walking, going, beginnings and ends

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."
-T. S. Eliot

"March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path."
-Khalil Gibran

 The End and the Beginning
Wislawa Szymborska

After every war
someone has to clean up.
Things won't
straighten themselves up, after all.

Someone has to push the rubble
to the side of the road,
so the corpse-filled wagons
can pass.

Someone has to get mired
in scum and ashes,
sofa springs,
splintered glass,
and bloody rags.

Someone has to drag in a girder
to prop up a wall,
Someone has to glaze a window,
rehang a door.

Photogenic it's not,
and takes years.
All the cameras have left
for another war.

We'll need the bridges back,
and new railway stations.
Sleeves will go ragged
from rolling them up.

Someone, broom in hand,
still recalls the way it was.
Someone else listens
and nods with unsevered head.
But already there are those nearby
starting to mill about
who will find it dull.

From out of the bushes
sometimes someone still unearths
rusted-out arguments
and carries them to the garbage pile.

Those who knew
what was going on here
must make way for
those who know little.
And less than little.
And finally as little as nothing.

In the grass that has overgrown
causes and effects,
someone must be stretched out
blade of grass in his mouth
gazing at the clouds.

another go at tarot poetry

It's an interesting exercise, if nothing else. For some reason, the Thoth works better for me with this than anything else.

Magus and Fool

empty and full -
where will you go,
rising from nowhere?
nothing will stop you, nothing will dim
that light in which you spin.

rise then, in ellipses,
in spiral rings that swing
without end, with the flutter
of butterfly wings and the chirp
of a dove beside you.

in fractal darkness you glow,
reaching on stretched toes -
what for? what chews
at your leg and tickles your soul?
fire and ice and purple glow.

where can you go, pushed
by air, wind that blows
unknown and chilled by faith, with
hands full of power, burns,
sharpened blades and golden coins?

can you find it,
the half-dreamt space
beyond edges, lines so carefully drawn?
full of nothing, staring at empty nowhere -
and do you dare?

 

advice about another blog

So, writing the answer post last night got me thinking a bit, and I decided to start using a new tag on this blog: free-form reading. Going to use this for readings that are meant to be more in-depth/focused than the 'quick draw' or 'day draw', ie. just randomly pulling a few cards, but in which I do not use any kind of formal spread and let the cards just sort themselves out as they will. As I wrote, with certain decks I sometimes like not being beholden to any predetermined card positions, and figured I might as well systematize that a bit here.

That said, I decided to do such a reading to get some advice about an idea I've been pondering - restarting the Arabic writing blog I hate created over the summer and abandoned soon thereafter.

I.

A fairly unconventional portrayal of the Emperor, wearing a dress and a mask. His real face is turned away, gazing towards the background. We see there a silhouetted scene, a two sides of a precipice connected by a carefully constructed bridge. It was proper planning, organization and management that allowed that bridge to be built. Now he leans on a sword, something to steady him as he looks beyond the horizon, still supervising.

The long view, organization and discipline. This is the crux of why I am thinking of the blog. I was a bit ahead of many of my classmates even before I went to Tunisia, on account of having studied Arabic several years ago; even if you have forgotten most in the meantime, coming at something for a second time really does make it easier. I expected to be ahead last fall and I was - and still am, even with a new professor who is noticeably stricter and better at teaching. I understand concepts faster and am much more comfortable with many of the grammar structures and have noticeably more vocabulary. Part of it I think too is the age difference - being older and more experienced and having a bit of a different attitude towards classes and learning...

That being said, I KNOW that one of the best ways for me to practice, improve and remember things is by writing. Unfortunately, writing assignments longer than a paragraph or so are rather rare indeed. If I could discipline myself to do it on my own, I would gain much. Of course, the Emperor also points out my weakness in such thing - being organized in making time to keep doing it, not getting distracted. I know it would help build up my language skills further, but can I get the proper grip on myself? I tend to start projects and then...take ages to finish them... *cough*thatLenormandIwantto*cough*

II.

The Queen of Cups, like the rest of the courts in this deck, is freed from the constraints of typical imagery. There are no thrones for these folks, no horses or chariots. Instead we see more natural habitats. The Queen is depicted under water, as comfortable beneath the waves as most people are above them. She carries a cup, unselfconsciously enjoying herself, being where she belongs.

Writing has long been my comfort zone - the thing I feel I am good at, the best way to work through complicated thoughts and emotions, me at my most eloquent. Apparently this extends to all languages - when I studied French I liked writing essays, and even in Polish, where my spelling is rather terrible...what I write tends to sound far more sophisticated than my typical speech.

I like writing, learning, challenging myself intellectually. Intuitively, this does feel like a good idea, something I want to do.

III.

Whereas the majors in the Silicon Dawn by and large hew to the RWS tradition, the minors are quite noticeably more Thothy - a common theme in several Thoth inspired decks, come to think of it... In any case, the image here very much calls back to the 6 of Cups in the Thoth, titled Pleasure. We see a figure, half woman half sea serpent, her upper body in almost the same posture of enjoyment as the Queen. The cups here vary - beer pitchers, water glasses, coffee mugs; it all mixes together below. Pleasure can take many forms - the crux is her, at the center, reaching towards the light.

In terms of how to approach this project, this card advises me not to take things so seriously. Yes, in the grand scheme of things it is about building language skills, being methodical and organized in my learning, the understanding that if you really want something it is about more than just the time you spend in the classroom...but that basis does not mean I have to be Super Serious in how I go about it. It is not, after all, homework. It is not an assignment of any sort. The Arabic blog is for me, and we all know it is much easier to stick to doing something if you actually like doing it. The reason I am still writing in this here tarot blog is because I enjoy blogging about tarot cards.

