tarot's take on some nerdiness

So recently, some friends have drawn me into the nerdy cliche that is the world of Dungeons and Dragons. Very unsurprisingly, I quite like it. Due to difficulty (different cities, conflicting schedules) of playing in person, I've recently joined a game online. Character building, story telling, writing, lots of fun and silly dice...whats not to love?

The idea of using tarot to help flesh out a fictional character is one that's been floating around my head for a while, and this seems to be a perfect opportunity to do so, using the one I've made for this roleplay game, so.

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Shedding some light on Iara Carnagos, Tiefling Wizard (Mage)

I. Crux of the character's strengths:

Restriction, restraint, interference: the woman in this image is tied up and held still, both by her physical bindings and by constraints of her mind - the self-doubt, or fear, or hopeless resignation.

One does not necessarily think of this card as a source of strength, but if can be. Restraint, restraint. So many things that you could do if you were willing to pick up one of those swords... In the D&D universe, in this edition at least, Tieflings are of a demonic heritage, their ancestors having made some kind of pact with demons. They can make things burns, have tails and variously shaped horns. Many are known for being all kinds of destructive and evil.

This character of mine...she had a twin brother once, who chose to go down that path. She did not, and ended up killing him in what was mostly self-defense...a pivotal moment for her. She is chaotic, random, capricious, but she is not evil - there is a line she will not let herself cross, though she could; there are actions she simply will not take, even when refusing puts her in a quite difficult situation. She will even, on the rare occasion, actively refuse to let someone else do so.

In the everyday too...she puts up the facade of being impatient and impulsive, and do some degree that may be true, but...anything of real importance, she does consider, weigh, wait if she must. Restraint, restriction, a much bigger part of how she interacts with the world than most would realize, than she would like anyone to know and...a vital part of what could be called her better nature.

II. Crux of the character's weaknesses:

The juggler hops around, foot to foot, two coins to balance, two boats on two waves to choose between - always moving, juggling, flitting about.

The character too. Class-wise, she is a mage that focuses on both pyromancy and illusion, both blasting attacks and controlling/debuffing powers. A focus on purely one of the other could potentially be more powerful, but how could she commit herself like that?

Otherwise too - she flits from group to group, short relationship to one even shorter, job to job, town to town. Tries this and that, grows bored, moves onto something else. Worked mercenary jobs involving use of knives even though that does nothing to advance her primary abilities. Studied under several wizards even though these kinds of arrangements are not ideal - some wizards only acquiescing to idea of temporary apprentice for cold hard cash.

This lack of commitment, lack of focus and attention, in so many aspects of her life...certainly it is limiting, in many ways.

III. The character's fears:

The queen sits comfortably in her domain, with her wand, her flower, her cat. She is self-possessed and confident in her place. What could one fear here?

Iara does not have or want any of these things. She has not stayed in one place for any significant amount of time since she was sixteen. She does not keep pets, or gardens, does not care for fancy robes and does not hold onto many possessions at all - in fact, one could almost call her an ascetic in the latter regard. Keep few things you do not need, be willing to let those go and start anew too, if you must.

Her friendships and flings do not last more than a few months or weeks, nor do her working partnerships and teams. And why is that?

Fear of that kind of domestication, of a place where you feel safe and things that comfort you and people you trust and feel close to. The more you have the more of a shock it is when the world starts to spin and shake and everything starts falling apart around you. The more you have, the more there is that you cannot control. If you have nothing, just your physical body, your skills, your knowledge and magic...there is so much less that can be taken from you, so much less of a chance to feel helpless.

IV. The character's hopes:

The Hanged Man rest upside down, in some ways resembling a butterfly in its cocoon, waiting in stasis as it develops and transforms. In other ways he can be seen as a mirror of Odin, hanging in sacrifice, losing something to gain more. Perhaps a useless sacrifice, needless waiting around when movement is needed.

This character certainly hopes that all of her work will be a worthwhile sacrifice, that all the hours studying and reading dusty tomes, and all the times and gold she spent with her various masters will pay off.

She hates reading, only went to school as long as she did because her twin hated it even more and quit it - she wanted to show that she had more self-control, or something. She never reads but for the magic books, for what other way is there of learning, always learning and it is just a task sometimes, flipping through so many pages as her mind wonders, another job or adventure tempts... there were other paths to magic, ones that would have been easier for someone of her temperament but she chose this one and yes, she hopes it will be worthwhile, utterly so.

IV. Crux of the character, a snapshot:

The man in the eight works, creates, engraves and molds with care for his work, though it may not be easy at times, is his craft, and his love, and his calling.

Perhaps a compulsive wanderer, perhaps not the biggest fan of the book learning to which she is obliged, perhaps a lot of things but what it comes down to: love of this lifestyle. Love of uncertainty and risk, love of seeing new places to explore, new people to work with or fuck or taunt, without the 'burden' of knowing you might know them long enough to get attached. Love of adventure and jobs and quests.

Most of all, though, the love of magic. Wonder - she can still remember the day as I child, when she first saw magic being done. Her and her brother both, a rare moment of utter unison. Pure, sheer, stunned wonder because what could be more beautiful, more awesome, than magic? She knew from her first glimpse at it that magic is what she wanted to do, her calling as it were, and though attention to it may have wavered, that certainty never did. For all that may change and all the tedious work learning might involve, nothing can touch the feeling of pure inner joy she gets when she summons a fireball, makes something change color, uses a trick to get someone to say yes where otherwise the answer would certainly be a no.

advice about another blog

So, writing the answer post last night got me thinking a bit, and I decided to start using a new tag on this blog: free-form reading. Going to use this for readings that are meant to be more in-depth/focused than the 'quick draw' or 'day draw', ie. just randomly pulling a few cards, but in which I do not use any kind of formal spread and let the cards just sort themselves out as they will. As I wrote, with certain decks I sometimes like not being beholden to any predetermined card positions, and figured I might as well systematize that a bit here.

That said, I decided to do such a reading to get some advice about an idea I've been pondering - restarting the Arabic writing blog I hate created over the summer and abandoned soon thereafter.

I.

A fairly unconventional portrayal of the Emperor, wearing a dress and a mask. His real face is turned away, gazing towards the background. We see there a silhouetted scene, a two sides of a precipice connected by a carefully constructed bridge. It was proper planning, organization and management that allowed that bridge to be built. Now he leans on a sword, something to steady him as he looks beyond the horizon, still supervising.

