on being in motion

The eight of wands, or Sticks as this deck calls them, is a card that speaks of being in motion, of movement - whether that be physical, literal, or in thought and realization. It is a card of going, of doing, of energy. It can also be the card of swiftness, of needing to act and to decide now rather than later, of acting in the moment.

Here we see three women moving, running and leaping forward through the woods. The women resemble each other in appearance and motion, but each goes about her way at different speeds, on the ground or almost sailing in the air above it. Their bodies are flexible, bending and stretching as far as needing to move past the trees, their obstacles.

I had a bit of a busy couple of days - not in the sense of doing anything significant or important, but just...places to go, people to see, buses to other cities to take. I have trouble not getting exhausted and overwhelmed sometimes by the logistics, particularly since I'm out of the habit of doing very much at once, lately.

Here, I see a reminder - sometimes you just need to keep moving, get your shit together and go where you need to go, do what you need to do; sometimes you just have to do whatever it is now, not later. In helps to remember that there are different ways of being in motions, different approaches to getting where you need to go, ways to adjust to your needs and capabilities; it helps to remember to be flexible, to remember that you are dynamic - make it work for you, the swiftness.

inspiration or hope in unusual places and ways

Just a quick little two-card general advice/food for though draw with another favorite deck, Tarot of the Absurd.

First thought: two majors in such a small spread suggest quite the strong message indeed - interesting.

We have paired The Star and Justice. The Star is a familiar card, featuring as is did in the Thoth two-card reading I posted the other week. A theme, the fact that it is showing up in deck after deck? But look, how different the card is here, both from the imagery of the Thoth's and from the traditional RWS and clones. Here there is no woman reaching up to grasp, nor pouring water from a jug, nothing so esoteric. Instead we have a more bizarre image - A woman walking, perhaps even prancing over the heads of strange beasts, each of of them distinct in their oddity. She is looking down at them with a pair of binoculars, inspecting, fascinated.

Next to her we have a more familiar image for Justice, a sort of classical figure but for the fact that she seems to be dancing, or perhaps entering into some kind of performative fighting stance, rather than standing still and stoic as we more often see her. She has her sword, and her scales, and in this deck she is blindfolded, weighing without seeing what. Her scales are balanced, one empty, the other with a stream of feathers - a reference perhaps to mythology, Maat - falling out of it.

The message I see here:

That inspiration, that hope, that 'dreams' and goals and finding a way to live, are not thing we can only find in the abstract, in pondering, in books. They do not always have to be high-minded things, the products of so much thought, the kind of thing that sounds impressive. Nor do they have to be like anything you would expect, and they do not have to be distant, theoretical things. No, inspiration, healing or hope can be found in things that are strange and even ugly, unpleasant perhaps at first; they can be things mundane, unremarkable to most people, small; they can be found in the world around you, the things you walk over and past and through, the things that grab your attention and hold it and leave you longing to see more, know more, to do it again. And sometimes, finding these things and holding onto them means pushing past that first instinct to judge against already held notions, or to weigh the pros and cons logically and put into organized thoughts emotions you cannot explain. Sometimes it means trying something blind, knowing that there are things, perhaps even significant things that you just do not know, cannot know; it means going in blind, willfully, and that can feel like some kind of tricky, dangerous dance, and it might be tempting to question, to overthink, 'should I, should I really?' and weigh things against what ought and what should. Indeed, sometimes you must recognize that scary and unknowable and bizarre might be worth it even if you don't know why and how and, within reason, go ahead and see, give it a chance.

Amazing Aces: Wands

Getting back to this particular favorites post series, we have the third of the four aces, the Ace of Wands. The wands suit is typically depicted, in those decks that use elemental associations, as associated with fire - the light, the burning energy, the passion that the cards within it often speak to. This Ace, like the others, is about new beginnings and opportunities, yes - about those involving creativity, self-fulfillment, ambition, drive. This Ace calls for action in the post literal, direct sense: go, do, create, be brave. It is about potential ready to be worked, shaped.

It is, in fact, probably one of the Aces I would see as being easily applicable to a wide variety of situations, even those typically associated with the others suits - yes, go learn that thing that you care so strongly about; yes, initiate that romance you are daydreaming about; yes, apply to that job even if you aren't sure you could qualify. A very dynamic card, on the whole. As for which of my decks I feel depict it best...