So if I want to rant about the world, if I want to write silly short stories and fictional character studies, if I want to write about tarot cards even (which is another idea that has definitely crossed my mind), I can. I can include pictures, prompts, whatever. This is for me, and why not be as silly and random and self-indulgent with it as I want? As long as I am writing, I am doing things right.

IV.

Summarizing the reading up we have the first of the three 'official' Fools in the deck. The image is all black and white, its perspective jarring. This fool is a mere sketch, not even properly inked - so very tentative and yet already she is jumping off of that cliff into the unknown and uncertain. The similarly newly-sketched dog behind her yaps. You cannot see it on the scan, but the actual card subtly shows that even this first, virgin leap is not so wild an act as it may seem. Like the other fools this one too has wings, only visible when the card is held at a certain angle; in fact, the UV effect covers all of the woman, the dog, the cliff. Just sketched in they may be but they are, in that way, more real and solid than anything else...

There are three fools in this deck and yet it was this one that came up: the first, the youngest, the seemingly just barely there it. My Arabic too, in many ways, is like this. A year ago what I could write was so simple - short sentences, a few at a time.There were so many thoughts and ideas I just did not have the vocabulary to even begin to try to express. Even after years of study, language is such a tricky thing. The Polish I don't think I could ever really forget, though ability might deteriorate... though my English is far better, it was in fact the first language I learned to speak. French, though - I spent six semesters in college actually LEARNING it, after three years in high school spent going to classes learning not much at all. I can still understand when people speaking it, can watch programs and read news articles and get the gist. When I try speaking...Arabic words come out of my mouth. I struggle to find the French. My mother has the same thing...as a schoolgirl she studied Russian for years, and now when she goes to the hospital she gets her medical care at the nurses speak to her in Russian and she comprehends but responds in English because after living in America for twenty six years the Russian words no longer come. You can spend so much time learning and then watch it all spill out of your head again from disuse...

Tentative then, both my abilities and my confidence or comfort with them, but perhaps more solid than I think. Perhaps solid enough that I can engage in a writing blog where I am accountable to no one but myself, where I can go on about anything at all just because I want to. Perhaps it is time for me to take the leap and commit myself to trying. Let us rush and fall and fly.

look at the semester ahead

So as I start off yet another semester of grad school and classes and suchlike, I thought it might serve me well to do a general reading about it - what too keep in mind, look out for, etc. Once again I am using my de la Rea tarot and the Comte de Mellet spread. This time, I got quite a few more pairs, and in reading them, a pattern kind of emerged: Major = Theme, Minor = Details.
--

In the first pair we have the Devil, wonderfully illustrated here by the particular shapes of these masks (the gold paint really does look much nicer in real life) as well as the smoky effect in the background. In this pair, starting off the reading, we can see a kind of question: what is lost likely to hold me back, tie me down, limit me, take away my attention from the things I should be focusing on? In the minor, the five of cups, we can find that answer. In the Thoth, which this card reminds me of more strongly due to the colors (there too, we have the kind of bright orange-red, as the background), this card is called Disappointment. We have wilted leaves, a pentacle reversed - image often associated with the Devil card as well. In the RWS we have a figure weeping over spilled cups, focusing on what is lost rather than what still stands. Cup within cup within cup here, and on top what looks like a kind of egg or perhaps a pineapple. Shall we reach it, crack it open? Or is it too high up?

Devil is the tendency to focus on the negative, to get lost in feeling sad; a tendency to be blinded by obstacles; disappointment and resignation, weeping over spilt milk, over things that one may wish would get better but they don't, at least not much.

In the second pair we have the Fool as the theme question: Where and how should I be more like the fool, willing to go forward, willing to take risks, willing to have faith and to move forward even if it does mean being bitten in the shins now and again? The minor here is the seven of wands, seven wands firmly rooted in the ground stretching upwards, into the sky. Seven is the Chariot in the major arcana, a card of action and movement and small victories - and wands is the suit of personal growth, of ambition and creative energies. Valour, the thoth says, as as in here shows one powerful rod overcoming and controlling the rest, behind.

To be the fool is to take action and take risks, to DO even when the outcome would be far from certain. Face the world and face insecurities and be willing to challenge myself.

Our third pair presents us with Justice and the 2 of Coins, two cards that speak well to each other. In Justice, with her scales bound to her sword with a serpent that reminds me much of the Caduceus symbol used in medicine, there is the reminder that finding and maintaining equilibrium in life is important even if it isn't a Justice card year for me anymore? And how can I work on channeling this, balance, adjustment as needed. The two of coins, of course. The RWS image of the juggler, keeping the balls in the air with a steady hand: smart multi-tasking, prioritizing, focusing on keeping up with many things at once - and not just the obvious ones like 'x assignment and y application'; taking care of oneself is something that needs to be on the list too. In the Thoth the title for this card is Change, a reminder that life is dynamic, of the need to go with the flow. There are runes on the ribbon in this card - we can use them, and cards, and whatever else to help us navigate these twists and turns and that is fine, but do not resist or despair at the unfamiliar, the end of things and start of others. The snake eats its own tail into infinity because such is the universe, hello and goodbye, loss and starting anew.

Justice is balance, is prioritizing and juggling and switching back and forth as necessary; it is keeping track of things, not getting over-focused on the one task and letting others fall to the wayside. It is taking her of responsibilities as well as the self. It is working with the changes that may come.

