Story Time - Futility and Faith

Figured another go at this exercise was in order - it's a break from purely academic writing, at the very least ;]

Perhaps once they had struggled, screamed, fought back terror with sharpened swords. Perhaps they started out full of determination, a zeal that slowly transformed into frustration and, later still, simple exhaustion. Where did their armor go, their clothes? Abandoned, too heavy to carry; sold for a bite to eat, fuel to fight a bit more.

Now they no longer notice the hunger that gnaws at their bellies, the prickle of cold against their bare skin. The serpents they once struggled against fill the room, knot into each other as they slither round and round on the floor. Even the swords have defected, increasingly snake-like in form. The two of them do not care, do not look at each other, the snakes, anything else. Even disgust is gone from their senses - careless to the feel of snake against the soles of their feet. They sit motionless on top of me, watch time pass, breath, dream, disappear bit by bit into uselessness.

Even the stupid dog is better off, still scurrying on in search of half-remembered treats. He goes on, stopping at every tree for a sniff, a leap, a lick. Each time he finds only coins, dull and cold, where once perhaps a fruit had once grown. You think he would learn, stop trying, but of course dogs never do. On and on until he sees a single bloom, something sweet perhaps in a while, but how long will it take to ripen and mature, and longer still to fall - silly dogs cannot climb trees, after all. Why does he wait so long, so patiently, eyes never leaving the prize that may or may not come to be?

There are some in this world like that dog, with their faith, looking about and going on until hear the call, the trumpets blowing, the stork clutching a new opportunity, a chance to try again. They look up at the moon and the stars night after night, straining their eyes and their ears, ready and willing when it finally comes. They are willing, even after so much failure and loss, to deal with pain, the birth of a new aeon, so much necessary change. They find the fruit, finally: pain in the midst of so much sound and so many beautiful colors above them.

Others keep eyelids shut, see nothing, hear only the same endless hissing and slithering.

Away from Judgement

What does it mean, to be walking away from Judgement in the new year? In the previous part of this exercise I saw walking towards fulfilling potential ideas and dreams...in the Judgement card, I see a couple of ways that kind of momentum can be halted.

Taken most literally - yes, judgement, the internal critic. You have an idea and then you start to question it, question yourself, your abilities, your ability to convey your worth, if any, in applications and such. It's easy, from the perspective of those on the ground, to look up at the shining angels, the golden glow around them, and think: I can never be like that, that good. There are too many things holding me back. Why bother dreaming, trying.

On the other hand, in the sense that this card is often representative of the idea of 'the call' I can see the issue being one in which...you hear it, yes, recognize that you must make a decision, take action; recognize and stop at that - dither, overwhelmed.

Lastly, Judgement can be a card of rebirth, renewal, entering into a new Aeon and starting things all over again from scratch. The idea that change must be radical, all or nothing, go away from the familiar completely...that it is only by throwing out all of the old that you can move forward...this can either lead you to lose far more than you really needed to or, unable to give up so much at once, end up doing nothing at all.

Obstacles yes: self criticism, indecision, all or nothing attitudes. All things that I have been guilty of in the past. Better to walk away from these indeed.

pondering quotes again

“It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.”

- Chinese Proverb

"All compromise is based on give and take, but there can be no give and take on fundamentals. Any compromise on mere fundamentals is a surrender. For it is all give and no take."

- Mahatma Gandhi 

"Have a bias toward action - let's see something happen now. You can break that big plan into small steps and take the first step right away."

- Indira Gandhi

My Favorite Majors: Judgement

Wow - up to the second-to-last in this favorite of major arcana series. What shall I follow with once this is through? Shall have to ponder that a bit...

Anyway, onto the card at hand. This one, I must admit, is funny in its own way in that...the message of the card, once I got the nuances relatively straightened out in my mind (such as Judgement vs. Justice, Judgement vs. Tower, etc), resonates quite strongly with me, and yet the actual IMAGERY in most decks does nothing for me, one of the most blah cards in the deck. This is likely to do with the fact that both the RWS and TdM traditions rather strongly reflect christian archetypes, particularly those to do with the afterlife and morality (ie. last judgement [for sins]) which, given my personal belief system, really don't do it for me at all. So in many ways and in many decks, reading this card comes down to reading despite the card image rather than through it.