Alchemical Renewed

Though many decks utilize elemental associations and imagery in their depictions of the minors, few, I think, do so as neatly as Robert Place's Alchemical. I especially like how the theme of the animals continues through the suit - the baby salamander in the Ace reappears, majestic and grown, as the wand's King. The salamander makes a rather good metaphor for the Ace in general - here it is small and newly born, but already we can see the hints of its future power, the way it lays on a bed of flames at the wand's base.

The tip of the wand burns too, of course, illuminating the space. I find the clover sprouting out of the side a very nice touch. A clover for luck, a sign that now is indeed the right time for whatever this card is speaking to, that the universe is on your side; and at the same time, a reminder of the idea of making your own luck, the need to act, to take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves to you. The line work and coloring here is awesome, the palette perfectly suited.

Tarot of the Absurd

Can it be, one might ask? Can a black and white deck really manage to express all the energy and meaning that an Ace like this is meant to represent? The answer, as the Tarot of the Absurd here shows, is very much yes. Like just about all the cards is this lovely deck, the ace of wands has a certain playfulness to it, a touch of whimsy. Though it features a tree, something we usually associated with age, tradition, firmness, here we see it dynamic, in motion, sprouting new branches and, at the center of the image, curled around a newborn.

Yes, the tree here moves and sways and curls so as to protect this creature, newly entered into the world, just formed, inexperienced. A beginning indeed, a wealth of experiences to be had, discoveries. The baby still sleeps but the tree does not, no. Nothing here is a passive act, not holding, protecting, caring. Everything requires deliberate effort, decision. What will become of them, this tiny babe, this almost dancing tree? Time will tell indeed.

Silicon Dawn

I drew and wrote about this card in my very first post on this blog, just a day short of exactly a year ago. At the time I was desperately scrambling to finish a rather long and important paper - rather the same as I'm doing now, come to think. Changes and beginnings and repetition. The deck was quite new to me then, and I was still trying to wrap my mind the rather unusual switch, of elemental associations and to a large degree meanings, of the wands and coins suits. Of all the switched up cards in the deck, this one perhaps makes the most amount of immediate, intuitive sense to me.

Why shouldn't the Ace of Wands be seen like this, a confident silhouette of what may be sprouting out of a plant, leaves and roots and vines supporting  and pushing up. The green of the ground slowly turns to blue as we reach the top of the card, to sky, freedom, so much possibility there. We plant seeds in the ground, little kernals of perhaps, and wait and watch them grown into things to beautiful hey take our breath away, sometimes. And isn't that what this card can be, at it's best - the reason we see it and know we should go, try, take that risk?

Cardstock: Highs and Lows

So back on the tarot forums, many a thread and comment can be found on the subject of cardstock. For some, this is a major dealbreaker when deciding whether to get or to keep a new deck. I don't take it as seriously as some - if a deck has enough other merits, I'll likely keep it almost irregardless of the cardstock's level of mediocrity. That said, it is something I note, and I figured it would be interesting to post about  my favorites as well as about some worst offenders from my own collection. This is of course highly subjective, based on my own particular likes and preferences; also, only somewhat correlated to my level of like for the deck overall.

FAVORITES

1. Thoth

When I first got the Thoth, it was a more recent printing, but after reading about the superiority of older copies, I eventually procured for myself a 1986 AGM printing. This is one of those decks I've done a bunch of things to: trimmed it, gilted the edges in a kind of bronze color, etc. There really is such a world of difference in the older printing and the current ones. The cardstock is much, much nicer on the old, and the colors are richer as well, with better contrasts. 

It shuffles very nicely. The smaller post-trim size is perfect for me, and...yeah. Not too thick or flimsy and not plasticky. Great with post over-hand and riffle shuffle methods.

2. Absurd

As I said in other post about it, I really do enjoy the cardstock of the Absurd tarot. The feel of it in particular is really nice - someone described it as buttery and I don't think that's inaccurate way of putting it.

It's a nice medium, not quite matte but not over-glossy, and it really brings out and plays up the contrast of black and white of the images really well. I love how nicely it shuffles, again, being great for either method.

3. Swedish Witch

Lastly, the cardstock of the Swedish Witch tarot I have is quite nice as well. Not sure exactly which edition/printing it may be...I bought it in a new age shop during my visit to Sweden last year and the box is probably somewhere in the depths of my parents' house by now. After trimming it a bit, the size is again exactly how I prefer my decks to be, and overall, I find it quite similar to the Thoth in feel. I have no issues shuffling it in any way, it doesn't feel stiff or floppy, and it showcases the colors of the images quite nicely.

