inspiration or hope in unusual places and ways

Just a quick little two-card general advice/food for though draw with another favorite deck, Tarot of the Absurd.

First thought: two majors in such a small spread suggest quite the strong message indeed - interesting.

We have paired The Star and Justice. The Star is a familiar card, featuring as is did in the Thoth two-card reading I posted the other week. A theme, the fact that it is showing up in deck after deck? But look, how different the card is here, both from the imagery of the Thoth's and from the traditional RWS and clones. Here there is no woman reaching up to grasp, nor pouring water from a jug, nothing so esoteric. Instead we have a more bizarre image - A woman walking, perhaps even prancing over the heads of strange beasts, each of of them distinct in their oddity. She is looking down at them with a pair of binoculars, inspecting, fascinated.

Next to her we have a more familiar image for Justice, a sort of classical figure but for the fact that she seems to be dancing, or perhaps entering into some kind of performative fighting stance, rather than standing still and stoic as we more often see her. She has her sword, and her scales, and in this deck she is blindfolded, weighing without seeing what. Her scales are balanced, one empty, the other with a stream of feathers - a reference perhaps to mythology, Maat - falling out of it.

The message I see here:

That inspiration, that hope, that 'dreams' and goals and finding a way to live, are not thing we can only find in the abstract, in pondering, in books. They do not always have to be high-minded things, the products of so much thought, the kind of thing that sounds impressive. Nor do they have to be like anything you would expect, and they do not have to be distant, theoretical things. No, inspiration, healing or hope can be found in things that are strange and even ugly, unpleasant perhaps at first; they can be things mundane, unremarkable to most people, small; they can be found in the world around you, the things you walk over and past and through, the things that grab your attention and hold it and leave you longing to see more, know more, to do it again. And sometimes, finding these things and holding onto them means pushing past that first instinct to judge against already held notions, or to weigh the pros and cons logically and put into organized thoughts emotions you cannot explain. Sometimes it means trying something blind, knowing that there are things, perhaps even significant things that you just do not know, cannot know; it means going in blind, willfully, and that can feel like some kind of tricky, dangerous dance, and it might be tempting to question, to overthink, 'should I, should I really?' and weigh things against what ought and what should. Indeed, sometimes you must recognize that scary and unknowable and bizarre might be worth it even if you don't know why and how and, within reason, go ahead and see, give it a chance.

different kinds of balance

In this particular take on the justice card we have a scale, unbalanced it would see, or perhaps simply in the process of swinging back and forth. We have a card of contrasts and juxtaposition: light and darkness, clear skies and raging storms, peaceful nature the man-made cities, towers, factories. What does it mean to have all of them portrayed just so? The hand move holds what looks to be a clock pointing at the number twelve, noon and midnight, beginnings and ends.

Balance... it was equilibrium that I focused on so many times last year, with Justice as my year card. Balance, the idea of trying to be even-handed, of trying to find that right place in between extremes, of adjusting and carefully weighing and getting it all to just enough, yes, enough.

Life isn't all about things we can balance out through or own efforts though, is it? Part of this 'Justice' and weighing is more in the grand scheme...that some experiences will be balanced out by others, that painful events sometimes lead to good ones, that personal failings we have, but also talents...and so on. People often say things along the lines of evil or suffering being necessary, that there would be no light without darkness, no appreciation of the good times without the bad, and so on.

True enough, I find, though perhaps not as comforting a notion as sometimes put forward to be. There have been times when I have found very much amusement and pleasure from such insignificant things, if only because there was nothing else I could laugh about or focus on. These days...simple moments, the most pedestrian of experiences and such strong appreciation, satisfaction in what someone else might see as utterly unremarkable.

You appreciate how nice it is to go on a walk through a city you like, to enjoy the weather and look around at your surroundings without quite that constant background of gloom, idle fantasies (of say, throwing yourself in front of a car)t hat you could never quite chase away so familiar, ignored and unspoken, same old same old.

You feel so accomplished when you calmly finish a task a few hours or even days ahead of a deadline, rather than staring unable to think or write until it gets so late that you begin to panic as you think of the consequences of failure, of disappointing people, and then stay up for two days straight, not letting yourself do anything else, crying from stress as you make yourself write and write desperately.

