarily anyone's first instinct, and that is where the Emperor comes in handy. The self-discipline to think before you speak, react. The self-discipline to look at the bigger picture - not just how am I interacting with X today but how much will I have to interact with X in the future and what kind of relationship do I want that to be? The discipline to do the mature, balanced, fair thing even if you have to be the first (or only) person doing so.

Those birds that connect the naked man to the bright, warm sun didn't come to him out of nowhere. He had to build up that trust, that connection, bit by bit. The discipline needed to create your own little bubble of harmony, regardless of what is going on around you or what other people do.

Focus On: Achievement

At the top of this card we see the Capricorn ram as a monument, gilded and posed, surrounded by stylized star-flowers. Below, under the auspices of the Sun-coin, we have well-maintained buildings, just a bit luxurious, perhaps 18th century in style.

Achievement: the fruit of the stubborn work ethic of the Capricorn combined with the optimistic energy of the Sun.

I am reminded by the images in this card of how easily it comes to us, as larger societies, to celebrate achievement. We build monuments and statues everywhere. We name bridges and highways after famous figures. We open museums. We create national holidays, produce action figure toys and stylized, glorified movies, put images of famous men on bills and coins. Everywhere you turn, if you are looking for it, you can find some reminder of the past, what 'our' people or 'other' people achieved. Currently I live within walking distance of a bunch of different roman ruins, lots of signage helpfully pointing out the way to this and that, look what they build here once, across centuries...

And yet when it comes to our own personal achievements, our own lives...how often do we dismiss, belittle, take for granted what we have done, what we have gained and over-come, what we have struggled against and survived? We don't want to seem arrogant, to 'brag', so instead we laugh, say "oh, that was nothing" when in fact it was NOT nothing - it was something important, something significant, something that required our efforts, determination, skill to achieve.

How often do we take the time to build our own, personal monuments, to pause and really think about what we did and tell ourselves - why yes, I did do that, and that was quite awesome of me?

Contemplating the Hermit...

I decided to do a slightly more focused draw today - asking the deck for a card with a message I need to ponder, contemplate, focus on right now.

The Hermit came up, and that strikes me as rather appropriate, all things considered. We have a rather straightforward image here, the robed old man with a lantern and a cane, moving forward, lighting his own way. His robe is golden, illuminated by the lamp it seems, which is a nice touch, and the shape of the cane brings to mind a serpent image, association with Hermits in more detailed decks - Thoth especially comes to mind for me.

The Hermit is fine, comfortable with being alone, with making his own illumination:, self-learning, self-wisdom, self-guidance. Sometimes we need that space, wrapped up in ourselves, in our own cloaks and robes and personal bubble, using our own tools and resources.

Appropriate this is, because I have been feeling a bit odd in recent days about the fact that I have been kind of isolating myself from others in my language school. On the one hand, I mostly feel comfortable with this, getting things done on my own time, seeing to my personal priorities. On the other hand, I feel like by avoiding people I am somehow depriving myself of opportunities I should be taking advantage of. I do have a tendency to over-isolate myself sometimes, and I am aware of that - aware of the need to get out of comfort zone and be social, the fact that sometimes that really turns out for the best. How to balance the push and pull?

The thing is, a lot of my self-isolation in this case is due to differing priorities. By and large, the others here are a few years younger than me...not a huge age difference, but in a way it does feel significant. Different priorities. For me, learning as much Arabic as I can is very, very important. I try to use any free time - on the train, waiting around for something - to study and review, because free time is precious. I try to listen to radio and watch Arabic news clips and just expose myself as much as I can. Coming from this kind of place, the prospect of sitting around with casual friends and acquaintances, not really doing much, not really talking about anything in particular is just...not very appealing, much of the time. So perhaps, in this context, being a bit of a Hermit is only natural, and useful for my purposes.

I decided to also pull a pair of cards from my Oracle of the Radiant Sun deck to add some nuance/shading to this reading. The two that come up...Principle and Discovery. The Sagittarius influence across both strikes me: that positive, optimistic, active drive forward, the energy and push which kind of characterizes how I feel about striving to learn all that I can. Principle, about staying true to what is important to me, about building on those internal foundations to achieve what I want. And Discovery...the fact that just being here is amazing to me, an adventure. The littlest things here fill me with joy...overhearing two women chatting and understanding a bit, walking past the Presidential palace on the way home from school, the edifying experience of struggling to be understood by a store clerk, experimenting with making my own vegan version of local foods for dinner.