WORST OFFENDERS

1. Light and Shadow

I had such high hope for this deck, and I still do really like the actual images of the cards and how it reads, but well - as far as cardstock goes, ugh. The cards are huge and impossible to trim much. Not only that, but they are flimsy, floppy, and very plasticky feeling. Huge floppy cards do not for fun shuffling times make.

They also, for some bizarre reason (I've not encountered this on any other deck thus far) put plastic on the EDGES so that any attempt at gilting them is...not very successful.

This could be such an awesome deck, but the horrid cardstock instead places it rather far down on my list as far as preference goes. Publisher really did it a disservice :/

2. Corte dei Tarocchi

Ok, so first of all, I do get that this one was printer more as a collectors item than with reading in mind. That said, I have a thing about reading with ALL of my decks, and well.

In my life, I have not seen a deck with cardstock thicker than the cardstock of the Corte dei Tarocchi. Or even close to it. The whole deck stands in a tall, tall stack, and shuffling it all at once in any way is exceeding difficult. I've even had to adjust my method of choosing cards to ensure its properly mixed/random.

That said, it does feel nice (if unlaminated/delicate) and overall I do quite enjoy this deck muchly. But the shuffling.....

3. Sun and Moon

This is one of my favorites, but in the wider online tarot community, it seems to engender rather varied opinions. Some people, like me, quite like it; others have a very low opinion indeed. Among the latter, the cardstock quality is often mentioned, and in that regard, I really cannot argue. I love this deck in spite of its cardstock, because its other merits are just that high, for me.

Whats wrong with it? Well, to its advantage it isn't uber-glossy like some USG decks of recent years, but...cardboardy would be an accurate way of describing it. Moderately thick and really really stiff. Shuffling it is possible, but not easy. My trimming and gilting experiments have improved it much in my eyes, but nonetheless... Not exactly a fine example of great quality printing as far as cardstock is concerned.

social stress

We have an interesting juxtaposition in these two cards, one that I find resonates with me particularly just about now. In the first, the three of cups, we see two figures, dancers moving gracefully betweeen three champagne flutes. They are free, they are full of energy, and they are engaged, each following their own steps, but in tandem. Celebrating and enjoying themselves. A productive, beautiful kind of socialization.

Meanwhile, the Empress...she nurtures and creates, certainly, and yet here we have an aspect to this card that is very rarely shown in a tarot deck...the tired, overwhelmed mother surrounded by her brood. Each of them is wonderful, special in his or her way and yet, all together, demanding attention, making noise, getting into all sorts of trouble, and she already pregnant with another, hardly any time for so much as a thought to herself...while not something I've had the opportunity to experience myself, I've no doubt most parents know this feeling well...

How do these come together, then? Well, I've a friend, a former college roommate, coming down from Boston to visit me tomorrow night. She's staying until Monday morning. A good friend this is, yes, one of my closest. And yet I find that, rather than feeling excitement for the time we'll get to spend together, mostly I feel like this Empress. Too many things to do and not enough time or energy to get them done. I still need to clean, do laundry, set up the air mattress I had to go out and buy, and so much schoolwork to do and how will I keep up with that without leaving her to feel bored, and so on.

I think being a host to most kinds of social events is like this, to some degree, depending on circumstances and temperament of those involved. Whether you are having out of town guests, or hosting a party, or a wedding, anything really...I remember as a kid I hated when we had guests because my virgo mother would shift into MUST CLEAN ALL THE THINGS mode and really, most of the time, whatever the social thing we were doing was, it never really seemed worth all the energy and stress that went into preparing for it.

Casual social things tend to be much nicer. Go out, meet up with someone, do a few things. No champagne flutes or fancy dances needed.

Combination Reading Experiment I

So having tarot cards and an oracle and the arcana stones AND a lenormand now got me thinking... and when I start thinking, sometimes I come up with some funny ideas. What would happen, for example, if I tried doing a reading that combined ALL of those?

So I decided to do just that. Rather than just read for myself as usual, I offered two experimental readings to members of the Aeclectic Tarot forums in exchange for feedback and permission to re-post them here. This is the first of these, including the feedback.