The long view, organization and discipline. This is the crux of why I am thinking of the blog. I was a bit ahead of many of my classmates even before I went to Tunisia, on account of having studied Arabic several years ago; even if you have forgotten most in the meantime, coming at something for a second time really does make it easier. I expected to be ahead last fall and I was - and still am, even with a new professor who is noticeably stricter and better at teaching. I understand concepts faster and am much more comfortable with many of the grammar structures and have noticeably more vocabulary. Part of it I think too is the age difference - being older and more experienced and having a bit of a different attitude towards classes and learning...

That being said, I KNOW that one of the best ways for me to practice, improve and remember things is by writing. Unfortunately, writing assignments longer than a paragraph or so are rather rare indeed. If I could discipline myself to do it on my own, I would gain much. Of course, the Emperor also points out my weakness in such thing - being organized in making time to keep doing it, not getting distracted. I know it would help build up my language skills further, but can I get the proper grip on myself? I tend to start projects and then...take ages to finish them... *cough*thatLenormandIwantto*cough*

II.

The Queen of Cups, like the rest of the courts in this deck, is freed from the constraints of typical imagery. There are no thrones for these folks, no horses or chariots. Instead we see more natural habitats. The Queen is depicted under water, as comfortable beneath the waves as most people are above them. She carries a cup, unselfconsciously enjoying herself, being where she belongs.

Writing has long been my comfort zone - the thing I feel I am good at, the best way to work through complicated thoughts and emotions, me at my most eloquent. Apparently this extends to all languages - when I studied French I liked writing essays, and even in Polish, where my spelling is rather terrible...what I write tends to sound far more sophisticated than my typical speech.

I like writing, learning, challenging myself intellectually. Intuitively, this does feel like a good idea, something I want to do.

III.

Whereas the majors in the Silicon Dawn by and large hew to the RWS tradition, the minors are quite noticeably more Thothy - a common theme in several Thoth inspired decks, come to think of it... In any case, the image here very much calls back to the 6 of Cups in the Thoth, titled Pleasure. We see a figure, half woman half sea serpent, her upper body in almost the same posture of enjoyment as the Queen. The cups here vary - beer pitchers, water glasses, coffee mugs; it all mixes together below. Pleasure can take many forms - the crux is her, at the center, reaching towards the light.

In terms of how to approach this project, this card advises me not to take things so seriously. Yes, in the grand scheme of things it is about building language skills, being methodical and organized in my learning, the understanding that if you really want something it is about more than just the time you spend in the classroom...but that basis does not mean I have to be Super Serious in how I go about it. It is not, after all, homework. It is not an assignment of any sort. The Arabic blog is for me, and we all know it is much easier to stick to doing something if you actually like doing it. The reason I am still writing in this here tarot blog is because I enjoy blogging about tarot cards.

So if I want to rant about the world, if I want to write silly short stories and fictional character studies, if I want to write about tarot cards even (which is another idea that has definitely crossed my mind), I can. I can include pictures, prompts, whatever. This is for me, and why not be as silly and random and self-indulgent with it as I want? As long as I am writing, I am doing things right.

IV.

Summarizing the reading up we have the first of the three 'official' Fools in the deck. The image is all black and white, its perspective jarring. This fool is a mere sketch, not even properly inked - so very tentative and yet already she is jumping off of that cliff into the unknown and uncertain. The similarly newly-sketched dog behind her yaps. You cannot see it on the scan, but the actual card subtly shows that even this first, virgin leap is not so wild an act as it may seem. Like the other fools this one too has wings, only visible when the card is held at a certain angle; in fact, the UV effect covers all of the woman, the dog, the cliff. Just sketched in they may be but they are, in that way, more real and solid than anything else...

There are three fools in this deck and yet it was this one that came up: the first, the youngest, the seemingly just barely there it. My Arabic too, in many ways, is like this. A year ago what I could write was so simple - short sentences, a few at a time.There were so many thoughts and ideas I just did not have the vocabulary to even begin to try to express. Even after years of study, language is such a tricky thing. The Polish I don't think I could ever really forget, though ability might deteriorate... though my English is far better, it was in fact the first language I learned to speak. French, though - I spent six semesters in college actually LEARNING it, after three years in high school spent going to classes learning not much at all. I can still understand when people speaking it, can watch programs and read news articles and get the gist. When I try speaking...Arabic words come out of my mouth. I struggle to find the French. My mother has the same thing...as a schoolgirl she studied Russian for years, and now when she goes to the hospital she gets her medical care at the nurses speak to her in Russian and she comprehends but responds in English because after living in America for twenty six years the Russian words no longer come. You can spend so much time learning and then watch it all spill out of your head again from disuse...

Tentative then, both my abilities and my confidence or comfort with them, but perhaps more solid than I think. Perhaps solid enough that I can engage in a writing blog where I am accountable to no one but myself, where I can go on about anything at all just because I want to. Perhaps it is time for me to take the leap and commit myself to trying. Let us rush and fall and fly.

Being the Logical Fool

I must say - both of these cards rather appeal to me on aesthetic-conceptual level. I love how the fool is shown from a forward perspective, angled so that you can see the expression, the smile, the look of careless freedom at the edge of the cliff. As for the Queen here...well, we have the queen associated with logic and thinking with what looks like a cancer symbol in the background, and a moon at her feet. I am a Cancer who was born on a Monday, who has long associated with the logic of this court in particular. Resonate it does indeed.

The message I see in this particular pairing is something I've been thinking on as of late - the idea of living life as the fool might, but tempered with logic, with reason. To me that means being willing to cut away the things and people and situations that aren't working for you, as soon as you identify the problem and figure out some viable courses of action, rather than letting it fester and fester because change can be so very painful and hard, or you feel guilty, or unsure of yourself, or whatever. It's about taking some risks and doing things you want to do, even if other people might consider them crazy, unwise, bizarre - as long as you think through why you want them, how you will approach them, how to ensure a level of safety that is acceptable to you, can reasonably be achieved.

Not about hasty decisions per se, but more about...think things out, yes. Weigh the pros and cons. Consult with people who have expertise, or whose opinions you trust. But once you figure out what to do, what would be best....just do it. If life seems intolerable the way it is now, figure out the least bad option for trying to change things and go for it. Perhaps things might fall apart, get worse before they get better. But it will be a change at least, yes? Something different.