I shouldn't isolate myself constantly, of course, but keeping to myself more is not necessarily a bad thing, if I am doing so for the right reasons, if I am making sure to pursue what is important to me in my own way. The important thing is to act in a way that will ensure that, when I look back on this experience, I will be satisfied with the way I took advantage of everything.

dashing towards our hopes

I decided to try working with the Arcana Stones again this morning, this time in a shorter, more casual fashion. Ended up with one stone on one card: a nice, succint message for the day.

We have the Knight of Wands here, on his black horse. Saying this reminds me of that Knight Study series I was supposed to finish here, but...you can tell a lot about each of the knights from the position of their horses. Here, we see the animal rearing on its hind legs - that extra momentum, the energy pulling it up, but also a degree of combativeness not seen in any of the other suits. Fire, after all, is the most easily dangerous of the elements; fire burns.

Being a Knight, the card speaks not just of wild energy, of fierceness, but rather of all that controlled. The rider is experiences, wise enough to know when and what to harness, and how, in order to achieve his goal. He rides with his flaming baton at the ready. Like the other knights, he has his armor to protecting him - more physical in nature than that of the Swords Knight, but not so heavy as that of the Disks. Behind him we see the backgroound of curling glames, so much light and heat.. So much to do, yes, to take control over, energy directed in to action. He rides and he fights and he takes on what he must take on in order to achieve...

But what, exactly, is he doing all of that for? What drives him? I write a lot, both here and especially in my personal journey, about getting things done simply because you must, because it is necessary and there are no other options. And that is, indeed, a valid driving factor - yet, you cannot really get this kind of passion if THAT is what underlies everything. No, for this kind of more energetic, more enthusiastic, more driven approach...you need to have some kind of...hope, dreams, ideals.

The stone here is blue lace agate, signifying the Star. Aquarius major, the cool blue a contrast to the fire of the knight and yet... The star: dreams, hopes, the forces that keep you going. Wishes, grasping towards those far pinpoints of light in the night, in the darkness...

When something...Star-like is visible, near-graspable, clearly on the horizon...it becomes easier to motivate ourselves to approach the things, the obstacles, whatever, that seperate us from it with this kind of fiery enthusiasm: Scorpio and Sagittarius, grim determination and sheer optimistic drive, all focused towards that pretty, shiny blue in the distance...

Which is to say, this is whole reading is pretty much speaking to my efforts at getting my shite together/getting organized for my rapidly approaching Tunisia adventure. All the things I've been doing, and need to continue to do. It's not really in my nature to get truly 'excited' by most things, but...a little spark, slowly growing as everything comes together. Need to channel and direct that energy, keep knocking those things off the To Do list...

a time for self-discipline

The Emperor has come up several times in the last few days as part of the little quick draws I do for myself. I can't say that I don't see why, considering all that is going on...

I like this take on the Emperor. The style of this deck is very...compelling and at times, quite open to interpretation. He stands holding a rams-head wand at that maltese cross thing, pure thoth-influence there, the symbols of his power, authority, the astrological influence of Aries...but look, that emblem with the symbols of the fourth suits...is that a robe he is wearing, a part of him? Is it a podum he is standing in front of? Hard to tell, exactly... Behind him we see houses, buildings, the tangible, physical world but all of it is a jumble, a mess of chaos, a lack of clarity...and he stands before it, steady, cloaked in a balance of black and white, the laurel coming out of his crown. Ready to take command, to exert his will on what is around him, to delineate, organize, take control...

Yes, I do understand why this particular message is repeating itself for me, in different variations. I have been constantly working at it, trying to get things done. To boot, there seem to be a growing number of things outside my schoolwork that I need to deal with too. I am not, in fact, the most super organized, attention-to-detail person naturally. So many things on my plate makes me feel overwhelmed. I try to work on it, make to do lists galore to keep myself accountable, try to work out precise schedules for what/where/when I am going to do...