You find it to be so wonderfully ordinary when you can let yourself sit in a coffee shop for a few hours alone, drinking a coffee and eating an oatmeal and reading for school because it is such a contrast to so many other experiences, an illusion of sorts and a glimmer of feeling what other people feel when in fact you have not known what it means to eat a normal meal like a normal person since you were fourteen years old and still don't, really.

A constant state of storm certainly does make clear sky days so much more amazing, but perhaps the same would also be true in reversed. Ordinarily I hate rainy days. So much inconvenience, forgetting umbrellas or proper shoes and spending hours wet and cold. It rained once during the ten weeks I spent in Tunisia and I ran out onto the balcony to feel it, because it felt so amazing, after so long without...

Darkness and light and a scale that tips back and forth, back and forth. Justice and balance and what can we have, if not all of both? Is there a way to have the convenience of factory produced gadgets without killing off all those beautiful whales swimming in the sea?

look at the semester ahead

So as I start off yet another semester of grad school and classes and suchlike, I thought it might serve me well to do a general reading about it - what too keep in mind, look out for, etc. Once again I am using my de la Rea tarot and the Comte de Mellet spread. This time, I got quite a few more pairs, and in reading them, a pattern kind of emerged: Major = Theme, Minor = Details.
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In the first pair we have the Devil, wonderfully illustrated here by the particular shapes of these masks (the gold paint really does look much nicer in real life) as well as the smoky effect in the background. In this pair, starting off the reading, we can see a kind of question: what is lost likely to hold me back, tie me down, limit me, take away my attention from the things I should be focusing on? In the minor, the five of cups, we can find that answer. In the Thoth, which this card reminds me of more strongly due to the colors (there too, we have the kind of bright orange-red, as the background), this card is called Disappointment. We have wilted leaves, a pentacle reversed - image often associated with the Devil card as well. In the RWS we have a figure weeping over spilled cups, focusing on what is lost rather than what still stands. Cup within cup within cup here, and on top what looks like a kind of egg or perhaps a pineapple. Shall we reach it, crack it open? Or is it too high up?

Devil is the tendency to focus on the negative, to get lost in feeling sad; a tendency to be blinded by obstacles; disappointment and resignation, weeping over spilt milk, over things that one may wish would get better but they don't, at least not much.

In the second pair we have the Fool as the theme question: Where and how should I be more like the fool, willing to go forward, willing to take risks, willing to have faith and to move forward even if it does mean being bitten in the shins now and again? The minor here is the seven of wands, seven wands firmly rooted in the ground stretching upwards, into the sky. Seven is the Chariot in the major arcana, a card of action and movement and small victories - and wands is the suit of personal growth, of ambition and creative energies. Valour, the thoth says, as as in here shows one powerful rod overcoming and controlling the rest, behind.

To be the fool is to take action and take risks, to DO even when the outcome would be far from certain. Face the world and face insecurities and be willing to challenge myself.

Our third pair presents us with Justice and the 2 of Coins, two cards that speak well to each other. In Justice, with her scales bound to her sword with a serpent that reminds me much of the Caduceus symbol used in medicine, there is the reminder that finding and maintaining equilibrium in life is important even if it isn't a Justice card year for me anymore? And how can I work on channeling this, balance, adjustment as needed. The two of coins, of course. The RWS image of the juggler, keeping the balls in the air with a steady hand: smart multi-tasking, prioritizing, focusing on keeping up with many things at once - and not just the obvious ones like 'x assignment and y application'; taking care of oneself is something that needs to be on the list too. In the Thoth the title for this card is Change, a reminder that life is dynamic, of the need to go with the flow. There are runes on the ribbon in this card - we can use them, and cards, and whatever else to help us navigate these twists and turns and that is fine, but do not resist or despair at the unfamiliar, the end of things and start of others. The snake eats its own tail into infinity because such is the universe, hello and goodbye, loss and starting anew.

Justice is balance, is prioritizing and juggling and switching back and forth as necessary; it is keeping track of things, not getting over-focused on the one task and letting others fall to the wayside. It is taking her of responsibilities as well as the self. It is working with the changes that may come.