In retrospect, I have no regrets about my tendency, in recent years, of moving around three different cities, different apartments, applying to schools and using loan money to go on trips to other countries in large part because I couldn't stand the way things were and wanted a change - yes, those weren't really addressing the underlying issues, but well - a change indeed. I've seen more places than I would have if I had just stayed put, tried to deal with the same old kind of unhappy. I have seen and I have learned.

Life is too short, and too full of tragedy - disasters natural and man-made, illness and loss - that you have no control over to spend it stuck at a job that you hate, in a relationship that makes you miserable, seeing a doctor who doesn't listen, whatever. Yes, sometimes circumstances really do make those very very difficult to change - but sometimes not, sometimes not nearly as much so as we let ourselves think.

When that voice tells you that the idea in your head is silly, unnecessary, extravagant, selfish, impossible - use logic, and ask, "but is it, is it really?"

significance of vivid dreams

I've always had occasional instances of dreams that are...particularly vivid, extended, detailed. I remember these dreams long after I wake up, unlike the usual dreams that fade away, except for perhaps bits and pieces, a few hours after waking. In fact, they stay with me almost like...memories, in their realness, memories of a dream flashing across my consciousness even a day or two afterwards. In the past, these almost only ever happened when I  stayed in bed hours longer than my body really needs...

Lately though, they've been happening more frequently, and without any over-sleep on my part. I decided to pull some cards about...the significance of this, what to make of it, what to do with it, whatever. The first card to come up was the Queen of Cups, which I admit seeps rather apt, given the issue. She holds a cup in her hands, out of which a butterfly is flying out. A bit of whimsy there - this card can stand for dreams, but also sometimes psychic influences...to me the butterfly would seem to say that this isn't really to do with the latter, which given the subject matter of the dreams, rather makes sense. Not a message for me about the future or any such, but rather...the butterfly, transformation, whimsy, flight. Behind her we see a beautiful dawn or dusk sky, a tree and some hills that look as if they came from a painted picture. Creativity there, no, artistry? The dawn sky, the same red-orange palette as we see on the queen herself, and her surroundings...it reminds me of a part of the most recent of my dreams. Towards the end, I found myself in a place that a dream enemy had called the 'pink world' a sort of narrow strip between two far larger dimensions, a place with narrow streets and low-strung buildings. The streets were dusty when we walked and the sky, the sky in this place was always and only ever that color, the red-orange-pink shades of dusk and dawn...

The Empress next to the queen clarifies this further, for me. Again we have the emphasis on creativity, on creation, on nurturing. I am reminded of how much of a vivid imagination I have, have always had, how intensely and rapidly and visually it likes to work. Give me a word and I can write you a story off the top of my head. Sometimes I'll tell or hear a funny joke or read something amusing and laugh far longer than anyone else, simply because I cannot get the very vivid IMAGE of that idea out of my head....

These dreams don't feel like normal dreams because they aren't really about fantasies or fears of mine but rather - they feel like stories. Like being in a book or a movie or a video game. The latest one even had point of view shifts and interludes - there were parts where I had an omniscient narrator view and other times when I was a character with limited knowledge, only the vague shadow of an idea that there was so much more going on that I wasn't aware of... These dreams have characters and worlds and a plot, all the structures of a complex story. Childhood adventures in a castle filled with magical relics but also high tech elevators; magical powers tied to trinkets like pig shaped piggy banks that must be carefully guarded; an attack, a dream-father calling forth waves only to have someone else, far more powerful, summon lightening - the image of an entire beach full of water electrified, death by electric shock borne by tides coming towards us; learning of another dimension, ying and yang; losing the father and the guide in an inter-dimensional space made up of black void and dimly glowing white walls of a maze and terribly powerful rushing water, inky black; taking refuge after, desperately confused, in the dawn-sky place....

I have a lot of imagination and creative, even artistic inclination in me. But the fact is, I rather deliberately chose to go into a field, in academia and hopefully professionally after that, that requires very little of those - that is to say, only in a very disciplined, controlled context. A bit of creativity and imagination can lead to a stronger, more original analysis; writing skill can be adjusted and tweaked to provide good academic work as well as good creative work. The stories, though, the characters, the worlds, the colors and images...so much of that has no use here.

I read about genocides and war crimes, write papers about counter-terrorism measures and preventing the use of sexual violence as a weapon of war and economic analysis of sub-state violence and this and that, and I enjoy my work, I do. When I am feeling particularly overwhelmed by personal/mental difficulties, focusing on that is just about all I can manage anyway. Apparently though, when I start to feel even a bit better...it isn't enough, to work only on that, no matter how much I enjoy it. My mind wants to do creative things too. Stories, art, poems, something. So it comes out in dreams - unusual, interesting, sometimes distracting dreams. I suppose it would make sense to make some time for purely creative pursuits in my life, even if it does feel very full right now with other tasks, responsibilities.

tricky balance - logic and intuition

So to be honest, much as I love it overall, the court cards are my least favorite part of this deck, and really, excepting the knights, possibly among my least favorite of courts in general. There's just something about the people in them that...doesn't do much for me...

That said, we have the Queen of Swords and the Moon. The Queen is bathed in a kind of blue light, illuminated from the crown of her head, her mind - she is of course ruled by logic, the element of air.  Sharp-minded, perhaps a bit of a cynic, perhaps molded in some ways by past suffering, willing to be ruthless when necessary, the fan in her hand made up of daggers... And what does such a queen do when confronted by the kind of situation represented by the Moon card? So much uncertainty, fog, indecision, muddle-mindedness, deception, lies, mental instability...so many questions and so few clear answers...

On the one hand, logic can be useful, a knife to cut through that fog with, to organize a response, make some kind of path to follow. Logic can give you something to ground yourself with when emotions feel like something too tricky, something you cannot trust. Subjective-you feels so confused, upset, scared - so fine, do the objectively logical thing, whatever that is, yes.

That can be a weakness too, though - sometimes our gut instinct, our emotional response, is just as valid as any attempt at logic...not least because no one, no matter how much they may say they identify with the queen or king of swords, is really divorced from their feelings. Actually, looking at these two together, I'm reminded of a certain book I haven't read in its entirety but have read various parts and excerpts. It's called The Gift of Fear and basically the author's assertion throughout is that sometimes, some situation just instinctively feels wrong. Something scares you, makes your feel uncomfortable, creeped out, whatever. And in the moment, there may not be ANY logical reason you can think of for your feelings - that logical part of your brain simply cannot work quickly enough to catch up to what your intuition already feels. Yet, if you allow yourself to 'logic away' those negative emotions...well, in worst-case scenarios, can lead to some major danger indeed...