I have made progress. About half of the school things I needed to do have been done. If I can get through what I need to finish by Thursday, I can pretty much relax for the rest of the semester. The little bit after that will be no problem at all...Progress, yes, forward movement. I got the 8 of wands alongside the Emperor sometime during the weekend - Saturday, I think. Mercury in Sagittarius, a card of deliberate, empowered, optimistic forward movement indeed. Here instead of flying, the wands are growing upwards, growing strong under the auspices of that rainbow, the bands of light, energy. With determination, organization, and self-discipline you WILL get through this, will make the progress you need to make, and do it well. Just go. Self-discipline to keep on going. It was a message I rather needed to hear...I spent most of the weekend trying not to cry because of intense nerve type tooth pain. And yet, nonetheless, I did get two presentations done, both of which went well. I forced myself to go to the library and work and read and meet with my group and do what I needed to do anyway, and it led to good things.

Today the Emperor showed up again, this time with the 10 of pentacles. Mercury in Virgo, this time. Taking that Magus-intellect-empowerment energy and focusing it on the pragmatic, the earth-realm, the obligatory. The 10 of pentacles is such a dual card really...on the one hand, it speaks of material success, of wealth, of accomplishment. On the other, of duty, of obligation, of the strings that bind you to others. Responsibility that comes with having what you have. The man sits, around him all that he has gathered, achieved. He is at once satisfied and utterly exhausted by his efforts. And yet, around the corner, beyond that arch, there is a child, young, giddy, ready to play. There is a castle waiting to be explored, a new adventure, if only he can satisfy the duties, the obligations he has inside...

The home stretch, this. Don't drop the ball now. Keep on with the efforts to organize what you need to do, to plan your time exactly and follow through as best you can, to work and work and work until the work is over. It will be worth it. You will have time to catch your breath. And the rest will perhaps, seem less overwhelming and more exciting once these current obligations are satisfied.

So yes, take control. Force everything else away from your mind. Bring order to that messy jumble of thoughts and ideas. Self-discipline to move foward and keep moving forward until everything you must do has been dealt with.

keep on keeping on

Once again we have two cards here that are quite appropriate to my life right now. First of all the Ace of Swords - again a definite Thothy influence here. It stands pointing upwards, piercing a crown of light, while the hilt is in the shape of a bird. Freedom, flight forward, towards the new, above the world with old clouds receding and creation, cutting off the old and plunging into the new, illuminating everything. Paired with that we have the three of pentacles, Mars in Capricorn: a certain kind of active, stubborn determination. You are doing, and you will KEEP doing until you get it all DONE, no matter how much effort and energy it takes from your part. Fire in earth indeed. It is more than that, though. The artisan, the stained glass window painter...he is enjoying his work, in that image. He has the knowledge, and the tools ready in his belt, and he is going at it, creating something wonderful, something that he can be proud of. He's been preparing for this task, and now that it's here in front of him, he plunges right into it, ready.

I'm really not unlike this craftsman right now, though my efforts, as the Ace indicates, are more intellectual endeavors. One of my major research papers is due tomorrow evening, for my cyber war class. I already have the outline written out, detailed notes of the paper, this new task, that I want to create. It's been difficult though, to get myself to actually sit down and do the hard work of getting a rough draft typed out, then revising, then revising again, then adding proper footnote/endnote citations, then reviewing one last time, etc. I suppose, as always, I get apprehensive, nervous when it comes time to do it. Hard to focus and concentrate. But I must, and I can, and as the 3 of pentacles points out, I really do want to. I really like my idea and want to argue it well, make a good point. In a way...well, I am in this heavily male dominated class in a somewhat male dominated program/field, studying a topic that I pretty much had no prior knowledge of, and one that combines two fields ladies aren't normally associated with excelling in...and if I can do this, prove to both my inner feminist and my inner individualist that I can do this, and WELL, that yes, regardless of what topic you throw at me, I can learn it and then can critically engage with the material? I will feel proud, accomplished.

And as the Ace points out, once I write this I am done with this class and can focus on finishing other things, getting done with everything and started on the new, excited possibilities in front of me for the near future...which...birds, air, there is a growing possibility I may be flying somewhere exciting...

a jumper and a shadow card

So one interesting this I've noticed...well, I make it a point to only keep decks that I 'connect' with and can read pretty easily, and with most of my decks I can shuffle, do whatever spread or exercise strikes my fancy, interpret, usually use reversals and voila. But with some, often the ones I have a deeper liking for and connection with...well, they are 'special snowflakes'. They refuse to be read reversed. In the de la Rea's case, one and only one spread. And, I am noticing, with the Thoth...it doesn't like to be read in spreads at all. For exchanges fine, it will comply, but when I am working with it personally...I have tried numerous times to read with it in a spread and just...oh, it will give me a message, sure enough, and a GOOD one, but it will have nothing to do with the spread in mind. I know instinctively if I have to draw one or two or three cards, and really I get the best results by just shuffling, drawing, and letting it 'speak' to me as it may.