Finally we have Death posing a suitably appropriate closing question: what should I let go of, put an end to, cut away? What things have passed their expiration date, their usefulness? Bits and pieces of once nice things lay scattered on the ground here, where the reaper walks and cleans, in his own way. The chariot racing into concrete action is advisable - the chariot racing around in the land of fantasy and dreams, not so much. In the RWS we often see a figure confronted with too large a selection of cups filled with two many things - which to pick, which to pick? Indecision is a a very great shortcoming of mine. Just this Monday I spent about fifteen minutes in the bread aisle while grocery shopping, unable to decide on what to pick to make sandwiches on because SO MANY OPTIONS. Feeling like there are too many options can be almost as paralyzing and difficult as feeling that there are no options at all. What to do, so many things, they spin and how could we grasp at just one, how could we decide? Old things and new clutter together, make a mess, and how can you pick out what it is that you really want, now?

In Death we find a need to sort and clear away the confusion, both physically (I have business cards in my wallet of people I no longer even remember at all 0_o) and mentally. In some areas of my life, it is time to step away from the abstract, to sort out a concrete plan rather than just think and dreaming and despairing. In terms of school assignments I would do well by just choosing a topic rather than wasting time that could be better spent on researching going back and forth with 'but i could do this...or This...or That!'. The blade is no worse than the clutter, and the time comes to make use of it, to cut through that fog that can erupt from the fountain of cups.

current strength and weakness

So to start off a new week with a rather more conventional deck than the last, I'd thought I'd do a bit of self-inventory. A short sort of spread, two cards:

What is my greatest Strength right now?

What is my greatest Weakness?

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Again here we have my year card, Justice. As I wrote a week ago or so, I've been making some strides, small though they may be in the grand scheme of things, to bring some more equilibrium and balance to my life. In the last couple of weeks I've gotten a better handle on some more problematic habits of mine; I also feel more caught up on/on top of my school-work than I did earlier this semester. I've been working more actively on trying to build on my to do list system, to get more organized about things in the longer term as well.

The Druidcraft tarot is known for its rather big-footed people, and this card is no exception. Here, the bare feet on stone remind me that I have gotten more grounded, particularly in the daily type of things I need to be doing. The owl reminds me of wisdom I have, experience, the sword of my ability to harness logic and critical thinking to my advantage. Self-reflection and self-awareness. I generally have confidence in my ability to assess things and think of solutions, when I make an effort at being objective. Both with personal and professional/academic issues, I think this objective, balanced logic of mine is a major strength indeed. I trust my judgement, my ability to weight things. I can follow authority when I feel it is worth following and question it when it needs questioning, and I can separate my personal feelings from my objective assessment in both cases (ie., I hate this, but it is the right thing to do; This is great for me, but the fact that you allow it shows your incompetence.)

The second card in this spread reminds me that, despite my awareness of this and the work I've done to try to develop a more pro-active and positive-minded approach to things, I nonetheless still tend to...focus over-much on the negative. I see both positives and negatives, can appreciate the good, the progress, and yet in my mind I tend to minimize the formerand dwell and brood on the latter. This card is especially apt because for me, it often isn't the dramatic kind of sorrow of the five of cups, but rather the kind of listless apathy of this four - I see the bad cups, the defective cups, the problematic empty cups, and I dwell on them. I think about the future and consequences and implications if the problems remain unsolved, but solving them seems so impossible, such a pipe dream. I dwell and do nothing, despair and resign myself and rediscover my apathy and worry some more and withdraw again into nonchalance.

Of course, changing thinking is especially hard. Action however, is less so: you can, deep down inside, believe that you will never get those cups filled up again, but that doesn't mean you have to continue to just lie there on the branch. You can force yourself up, force yourself to pick up those cups and get to walking towards the water. Perhaps you are right, perhaps you will never make it - but you can certainly still try. My weakness is this kind of resigned apathy that tempts me to give up before I've really even started; self-paralysis, inaction. 

small leaps towards balance

A note: this is definitely one of those relitively few decks where I very much feel the need to read the book/get the creator's perspective before I approach reading the cards, and thus what I write will surely be influenced accordingly.