There are of course, a number of exceptions, and these tend to be quite lovely. Was not too hard to pick my two favorites this time. I do realize that this series has a lot of repetition in terms of the decks that my choices come from but...what can I say? My favorite decks are favorites for a reason.

XX. Judgement 

Favorite:
I must say that really, I just LOVE the colors in both of these takes on the Judgement card. Nothing blah about these from an aesthetic perspective - quite the contrary really, the bright blue and orange jumps right out at you, demands some attention. The colors feel so alive, and I love the way that the sun illuminates the people at the bottom of the card in the Nusantara tarot. Speaking of those people - I've said it before and I'll say it again...I just adore how this deck manages to hew so closely to the spirit of the RWS, quite close enough to be considered a clone, and yet has its own take on everything, completely removed from the traditional western-centric christian-inspired aspects of the imagery. Instead of creepy zombie people crawling out of graves we see a group of various genders and ages rising up out of water, which to me encompasses the idea of listening to a call, reaching up for a new start, so much better. You have the trumpet metaphor, the higher being, angel, the rolling water - yes, listen, yes, it is time, yes choose, yes rise. The card speaks to me. The composition works really well too, and yeah. The colors...such eye candy for me....
 

Runner Up:
First of all, I know I've written a bit about my take on this card in past posts and don't want to repeat myself too much, but it really is one of several of the majors where...I so, so much appreciate and agree with the Crowley Thoth's take as opposed to the RWS...just makes so much more SENSE to my mind.  The ancient goddess nut stretching out over the world, the bold colors (interesting how closely these two cards mirror each other in color scheme!), the astrological association with pure elemental fire, renewal, the burning away of the old, new wild energy. The symbolism of the old god, the old ways, sitting static and tired in the background, small. And in front, the new god, young still, transparent, the coming of a new age, Aeon, transformation, deliberate, and you stay mindful of the old, the way that you can see through him, but that isn't you anymore, shouldn't be; time to leave it behind, listen, judge, choose what to take with you in the future, deliberate. Symbolism-rich and aesthetically stunning - what's not to love?

another deck, another quote set

“Do not wait for the last judgment. It comes every day.” 

-Albert Camus

"Destiny is not a matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: it is not to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."

-William Jennings Bryant

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing."

-Theodore Roosevelt

Something rather different!

So I attended a local tarot society meetup last Saturday, and there procured a set of Arcana Stones. These are a nifty take on divination - Rachel chose 22 different crystals to represent all of the major arcana in the tarot. The stones are a self-contained method of divination, with a drop sheet based on the astrological houses to use with them. But seeing as a) I haven't had time yet to have a proper read through of Rachel's booklet about the houses and b) I really like using tarot cards themselves, I thought up a combined method of divination that uses both a tarot deck (the Thoth, specifically) and the stones.

Since I just finished up my last exam today, I decided to do a reading for myself on the topic of Advice for the next few weeks/What I should focus on between now and when I leave for my adventure in Tunisia.

What follows is my attempt at explaining the method/reading, which hopefully will make as much sense in words as it does to me in my head. ;]

So first, I shuffle/cut/fan the deck according to my usual reading method, and lay out a certain number of cards, face down. I like evenness when doing this, so either multiples of two (4, 6, 8) or a nice square made up of nine cards. Mostly this just depends on how many cards I want to potentially have in a reading/how big of a spread I feel like dealing with. For this, I decided six cards would work for me. After I have the cards out, I take the black satin bag with the stones, shake them up, and with eyes closed grab a small handful and drop them, without looking, down on the cards.

Stones can either be directly on top of one card, or linking two cards together. Any stones that don't fall on a card get removed; any cards without a stone on them are likewise removed. Then, the cards are turned over, with the stones left on them. Cards are read normally, but with the stones and the arcana they represent adding additional layers of meaning to the cards they are on or the cards that they are linking. Rather than a formal spread, I read the message intuitively.