In this case, my sitter asked:
I would like to know if there is potential for me to move to a job that is better suited to my personality anytime soon.

10 of Sticks  |  Rebellion  |  Letter  |  Malachite/Empress

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We start of the reading with the tarot card, in this case the 10 of sticks. The figure here is clearly struggling to move forward while balancing such a large, heavy burden on his back. No doubt this is one of the many times he has had to pause, re-adjust the sticks, keep going. Nonetheless, he is managing it, even if it is slow progress, and no doubt stressful and unpleasant. He can keep going on just as he has been for a while yet. Is it worth it though, to keep on with this burden? Is all that effort getting him to where he wants to be? A lot of the time, when we are under this kind of pressure, so much of how we handle it is attitude - if you know that you need to do what you are doing to get you to your goals, its easier to maintain morale, whereas when things feel rather pointless/like a dead end...

Yup i can definitely understand this card, work is relentlessly busy due to staffing cuts with loads of non-negotiable deadlines made all the harder because i find the actual job painfully tedious so i can see where attitude might come in lol.

The card that follows indicates the latter may be the case, in your situation. Here we have the card titled Rebellion, representing the energies of Mars in Aquarius. Mars is, of course, the planet of war, fire-energy, assertiveness, even aggression; Aquarius tends to be very independent-minded, one that judges the merits of something according to their own principles and values, and not what anyone else might say. Aquarius doesn't tend to just go along when things don't feel like they are working, don't feel right. Here, in the bottom of the image we see a fort, well-defended, well-established. Going up against it can be a difficult prospect, moreso if you consider the authority and power behind it...and yet there, above it, a youth is doing just that - challenging the stylized, ritualized, static figures of authority, of established things. There is not enough freedom in this work situation for you to be happy - the personality aspect of your question, I take it - and you are ready, deep down, to do something about it. You should, in fact, this card says, do something about it, rebel against that burden you are feeling.

This made me snigger a bit because it sounds soooo like me. I work in a typical bureaucracy where there are established ways of doing things regardless of whether or not it makes sense and i'm forever kicking against it. I also tend to value the differences in people and believe everyone has a right to be themselves without judgement but some of the people i work alongside have very rigid views about how people should think/act etc and can often be incredibly petty. Needless to say i don't particularly conform to their world view which doesn't trouble me though it can get wearing at times and i just can't find it in me to go along with them for an easy life lol !!!

And how? On the other side of this card we have the Letter. This card can represent communication, reaching out, and also physical things - letters, documents, diplomas. In this context, this makes me think of resumes - have you updated it recently, perhaps asked someone knowledgeable to look it over for you? What about cover letters? It can be easier to job search with confidence when you know that your 'paperwork' is up to par, and if you haven't started the process yet, it can be a good first step. If you've been thinking of going back to school or some kind of training/course or such, this card suggests that it might be wise - another certificate/diploma/thing to put down on paper might help you along in your search for better work. Lastly, looking at communication more broadly - have you though about how you might network? Phone calls, emails, social networks - anyone who might know of something more suitable thats hiring or the like? Even if it doesn't pay off right away, it might help you to maintain those links in the future.

Although I have a fairly high level of education already because I'd like to try a completely different path, i have been thinking about looking at further study recently though finances are a sticking point for now. It's a good point about updating the resume which is something i haven't looked at in a long time!

Finally, we have the Malachite stone, representing the Empress, which I think ties up the reading quite well. Following the letter card, I think it gives a nice emphasis to the message there - work on developing your credentials, skills, on nurturing those aspects of yourself that will help you advance in your professional life and help you get to where you want to/would rather be. This can be the paper-work stuff, but can also be about nurturing yourself more broadly - about having and projecting confidence, in feeling surer of yourself when you interview, in believing that you deserve to have a job that isn't so burdensome, that you can succeed in finding one and excelling in it. It also emphasizes, I think, that your feelings of 'rebellion' against your current work situation are appropriate: getting out of it will help you grown, perhaps allow your creative side to develop more as well. If you get any flashes of inspiration - ideas of where to apply, who to try to reach out to, perhaps trying to do something more like starting a business of your own, anything like that - don't be afraid to pursue them and see where it goes.

Interestingly I do want to find something that is more creative and have toyed with ideas on looking at self employment though as yet no idea has firmly taken root but maybe i just need to explore that a bit deeper.