Two majors to start off the week with the Mary-El tarot - a rather appropriate set, on a couple of levels. Though the card in this deck is titled Justice, I see in it more of the Thoth Adjustment influence than the tradition of the RWS. We have the Egyptian mythology here, Maat with the feather to weigh, to judge. The point of life, in that tradition, was to seek balance, equilibrium, to live and act in such a way that, when the time to be weighed came, your heart would balance out with the feather and your soul would not be eaten up but rather allowed to continue on to the afterlife.

Equilibrium is what strikes me, and reminds me of that word of the year project/idea I wrote about back at the start of the year. A word to focus on, an idea and a goal - I chose Equilibrium because this year is also a Justice year for me, as far as year card calculations are concerned, and I felt that its very much something I could use more of in my life. I must say, on the whole, though I have had some amazing adventures and experiences this year, particularly this summer, up until this week I would have to admit that I don't really think I have made much progress on the whole bringing more balance into my life goal. We have the Fool next to this Justice card though, a dynamic fool, full of energy and passion and most importantly, movement. The waterbearer, dancing with dragon-gods from Mesopotamian mythology, the earliest of human civilization beginnings, and butterflies for transformation. Air is the element of this card, the association in the Thoth. Air can represent intellect, thoughts, the swords suit in the tarot, but also freedom. Is there any greater freedom than the feel of flying through the air, the sky?

I think I may have made progress this week, small, limited, much-caveated but nonetheless real progress. I feel more capable of taking on some things than I did just a few days ago, and that is something.

Speaking of which, the other level at which these cards seem relevant deals with the academic - a very important paper I must write for my Terrorism class by Monday. The fool here I see as myself, at the beginning of my writing process, some ideas spinning around my head but much work still to be done. We had to pick one of six questions to respond to and I wrote a vague outline of an idea for two of them yesterday, since one answer I had to run by the professor and I wanted to have a backup in case he vetoed it. He approved it though, leaving me debating which idea to go with. In the Justice card, I think I have an answer. A prompt to compare the professionalism of two terrorist organizations. My thesis is a rather nuanced, balanced one - that neither was more professional than the other, per se, but that they are/were fundamentally different. Organization A was a hybrid terrorist group and insurgency, with significant conventional force at its disposal at its height. It's armed forces were quite well trained, as were its suicide bombers, etc. It controlled territory and governed it to some degree. Other group, on the other hand, is more professional at pure terrorism, a transnational network with no set location, its leadership having a history of moving when necessary, outsourcing to affiliates around the world, etc. The more conventional nature of the former group was what ultimately allowed it to be defeated, while the more purely asymmetric and loose network structure of the latter why it continues to be a major threat. They were both very professional, but different natures, strengths and weaknesses, etc.

Well, now that I have an idea even more worked out (I do love it when tarot helps me do my academic work), I suppose I should apply some of that fool energy and write a proper outline/draft.

striving for balance, moderation

Both of these really drive home the message today: the need for a balanced approach to things. I was reflecting last night on a draw and on my day, about how I got so little done because I got so stuck on one thing, and just general lack of balance in my life these days and then...these two cards, this morning...

I like some of the little details here...the feet of the angel in the Temperance card, which almost look like little demon paws, showing a possible way to merge, to synthesize various aspects of yourself, the better and those that are more difficult; the wild hair too, seems to indicate that everything doesn't necessarily have to be just so in a balanced approach - its about the broad strokes, making the effort. A winding path in the background leads to a crown, the success that can come from getting things together and under control. In the Justice card we see a meeting...balancing individual needs with obligations to others, your own judgement of things with more communal judgement...balance in terms of not isolating myself as much I have a tendency to do, perhaps...

Have been trying to keep this message in mind today and as a result, even though it's still only early afternoon, the day has already been more productive. I spent the morning baking homemade vegan granola bars in an attempt to be more balanced/healthy with my eating habits during the day. I studied some, also worked on my own Arabic writing project some, dealt with some loan and bill things I needed to get done, and made some progress in job searching - not much progress, to be honest, but more than I've managed to do thus far.

Moderation, balance in small ways, in every day life. Trying not to get so focused or caught up in one thing - good or bad - that so many others slip through my fingers, time flying, me wondering what the hell happened to the day...