Even in less extreme situations, sometimes your intuition, emotions, instinct, have important messages that your really should listen to. I think that more logic-inclined folks sometimes have this tendency - which I certainly have been guilty of - of believing that that 'logical' approach is [almost] always superior. After all, logic is clear. You can lay it out, explain, draw on external validation whereas 'this is just the way I feel' can seem so...insubstantial. And yet...time and place for everything; how you feel about something IS important, too.

So yes, drawback and benefits both, to the Queen of Swords approach. Worthwhile to keep that in mind...

owning your difference

So first of all - over the last few months, though I've been working with a number of decks, quite a bit of my tarot has been with the Thoth. I usually don't work with a single deck for so long, but I really connected with that one. I think it's time, now, for me to put reading/study of that deck aside for a bit. Since I have been having less time for Tarot here in Tunisia generally, going to shift to really working with only one deck at a time, for a week or two at a time.

This week I've started with my Russian Victorian Romantic. Even though it's only my second day with it, I'm already reminded of why this deck is so high up on my favorites - each draw I've done so far has been insightful, relevant, deeply evocative...

Today, part of a larger spread was these two cards. In the first, the seven of wands, we see a man with a bayonet in his grasp, clearly at odds with the rest of the world. Sometimes, I think, this card really can stand for outright confrontation, but it can also just recall a more general 'me vs. the world feeling': the feeling of not belonging, of being an outside, the 'other' - of always having your hackles up because on some level, if the questions is 'with' or 'against', you would not fall into the 'with' category...

Sometimes the not belonging feeling is more general, more dramatic, and clearer. What comes to mind for me right now, of course, is the experience of living in a foreign country, and especially a country where the language, culture, and general standards of living are significantly different from what you are used to. To a degree, I suppose, vacation/tourism type travel gives you a taste of that feeling, but those trips tend to be shorter...the difference you feel is fleetingly exotic, daily activities often planned, and [for more middle class of higher type trips at least] the accommodations and amenities are very much arranged to maximize your sense of familiarity and comfort.

I've traveled abroad in the past, but before there was always at least some degree of that...traveling in a group, staying in hotels, or traveling alone but visiting family, or traveling with family, etc. Here, I am staying in a regular apartment in a middle class neighborhood in a suburb of Tunis. I take the public train to my language school, or when I want to explore, and taxis to places that are more difficult to get to. I walk. I shop for groceries at the corner store or the weekly trip to the large Carrefour, the equivalent of a Walmart here. My french is rusty but enough to mostly get by, and my arabic is improving but since I'm not learning the Tunisian dialect really, and Egpytian dialect is quite different from Tunisian, it's of limited use in conversation, and while between their English and my French and Arabic I can usually communicate whatever I need well enough...the pervasive sense of being an outsider, a foreigner, strange, limited by language, by ignorance of so much...it makes you see, experience the world in a different way.

Of course, there are more intimate and personal forms of otherness too. I've always been a bit of an oddball, from about as early in childhood as I can remember. My mind just jumps to different thought patterns, conclusions, observations, than those of most people. I enjoy different things, and interested differently. Even my speech tends to be...different.

I realized early on that pretending to be someone I am not to try to 'fit in' was never going to work or be worth the cost, and much of the work I've had to do around getting the most out of life has been about...owning that. About doing what I want to do, even if no one around me really understands why. About becoming comfortable with my own company, with doing things by myself. With feeling comfortable in my own skin.

Self-confidence is definitely something I still struggle with, in many contexts. I think this queen of wands really does offer some worthwhile guidance, though. Like the man in the 7 of wands she is alone. But she doesn't see it as a conflict, a problem, a reason to feel stressed or uncomfortable or attacked. No, she simply focuses on herself, on her own thoughts, capabilities. The difference that attitude alone makes, in these two images, is striking.

Of course, self-confidence isn't a magic cure to all the difficulties life can throw our way, but coupled with some flexibility, some empathy, a bit of creativity...it can help us get far indeed. So many limitations that people face are at least somewhat self-imposed. Here in Tunisia, I watch some of classmates or roommates, whose language skills aren't that much higher than my own (if at all) have much more extended conversations simply because they don't doubt themselves the way that I tend to.

Being comfortable with yourself - all of yourself - can really make so much of a difference in the way you interact with the world. And if the person that you are is just plain unusual, so what?

Here in Tunisia, there are many things to enjoy about the unfamiliar - like the random herd of goats that sometimes wanders around my neighborhood...

taking on the challenge

So I haven't been having so much of a tarot-focused week...too many other things competing for my attention/thoughts, I suppose. Here's another pretty relevant quick draw I did this morning, though.

I really like this take on the nine of swords especially. A card that usually speaks to worries, anxieties, fears - the crippling fear that keeps you awake in the middle of the night, mad swirling thoughts. Here we see a sky full of dark clouds, stormy, but above it all we see quite literally, a light at the end of the tunnel. Things swirling up towards hope. And those dark black birds, the pecking, cawing thoughts, are slowly flying away from the girl. Or are they flying towards her? Could be read both ways, I suppose, but here I see them as flying away - as the need to let worries go sometimes, let them fly off somewhere else and focus on the good.

The influence of the wand queen, see. The shadowscapes is really one of my favorite decks when it comes to the courts. So detailed and expressive, so perfectly capturing the nuances of what the kings and queens and knights and pages each represent. The queen of wands is perfectly at home in her domain, creatively fulfilled, working on what she is good at and what she enjoys, supported by the animals and even the plants. There is light there, an aura of comfort, completeness, self-possession. She is a woman who has already grown much, traveled far, and she continues now to work on advancing further.

These two cards are good reassurance for me right now. I recently voiced my frustration with the uneven pace/student effort in my arabic classes and my wonderfully accommodating language school re-arranged things so that starting next week, my classes will be significantly more challenging. A part of my is feeling that 'oh crap, what did I just do/get myself into' nervousness, but these cards remind me that this is a good thing. Being challenged means learning, getting more out of my experiences, growing and becoming more confident, like this queen is as she plays her instrument.

Time to let the dark birdies fly away indeed.

on being more assertive

So a couple things have happened recently that have really made me more aware of the fact that one of the things I really do need to work on is being more assertive - and especially, more assertive in saying NO when no is, in fact, what I really want to say. I decided to do a reading for some advice/perspective on the topic. With no particular spread in mind, ended up drawing two sets of pairs that really summed things up for me quite nicely.