Thank you for the reading, it all made sense and tied in quite well with what's going on around me at the moment and has validated some of the things i've been considering.

the falling away of dreams

Funny that these would be the cards that come up for me today...

We have two dragons in this seven of cups, unreal creatures having a tea party, giggling, dreaming impossible things - stars around them, seedlings growing out of the teacups even as they play...

Impossible dreams. I have a good friend. We met in college - she was one of the few people who bothered to really draw me out, to get beyond those walls I build up around myself socially, especially back then. We became friends in large part because, for a couple of semesters, we were basically in all of the same classes - we had remarkably similar interests and yes, dreams, things we wanted to do, work in, achieve...

For me, even back then...the awareness that the highest of those dreams would almost certainly only ever be pipe dreams...too many factors, many out of my control, standing in the way... With her though, it was different. I watched her over the years pursuing those dreams, better-suited to it than I could ever be...and recently, especially, she was awarded an opportunity, one that would put her on a near-certain track to...doing it, getting there. And I was so proud of and happy for her, because I know her, know how good of a job she could do, how her amazing people skills and charisma and compassion would be great for that kind of role.

Last night, I ended up spending quite a while on the phone with her, listening, trying to be supportive. She just got some news, a decision that might...make all of that impossible. There is still the chance of an appeal, but...whether that would work is highly uncertain, to say the least. And she is so upset, afraid, angry at herself for small mistakes made years ago. It's hard to know what to say: I could try to tell her that even if the worst happens, it's not the end of things, that there will always be another beginning, something else to pursue; that life will fall into place somehow, that she can pursue other routes. And yet, I know how hard it is to hear that - not to mention actually believe it - when you are so distraught, so focused on the one disaster unfolding in front of you now. It is hard to see the other possibilities you might still have to grow, to learn, to become a better version of you, when you are so viscerally experiencing your dreams spilling and leaking away all around you...

You keep going. You keep going and you wait for the disappointment to mellow out into a kind of indifference, a resignation you can live with. You keep going and you laugh and joke about pipe dreams, about a younger, sillier you.

I look at the last card and think that maybe I should send her something - a card with a book or a poem of some sort. Will have to think a bit, about what might be appropriate...

Possibility

Remember this; remember this:

You may lose things left and right - possessions, people you once knew, bits of yourself that once seemed important - but in the grand scheme of things, nothing is truly over, done with. Not as long as you can still run; not as long as there is still breath in your lungs, and thoughts in your mind, the possibility of movement.

You can always, always still move forward, seek a new spring, the green of new beginnings tight across the crags and crevices of your body. You can seek another adventure, a new quest, a new focus, something to seek. Seek to get higher than you are now, to rise.

See the world in spirals that rise and fall and rise again. Always, at the very least, possibility - run and leap and perhaps even fly, freed by air, weightless. Airy dreams: less than half a century ago men from two sides of the globe launched themselves into the stars, into space because they refused to believe that doing so was impossible.A bit over a year ago you drove with your cousin to an air field outside of Stockholm and allowed yourself to be pushed out of a plane, to plummet madly through air, laughing, to feel the sharp tug of an unfolding parachute pulling you up again.

That momentum, to launch into new things, to mix and concoct and try again and again, to discover. As long as you remember the attitude of the Fool you will always have at least that: possibility, the seed of swiftness and maybe one day, some day, flight.

academic overview

I thought it would be interesting to turn the tarot-thoughts on a subject I haven't really touched on that much with them in a while - my academic life. Today's cards seemed to agree with that vague intention/seem to speak to that, and so...

This four of cups cards brings to mind my Arabic class, on several levels. I've been feeling rather physically tired overall lately - and mentally too for that matter - and the fact that this class, unlike all my other ones, is a morning class does not improve my enthusiasm for it. I've never been great with morning classes, and one of the thing I love about my grad program is that everything is in the evening. I CAN drag myself to class or work in the morning when I must, sure, but my performance is rarely what it could be later on in the day...

More significant here though, is the mood of the card as a whole, the tired sleepy posture of the figure on the chair and the studied apathy of the one standing up. Dissatisfaction - a why bother type of attitude? I am indeed, I must admit, rather disatisfied with the class so far. Over the summer, in Tunisia, I LOVED studying Arabic. It was challenging, interesting - we got to learn the patterns of the structure of the language, engage with reading and listening to apply that the teacher, even though his English wasn't as great as this new professor's is, could explain things really thoroughly...