Tonight was interesting in that, in addition to the core reading (which speaks to a personal problem I'd rather not get into detail on here) of two cards, I also had a 'jumper' card that fell out not once but twice while I was shuffling, and felt obliged to use a 'shadow' card, from the bottom of the shuffled deck...both of which are concepts I generally don't hold with/do much, but which made perfect sense here, and, taken together, came to a sort of reading within a reading of their own...

So this card was the insistent jumper, and in the context of the whole reading it was rather appropriate. Kind of saw it in the 'high' position above the two main cards. Those basically referred to a Devil type issue interfering with my Science striving, an issue I was thinking about earlier in the evening (this is what I mean by random draws from Thoth tend to be SO ON POINT), and its a card that came up a few days ago, when I was feeling particularly fatalistic minded and needed a good kick in the right direction, ha.

Basically, the message here as I see it, in this queen, is that you can overcome those problems, the obstacles to your success and fulfillment. This queen actually mirrors the RWS version of Strength in some ways, with her hand on the leopard - normally a rather wild, dangerous animal but here perfectly tamed, obedient. She sits on a throne of fire, again in control of the heat, emboldened by it rather than burned. The orange and red and yellow energy in this card both focuses towards her, rising up through her from within, and radiates out from her, a crown of light illuminating her path. She holds that pine-cone staff, ready to make things grow, to create. To me, the message here is to have more confidence in your own inner passions and ambitions, in your own creativity and drive. Instead of focusing on shortcomings, on things you could have done better or areas where others handle things better than you, focus on YOURSELF. What you want, what you are capable of, how much you have accomplished in spite of some rather serious problems and obstacles. Its that creative passion that drives you, burning from the inside out. You want more from life, you want to DO something, have a positive impact, go places and see things, write something of value, and not just in small everyday ways. There are minors that have a similar message but no, here, with the queen, the bigger picture. Self-assurance, self-confident drive...and especially the image of a self-assured, confident WOMAN asserting herself, acting, striving for what she wants when so much of societal messages still have so many negative correlations and obstacles to THAT...

Below, as the shadow card, we have the Tower. A card that's been all over my life and reading this year. In truth, because it needs to be, because I still haven't really done the hard work of knocking down things that need it, of making true, major, difficult, painful, and very necessary change. A shadow card, in the background, thematic - because yes, in the short term if I harness the energy of the Queen I can mitigate some of that issue, but really...that feeling that I could be getting so much MORE out of those Science aspects of my life I so love if there wasn't that big Devil problem coloring everything, draining so much of my energy, time...it's a logical assessment. Even the Queen....in the current circumstances, channeling that means finding the energy to stay afloat. Stay afloat with difficulty, with stress and frustration, because of those IDEAS that float around in my head, because no matter how difficult other things are reading and studying and discussion still sets my mind ablaze...but if there was that Tower change, that could mean more. Those rays of light from her crown could extend so much further...

The eye of Shiva watches the destruction in this tower, knowing through the lens of eternity that it is necessary, illuminating it. Flames, like those of the Queen, from below and within but here, under the influence of Mars, they are not burning with positive passion but more aggressive than that, stronger, they cause that old stone structure, with the bars on the window, with the misery inside, to fall. Crystal-like figure are falling out, the painful tumble downward, so fraught that it is tempting to stay within that tower, but to listen to the dove, the reassurance, the glimpse of the next arcana to come if you can just hold and get through this...

It strikes me, the similarities between these: the flames from below driving the action in the whole card, the crown or the eye above radiating light, the color palette of fire, white-themed in the Queen for the positive energy and black-themed in the Tower for the necessary destruction, the darkness that must be faced, fought, dispelled. Fire for action, Mars for engagement, the Queen for accountability...yes, these two together added a very necessary layer/message in regards to the core issue described by the other two cards...

keeping a grasp on perspective

Just quickly typing up a small but relevant reading I did for myself... relating to how busy and stressed and tired I am about so many things, how much difficulty I've been having getting a particular assignment done...