So, we basically see two separate but related messages here, as the visual shows. On the left we have the Aeon and the 10 of Swords. The fiery reddish tones definitely a theme here. Essentially, the Aeon, Thoth's counterpart to Judgement, is a card of decision, of the fading of the old to make way for the new. We see have illustrated the ancient Egyptian belief about the dusk and dawn, the rebirth of the sun each day. It's a dynamic card, movement towards a new age. And indeed, a lot of things are obviously in flux for me. The end of the school year, the end of my living situation, the beginning of a long summer full of many new things to do, plans. Connected to this card in the 10 of swords, which is also a change...of sorts. Ruin, destruction, the end of things which must end, pain and chaos. the piercing of that heart in the center of the swords...As I have mentioned before, this has rather been a year of highs and lows, and there are definitely aspects of my own actions, approach to things that have been less than positive, that I would be rather better off leaving behind as I go into that sea of change that is the Aeon...

And indeed, the stone that links these two cards is the Rose Quartz, representing Temperance, or Art in the Thoth. Art is an alchemist, a mad scientist, a healer. It's a card of synthesis, of combining and taking away, of healing, of a more moderate, balanced approach to things, experimenting and renewing and..yes, an ongoing process, and one to keep in mind as I move ahead. I have done new things, lived with old, familiar things...and now, with all this changing and packing and sorting, what better a time to decide what would be best to keep and what to let go of? A time for balancing, for equilibrium seeking; and indeed, the stone of the Aeon card is Aventurine, representing justice. The cool blue-green tones to balance out all the red...balance, using my mind to figure out what is worth taking with me into the new 'age' of the next few months and what best to leave behind. What will serve me and what will hold me back? What kind of chaos am I ready to let go of?

The second set of three cards enforce this theme on a more practical level, which makes sense given the disks suit we see here. We have at the bottom the 6 of disks, for success, especially materially. the balanced glow of that star, the rose at the center. This I see as the school year completed, half of my Masters program behind me, difficult classes and assignments and all of that, the sense of accomplishment and relief because finally, finally I am DONE. But the stone on top of this card is Mahogany Obsidian, representing Death. Yes, transformation, evolution - I barely have time to dwell on this success, because already there are all these new important things I MUST focus on because there is so little time to get them done in. It is time for a shift in focus, away from what I have gotten done and towards the new. In fact,this card is connected to the next with Botswana Agate, which represents the Wheel: what clearer way to emphasize that things are rolling forward?

How? Well, we have the Empress. Time to nurture, to grow, to focus on creativity, on inspiration, on using my inner resources to make things happen. I will need some ingenuity to get things done, and well, once I get the bulk of logistics preparation done with, I do hope much of my summer and my time in Tunisia will be a time where I can really focus on doing creative things and things that inspire me - taking pictures, writing, reading, working with tarot, exploring, teaching myself new things. I am also struck by the idea that the whole nurturing message - if I made more of an effort to take care of myself better now that I have more time to...well, easier to get things done if you feel physically healthier, right? As for the stone on the Empress, the Fluorite represents the Hermit, which makes perfect sense: by and large, much of what I am going to be doing, and what I have to do, is going to be me going at it solo. Motivating myself, and getting the most out of these experiences by myself, is a good thing to aim for. At the same time, Hermit can also sometimes indicate a guide or mentor, that shining light - don't be afraid to ask for help when appropriate, if doing so will make moving forward easier.

Finally, we have 5 of disks, Worry. No stone directly on this card, which I take to mean that it's more of an addendum than a strong message in itself - and well, yes, the whole reason that I am doing a reading on this subject is because I feel a bit stress, overwhelmed, and worried about all that I have to do in the next few weeks, the material realm logistics of everything...I always have this feeling that I am 'good' at academics but less capable at 'life skills' and so much of what I have to do falls under umbrella of the latter...but the connecting stone between this and the Empress is Carnelian, which represents the Emperor: organization, self-discipline, a strict, methodical, no-nonsense approach to things. Combined with the raw creativity and inspiration of the Empress, this approach WILL lead to getting things done, thus addressing the concerns of this card. Just...really need to channel that organization and self-discipline, the Aries energy, fire.