As for her...she is a lovely person and, in my opinion, a rather terrible teacher. She doesn't explain things well at all, the haphazard way she assigns homework means I always struggle to remember what I am supposed to do, and really - I just don't LEARN anything. Fortunately most of what we are doing, I learned over the summer, and yet nonetheless - it isn't even a good review. Feels like tedious busywork and a waste of my time. But well - I am financially constrained by the language scholarship to stick with the class until the end of the semester and to, at the very least, do well enough to past with a decentish grade and so...a kind of tired apathy indeed :/

The ten of swords is a bit of a funny card to get in this context, but it does make a kind of sense. It's interesting that here the figure is...dancing among those swords, perhaps a bit melodramatic in posture, surrounded by so many dangers and yet, nonetheless, that graceful movement...

In my other classes, I find myself with a stack of reading to do each week, as always. And what do I read about? I read about the crimes and violence perpetrated by criminal groups, insurgents, terrorists, armies and militias. I read about these from an economic perspective, with complicated equations; with a security studies focus; from a humanitarian and human rights standpoint. Switch between reading about Sicilian mafia bombings to reading about LTTE suicide bombs and PLO hijacking, to all kinds of war crimes. The other week we watched an incredibly graphic documentary in my human rights class about the war crimes perpetrated against Tamil civilians in the final months of the war in Sri Lanka in 2009. And certain images stick in your mind afterwards, as you walk to the bus. The knowledge that people can do these terrible things and walk free with so much impunity because it is so much easier all around to just pretend...that did not happen. And so what if it did, over there, so far away...

I am also a but fearful of the kind of...difficulties that the 10 of swords can represent. I have a lot of papers and presentations due in rather narrow timeslots later on in the semester. I am hoping to get my act together a bit more and get a head start on things but...have been having some trouble focusing and doing that and last time I had multiple long papers and presentations all due within the same week or week and a half it was...a less than fun experience shall we say. Perhaps this is a warning to me in that regard, something to help me get properly motivated. Procrastination does not lead to great things, on the whole.

nifty deck, introvert paradox

So about a week ago or so I got my copy of a deck I've been eagerly looking forward to since I first saw scans of it online before it was fully complete ... the Tarot of the Absurd. I've always loved the idea of a black and white tarot, having a bit of a *thing* for monochrome, and the decks out there, few and far in between, that fit that description...all are lacking a certain something. Light and Shadow is the closest I've found to what I'd been wanting, and lovely though that one may be image-wise...the size and highly mediocre cardstock prevent it from ever really becoming a favorite. This...well, lovely quirky artwork that stretches you in reading and as for the execution? I keep wanting to TOUCH these cards because they feel so nice.

So some work with it, since I got it a nice bag to live in and got myself a phone again to take pictures with until I figure out the camera situation...

I'm reminded by these two cards of one of those paradoxes that come with being an introvert - very much so in my case. When I was younger, I used to have a lot of issues with social anxiety, with thinking that I wasn't 'good with people', In truth, social skills are in large part something that can be learned and improved on and, while speaking will never be my strong point and I doubt I'd ever win any charisma awards, I really am not any worse than the average person at socialization and getting along with people.

The thing about being an introvert is that you don't necessarily WANT to be alone all the time. That gets lonely, and everyone can use someone to talk to, to engage in activities in, to give and get support from. At the same time, being around people can just get so...draining, sometimes. The talk talk talk, the noise, so much going on, different motives and approaches and sometimes maintaining that necessary inner barrier between yourself and the world...tiring, yes.

Yesterday I went with a friend to the National Book Fair and it was a lovely time, listening to some fantasy/sci-fi authors talk and sign books and yet...standing in long lines, sitting in a large crowd of people...always sets me on edge to some degree. So much noise, so much going on. I only grudingly and occassionally use facebook, and avoid other social networks by and large because...they are too overwhelming. Too much going on that I don't want to deal with. There are better things to do with my time.

The feeling when a stranger or acquaintance insists on striking up a conversation when you are in no mood to talk. Listening to other people talk in the library when you just really, really want to work on your own things *silently*. Being obliged to go out and deal with the world on days when you really would just like to hole up by yourself at home.

You don't dislike people or social contact, not at all, and you feel blessed to have as many wonderful people in your life as you do, and yet...