Here, in the first pair of cards - and notice the fact that they are both twos, which to me seems to intensify the message - is essentially the crux of the reason why doing this, why being assertive and saying no when that is what I am thinking, is so hard for me. I like harmony. I like to get along with people. I want people to have a positive impression of me, to be on good terms with me, to think well of me. Even when this is a bit silly - when the person in question is a stranger who I am unlikely to see again, or someone I know who has already violated my trust or our relationship in some way - I STILL don't want and don't like conflict. It just seems so much easier to go along, to keep everything smooth and nice, to keep up the illusion that we are on the same page, great partners in whatever it is, etc.

But of course that second two, the reversed swords card, is telling me that this is a balance that isn't really balanced at all. This is me taking on the weight of being unhappy, dissatisfied, feeling like I've lost something, etc., for no good reason. This isn't really a sustainable way of going about things. The ideal of getting along grand with everyone, in all situations, just isn't a realistic one. When I go into these specific kinds of interactions, with that idea of keeping EVERYONE happy, what I am really doing is making the other person happy and making me frustrated with myself. And well - if the fact is that one person is going to be dissatisfied anyway, why should it be me and not the person who was trying to take advantage of me or whatever? So yeah, this is an idea I really need to work on letting go of - in some circumstances, it really is ok not to be accommodating, even to be a bit 'rude'.

Now here, in this second set, we have the 'solution' to my issue. This queen of wands really projects confidence, doesn't she? She sits perfectly comfortable in her throne, with that tall staff in one hand, the sunflower in the other. She has her tools, wields them with authority, knows how to do what needs to be done. A cat sits at her feet, which really compounds the message because - has there ever been a creature as self-assured as a cat? The message to be comfortable in my own skin, to be sure of myself, to trust intuition and my judgement and to not be afraid of externalizing that. Greater self-confidence would really help with this particular issue, I think. And if getting myself to feel that right away is a bit difficult? "Fake it till you make it" I believe the saying is?

Indeed, let go of whatever mental things would try to hold me back and just do it, leap into it, do not be afraid, so worried of offending or bothering, particularly when I KNOW that the person I am dealing with has no such concerns of their own. The sun in the fool card seems to be a reflection of the queen's sunflower and a stark constant to the moon in the 2 of swords - it has an eye, open, for knowledge, clear assessment of the situation, awareness, and its presence, like the Sun major, seems to speak of the potential for success. Just do it: No, I am sorry. No, I cannot. No, please leave. No, stop it. Just say it. Sometimes you really do just need to stop thinking and caring so much.

tower in perspective

So a final draw with the La Corte dei Tarocchi before putting it away for a while - this one is most definitely a keeper.

This Tower card, I must say, is particularly appropriate right now. A sudden change, a major shift, the old and familiar coming apart - certainly not a surprise or negative, in this situation, and yet nonetheless. The title of this card makes it immediately clear what it is in reference to, in this draw: Babel, languages, communication. In two days I will be getting on a plane and spending the next ten weeks living in a country where English is not the primarily spoken language, seeing how far my rusty french can get me, studying arabic intensively. I was actually supposed to brush up on both this week and that just...hasn't happened at all...

I suppose it's only now really striking me (another appropriate metaphor, to this card) that this is really happening, and very, very soon. I feel unprepared - I am, at least from a packing and even procuring things I need perspective, still unready. That taking care of the details card from the previous reading? Yeah, overwhelming. Big change, big event, HAPPENING, and I feel...overwhelmed by the details of what I need to do.

The queen card is an interesting contrast. She looks quite assured, doesn't she? She has the situation firmly in hand. This card kind of reminds me of my mother, actually - she is a virgo, an earth sign, and much better than I in the details getting done end of things. She actually helped me a lot in terms of getting my apartment cleaned up when I was moving out last weekend, which was another part of this rapid series of changes which...LOOMED, but then was resolved without too much trouble. The dog in the card also catches my eye, enjoying itself, seeing the coin as a game, something to try to catch. Perhaps a shift away from this stress stress attitude would serve me well. Bigger-picture wise, I do see this as a very exciting adventure, but in the immediate term, when I see suitcases that need to be unpacked and repacked and my belongings strewn across two rooms it's hard not to just...stress.

It will be good for me, to keep this queen in mind. Poised, assured, a hand on everything, capable of getting things done. And the little dog, full of so much energy and simple joy...

another story time

So since it's been a while since I last did it, decided to try the story exercise again with new week's deck, the Sheridan-Douglas...

There was a girl once, a girl with a strong mind and many ideas. They floated around her sometimes, twisted and curled, giggled and spoke. There were so many possibilities and dreams, too many for a girl of her youth to know what to do with. But the girl lived in a place, a land, a house surrounding by cups, and in those cups there were nectars, juices and wines. They tasted sweet, and they made her head spin. They made her body light, and they made her laugh at almost anything. It was easy to smile, to be satisfied with simply sitting there, drinking from those cups as one day melted into the next and nothing was changed and nothing was done, but what did it matter, when there was always another cup nearby to empty?

And so the days went by, and nights. Slowly the girl grew tired of the sickly sweet taste that always surrounded her. She grew tired of the meaningless laughter, of only-half feeling her body, of so much time passed with nothing to show, with ideas always ideas that merely floated, slowly, away from her. One night she realized she'd had enough, that she would never be able to stop so long as she stayed here, in the land of the cups; she realized that as long as she stayed she would never make anything more of herself. On that night she packed up her things, the few she couldn't do without, and she walked away. She walked over the bridge that separated this land from the outside world, walked without looking back, without pausing, without giving herself the chance to change her mind, to succumb to the temptation of one more sip.