Look inside of yourself, these cards say. Remember the crux of everything. Do not lose perspective on that, the big picture, the over-arching theme. Do not let yourself get so overwhelmed that you lose sight of that: what makes you happy, what drives you? What do you love, without question, deep down to your very bones? It is learning, learning as much as you possibly can in any way. You love reading and you love exploring, adventure, taking stupid risks because something is just so interesting and a chance to experience something new. Remember that you went back to school because you wanted to be challenged. In the end, this isn't about papers or grades but about reading, absorbing, THINKING, having a place to share those thoughts with people who are on the same page.

The Sun in Scorpio - what lights you up with that kind of intensity, focus? Mercury in Aquarius - curiosity, intellectual action, learning learning. There is so much you want to learn about in life. All your academic program stuff, and so much more: higher level economics, statistics, geology, more history, linguistics, more Arabic, more French, Russian, philosophy, so many things...classes, auto-didacticism, whatever.

Do not lose sight of that. Even as you struggle, papers scattered around you, books, three hour power naps and go...do not lose sight of what gives you pleasure in the most instinctual of ways, always - science, science. Keep it all in perspective.

what's possible

So today was kind of...interesting. See, I've been so swamped with things on my mind and things to do, that I forgot I was supposed to co-lead a discussion in one of my classes today. No problem, I thought when I realized this morning; I still had enough time to finish the reading and think up some appropriate questions. And then I realized one of the readings I was supposed to discuss wasn't uploaded online as it was supposed to be and...well, one thing led to another and suffice to say that I gave my professor the impression, in an email exchange, that I had done a good bit more reading than we were supposed to have done when in fact I had done a good bit less. And she called my bluff and, impressed at my 'initiative' asked me to do a mini-lecture on it for the class.

So I had about an hour and a half to familiarize myself with a rather long reading, select excerpts to hand out to the class, and analyze it enough to be able to discuss it meaningfully. Fortunately, I DID have the underlying skills to do this: the ability to speed read with comprehension, the ability to think critically and conceptually and make connections and get big idea discussion points in a very short period of time. To be able to draw out the most important ideas, connect them to previous ideas, intellectually synthesize, etc.

On the metro on my way to class, I drew a pair of cards for advice and one of them, the crux of the draw, was the Fool. Air element, optimism, freedom from worry and fret. The fool leaps with confidence into new things. The fool, with his shoes pointed upwards, is light and quick on his feet. The fool in green is full of energy. The fool, not bothered by the tiger, the crocodile...next to the butterfly, newly transformed... I knew exactly what this card was trying to tell me.You know what you want to to talk about, how to organize your ideas, so just...don't worry about how last minute your preparation was, don't worry about whether you know enough... just trust yourself. Trust that you can do well, and approach it with confidence, with a positive attitude. Just throw yourself into doing well. Go into the class believing that you can pull it off. And so I listened to the card, and I did it. I did just fine. No one, including the professor, questioned whether I knew what I was talking about, whether I had done the reading. The professor was pleased with the excerpts, my analysis, my discussion questions. I already had the underlying ability, and so I was able to pull it off, despite the tightness of the constraints. Because I walked in there with all the confidence of the Fool, it added to the impression everyone had that I knew what I was talking about. Possibility became reality.

This was actually a very good reminder for me, namely because pulling off difficult things is hardly over for me. In the next two weeks I have to write another memorandum for a difficult grader professor, write a twenty-five page research paper, work on two different group presentations, plus a whole bunch of arabic work and regular readings, and also keep going to work, and find some time to go to a dental clinic to try to get my tooth fixed at affordable cost, and until then do all of that while in constant pain/discomfort, and other non-school related things stressing me out and just...

I pulled another two cards this evening, in an improvised what to do/what not to do spread, and got the 7 of Swords for what not to do. Futility, giving up on yourself prematurely, letting false doubts cloud your mind. That middle sword serves as a center of gravity for the rest: you need a strong center, a confident center, something to anchor all the many projects and responsibilities you need to get done. This card has the moon in aquarius - the possibility of doubts, confusion, lunacy, illusion getting in the way of pure intellect, in the way of curiosity, originality, logical thought. If you let doubts knock that center of gravity out of balance, everything falls apart; if you can hang on, not let the moon skew things...anything is possible.

If today showed me anything, it's that academically at least, I can pull of a great very many things even in very constrained, very difficult circumstances. I have the ability, the skill. If I can put away self-doubt, if I can overcome distraction, the despairing fear of failure, futility - if I can channel the fool, the blind certainty of conviction - I CAN do this. I can get what I need to get done. Haven't I proven already to myself, again and again, what I can do?