Finally we have Death posing a suitably appropriate closing question: what should I let go of, put an end to, cut away? What things have passed their expiration date, their usefulness? Bits and pieces of once nice things lay scattered on the ground here, where the reaper walks and cleans, in his own way. The chariot racing into concrete action is advisable - the chariot racing around in the land of fantasy and dreams, not so much. In the RWS we often see a figure confronted with too large a selection of cups filled with two many things - which to pick, which to pick? Indecision is a a very great shortcoming of mine. Just this Monday I spent about fifteen minutes in the bread aisle while grocery shopping, unable to decide on what to pick to make sandwiches on because SO MANY OPTIONS. Feeling like there are too many options can be almost as paralyzing and difficult as feeling that there are no options at all. What to do, so many things, they spin and how could we grasp at just one, how could we decide? Old things and new clutter together, make a mess, and how can you pick out what it is that you really want, now?

In Death we find a need to sort and clear away the confusion, both physically (I have business cards in my wallet of people I no longer even remember at all 0_o) and mentally. In some areas of my life, it is time to step away from the abstract, to sort out a concrete plan rather than just think and dreaming and despairing. In terms of school assignments I would do well by just choosing a topic rather than wasting time that could be better spent on researching going back and forth with 'but i could do this...or This...or That!'. The blade is no worse than the clutter, and the time comes to make use of it, to cut through that fog that can erupt from the fountain of cups.

Being the Logical Fool

I must say - both of these cards rather appeal to me on aesthetic-conceptual level. I love how the fool is shown from a forward perspective, angled so that you can see the expression, the smile, the look of careless freedom at the edge of the cliff. As for the Queen here...well, we have the queen associated with logic and thinking with what looks like a cancer symbol in the background, and a moon at her feet. I am a Cancer who was born on a Monday, who has long associated with the logic of this court in particular. Resonate it does indeed.

The message I see in this particular pairing is something I've been thinking on as of late - the idea of living life as the fool might, but tempered with logic, with reason. To me that means being willing to cut away the things and people and situations that aren't working for you, as soon as you identify the problem and figure out some viable courses of action, rather than letting it fester and fester because change can be so very painful and hard, or you feel guilty, or unsure of yourself, or whatever. It's about taking some risks and doing things you want to do, even if other people might consider them crazy, unwise, bizarre - as long as you think through why you want them, how you will approach them, how to ensure a level of safety that is acceptable to you, can reasonably be achieved.

Not about hasty decisions per se, but more about...think things out, yes. Weigh the pros and cons. Consult with people who have expertise, or whose opinions you trust. But once you figure out what to do, what would be best....just do it. If life seems intolerable the way it is now, figure out the least bad option for trying to change things and go for it. Perhaps things might fall apart, get worse before they get better. But it will be a change at least, yes? Something different.

In retrospect, I have no regrets about my tendency, in recent years, of moving around three different cities, different apartments, applying to schools and using loan money to go on trips to other countries in large part because I couldn't stand the way things were and wanted a change - yes, those weren't really addressing the underlying issues, but well - a change indeed. I've seen more places than I would have if I had just stayed put, tried to deal with the same old kind of unhappy. I have seen and I have learned.

Life is too short, and too full of tragedy - disasters natural and man-made, illness and loss - that you have no control over to spend it stuck at a job that you hate, in a relationship that makes you miserable, seeing a doctor who doesn't listen, whatever. Yes, sometimes circumstances really do make those very very difficult to change - but sometimes not, sometimes not nearly as much so as we let ourselves think.

When that voice tells you that the idea in your head is silly, unnecessary, extravagant, selfish, impossible - use logic, and ask, "but is it, is it really?"

small leaps towards balance

A note: this is definitely one of those relitively few decks where I very much feel the need to read the book/get the creator's perspective before I approach reading the cards, and thus what I write will surely be influenced accordingly.

Two majors to start off the week with the Mary-El tarot - a rather appropriate set, on a couple of levels. Though the card in this deck is titled Justice, I see in it more of the Thoth Adjustment influence than the tradition of the RWS. We have the Egyptian mythology here, Maat with the feather to weigh, to judge. The point of life, in that tradition, was to seek balance, equilibrium, to live and act in such a way that, when the time to be weighed came, your heart would balance out with the feather and your soul would not be eaten up but rather allowed to continue on to the afterlife.

Equilibrium is what strikes me, and reminds me of that word of the year project/idea I wrote about back at the start of the year. A word to focus on, an idea and a goal - I chose Equilibrium because this year is also a Justice year for me, as far as year card calculations are concerned, and I felt that its very much something I could use more of in my life. I must say, on the whole, though I have had some amazing adventures and experiences this year, particularly this summer, up until this week I would have to admit that I don't really think I have made much progress on the whole bringing more balance into my life goal. We have the Fool next to this Justice card though, a dynamic fool, full of energy and passion and most importantly, movement. The waterbearer, dancing with dragon-gods from Mesopotamian mythology, the earliest of human civilization beginnings, and butterflies for transformation. Air is the element of this card, the association in the Thoth. Air can represent intellect, thoughts, the swords suit in the tarot, but also freedom. Is there any greater freedom than the feel of flying through the air, the sky?

I think I may have made progress this week, small, limited, much-caveated but nonetheless real progress. I feel more capable of taking on some things than I did just a few days ago, and that is something.

Speaking of which, the other level at which these cards seem relevant deals with the academic - a very important paper I must write for my Terrorism class by Monday. The fool here I see as myself, at the beginning of my writing process, some ideas spinning around my head but much work still to be done. We had to pick one of six questions to respond to and I wrote a vague outline of an idea for two of them yesterday, since one answer I had to run by the professor and I wanted to have a backup in case he vetoed it. He approved it though, leaving me debating which idea to go with. In the Justice card, I think I have an answer. A prompt to compare the professionalism of two terrorist organizations. My thesis is a rather nuanced, balanced one - that neither was more professional than the other, per se, but that they are/were fundamentally different. Organization A was a hybrid terrorist group and insurgency, with significant conventional force at its disposal at its height. It's armed forces were quite well trained, as were its suicide bombers, etc. It controlled territory and governed it to some degree. Other group, on the other hand, is more professional at pure terrorism, a transnational network with no set location, its leadership having a history of moving when necessary, outsourcing to affiliates around the world, etc. The more conventional nature of the former group was what ultimately allowed it to be defeated, while the more purely asymmetric and loose network structure of the latter why it continues to be a major threat. They were both very professional, but different natures, strengths and weaknesses, etc.