The new lands she entered were strange, quite unlike the one she had grown to know so well. They were harsher and colder, more difficult to climb through. There were challenges that she could never have imagined. But now all her funny ideas, the ones that used to tickle and curl and float away as she drank and laughed...now she could reach out to them, grasp them, harness them to her will, to her plans: and these plans worked. Slowly she succeeded, grew more powerful, earned allies, earned friends, until finally the girl, now a woman, sat on her own throne, the ruler of her own domain. Now her ideas went forth like little flames, illuminating the land for her subjects, feeding the common good. Now, when she smiled, it was the smile of accomplishment, and smile of looking down at all the good she had achieved.

a jumper and a shadow card

So one interesting this I've noticed...well, I make it a point to only keep decks that I 'connect' with and can read pretty easily, and with most of my decks I can shuffle, do whatever spread or exercise strikes my fancy, interpret, usually use reversals and voila. But with some, often the ones I have a deeper liking for and connection with...well, they are 'special snowflakes'. They refuse to be read reversed. In the de la Rea's case, one and only one spread. And, I am noticing, with the Thoth...it doesn't like to be read in spreads at all. For exchanges fine, it will comply, but when I am working with it personally...I have tried numerous times to read with it in a spread and just...oh, it will give me a message, sure enough, and a GOOD one, but it will have nothing to do with the spread in mind. I know instinctively if I have to draw one or two or three cards, and really I get the best results by just shuffling, drawing, and letting it 'speak' to me as it may.

Tonight was interesting in that, in addition to the core reading (which speaks to a personal problem I'd rather not get into detail on here) of two cards, I also had a 'jumper' card that fell out not once but twice while I was shuffling, and felt obliged to use a 'shadow' card, from the bottom of the shuffled deck...both of which are concepts I generally don't hold with/do much, but which made perfect sense here, and, taken together, came to a sort of reading within a reading of their own...

So this card was the insistent jumper, and in the context of the whole reading it was rather appropriate. Kind of saw it in the 'high' position above the two main cards. Those basically referred to a Devil type issue interfering with my Science striving, an issue I was thinking about earlier in the evening (this is what I mean by random draws from Thoth tend to be SO ON POINT), and its a card that came up a few days ago, when I was feeling particularly fatalistic minded and needed a good kick in the right direction, ha.

Basically, the message here as I see it, in this queen, is that you can overcome those problems, the obstacles to your success and fulfillment. This queen actually mirrors the RWS version of Strength in some ways, with her hand on the leopard - normally a rather wild, dangerous animal but here perfectly tamed, obedient. She sits on a throne of fire, again in control of the heat, emboldened by it rather than burned. The orange and red and yellow energy in this card both focuses towards her, rising up through her from within, and radiates out from her, a crown of light illuminating her path. She holds that pine-cone staff, ready to make things grow, to create. To me, the message here is to have more confidence in your own inner passions and ambitions, in your own creativity and drive. Instead of focusing on shortcomings, on things you could have done better or areas where others handle things better than you, focus on YOURSELF. What you want, what you are capable of, how much you have accomplished in spite of some rather serious problems and obstacles. Its that creative passion that drives you, burning from the inside out. You want more from life, you want to DO something, have a positive impact, go places and see things, write something of value, and not just in small everyday ways. There are minors that have a similar message but no, here, with the queen, the bigger picture. Self-assurance, self-confident drive...and especially the image of a self-assured, confident WOMAN asserting herself, acting, striving for what she wants when so much of societal messages still have so many negative correlations and obstacles to THAT...

Below, as the shadow card, we have the Tower. A card that's been all over my life and reading this year. In truth, because it needs to be, because I still haven't really done the hard work of knocking down things that need it, of making true, major, difficult, painful, and very necessary change. A shadow card, in the background, thematic - because yes, in the short term if I harness the energy of the Queen I can mitigate some of that issue, but really...that feeling that I could be getting so much MORE out of those Science aspects of my life I so love if there wasn't that big Devil problem coloring everything, draining so much of my energy, time...it's a logical assessment. Even the Queen....in the current circumstances, channeling that means finding the energy to stay afloat. Stay afloat with difficulty, with stress and frustration, because of those IDEAS that float around in my head, because no matter how difficult other things are reading and studying and discussion still sets my mind ablaze...but if there was that Tower change, that could mean more. Those rays of light from her crown could extend so much further...

The eye of Shiva watches the destruction in this tower, knowing through the lens of eternity that it is necessary, illuminating it. Flames, like those of the Queen, from below and within but here, under the influence of Mars, they are not burning with positive passion but more aggressive than that, stronger, they cause that old stone structure, with the bars on the window, with the misery inside, to fall. Crystal-like figure are falling out, the painful tumble downward, so fraught that it is tempting to stay within that tower, but to listen to the dove, the reassurance, the glimpse of the next arcana to come if you can just hold and get through this...

It strikes me, the similarities between these: the flames from below driving the action in the whole card, the crown or the eye above radiating light, the color palette of fire, white-themed in the Queen for the positive energy and black-themed in the Tower for the necessary destruction, the darkness that must be faced, fought, dispelled. Fire for action, Mars for engagement, the Queen for accountability...yes, these two together added a very necessary layer/message in regards to the core issue described by the other two cards...

this bothers me more than it probably should

So decided to try out one of those spreads I've had an eye on...decent reading, not really 'off' but not notable enough to type up either. Art-wise, I find the Harmonious tarot quite pretty, but I am already wondering if it won't end up on the trade-block due to a certain lack of connection in reading with it. Will see. Anyway, though, one of the cards that came up really kind of bothered me.

When I saw this card, I spent a good minute or two thinking it was the Queen of Wands. Why? Well, to be honest, in RWS styled decks I kind of automatically associate sunflowers with the Queen of Wands given the frequency with which they appear in her card. Then you have the bright golden tones, and...most notably, the RAM in the background. Working with Thoth has made me more aware of astrology as of late, and this, symbol of Aries, is most definitely a fire sign; fire, which is almost always associated with Wands. I mean, there is the Silicon Dawn with its quite deliberate and unique (to my knowledge) reversal of Wands and Coins suit elements, but in a deck like this, where there is no real elemental associations in the suits and certainly no deliberate effort to do something different... it just leaves me scratching my head about why are there all these wands/fire associations in what is supposed to be the earthy coin queen.

It's a pretty card, certainly. One of my favorites in the entire deck, aesthetically. And I suppose sunflowers can be an earth associated  as well, but the whole card image. to me, just says...growth, passion, energy, self-development, creativity...that ARIES mountain pointing upward, goals to achieve... I cannot see anything at all that I associate with the queen of coins in this card. Mentally I know that is what it is supposed to be, but visually I really do see another queen entirely.

It's one thing if a deck is really conceptually doing its own thing, but when it is essentially pretty straightforward RWS-based in a different/interesting art style... Maybe its my mood or stress level at the current moment, but this just...quite rather annoys me...

Why Do I Collect Decks?