So yes, avoid the faulty logic of 7 of Swords, channel the Fool's energy and confidence, and get to work. Aquarius, Air signs, Possibility. So much is possible if don't let your mind convince you otherwise...

the right approach to idealism

So lacking time for longer/more interesting reading (I've seen several spreads lately I really want to try out!) decided to simply do another take on the idea of drawing one card from two different decks and interpreting them together. In this case, from Thoth and from my new deck for the next week or two, the trimmed Harmonious...

It's kind of funny, but I don't have a particularly high opinion of the Knight/Prince of Cups generally - relating this to others, I kind of see it as the kind of guy that is liable to pursue you a bit TOO hard, to the point of getting creepy and uncomfortable; the type that just doesn't want to HEAR it when the answer is no. In yourself, I kind of see it as that same kind of tendency toward...over-idealism, romanticizing things rather than dealing with reality, single-minded pursuit of dreams when a more pragmatic approach would get you further; the rose-colored glasses approach. I suppose that makes sense, that someone who identifies mostly with Queen of Swords and Knight of Pentacles might not see the Knight of Cups so positively...

But I think the message here is that sometimes, a little idealism - some devoted following of some dream or idea, some determined optimism - can be a good, or an even necessary thing. It's a good counter to negative thinking, to that kind of 'there is no way you can get that done, why even bother' voice. Maybe this knight isn't the most....together, in his approach toward that castle, but he's still going, not letting anyone or anything convince him otherwise. I mean, the fact that he has to have a cup of - what, liquid courage? - with him isn't the best sign, but...it's about HOW you go about the idealism, the dreams.

Virtious thinking. Positive thinking, not just in terms of optimistic thoughts but... positive in terms of being pro-active, pragmatic - what kind of goals do I have? What effects do I want to have, and how can I best go about doing that? It's self-confident, optimistic, directed thinking....

The Sun in Aries, we have in the three of wands - all the good, energetic, bright, right energies of the Sun channeled into action, into boldness. Relating to the majors associated with those astrological signs, we have the Emperor and the Sun: discipline that leads to success, fulfillment. There's a lot of bright orange and yellow color, which goes well with the color palette of the Knight of Cups as well. By taking the idea of the three of wands, combining that with the best aspects of the knight... well, some obstacles or difficult tasks ahead of us may just start to look a bit more manageable.

things that need to be dealt with...

So today, it seems, the Thoth would like to really call me out on my nonsense...

I notice right away the continuity of the color scheme between these two cards, the mucky sick yellow-green which pervades the 7 of Cups and which the Princess of Swords is confronting. The same muddled, grey background in both cards too - tired and dreary and difficult things about...

The more I work with the Thoth, the more I come to like it's court cards. They take some getting used to if you are coming to the deck from a primarily RWS (or even TdM) background, but...the courts have always been a bit of a challenge for me to read, especially the pages. There is a certain lack of...clarity, distinctness at times, or at least that was my experience when I was first learning the cards. In the Thoth, though, I find it's much easier to get a grasp, and each court card is very much its own, quite clear message. In  this case, the princess of swords is about confrontation - both kinds. On the on hand there are external issues, diffuclties, obstacles that you might wish you could avoid or run away from but which in fact you really should stand up and face; and on the other hand within yourself, that need to turn the sharp sword of logic and critically examine your own actions, perceptions, approach to things. This princess has an airy, transparent dress and wings - she is young, flexible, able if she chooses to adjust, adapt. And despite all the chaos around her, she is bright green - for youth, renewal, spring, growth, possibility...

The 7 of Cups is titled Debauch and indeed, we see a see of muck, poisonous slime dripping down from those cups, the two downwards triangles, the tigerlilies... We have Venus in Scorpio, in a way bringing together the worst traits of both of those signs - overindulging, self-indulging in destructive impulses, turning a certain intensity in the exact wrong direction. We have dark skies, mucky seas, venom drip...the entire scene makes me think of nausea...And actually, its perhaps for that reason that I know exactly what this is referring to. See, I kind of have a cluster of problems involving a bunch of dental issues, the most serious of which is a tooth which had been causing me pain since last September, and which I was told in December needs a root canal or extraction. I've been ignoring the issues, and it's gotten to the point that taking TONS of ibuprofen doens't help enough and prescription pain medication dentist gave me makes me so nauseated I cannot eat anything which given my already less than ideal eating habits...and yeah.