Well, now that I have an idea even more worked out (I do love it when tarot helps me do my academic work), I suppose I should apply some of that fool energy and write a proper outline/draft.

Possibility

Remember this; remember this:

You may lose things left and right - possessions, people you once knew, bits of yourself that once seemed important - but in the grand scheme of things, nothing is truly over, done with. Not as long as you can still run; not as long as there is still breath in your lungs, and thoughts in your mind, the possibility of movement.

You can always, always still move forward, seek a new spring, the green of new beginnings tight across the crags and crevices of your body. You can seek another adventure, a new quest, a new focus, something to seek. Seek to get higher than you are now, to rise.

See the world in spirals that rise and fall and rise again. Always, at the very least, possibility - run and leap and perhaps even fly, freed by air, weightless. Airy dreams: less than half a century ago men from two sides of the globe launched themselves into the stars, into space because they refused to believe that doing so was impossible.A bit over a year ago you drove with your cousin to an air field outside of Stockholm and allowed yourself to be pushed out of a plane, to plummet madly through air, laughing, to feel the sharp tug of an unfolding parachute pulling you up again.

That momentum, to launch into new things, to mix and concoct and try again and again, to discover. As long as you remember the attitude of the Fool you will always have at least that: possibility, the seed of swiftness and maybe one day, some day, flight.

A VRR Story Time

Realized that I haven't done one of these in quite a bit so...why not. Here goes an attempt at the three card draw story exercise with the lovely Victorian Romantic Russian.

There was a woman once, no longer young but not yet into her older years. She had worked in many jobs over the years, from the odd to the quite rather mundane. Nothing held her attention for very long, however, and unlike most this woman preferred uncertainty and even a bit of danger to simply continuing on with something unsatisfying but familiar. Most recently the woman had found work acting as a fool in small troupe of performers. She wore a costume that obscured her gender, her face, all the details of her true identity. She acted and made people laugh, worked with a little dog that belonged to the leader of the group. It was altogether a different experience to be both on stage and utterly obscured, and at first, the woman plunged right into her new work.

The group soon came to the attention of a the local Lord, and then gained the favor of him and his family. Now they had steady work, scheduled, and larger audiences. They had to practice more, make up new routines, dress up in more complex outfits. The woman didn't like the pressure of this new arrangement, the commitment it seemed to necessitate from them all. She didn't like to be boxed in so. She began to take long sulky walks during the day before performances. She went in regular clothes, unrecognizable, through the gardens of her troupe's patron, sometimes straying into the the adjacent forests. On one such walk, lost in her thoughts, the woman met a man - if he could be called that - standing in a large field of many-colored flowers.

In truth this man was a fairy, a sort of forest spirit. Like the woman, this fairy man had grown tired of his own surroundings. Ennui drove him to approach her, and she, always curious rather than cautious about the unknown, soon opened her life to him and described her troubles. "It is that noble lord that keeps you stuck in that position. A creature like you shouldn't work - you should be admired!" he declared, after hearing her. "I will fix this!" he then declared, and sprinted off before the woman's mind even had time to make sense of his words, and realize that she didn't like them, or the ideas they were based on. It was too late to argue however, for the man, magical as she was not, had left her far behind. Alone, she walked back to the town and her troupe, a sense of dread filling her as she drew closer. Once she arrived, the woman discovered to her horror that the fairy had simply slaughtered the nobleman's entire family, and anyone else who had tried to protect him or who happened to get in the way of the fairy's sword. Paralyzed with horror and guilt, the woman again did not see until it was far too late that the fairy was now charging towards her. And so he carried her off, heedless of all cries and protests.

It was years before the fairy grew bored and the woman managed to escape his clutches.

on being more assertive

So a couple things have happened recently that have really made me more aware of the fact that one of the things I really do need to work on is being more assertive - and especially, more assertive in saying NO when no is, in fact, what I really want to say. I decided to do a reading for some advice/perspective on the topic. With no particular spread in mind, ended up drawing two sets of pairs that really summed things up for me quite nicely.

Here, in the first pair of cards - and notice the fact that they are both twos, which to me seems to intensify the message - is essentially the crux of the reason why doing this, why being assertive and saying no when that is what I am thinking, is so hard for me. I like harmony. I like to get along with people. I want people to have a positive impression of me, to be on good terms with me, to think well of me. Even when this is a bit silly - when the person in question is a stranger who I am unlikely to see again, or someone I know who has already violated my trust or our relationship in some way - I STILL don't want and don't like conflict. It just seems so much easier to go along, to keep everything smooth and nice, to keep up the illusion that we are on the same page, great partners in whatever it is, etc.

But of course that second two, the reversed swords card, is telling me that this is a balance that isn't really balanced at all. This is me taking on the weight of being unhappy, dissatisfied, feeling like I've lost something, etc., for no good reason. This isn't really a sustainable way of going about things. The ideal of getting along grand with everyone, in all situations, just isn't a realistic one. When I go into these specific kinds of interactions, with that idea of keeping EVERYONE happy, what I am really doing is making the other person happy and making me frustrated with myself. And well - if the fact is that one person is going to be dissatisfied anyway, why should it be me and not the person who was trying to take advantage of me or whatever? So yeah, this is an idea I really need to work on letting go of - in some circumstances, it really is ok not to be accommodating, even to be a bit 'rude'.