My Favorite Majors: Justice

Like The Wheel, Justice/Adjustment is a rather flexible major in terms of meanings in a reading, and similar to what I wrote for that one, it, too, has rather changed/broadened in meaning for me over the years. It;s a major I had trouble connecting with when I first started reading tarot, but one that makes perfect sense to me now. It's my year card this year, too!

It's interesting that this is one of the majors that seems to be most consistently portrayed across decks - regardless of deck theme, art style, system, whatever...almost always we have the scales, the sword. There are quite a few takes on this major I really like, and likewise quite a few that I find singularly unimpressive. I seriously debated choosing Thoth's just because I like it, conceptually, so very much...the title Adjustment REALLY meshes with my take on this card...but in the end, aesthetics informed my decision more, ha.

XI. Justice

Favorite:
There's really a lot I like about this card. The Swedish Witch deck in general is just...the majors are SO symbol-packed, and yet it looks very natural, and perfect for the art. Here we have a feather crown, the whole Maat/justice connection, and the scales and sword, pyramids showing historical connection, the thread throughout time, and the vulture which is not the bird normally associated with justice, in my experience, but which makes me pause and really think about this card in a different way; I like that. I like the balance of the sun and moon (or full and crescent moon, I guess) at her sides, the almost-nakedness combined with the wings, human and divine...a lot of things balanced in this card, which makes sense since it IS a card about balance, equilibrium. Use of color, the white and the red throughout, that dichotomy and all it can be made to represent...peace and war, passion and calm, body and soul...

SO much you can delve into in this card, and it all comes together into this kind of quirky and unique image that I really quite like aesthetically and yes. I really like this take on Justice.

Runner Up:
I debated quite a bit between this and another deck's Justice, but ultimately...I like this one a lot too. It isn't so intellectually engaging or striking to me, as it is comfortable. You take a look at this Justice and just GET it. Her position, her posture speaks of higher authority, which I know the companion book gets into but I honestly only vaguely remember at this point the story behind the major. The colors of her clothes set this off too, the deep indigo and almost-black violet, and there's an almost-classical look to how the folds of the clothes fall around her which reminds be of sculptures in courthouses and monuments. She has the sword, and the scales of course, and there is an owl next to her, which is a more ordinary/appropriate bird for the concept, I guess. I really like that she is sitting in nature, the stone and the sky above her. A comfortable card, as I said. Encompasses everything it needs to quite well.

another take on the year card

So this came up in a draw today, reminding me that yes, Justice is my year card for 2012 and I am supposed to be working on that whole Equilibrium achieving theme word thing...

I'm really realizing now that the majors in the Sun and Moon really are quite Thothy, by and large, in a kind of playful-light way. Here we have the same kind of woman, standing on tiptoe with the moon-hilt sword pointing downwards...maintaining that careful balance, equilibrium, and discerning, weighing, yes. I really do prefer the Thoth title for this card the more I think about it though....Adjustment, a force of nature that simply is, without any human societal value judgement. Justice is too...variable, really. Is the death penalty justice? Is stoning a woman justice? Is a public flogging justice? So much variability and room for argument. Adjustment is simply about....bringing things into the proper balance.

Anyway, there are the familiar Thoth scales here, alpha and omega etched into each but also the ancient Egyptian symbolism of the feather weighed against the heart...it's kind of funny how that particular bit of mythology has gotten to be so pervasive across the esoteric...the same blue-green color as in the Thoth justice too, for wisdom and contemplation, the coolness of air, libra and even the hints at those spheres uniting masculine, feminine, above and below...very much balance, yes. Except here there is also color: the bright yellow dress, energy and light, and of course those vivid orange butterfly wings...

Energy, light and transformation. Active engagement in the adjustment process of equilibrium finding, the balancing act - continuing from the swiftness theme of yesterday, the idea of proactive engagement, in taking what you can for yourself, letting yourself grow and transform into something better, brighter. The yin-yang on the top of the scales here, uniting brightness and dark:

How can I bring my life more in line with that concept? What issues can I take that sharp sword to, wear my bright dress and balance, and adjust?