-
So yes, I quite like this reading method and will likely be playing with it more in the future. Though possibly with fewer cards because even just the five...this was a bit long to type up, and in addition to being lazy, I wonder too if this makes for over-long tl;dr reading.

Judgement-Call Time

I quite like this take on Judgement. Instead of the very traditional RWS "Last Judgement" image of the angel calling folks out of their graves we simply have a cloaked figure blowing the trumpet boldly. There is a lot of orange in this card - the sun, rising up from behind the clouds. Dawn colors here. We see a new day about to begin. In front of the figure, also, we see flowers blossoming, blooming, showing that new things aren't always huge big picture changes but also the more pedestrian details, sitting there in front of you.

Judgement asks that you make that call. Take the action, make the decision about what is right, what you will do, which way to go. It asks that you take the future into your own hands.

I have trouble with this kind of thing, with making decisions of any sort, be they large or small. For example, this is my last reading with the Aquarian for now. Planning on switching to another deck for a week or two, tomorrow. But which one? I cannot decide. Go back and forth over it. I know it doesn't really matter, and for me, this kind of indecision is almost never really about being afraid of choosing wrong. I simply just cannot...pick, sometimes.

On bigger issues too, this is relevant, especially now. I have a lot of decisions to make in the near future, judgement calls. Do I try to stay in the same apartment for another year and deal with the issues I have with it, or go through all the trouble of finding somewhere new? Which of the two major options, both of which have serious opportunity costs, drawbacks as well as benefits, do I go with for my summer plans? What do I do next fall? Small decisions and very large ones abound.

With some things, I really wish I could talk to someone about things. For the indecisive person, having external input, validation, or even letting someone else make a decision for you can be so NICE...and yet, sometimes there isn't anyone knowledgeable and/or interested enough to talk to. Sometimes you've already gotten what input or advice the people that care have for you, and ultimately the rest is in your hands. You want facts and figures and exact research and instead you just have...a vague gut feeling, your own logic, reason and judgement to go by. Only that.

This card, I think, is a reminder of the fact that the time for making those choices, for figuring out which options and opportunities to pursue, is fast approaching. Many of these decisions of mine, especially the larger ones, are time-sensitive. I simply cannot go on dallying, weighing pros and cons and thinking in circles for very much longer. Sometimes you just need to be brave, be bold. Go on a limb. Choose what seems best, swallow your doubts, and let your breath become sound, become momentum, that rising sun...

dream-skating, transformation

It seems rather apt, to have drawn these this morning. Busy, stressful, and frustrating day yesterday. Especially frustration with myself. I have a long history of not dealing very well or in healthy ways with such feelings, especially when its such a pile of one thing on top of the other...

Last night after getting home (from EIGHT straight hours of class >.<) I decided, quarter to midnight, to go rollerblading to deal with some of my nervous energy. Perhaps not the wisest idea, objectively, some might say, but...it was very nice. The streets are almost empty of cars in the middle of the night near me, so skating was very enjoyable. I went from my apartment to the Capitol, then round and round in circles in front it, that great symbol of this nation's goverment illuminated by night lights...I skated around the Air and Space museum, other Smithsonian buildings, up to the Washington monument...

It's really relaxing to just move your body and let your thoughts flow where they might. Imagination, triggered by all the architecture of the museums, monuments, government buildings...thinking about dreams and possibilities, what is and isn't in your grasp, lives and other lives, this world, alternate worlds - fantasy and reality, optimism and fatalism all a jumbled mix in the brain. The image of this Princess of Cups so very much reflects how I felt last night, skating in the warm breeze at night, moving and flowing in waking dreams, reality and disreality, those moments where anything feels possible and nothing feels fully real...