Now here, in this second set, we have the 'solution' to my issue. This queen of wands really projects confidence, doesn't she? She sits perfectly comfortable in her throne, with that tall staff in one hand, the sunflower in the other. She has her tools, wields them with authority, knows how to do what needs to be done. A cat sits at her feet, which really compounds the message because - has there ever been a creature as self-assured as a cat? The message to be comfortable in my own skin, to be sure of myself, to trust intuition and my judgement and to not be afraid of externalizing that. Greater self-confidence would really help with this particular issue, I think. And if getting myself to feel that right away is a bit difficult? "Fake it till you make it" I believe the saying is?

Indeed, let go of whatever mental things would try to hold me back and just do it, leap into it, do not be afraid, so worried of offending or bothering, particularly when I KNOW that the person I am dealing with has no such concerns of their own. The sun in the fool card seems to be a reflection of the queen's sunflower and a stark constant to the moon in the 2 of swords - it has an eye, open, for knowledge, clear assessment of the situation, awareness, and its presence, like the Sun major, seems to speak of the potential for success. Just do it: No, I am sorry. No, I cannot. No, please leave. No, stop it. Just say it. Sometimes you really do just need to stop thinking and caring so much.

time to take the leap

"Today is your day, your mountain is waiting, so get on your way." 

-Dr. Seuss 

So yeah, today's the day, as this card clearly indicates. The fact that this fool's ledge is over water and I shall be flying across the Atlantic is a nice detail, I do say.

Next time I post in this blog, it shall be from Tunis. :D

And for fun, this is what I did with my luggage - my own fool's pack, much larger than his because...I am genetically unable to pack light even when I try, ha:

At least I shall instantly know which one is mine in baggage pickup!

sweet, sweet freedom

So after yesterday's long reading about how to approach all the many things I have to do, todays cards have quite a different message/focus for me:

Enjoy the newly regained freedom that comes with no longer being deluged with four classes worth of graduate schoolwork. Enjoy the intellectual freedom especially. Because on the one hand, yes, I do enjoy being challenged, being pushed to the limits of what I can do, having so much to read and write all the time that just keeping up with that takes up the vast majority of my brain power.

On the other hand though, after doing that from September to May...being free to just READ whatever I want, as much as I want...all those books I've had piling up around me...science fiction, fantasy, non-fiction about things I want to learn...now I can start making my way through them. It feels really nice to be able to jump into reading ANYTHING that I want to read because there is nothing that I HAVE to read.

It's nice to be able to watch episodes of TV shows online without feeling guilty because I am WASTING TIME that I ought to be using to get x, y, and z done. It's nice to have the option to work with some decks that require more reading/study, to work on my self-help books a bit, to actually properly sleep.

So yeah, obviously, as the previous reading focused on, there is a lot I still have to do and sort through as I [rather rapidly] move forward with things...but nonetheless. I think the message here is to have some patience with myself. Let myself rest, do a few things, silly things even, frivolous things, that make me happy. I like this 7 of pentacles because, rather than focus on the growing aspect of farming, like many decks do, it focuses on the harvest time, and a completed-harvest at that. A different kind of patience, a different kind of rest.

(Also, not sure how it could apply to me, but I rather like the theme of the dog in these two cards. The loyal companion, reliable source of comfort...sometimes it snips at your heals, warning you of danger. Sometimes it lies beside you, as ready for a rest as you are...)

So yeah, it's nice to have a bit more time for me again. :]

moving forward with the wheel....

many things spinning and moving, on the precipice of change...a definitely appropriate draw, here...

Yes, changing indeed. A school year is drawing to an end. If I can just get this one last THING done, a period of serious difficulty will mostly be drawing to a conclusion. My current living situation is going to be changing soon. The seasons are changing. My plans for the summer, for next year...so much flux, spin, uncertainty...

The concrete wheel at the forefront, the one made of gold, of things that you can shape, influence, perceive clearly...and behind it, in violent, the wider spinning, the cosmic wheel over which you have no power...the things, positive or negative, deserved or undeserved, that will simply happen... The rise and the fall, some things improving, and others deteriorating...always the spinning of wheels... Nothing can remain as it has been, static, for very long...

Still have those decisions to make, many of them. Have been moving forward and yet...slow-walking it, still uncertain, unable to concretely commit. It's the opportunity cost issue, really. WANTING something so badly and yet, uncertain that in going after it, I'm not giving up the chance to do something I might necessarily want, but which I perhaps NEED. And yet, feeling the chances of getting those needed things are so low anyway...

Jupiter and the Air. A time to fly into the wild, the unknown, the amazing. Perhaps...

You cannot dawdle forever, cannot try to stop the inevitable spinning. The fool, with his green garb, with his power of optimism, of faith in the new, says...just do it. Stop with the questions that have no real answers. Go with the flow of the forward movement. Make it yours, this unstoppable change; shape it. Make it what you want, and not what you would regret. Yes there is danger, of wrong decisions, of things blowing up in your face but...there is always danger, isn't there? Circular, oval rings here too, not a circle but more a spiral...you never quite get back to the same place that you were in, once you leave it and yet...you will return to a similar position, and perhaps the experiences that you gain as the fool will help you proceed forward in other ways as well, eventually, in ways that you cannot see currently...

Yes, a time to leap more enthusiastically. A time to commit, to stop second-guessing, to make my choice and just go with doing the things I need to do to make it happen. A time for prudence, pragmatism right now too. I MUST finish the things I still need to wrap up - that very late paper that has been murdering my brain, exam - and start on all the logistics of moving and packing and cleaning and trying to get things for myself done...so much to do in a short time, if I want commit to this possibility. So many flowers to gently enfold in leaves. Sun in Virgo...optimistic energy directed in pragmatic, material ways. Everyday matters that must be taken care of. Responsibilities and obligations to fulfill, roots to care for...