Tarot Math: logic stays IN the equation

So I decided to have another go at the tarot math spreads from Tarot Dame's blog, since the last time I tried turned out so well for me, and it's such an interesting idea. Today, the simple subtraction spread:

 Adjustment - Queen of Swords = 8 of Cups

Well then: if you remove those Queen of Swords tendencies from a delicately balanced situation, you will fall into indolence, bleakness.

As always with this deck, the message is perfectly apt for me personally, but also interesting to ponder on more in the abstract. I do identify a lot with the Queen of Swords personally, both in positive and negative respects. Logic logic - you can get quite far following cold, hard logic. I like logic because, well, it makes SENSE. If your premises are true, you have access to appropriate information, and your reasoning is sound, you WILL get the right answer if you approach the problem with logic. Your heart and your jerkbrain tendencies can tell you all kinds of things, but if you accept those, listen to them and say: thank you for telling me this is impossible, that there is no way I can do this; logic suggests otherwise, however, and so I am going to go with that... Well, you can make a good bit of progress through life even in the most difficult of circumstances.

The Queen of Swords is cold, logical, and when necessary, ruthless. Sometimes she lacks compassion - for others, and for herself. Sometimes she can grow bitter. Sometimes she might chop away a good bit more or quickly than actually necessary. She might fall prey to all or nothing type reasoning, a kind of tunnel vision, that can be limiting. Approaching ALL situations from her perspective is most definitely NOT a recipe for a healthy, fulfilling life.

And yet nonetheless. The situation from which the subtraction is happening here is Adjustment - another take on my year card, and actually, a title I feel is perhaps even more appropriate than the RWS tradition Justice. Justice has so many connotations of legal systems and established moral or ethnic codes, the idea that something must be 'right' and something else 'wrong'. Adjustment is more of a FORCE, more impersonal, less socially constructed and more simply part of the world. There is a balance here, but it is precarious - standing on tip-toes, everything positioned just so: the slightest change in weight, the littlest shift could send it all tumbling. It requires grace, patience and wisdom to keep it up, adjusted properly. But then, aren't all situations of equilibrium like that? Its that one certain POINT where everything matches up properly, equals out: just a little bit above and below and you have problems again. How many economists have spent how many countless hours calculating equilibrium points for this and that?

Sometimes life situations are certainly like that. You are juggling so many feelings and responsibilities, duties, obligations, needs and wants and problems that you are trying to keep under wraps and people who demand this or that of you - the key to handling those is to find some kind of system that works for you, that lets you work out some kind of balance. For me, this is based heavily on logic, logic, constantly ruthlessly telling myself that no, despite what I feel, I WILL do this or that because I MUST, etc. The queen is a harsh mistress though, and sometimes it could be tempting to just...let go, to just say whatever, screw it, I want to do what I want to do and so I will do it!

But in these particular circumstances it looks like, that would not be a good idea at all. Subtract the Queen and we have the 8 of Cups, Indolence. We have dark skies, thick murky water that would just pull us under, make us slow and heavy and useless. We have no enough water, not enough resources to fill all the cups - scarcity surrounded by plenty but not for us, no. We have dwelling on negativity, on problems rather than acting to find solutions. Self-pity, self-indulgence. It is a miserable experience, waiting in this card, though an easier one: easier to sit around weeping about you troubles and how everything is too complicated and hard so why bother, waiting for someone else to come save you, whatever. Much harder to pick up the sword, force yourself to think of a reasonable game plan to fix the situation, break it down into manageable steps, and then give yourself the kick you need to actually go do it.

Yes, the Queen is useful to keep in the mind sometimes, quite. No subtracting logic, for that leads to bad things.

judging and changing

So another interesting idea to work with/try out. A singular, short reading done by drawing cards from two different decks and then reading them together normally.

So the idea of death as change and all that...familiar enough (at least to tarot readers). beautifully illustrated here. Yes, there definitely come times when we must cut short this or that thread, let the flower wither and die, let the scorpion do his thing. There are times when the situation really does just call for and end, and extending things further is only doing yourself (or possibly, others) a disservice.

The process can be a pain, and difficult, and frightening, but good things come as a result: new growth, new life, new possibilities. The void created by the death can now be filled with something more appropriate. Change is necessary and constant in life and in death and so it goes.