And of course, Aeon, the new age, the Judgement call, time to make decisions about which way forward, to commit to something...what do you want to take with you into the future? What have you already left behind? What have you mostly moved past, that should stay there in past, in memories... It's tempting sometimes, to go back to silly habits we had when we were young, the way that, I imagine, a former smoker might, in times of stress, wish for a cigarette even decades after dropping the habit. They're like that, aren't they, addictions and habits and less than ideal coping mechanisms that are nonetheless familiar - always in the back of your mind, a wisp, sensory memory, a little bit of an itch? The old horus figure in the background of this card, symbol of the old age, sitting there - you can never really forget who you once were, the actions you once took...but you can move forward. You can decide what you want to do NOW - the new figure, transparent, still forming.

Finger to lips, shush. There is no need to speak of it, to make bold declarations. Think,  weigh and ponder and plan and then act, DO. Actions speak louder than words. Who do you want to become, now? Which of the multitude of floating thoughts in your mind do you want to try to make tangible? I woke up this morning surprisingly energized considering how much sleep I actually got - perhaps this cup princess night skating should become a new habit. Transformation - aeons past and aeons future and action and choices and dreams....

repeating message

It's funny, really, the way tarot tends to tell you exactly what you need to hear. This is one of the reasons I actually find doing general/non-specific readings and draws to be an interesting/worthwhile exercise. When you ask a specific question, you get a specific answer (assuming the question was appropriately phrased and answerable, that is.) When you just let the cards say what they will...they do, haha.

Sometimes what they tell you isn't what you want to hear. Sometimes, you're fine with hearing it, and you can recognize the rightness of the message. But...follow through? Not so much.

Like good advice from a well meaning friend. Thank you, I appreciate your input you say, nod, mean it. And then you just...continue on as it were.

And then the message shows up again. In another deck, and another, months later, somewhat differently 'phrased' but the same basic meaning, yes.

Like this, last night, was trying to draw cards for a random tarot-based creative writing exercise idea I had and yet these were so very clearly a message for me I couldn't do anything else with them. I love this Judgement card, by the by. The universe is playing her jazz, calling you up - look at all those souls listening, following the rhythm, making the choice to move on, move forward move upwards toward bigger and better things and where are you, exactly? Listening to those notes on the ground but not feeling them in your bones, your soul, not really. Ignoring because its easier. Because to listen to the call you have to make a choice. You already know what's working in your life and what isn't. Judgement is CHOOSING to do something about it. Choosing what to take with you in that climb higher and what to leave behind.

What could you have in this life, if you were willing to make that decision, to take that great leap, to strip away everything that bogs you down, that smothers you under a thick heap and just climb, naked, the essential soul-you, beyond it? What could you do? What could you attain? Who could you be?

Anyone, anything, everything. Whatever you could hold in your grip, whatever you wanted to pursue - well, within reason of course, but the possibilities, comparatively speaking.

It's all a matter of potential, isn't it? How much potential do you have? What could you accomplish if you had the energy and motivation and power and confidence to really grasp at those opportunities, those maybes, those dreams?

And in whose power is it to change all that, to start something new? Who can make that decision? Who?
You, always you, only you. It is in you r hands, your clutched fingertips the coins, to have, to hold, to drop. You ears listening, your hands trembling and what will you do? How long will this go on for? You, you, you. No one else can do anything for you here - it is all YOU and you know what's called for.

Repetitive messages...

But now shrinks the place where you stand:
Where now, stripped by shade, will you go?
Upward. Grope your way up.
Thinner you grow, less knowable, finer.
Finer: a thread by which
it wants to be lowered, the star:
to float farther down, down below
where it sees itself gleam: in the swell
of wandering words.

--
*poem excerpt from Speak, You Also by Paul Celan 

academia-related

so, well - compartamentalization is one thing, but...i'm a graduate student and it is finals week. we all know what's on my mind. so why not read some more on it, eh? multi-tasking for the win, man :D

decided to have a go with the Spanish tarot this time. I must say, Fournier makes some nice card-stock decks if this and the Balbi are any indication. Also, can I say again, how much I love the colors on the Spanish? One of the main reasons I'm so averse to most traditional Marseilles decks is the very primary coloring of them. Some people see that as I plus. Me? Ick. The Spanish, on the hand, makes use of much more complex hues, and they just complement each other so nicely on the cards and...yeah. I do love this deck.