Questions and Quotes

Just a quick draw to familiarize with the new deck I shall be working with alongside of the Thoth for a while...pleasantly surprised tor realize that Light & Shadow tarot has definite Thothy influence, including astrology symbols on the minors. Shall be interesting to work with.

This pair of cards is very much...apropos to a lot of what's going on with me right now, as referenced in the previous post. Decisions that need to be made, possibilities in front of me, which in some moments are madly exciting and in other moments leave me feeling...afraid, lonely, deeply uncertain. Everything has opportunity costs, trade-offs, different proportions and weights of benefits and costs and how do you decide, how can you be sure of anything, really? How do you figure out what is reckless and what is amazing, and whether what you need is to take time to re-build your strength or to dig deeper, find what's already there? What happens when the different options each require a different kind of optimism, faith, a different kind of courage? When you are so very much exhausted by the things you must accomplish right now, and must somehow still try to make sense of all this? How do you decide?

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.”

- T.S. Eliot

“Come to the edge.”

“We can't. We're afraid.”

“Come to the edge.”

“We can't. We will fall!”

“Come to the edge.” 

And they came.

And he pushed them. 

And they flew.

- Guillaume Apollinaire   

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."

- Charles DuBois

what's possible

So today was kind of...interesting. See, I've been so swamped with things on my mind and things to do, that I forgot I was supposed to co-lead a discussion in one of my classes today. No problem, I thought when I realized this morning; I still had enough time to finish the reading and think up some appropriate questions. And then I realized one of the readings I was supposed to discuss wasn't uploaded online as it was supposed to be and...well, one thing led to another and suffice to say that I gave my professor the impression, in an email exchange, that I had done a good bit more reading than we were supposed to have done when in fact I had done a good bit less. And she called my bluff and, impressed at my 'initiative' asked me to do a mini-lecture on it for the class.

So I had about an hour and a half to familiarize myself with a rather long reading, select excerpts to hand out to the class, and analyze it enough to be able to discuss it meaningfully. Fortunately, I DID have the underlying skills to do this: the ability to speed read with comprehension, the ability to think critically and conceptually and make connections and get big idea discussion points in a very short period of time. To be able to draw out the most important ideas, connect them to previous ideas, intellectually synthesize, etc.

On the metro on my way to class, I drew a pair of cards for advice and one of them, the crux of the draw, was the Fool. Air element, optimism, freedom from worry and fret. The fool leaps with confidence into new things. The fool, with his shoes pointed upwards, is light and quick on his feet. The fool in green is full of energy. The fool, not bothered by the tiger, the crocodile...next to the butterfly, newly transformed... I knew exactly what this card was trying to tell me.You know what you want to to talk about, how to organize your ideas, so just...don't worry about how last minute your preparation was, don't worry about whether you know enough... just trust yourself. Trust that you can do well, and approach it with confidence, with a positive attitude. Just throw yourself into doing well. Go into the class believing that you can pull it off. And so I listened to the card, and I did it. I did just fine. No one, including the professor, questioned whether I knew what I was talking about, whether I had done the reading. The professor was pleased with the excerpts, my analysis, my discussion questions. I already had the underlying ability, and so I was able to pull it off, despite the tightness of the constraints. Because I walked in there with all the confidence of the Fool, it added to the impression everyone had that I knew what I was talking about. Possibility became reality.

This was actually a very good reminder for me, namely because pulling off difficult things is hardly over for me. In the next two weeks I have to write another memorandum for a difficult grader professor, write a twenty-five page research paper, work on two different group presentations, plus a whole bunch of arabic work and regular readings, and also keep going to work, and find some time to go to a dental clinic to try to get my tooth fixed at affordable cost, and until then do all of that while in constant pain/discomfort, and other non-school related things stressing me out and just...

I pulled another two cards this evening, in an improvised what to do/what not to do spread, and got the 7 of Swords for what not to do. Futility, giving up on yourself prematurely, letting false doubts cloud your mind. That middle sword serves as a center of gravity for the rest: you need a strong center, a confident center, something to anchor all the many projects and responsibilities you need to get done. This card has the moon in aquarius - the possibility of doubts, confusion, lunacy, illusion getting in the way of pure intellect, in the way of curiosity, originality, logical thought. If you let doubts knock that center of gravity out of balance, everything falls apart; if you can hang on, not let the moon skew things...anything is possible.

If today showed me anything, it's that academically at least, I can pull of a great very many things even in very constrained, very difficult circumstances. I have the ability, the skill. If I can put away self-doubt, if I can overcome distraction, the despairing fear of failure, futility - if I can channel the fool, the blind certainty of conviction - I CAN do this. I can get what I need to get done. Haven't I proven already to myself, again and again, what I can do?

So yes, avoid the faulty logic of 7 of Swords, channel the Fool's energy and confidence, and get to work. Aquarius, Air signs, Possibility. So much is possible if don't let your mind convince you otherwise...

Thothy wisdom from yesterday

So, have been doing various short readings and quick draws for myself with the Thoth lately, because this deck and me are getting on amazingly well. Though I'd type up some bits of Thothy wisdom from hier...

So how many times do we find ourselves in situations where we get nervous, or anxious or stressed about something, and a lot of that feeling really stems from a kind of self-doubt? For me at least, this is totally not uncommon. Self-doubt, and where does that come from? Sometimes it's about longstanding insecurities, but even those, if you dig deeper...a lot of the time there is an external connection. A situation that you, yourself really are sure is cool, but yet you can't help but think how it might sound to others if you tried to describe it. Or something a part of you is sure you can do, accomplish, manage, yet you can't help but think of how others might question you. Perhaps someone directly has said something to you, and that sets you off, questioning yourself. Or even better: once, years ago,  someone said something and ever since then, internalized self-doubt niggles relating to whatever it was that they said. Can you do it? Can you handle yourself? Is this really ok?