Except sometimes, things get a bit more complicated than that, don't they? Sometimes it's not quite so straightforward as THIS IS BAD, SNIP SNIP and everything taken care of. Sometimes, a part of you KNOWS that you need this end, and yet hesitates: sometimes another part of your mind argues, insists that no, you should give this old situation a chance, not take the risk, avoid the difficulties that come hand in hand with the process of this death.

And sometimes it isn't just in your mind. Sometimes there may be others involved, well meaning or looking after their own interests or some combination of those. Others who will question whether you should change things. Others who might not know how bad the situation really is and might say, no, why shake things up, you have a good thing going on there.

Or they will agree that the situation needs that death-change, might even feel about is more strongly than you do: you need to do it NOW, must do it THIS way, must do it suddenly and completely. This is bad and also this and it would be best if...

And maybe they are totally off base. And maybe they have a point, and you recognize the wisdom in some of what they are saying, but knowing the situation as you do, and knowing yourself, you also know that what they are saying will never work, will never happen - you just CANNOT do it that way.

There are many doors, archway, windows in shadow and lights, ways to go forward, and not all of them can be right for a given situation and if you allow yourself to be distracted by them all...sometimes you need a bit of that metaphorical blindness, deafness. Push away everything else. look deep within yourself, the inner you, the real you, your third eye, your intuition and instincts: what is it that you really want? How do you want to achieve it? Feel the feather of justice, of rightness in your grasp and THINK on it. What is too heavy right now? What do you want to hold onto for a bit longer. What is really, to you, the fairest solution? The most balanced? Sustainable?

If you are going to go ahead and face death, you certainly have the right to do it on your own terms. Not only choosing to do the snipping but also how much, when, how quickly, with who - listen to advice, and listen to your own mind, and then make the BALANCED choice. Not everything your own thoughts and feelings tell you is correct; certainly not everything others can tell you can be. There is some truth in both of those things. Use your objective logic and your instincts and find the right balance and then yes, proceed, proceed.

dealing with disappointment

Another interesting little quick reading/draw i felt was worth writing up here. Planning on putting away the Silicon Dawn for a bit and working with some other decks that I haven't really got to reading with yet, so decided to do this as a kind of final for now read with that deck.

So basically, I applied to this State Dept. Critical Language Scholarship thing a few months ago. I'm studying Arabic, see, and though I knew it was highly unlikely that I would actually succeed and get it, it was free to apply, and if I had gotten it, would of meant several months all expenses paid studying of the language in a country in the Middle East or North Africa. Basically, nothing to lose for trying and much to gain if I actually got it, so why not, right?

Well, I got an email yesterday informing me that I had not, in fact, been selected. As I said, this was pretty much the expected outcome. I had, as I always do, deliberately maintained a fatalistic/realistic attitude and low expectations, so the disappointment factor was limited.

Which is not to say I didn't feel any at all. Been working on this quite useful self help book recently, which works for me because it kinda incorporates aspects of Buddhist philosophy and such also, and one of them that makes lots of sense is about letting yourself feel your emotions, not suppressing/avoiding things, etc. etc. So yes, I was disappointed some. After all, it was a chance to study a language I love learning in a country I very much want to visit/live in, to travel which is one of my favorite things, would have really helped me advance much more in my language skills, etc etc.

But you know, it's pointless to dwell on that which cannot be changed, so I thought it would be useful instead to use this as an opportunity to draw cards with advice on a more generally useful aspect of the situation - how to deal with disappointment.

Again Justice pops up. This is turning into a bit of a theme, isn't it? (I tried out this quarterly spread from Zanna Starr's blog at a tarot meetup today and guess what turned out to be my Quintessence card for the year??) Makes sense though, in this pair.

See, if you want to get anywhere, if you want to lead an interesting and fulfilling life, you need to take risks, take leaps of faith, give things a go because the opportunity is there and well, it's worth a shot. If a man on a dragon appears promising to fly you somewhere amazing, do you really want to say no and stay locked up in the same old boring routine blah blah? So you jump on and go for it. And sometimes it works out. And sometimes you fall on your ass in the cold wet snow. So it goes.