Why don't I do anything about it? Because I am stressed with other things, because I am moderately paranoid about doctors and dentists, because I don't have dental insurance and I KNOW trying to get into a lower cost dental school clinic will be a bother, because I just don't feel like I have the mental energy to deal with the issue. Same reason I've been all kinds of other issues as well, but well. This has become a bit of an acute problem, I suppose, and Thoth has something to say to me about it:

Deal with it. Just deal with it. Put on your big girl clothes, grab your logic-sword, and do something. Take a good look at what you've been doing and why that isn't working for you and what you should do instead. Realize that yes, this is going to involve some external hassle and dealing with obstacles and things and/or people you may not want to deal with and that...you need to do it anyway. Fight the slimy-icky things because constantly taking so much pain medication that you feel too sick to eat is not a long-term solution for success. In this case, continuing to do nothing about the problem is very much Debauch, self-indulgence in a very self-defeating sense. Fight that impulse: just deal with the chaos this is causing already.

on temperate swiftness

What struck me right away about today's draw was the color: so much color, rainbows...we have just about every color somewhere in the Art card, and rainbow specifically in the edges of the golden ring around her, in the energy rising up out of the cauldron, covering her like a cloak. And of course, the rainbow-refracting crystal with the red bolts of lightening under a proper rainbow in the eight of wands...color, waves of energy everywhere, yes.

What's more, both are Sagittarius cards...Art influenced by the idea of optimism, of grasping your way up, taking energy and mixing and working and creating something better, higher. In the 8 of Wands, we have Mercury in Sagittarius, which I especially like because Mercury is usually associated with cleverness, quickness, with the mind: this is us, applying our intellect and mental energies to make things happen, to make things move in a positive direction. Today is the first day of Spring, officially, and here we have two cards full of synthesis, creation and growth.

Together, these two bring to mind the question of just what exactly Art, or Temperance in the RWS, is. When you hear Temperance, it's easy to think well yes, be moderate, be cautious, don't take things to extremes, think before you act, don't go too far...and yes, sometimes, to do the temperate thing that is EXACTLY what you need. But for me at least, sometimes when I get into a certain 'extreme thinking' mindset, it kind of goes 'Well, I can't get this done just how  I want it anyway, so why do anything at all?' 'There are so many problems, and some of them are totally out of my hands to fix, so why bother to tackle any? There will always be more of them, right?' And in this kind of case THAT is the extreme thinking, because if you can enact some kind of solution, create something good, tackle a bit of the larger issue, why not do it? Why not try? Why not jump in and take that action?

Temperance means trying.  Extreme thinking is 'well, I tried once and failed, I'll never succeed so why bother?' Art means fiddling with the pot, with various combinations again and again until you finally find something that works. In the card the figure mixes sulfur and mercury, fire and water - there is an alchemy metaphor there, and what was alchemy ever, if not this kind of optimistic playing with this and that: what alchemist didn't fail again and again in his work? But if you keep mixing around in that pot, even if you don't get exactly what you were hoping for...you never know what interesting thing you may create or discover in the process.

Yes, temperance, art, moderation...they can be actions, swiftness taken, participation. I'm actually doing a lot of reading about various extremists in my classes right now...Islamists, hackers, war criminals...and it's often the case in all kinds of volatile situations that the voices that shout the loudest, that take the actions which change everything, are those with the extreme views and ideas, while the more reasonable, moderate folks, the ones most able to negotiate and create a more sustainable solution are the ones who...speak too softly, wait too long to get involved, don't take as much action. That oft-stated phrase, the 'silent majority'....

So yes, bringing it back to the micro level, I have I guess been slipping back into that kind of thinking, no doubt because it's easier to just throw up my hands and say 'This is overwhelming! Things are going to hell anyway, why bother!' rather than stick with the mixing and trying. Sagittarius thoughts though, colors - take Art in hand and move swiftly. See how much you can in fact do if you let yourself create, experiment, to run and fly on a dizzy rainbow of color between earth and things higher, intellect and passion, the tangible ici and dreams.

moving past disappointment

It can be hard sometimes, to let go of a disappointment; the brain, it seems, is almost hard-wired to hold onto such things. It can be something general - plans that fell apart, forces larger than anyone getting in the way; it can be a friend or a family member, a mentor or mentee, a co-worker...someone you were really counting on who just...dropped the ball there; worse yet, it can be yourself. You had plans, you had ideas, and then somehow you let it all fall apart, or you lost motivation and never even started, or you got distracted, or you made a simple mistake...whatever.