In a kind of situation like yesterday, and so I drew some cards, and got these - very approrpiate advice, really. The 9 of wands for strength: let those arrows pierce through that cloud of questioning, questioning...sun and moon, uniting the concious mind, the unconcious. Conciously, you know you can do it, but when you start questioning yourself its not so hard to talk yourself into thinking that maybe you cannot. Instinctively, deep down where you REALLY know yourself, you know you can do it. Push through all the mental noise. Find your inner strength, and the confidence that goes with that. Let it rise upwards, upwards, filling your mind, your thoughts and thereby, your actions. Hold onto that feeling, let is strengthen you, support you. And then? Go for it: leap into whatever it is that you are facing. Go boldly, go optimistically, go full of energy and readiness to try new things. I actually quite like the Thoth Fool...very dense, and I'm still learning all of the symbolism but...the green, for spring, for new things, and those upwardly pointed shoes - he is full of weightlessness, unburdened, ready to go. Butterflies for transformation, self-transformation. The danger of the tiger and the crocodile is there, sure, very real, and yet nonetheless...

Actually, that whole danger aspect brings to mind another card that came up in a different draw. The 5 of Swords, defeat. Defeat, failure, things going terribly wrong. Its a terribly disheartening feeling, when we try something and fail...and in fact, fear of defeat, feat of ending up stuck in that pentagram of broken swords and dying rose petals, can stop us from doing so much. But what if I fail? What if I make a fool of myself? What if they all hate me?

For me personally, a lot of that is also about...proving things to myself. I'm always trying to prove to myself that I'm good enough to do x and y, and conversly, fear that I will show myself to be incompetent or not good enough if I am "defeated" at this or that. But the thing is, this card showes, sometimes it really, really is worth risking it. First of all, because it truth most of us don't fail nearly as often as we fear that we will, and secondly...because sometimes defeat is NECESSARY. The pain of it can be a learning experience, a very useful one. See the light shining in this card, behind all those swords and rose petals? Yes, light, possibility, moving beyond the defeat and being a better person because of it. Learning to lose gratefully, to take failure in stride, to handle defeat with a certain kind of perspective, is very valuable: Ok, so I lost here; it happens. This doens't make me a worthless person. I made some mistakes. Let me analyze those and think about how I can avoid them in the future. What steps can I take to improve my performance going forward?/ What have I learned about my environment from this? What have I lost, and was some of it actually perhaps worth losing?

So yes. Good to work on: finding the strength and confidence to face difficult things about which you are uncertain - to take them on with all the spirit of the Fool, and to not fear so much the possibility of defeat, because even in that there is something to learn, to take away.

thoughts on the marrakech

So I don't ordinarily comment at length/write up a whole post when switching between reading decks...but since the Marrakech isn't one of the easily available mass market decks that everyone and their ma has a copy of, and since i got it with specific reasons and expectations, I though I'd have a go at it in this case.

This is another one of those instances where I pick cards I feel are appropriate rather than pull them and interpret... See, I think what this deck does with the Fool is rather interesting. There are two fool cards in the deck...both have a reinterpretation of the classic symbolism, the man on a journey (though interesting that he isn't a youth!), scorpions and snakes at his feet instead of a dog, a hyena lurking in the background...danger, danger but also that sun and the rainbow, hope, optimism, opportunity awaiting. In one card, he is entering a veil, in the other leaving it...the beginning and end of some kind of journey, then? Running towards vs. from something? Seeing clearly ahead vs behind? Many ways to interpret this. My mind goes to the symbolism of oroboros again - all beginnings have an end, all ends are in their own way a new beginning.

I also like this take on the wheel. I looked up the meaning of Mektoub, and essentially it is the idea of fate, predestination, so it is written, so it will be. But yes, it fits here, the idea that larger wheels spin, things always moving and changing and sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse and you roll with it. I like the utter ridiculousness of the imagery - that sometimes things just happen and sometimes they are and you cannot explain it, cannot make logical sense of the why, why is this happening to me, it just IS this is where you ARE right now. But it's all on the back of an elephant, who moves forward, change, motion, always.

Yes, it's an interesting deck, especially the majors. Those I very much like, and there is a lot of food for thought even though they aren't very busy. The use of primary colors by and large is striking. Love the North African influence of the art. The courts...I don't quite know how I feel about those. The deck plays around with ethnicities (arabs, asians, indian, white) but there doesn't seem to fully by a rhyme or reason to it (as in, it doesn't go by the suits) and...yeah. The minors are not very illustrated or expressive...less approachable than even regular marseilles minors I'd say. I can see them giving people used to reading with illustrated minor decks trouble for sure. Actually, though, I must say I was pleasantly surprised at how well I was able to read them. Apparently my style for such is a mish-mash of relating to majors and number meanings and suit meanings and traditional rws meanings and marseille tradition meanings all wrapped together depending on context and accompanying cards and it...works for me, and makes me realize just how much I've progressed as a reader in the last few years.

So yeah, interesting deck. I like it, but I do admit its more an intellectual like than that kind of gut reaction, instinctive/intuitive type like. Will definitely work with it some more in the future. For now, going to continue with Thoth, whose awesomeness I am realizing more and more, and also, I think, with the Fey, another pretty recent acquisition of mine :]

academic advice again

Well, I did a reading a while back for advice on an academic paper I'd needed to write, and liked how that well. Have something else I need to finish by the end of the month - not strictly for school, more like an article/entry to [hopefully] be published in this upcoming encycolopedia o' terrorism thing, so important - and figured it'd be useful to use the same spread/reading idea. Basically two pairs - the first pair for advice as to process, the second for advice as to content.