So I wrote a post response to a question on AT, and I liked what came to mind enough to want to expand on the idea here so....

Collecting Decks

So I have some 30+ tarot decks at the current moment, which I do not think is a particularly notable number by the standards of Aeclectic membership but which is, by the standards of the wider world, quite enough to be called a 'collection' and to qualify me as someone who can reasonably say that I collect tarot decks.

And I suppose I do, though for various reasons I don't really think of myself as a Collector the way some people are: I keep all my decks in simple bags in a large sack (after fire last fall, I like the idea of being able to quickly grab and take them all in an emergency), and care about boxes not at all - the only reason I keep those these days is for possible trading purposes, as other people seem to like keeping their decks in proper boxes with proper LWBs. I don't care about keeping my decks in 'mint' condition, even some of the rarer, OOP ones - if I think it will look better trimmed, I trim away, and gilt them too. I do not keep decks I cannot or do not want to read with, no matter how pretty or rare - all of my decks must be reading decks, working decks, because what the hell do I have them for, if not to read with?

And yet, nonetheless, I have enough that one might reasonable ask: why so many decks? Couldn't you read just as well with one or two? Does anyone ever need over thirty tarot decks? And to be fair, no I do not need them. And yet I am an INTP, and there is some underlying logic with which I justify my purchases. It comes down, I guess, to that one great love of mine in life - the love of learning, of gaining knowledge, expanding what I know and how I can think about the things I know of.

See, we all call it 'tarot reading' but in many ways that seems to be mostly a metaphor, figurative language. Do we really think of it as the equivalent of reading a newspaper, a book? And yet, the more I think about it, the more I want to say...perhaps yes. What is written language, after all? From the earliest pictographs to modern, current alphabets in a way, if you think about it broadly, writing is about visually representing abstract concepts. We have these little symbols we call letters, and we string them together this way and that, and suddenly that MEANS something to us, because we have been trained to automatically interpret them as such. So when you come across DOG, you do not see random squiggles: your mind automatically brings up the image or the idea of a certain canine animal. And when you learn other languages, you apply the same concepts. PIES brings to mind the same animal for me, because my mind has been trained to make that associated. So does كلب because again, written language acquisition is about training the mind to correlate visual symbols with sounds with abstract ideas.

Reading tarot is, in a lot of ways, is just the same. You have 78 cards with distinct images, and each card has a range of meanings attached to it - the exact details depend on which system(s) you follow, whether you read intuitively or whether you are deep into studying historical esoteric symbolism or whatever, and so on. In any case though, its a recognizable system with widely applicable card meanings, and as you get more experienced with working with the cards, and more familiar with them, the process of eliciting messages from the cards becomes easier. When you first start off, you draw a card and look at the picture, and maybe you have some vague concept of what it could maybe mean, but you aren't quite sure, and so you check in the LWB or whatever book you have, and you read the keywords and then you kind of stumble along, in broad strokes, trying to make some kind of connection that makes sense to you. The image and the abstract ideas are still separate and you are trying to bridge that gulf.

Later on, it just comes. I draw the 6 of cups and I automatically think of nostalgia, of childhood, of looking backwards, of longing, of people you used to know and things you used to do. I draw the 10 of coins and I think of houses, of families, of the people you love and the people you are tied to, of responsibilities and duties and burdens. A draw an Ace of Wands and I think of opportunities, of growth, of creative energy ready to be channeled, of new projects, of starting thinks, taking the plunge, boldness. I do not have to sit there and struggle to remember - it simply comes when I look at the image in front of me. The images of the cards you see, have been married to a whole range of concepts in my mind. It really is quite analogous to reading, except that what you are reading is a deck of cards...

Which brings us back to the idea of why so many decks? If you have a deck with which you have grown familiar enough to have that kind of connection, isn't that enough?

But you see, to me it does make a difference that what you are reading is not words but images, ART. Art, which can be created in so many different styles and mediums, which is both so inherently personal and so universal...Having many decks means working with the same core concept represented in a plethora of different ways. It really does broaden the scope of your knowledge, the pool of meaning from which you draw when you read. You'll see a card you feel you know so well drawn in a different way and it will trigger something in your mind, another way that you could approach the idea. It adds nuance and shade. Working with the Thoth so much recently has been doing that a lot for me - it really isn't so far removed from the RWS meanings, and yet it comes at them from different angles and perspectives and it makes me really THINK. It widens how I see the cards. Like Aeon instead of Judgement opened up that card for me in a way I never really got just from the standard christianity-based images of the Angel blowing the trumpet and resurrection. Or the post the other night about the Wheel of Fortune and the idea that life is made up of many wheels - wheel of career, wheel of love, wheel of emotional health - that all move at their own pace. These are ideas that would have never occurred to me if I had just been working with the ONE deck, and which once they do I can internalize and apply to all my future working with tarot, regardless of which deck it is that I happen to be reading at the current time.

And yeah, in a way each deck is also it's own 'dialect' because each one has it's own artistic take, little details that you can pick and pull apart as you interpret. Sometimes the answers the cards give can be QUITE literal, and that staircase or the hat or whatever in the deck you are working with happens to be exactly applicable - it wouldn't be there in another deck, but its here, in this one, an answer just for you.

Besides that, decks draw on all kinds of influences - each other, early 20th century occultist groups, ancient mythology, various cultural practices, astrology, numerology, qabbalah, various animal groups, whatever, and they do so in various ways and proportions and so, having many decks can also be a nice way to become at least a little bit familiar with other ideas or systems or whatever which for me - well, more learning is always, always a plus.

And so that is my overly long explanation about both what I think tarot is and how I justify spending all kinds of money on tarot decks when, one might argue one or two would be more than enough :D

Enjoying Spring

So...it would be fair to say that this has very much been a less than ideal week. Started off with busy schedule and frustration and then something happened which kind of...left me mentally reeling. Not something I really feel comfortable talking about to anyone and still trying to process what happened and...yeah. So been all over the place with mood and thoughts and whatnot.

When I drew these cards though, I kind of...immediately couldn't help but think of one aspect of the week that has just been wonderful - the weather. It is early March but it is totally spring! I've never lived this far south before and....70 Fahrenheit temperatures and trees flowering everywhere and bushes blooming and everything so nice and warm and colorful already - it is, indeed, something to really enjoy. The rays of light shining down on those full, golden cups, the warmth of summer...it's nice. And the queen of disks really emphasizes that...the desert in the background, winter and everything bleak, dark, cold, trees bare...but now everything is growing again, sprouting up, like those stalky leaves on this queen's throne. The goat is surely ready to take advantage, to nibble on some fresh grass. And indeed, even when I am not feeling so well going outside when it is so nice out just...improves everything.