There's no use dwelling on it, really, on beating yourself, on focusing on that negative. It was worth a shot and a shot was what you gave it. As for why it didn't work out? Justice, impartial logic, impartial justice. As in, do not take it personally. It was not meant as some judgement of why you, as a person, or terrible or worthless or anything like that. There were simply many applications, limited slots, and to an impartial judge yours just didn't make the cut. So it goes. There is no point in resenting cold logical sword of justice, is there?

So take a balanced approach. Be fair to yourself, fair to whoever or whatever person or force disappointed you. Equanimity. You lose some, you win some, right? No one can succeed all the time, win at everything. No one is perfect, and if they did or were that would hardly be balanced either. Which is not to say don't take anything from experience. Look objectively, logically, at your own performance or actions, and learn for next time - is there anything you could have done better, handled better? Anything to keep in mind for next time?

Look forward, no back. Focus on the unspilt cups. If someone else, a friend or family member rather than you had been disappointed, had failed, would you berate them for days on end? No? Then don't do it to yourself either. Balance. Ok, you win some, you lose some. This was a lose. Fair enough. I'll keep some lessons in mind for next time, and otherwise shrug, alright, pick myself up and try my hand at something else. So it goes.

2012 Year Card

So, just out of idle intellectual curiosity, decided to calculate my personal year card for 2012, plus 2011 while I was at it, since that year is over now, to see how applicable it in fact was. Pretty simple really, add your day and month of birth to the year in question and voila, there be your card for that year.

It turns out that my year card for 2011 was the Wheel of Fortune - you know, the card that speaks of life's ups and downs, fortunes changing for the worse, then for the better again...in this sense, describes the year pretty well for me on a micro level. I had some really good experiences, and some really difficult times as well. Some experiences were even kind of both, in different ways. This card also speaks a lot about changes - like, major life changes - and again, as I've mentioned in previous posts here, that way very much a 2011 thing. In fact, on my personal journal I kind of wrote out a list of major things that happened in 2011 for me and yeah, there were a lot of moves, shifts, new things happening, trying or doing things for the very first time. I ended the year in a different city, in a new school, in a different job, in a different social situation, with a whole list of new things I'd done, compared to the begining of the year. Mentally too, though less drastically, I think it was a year of some shifting 'wheel-turning' as it were, so yes. I can totally see this as being an appropriate card to describe 2011, in retrospect.

Which brings us to 2012. The year card for this new year is apparently Justice.

So what exactly should I take this to mean, then? Well, Justice is really in a lot of ways a card that speaks to balance, equilibrium, getting things the way they should be and maintaining that. It's objective right, fairness - cold logic. The logic of the sword, sharp and intellectual and unyeilding. It's about deferring to yes, this the right, objectively so, rather than whatever you may feel about the matter. It's connected to society, the people around you, morals as influenced by your surroundings rather than only your own beliefs. It's about doing right - not being judged for it afterwards, really (that's Judgement) but the actual act of DOING it...Setting things right according to objective standards...

This does make a certain sense. There are areas in my life where my approach has certainly been less than balance. See, I have a remarkable ability to be very fair and understanding and empathtic towards other people, and very harsh, judgemental, illogical in my approach to myself, my own actions. There are reasons for that, which this isn't the place for getting into, but suffice to say this is an area that I could very much benefit from working on. I like the objectivity and logic aspect of this especially. I am, as I often state, and INTP. I like logic very much. Many of my actions are dictated by it, and in general I find that doing the thing I know is logical rather than the thing I feel like doing tends to be for the best. So in broad strokes - do that more. Try to bring more balance, more fairness to myself, more equilibrium into my life.

Trying to think too, what this card might mean more externally. I can't imagine it's really a reference to any legal matters, as there are none of those in my life right now (though, I guess, you never know). I suppose again, more proper balance in school, work, social relationships...

A year of...gradual, steady improvement and not too many dramatic changes or shocks, inshallah.

(Incidentally, the last time I had a Justice year was apparently 2003. I was still pretty young then, but I very much remember that as a pretty craptastic year where a lot of things went to hell, so to speak, especially personally/mentally. So uh, I suppose that was a year in which balance was in the forefront for its lack?) In any case, yeah, inshallah in 2012 there will be plenty, not dearth :]