So here, in the first pair, I see, well - useful if unsurprising advice. One of those *prod prod* type messages from the cards. In the lovers card I see the need for synthesis - to combine the creativity and inspiration of the Empress with the discipline and organization of the Emperor. I can create/write up something awesome, can do this successfully, but I need to really channel BOTH of those energies. As in, not random ideas and disorganized outline like I have now but really sit down and force myself to WORK on it. Discipline, more deliberate effort. This is emphasized by the fool - stop procrastinating, because in this case the procrastination isn't borne of laziness but rather of self-doubt, nervousness, the fact that writing something that's to be PUBLISHED, and not just for school, is intimidating. Have confidence, or at least an optimistic attitude, channel that carefree energy of the Fool, and JUST DO IT ALREADY. It's not that long of a project. Just. Get. To. It. Think of it as a sort of intellectual adventure if that makes it easier. Lots of positive potential in these cards, but really calls for deliberate work/action on my part to follow through on this opportunity.

Ok, so content-wise, again, as last time, this makes a lot of sense. I'm doing my entry on this former Chechen President/alleged terrorist figure (don't want to use the name because don't want it possibly popping up in google searches associated with my tarot blog, lol /paranoia) and basically...part of my own view of him, and something I am trying to get across even in the context of a medium that calls for OBJECTIVITY in writing...

Well the strength card, represents earlier part of his involvement in the conflict pretty well. He played a major role in the success of the Chechen seperatists in the first war, both in terms of being chief of staff of the chechen military and in terms of playing a major role in being a pragmatic negotiator with the Russians in making the peace. He wasn't an extremist, but a nationalist, who wanted peace but also wanted Chechnya to be its own country. Of course, he wasn't successful either my force or my more peaceful means in dealing with all the problems in the country as President, and the whole idea of the snake lurking there, and playing with fire...during the second war he was increasingly allied to the wahhabist/terrorist extremists like basayev and khattab et al. Did call for holy war, made moves to institutionalize some semblence of shariah law...arguabely forced to by the situation, increasingly loss of control, rise of influence of the extremist salafists and criminal gangs and russian intractability but...on the other hand...and here's where the moon card really comes in: was he, when it comes down to it, a violent terrorist like the Russians claim? Did he in fact implicitly condone acts of terror like the theatre seige and beslan and all the suicide bomb attacks? Or was he a moderate forced into increasingly difficult/impossible position my extremists on both sides of the conflict? When you look at the atrocities and war crimes Russian forces committed with impunity in Chechnya... and up until his death he was still trying to call for ceasefires and negotiation...but was that done out of lingering moderate impulses or the desperation of his position?

Much room for interpretation, debate. Various sources say vastly different things...must find a nice, academic, objective way of trying to convey all this in ~1000 words along with all the basic biographical information

And yeah, again, this was quite useful use of the cards :]
Interesting too, that it was all majors that came up this time...

My Favorite Majors: The Fool

Ok, so as one of those kooky folks with an ever-expanding collection of tarot decks which, when you think about it, is far more decks than i'll ever really NEED... one of the major draws to this particular brand of madness is the art, for me. Collect decks because they are pretty, because each artist has different take on those same images, and you really to learn more about tarot when your mind is challenged by...how is this card same/different in this deck than that one and so on.

Now, I have my favorite and less favorite decks to be sure, but I thought it would be an interesting excercise to try to force myself to pick a favorite CARD, of each of the major arcana, from among my deck collection. As a way to make myself think a bit more about individual cards, what makes me choose this or that as the best, etc. So, a favorite, and runner up.

Since this would make an over-long and probably tedious both to write and to read single post, shall do as a series or whatnot. So, without further ado...

0. Fool                                                                                           

Favorite:
Before getting this deck, I really hadn't given the Fool all that much thought, honestly. It wasn't one of my most favorite majors in just about any deck, but it wasn't one of those that often gave me trouble reading either. The idea of doing three fools in the style of Crowley's three magi, though? BRILLIANT. The more I work with this deck and think about this idea, the more I love it. And unlike the Thoth, this isn't about aesthetics...the whole maiden/mother/crone fool thing...conceptually awesome, awesome.

I especially adore this, the Crone Fool. She's done this before, this walking off the cliff thing. Perhaps its inevitable. Perhaps she's still expecting something new to happen. Perhaps she doesn't care anymore. Perhaps she KNOWS now, all about those barely visible (especially on scans! UV effect in this deck is awesome) wings, there. I just love the nuance and depth of interpretation here, the expressiveness of the fool, her dog...and especially the color composition of this card. Visually it's amazing. I could really just stare and stare at this card all day. Really hands down, for me personally, best Fool card in any deck that I own.

Runner Up:
And this is, also easily, my second favorite. I love the Sun and Moon tarot. It's such an underappreciated little thing - a lot of people take issue with the cardstock, it seems which...ok, yeah, it wouldn't win any ease-of-shuffling awards, to be honest. But nonetheless that is so worth dealing with for the amazing images. I love the facelessness of the little 'potato-head' people, the universality of their forms, and the color again in the deck is so...bold, strong, compelling. And it has a multi-ethnic feel to it I really enjoy as well.

The simplicity of this fool card, the way it so easily embodies the essential meaning of the card...the bright blue sky, the shining sun, the way a TIGER is trying to stop him and a crocodile waits below the clifff, the swirling of the butterfly, his staff...the energy and optimism and potential but also the danger, thoughtlessness, blindness, all so easily interpretable...and aesthetically, the getup of this fool makes me smile every time, ha.