Sometimes you can't fix everything, and the best you can do is just...enjoy what you can. I'm reminded of that reading from a week ago or so, about finding joy in small things when necessary. Taking care of yourself as best you can, with whatever you have to work with. I went skating again today and it was really nice. I actually really like skating near where I live...today I went around a military fort, by the waterfront, past some industrial installations, through a public housing type neighborhood, past a highway, and right up back around the Smithsonians and the Capitol, all within like an hour of skating. Nice. And the nature everywhere inspired me to take a few photographs too...

So yeah, a simple, useful reminder today from the dear Thoth: enjoy the spring!

Trying out Court Couples exercise

So this is an exercise from Tarot Thrones that I found by way of Inner Whispers. I quite like the idea of it, and since I like doing these various exercises in general, thought I'd give it a spin with my Thoth. Though writing it up in a rather free-write type way...

The princess of wands, child-like still, sometimes, young. She launches herself into new things, leaps this way or that, excited for a new adventure. The world is full of adventures to her, things to explore, see, learn. Upwards, she sees herself flying, up. And she doesn't worry yet, about leaping into the unknown and the dangers that lurk there, of putting herself out there in the world perfectly unclothed. She is full of wild passion, energy, the tiger that is and becomes her and from which she feels formed. Look at her power, the sun-wand, the light that flows and flows - why shouldn't she be confident? She loves the andrenaline of the first great leap and trusts that whatever place she lands in, she will be able to handle herself. This princess loves the flickering heat of the flame, of dancing just on the fire's edge, quickly flicking her hand in and drawing back again: fire play, fire play. Oh, but the world is full of so many interesting things, experiences, opportunities if you only have the boldness to grasp them. She hears music in her head as she dances her way up that path of light. Her focus is on the things ahead of her, the possibility.

The Queen, on the other hand, is well aware of the things that can lurk beneath the surface of the shine. She is older - if not so much in years, then certainly in experience. The queen never leaps. She ponders, considers, waxes nostalgically. The queen of cups knows the value of caution, of hiding your real self behind shroud and illusion; she knows that others do this too, that what you see is not necessarily what really exists, beneath the surface. The queen scries and dreams. She is sensitive, perceptive, likely to notice to smallest of details. She knows herself well enough to know what can hurt her, out there in the world. Given the choice, she may well prefer to stay right where she is, the the land of comfort, home, in imagination, dreamscapes. She notices nuance, and is flexible enough to negotiate and adjust when she needs. She prefers to be a bit beyond the spot-light, to allow someone else to take the lead. Not her forte that, and she knows herself well enough to recognize it. She has a gentle touch though, empathy. She wants to care for and protect those close to her heart.

And so it goes: the princess leaps forward, focused on the latest adventure, on what she can see and do and achieve. She is easily excited, easily amused, unfrightened. Her back to the queen she goes, barely giving a thought to the older woman. The queen notices the princess though, looks on at her actions in consternation, worry. The girl will get herself hurt, going on like that, barely thinking. There are signs of it there in the ripples of water. The queen sees them. The queen is afraid that others will see too much of that open-hearted girl, that they will percieve her nakedness much differently, not innocently at all. The queen worries about the naïveté of the princess. She will get hurt, and what if that happens and the fire dies and the tiger loses its strength? Will the Queen be able to heal that? Yes, the queen watches and wonders and worries as the youth goes into the world.

She keeps the doorway to the safe place open, in case the princess needs to return there. I have a shroud for you, to cover and hide yourself when you learn of the need; I can teach you to speak softly, to speak without saying much at all. I can teach you to obfuscate, to prevaricate, to smile nicely when you don't mean it and keep your true self hidden in dreams.

But the princess doesn't hear - there is music, a symphony playing and she is too busy flying on up, roaring.

A Deck of Quirky Courts

So I tend to try to stick to writing here about the decks that I am actually currently working with, but now and then...an exception.

I decided to take advantage of my access to a scanner here to get my de la rea deck on my computer for future such blogging purposes, and was reminded again why this is one of my favorite decks. It's on odd one, to be sure: offbeat art style, very Marseille based but everything is masks, pip minors with odd elemental associations illustrated differently than the usual Marseille patterns. Gold and silver paint on the cards, and they are so very pretty...this is most definitely an art deck, a deck for collectors, and for some at least, that's more or less what it is.

I have a rule though, about reading with all decks I own. If I cannot read with it, I do not keep it. And indeed, I've found a way - a very specific way - to get this deck to give me brilliant readings. I only ever read with it using the Comte de Mellet spread, no reversals. With this method, readings vary from short, with only one or two pairs of cards to read, to quite longer. In fact, after my scanning spree I was inspired to do a reading for myself with it...it ended up being six pairs, for a total of twelve cards, much more than my reading usual. As usual, utterly on point, accurate, and thorough. That reading is too long and too personal to post here, so instead I thought I would linger a bit on one aspect of this deck I find particularly charming - the courts!

It is of course an extra challenge to take the courts - often considered some of the trickiest cards in the deck to read - and show them as these masked, abstracted figures. Yes, what I love about these is just how well the 'feel' of each court is expressed. I love the knight of wands, for example, because he isn't quite the bold rushing forward figure of other decks...yet actually, expression not unlike that of the RWS really...uncertain, heading into unfamiliar territory perhaps, encountering some surprise, the ridicule of the horse...and yet he goes anyway. What's that saying about courage being about feeling fear and proceeding anyway? I like this queen too...majestic in the way she holds that cup, her hood over her like a canopy, the influence of intuition, mind...

I also quite like these two courts. The starkness of the coloring on the King of Swords really highlights the kind of harsh, unyielding intellectual nature of this figure, the width of his collar and garb how much space he takes up, his authority...everything black, white, red. Those shoulder masks... As for this page...the garb of a scholar, or at least it seems so to me, and the curious up-tilt of the head. She likes learning new things, this page, exploring, inspecting, enriching herself. Love the detail of the sprouting plant in the background.

But yes, love the quirky courts in this deck, and shall definitely be doing some exercises around them eventually, when I get back to working with this deck more regularly. It really is such a treasure: the majors are, too, quite awesome :]