short insights/free associations

So I suppose this idea is somewhere between a proper reading and just a free association exercise. Instead of shuffling the cards and drawing in my usual particular way, I just kind of spilled the deck onto my bed and mixed the cards around in circles and then just...picked three at random. Idea to write short fragments/insights for each that come to mind, but in relation to me rather than in the abstract...

What's funny is that before I trimmed them, the minors in this deck had Thoth titles - which I thought was a bit off since they are really mostly RWS based but since I've been working with the Thoth so much lately, they kind of come to mind anyway now...

Interference in this case, and yes. Feeling tied and very very stuck in certain situations and with certain issues, which theoretically I could free myself from yes except that...well, somehow that never works out, regardless of my intentions...years and years and years and somehow that never works out. The thing with these situations, which I think this card really captures, is that it isn't always as in the traditional RWS image with the woman blindfolded and simply unwilling to see how she could cut her bindings loose and leave...no, sometimes it just feels like this, in which you can see the situation quite clearly and yet, puppet strings controlling you, other factors and you just cannot seem to be able to take the proper actions...watching yourself, your body do the same old...a certain sense of disreality, disconnection, being there but not properly, not really because those strings attached, always those strings, interfering with any effort to get past that circle of swords and it gets so frustrating and you grow so detached...

I've written about this card before, the Prince (RWS knight) of pentacles...feel a particular connection with him yes, and I love the illustration here, the chariot driven by the taurus bull, such a solid, reliable animal, determined, pulling through anything. My approach to life in so many contexts. A certain stubbornness with positive connotations because you see, I may be indecisive sometimes, lack some confidence but once I commit to something - no matter what else is going on, what other kinds of problems I am having, if I am supposed to get something done I cannot let myself fail, must try to get it done and well.  I tend to commit myself to many things because its a kind of forced accountability, forced productivity, so I still do this blog and join/create reading circles on AT and set little goals for myself and try to get all my school work done and work and this isn't even the busiest I've ever been, not at all, and if in the middle of it those 8 swords problems are still so very much there and something else happens on top of that? So what, proceed proceed, must keep trudging our way forward, somehow...

Again I quite like the imagery...we have the monkey, sure, climbing up, improving and growing, achieving; the sphinx at the top, ruling over what it has, powerful; and the crocodile falling down, destroying, things all going to hell. Thothy influence indeed, in the majors. The wheel spins, sure, cycles and changes, but what I really like here is that fact that the wheel is a cog, gears and cogs and it is not one wheel but many, each going in its own cycle of up and down and around. This is exactly how life tends to be: how often do things line up so that everything is on an upward trend, or doing find, or even yes, falling apart? For me it's usually...some aspect has gotten a bit better, and in another area I am on top of things, have just succeeded, while in a third something stunningly unfortunate has just occurred and the trick of it is to somehow address all three of those facts in an appropriate manner. It can be confusing if it really is that much of a juxtaposition: so am I supposed to feel excited right now, or proud, or sad and a bit betrayed?  On the other hand, keeping this in mind can also be rather helpful - if on the one hand, the wheel seems to be spinning downwards for you, well, it helps to look around at what other wheels are also spinning - surely some are cycling towards better things, or are still at that peak. Everything changes, but at different paces and rates and for different reasons. So many different fortunes intertwined...

(And uh, on reflection, I guess this wasn't so "short" after all...I do have a tendency to ramble, don't I?)