And after, your mind wants to dwell on it, pick it apart. Mars in Scorpio - how much resentment can you direct at the offending party? How much energy and time can we spend going over the disappointing events in minute detail? Look at that sea, dark-colored, red waved, un-nourishing. Look at the way those blackened, dried out leaves curl around the empty cups. Look, ponder it again and again. Why did I trust them? Why didn't I get my shit together better, get organized, try harder? But what good is that kind of thinking, really? It happened, it cannot be changed now. For me personally, the current, relatively small disappointment has been the recent visit home. I'm back now, and well...so many plans, things I wanted to get done, catch up on, get started with or finished up, all the books I dragged along with me and then...almost nothing actually accomplished. Time wasted, so much time wasted.

But again, why waste thought-time on that which is done and past? Learn from it if possible. Try to avoid doing the same thing next time, sure, but besides that?

It's best to just move past disappointments, whether they be those you caused yourself or those stemming from the actions of others. Move forward. Focus on the future. Channel the energy, the entusiasm, the passion of strength, the Leo-influence. In a way I quite like Crowley's take on this card, because it combines the traditional meaning - control of 'the beast', compassion and overcoming difficulties through inner strength - but marries it to the idea of joyfulness, of passion, of being fully comfortable with yourself. In this deck, the lion-tamer doesn't have to be the innocently dressed lady overcoming obstacles with her symbols of purity; she rides it wildly, fully herself. I'm on a bit of a feminist kick lately, because all the slut-shaming and misogynistic nonsense all over the media and mainstream political discourse these days is frustrating as hell, and I guess with that in mind I this card really appeals...yes, a woman can be naked, sensual, fully aligned with her instincts and still doing GOOD THINGS.

So for myself, I shall be focusing on making the most of the rest of my free days, both academically, personally and socially - trying to get out, enjoy the weather, catch up on reading, make some time for skating, do some cleaning, and so on. Trying getting keep my efforts are working on certain issues back on track. Going to try to keep this strength card in mind.

pondering prudence

This came up as part of a larger three card draw I did for myself today, but I thought it was an especially interesting card to really mull over for a bit, so.

The 8 of disks is a card that, in the RWS, I've always sort of identified with: a man hard at work, creating something new, dedicated. I see myself as a student in that image. Here, though, the nuance is a bit different. The 8 of disks in the Thoth is titled Prudence. We see a tree, well rooted, flowering eight blossom-coins, and each is shielded by a leaf. Not unlike the 7 of coins in the RWS actually...the same underlying metaphor of growth in nature: when you plant a tree or a fruit, you need to tend to it, and you must have patience. Flowers do not bloom overnight, but rather after months or even years of care. The importance of time.

Also, trying to start to pay more attention to the astrological aspects of this deck, especially in the minors. Here we have the Sun and Virgo, which well...says a lot. The sun for light, that golden background, for energy, positivity, success in your endeavors. As for Virgo...Virgos are very much about pragmatism, practicality, doing things RIGHT, attention to detail, worry, worry, everything must be done just so, yes (can you tell I have a Virgo mother?). Put those together and you do indeed have the concept of prudence in a nutshell.

This take on the card is also interesting because well...it's less about the immediate, in a way. With the RWS, its about sitting down and hammering out the coin and voila, there it is, your coin, a real tangible thing, your efforts made graspable. With this...well you work and you work, and sure eventually the riches of those coin-flowers will be your reward, but how many nights do you go home with nothing in your hands, tired from all the work you put in? If, like me, you are not the most future-oriented of people, it's easy to be tempted, after a time, to give up, or to take some kind of shortcut that will give you less but faster...

What's more, prudence is not always the most exciting of prospects. Neither the easiest nor the most interestiing of options. Prudence is me getting off the internet and tidying up after myself and cleaning all the silverware for my mother. Prudence is me using my spring break to catch up on school reading and research, and trying to apply for jobs and internships for the summer. Prudence is almost never the option that will excite you and yet...look at that image, the stunning visual contrast, the green leaves, violet-mauve flowers, the disks within...good things lie there, waiting for you, if you can stick to that prudent path.