Also, one more related general note: I'm kind of in the process of settling into a good, workable style of reading unillustrated pips. My method has long been just...I lay down the card and an image or images of the card from other, illustrated decks comes to mind and the meanings come to me and I go from there. But after listening to a presentation by Lee Bursten about reading pips using trumps-based method, been experimenting with that as well. By and large, I think I'm settling into kind of...using both. Either. Complementary. Nuances and so on.

---
so yeah, - two sets of pairs:
The first pair general advice: I have a second paper to do, research and analysis heavy, which I only have an outline of and less than 24 hours to finish final draft. Advice for getting in done, for how to approach the situation, etcc.
Second pair a bit more experimental - insight, ideas, something to consider about the actual CONTENT of the paper which I am writing.

this was an interesting pair as advice because at first it seems more like...disheartening description of my situation than advice. reversed strenght - the feeling that things are out of my control, out of my hands, unsure if I can handle this, if I can actually force out another paper of acceptable quality right after finishing the first. Combined with the more RWS based take on the 8 of Swords, the feeling of being trapped. I have to do this, because I am a student and that means that there are finals that are worth so much of your grade that you must do by certain deadlines regardless of what is going on in your mind or your life, That I must but I don't know if I can find it in myself to tackle that lion again. The swords entwined with each other like bars on a cage...

But of course there is that second layer of meaning to the 8 of swords, the fact that in the traditional imagery, the woman may be blind-folded, and she may certainly FEEL trapped between that cage-like arrangement of swords, and maybe her hands are even bound but: dude, if you are surrounded by frickin swords, you can totally cut away your restraints, sqeeze out in-between the things and you know, be on your merry way. It's only your mind, your own lack of confidence and sense of hopelessness/helplessness stopping you, when push comes to shove. Which takes us to the other way of reading this card, Lee's trumps method: in the Major Arcana, 8 in Marseilles tradition decks is associated with Justice. With equalization, balance, scales, making things right. Right-thinking, we could say, in the 8 of Swords.

So what is the advice here, then? To adjust my thinking. My mind. Organize thoughts, positive thoughts, pro-active thoughts, motivated thoughts, focused thoughts. Right-mindedness. The best way I can help myself is to find some kind of mental equilibrium in my approach to this.

now, not to tl;dr over-much on my very much non-tarot related paper here, but...I am writing about prospects for successful integration of Islamist groups in democratic political systems with focus on post-Arab Spring North African states, comparing Islamist groups in Algeria & Libya with those in Tunisia and Morocco...

and yeah, this is actually QUITE apt, haha. The two of cups represents partnership, doesn't it? Successful synergy of two forces, to people, two ideas, working together, cooperation, 'all you need is love'. This works very well with my basic idea/thesis that yes, it IS possible for Islamists to be part of and even at the head of a democracy without it turning into same crazy theocratic state in the mold of Iran. That events unfolding in Tunisia and Morocco (as well as the exmple of Turkey) show that Islamist and Democracy are not inherently incapatable. Also my secondary idea/thesis, that the degree of extremism and violence espoused by Islamist groups and individuals (ie. progessive radicalization of Qutb, for example) is very much a reflection of the degree of repression and marginalization they face from the state, ie being treated like a partner, cooperation, tends to lead to more moderate stance as seen in Ennahda today...

as for judgement reversed, yeah, just kind of backing that up. Rejecting the widely held auto-assumptions that Islamist groups must be inherently bad, inherently anti-Western and anti-human rights and threat to US security and that repression (or support of repressive allied regimes) is the only option. Also, I think, good to point out the non judgement idea in that like...I'm essentially arguing that Islamist groups should be given a fair chance to peacefully particupate in legitimate political processes. Do I personally believe the ideas they espouse? Well, I'm an atheist and a feminist, really so...at least on the less-moderate end of things, very much no. But the thing about freedom of speech, democracy etc. is...for it to be REAL everyone has to have a chance to have their say and make their pitch, regardless of whether you agree with the ideas they are arguing for.

So yeah, actually that helped me a lot in organizing my core idea :0

Yay to multi-tasking tarot fun times!
(this is kinda like the time I wrote my grad school application essays based off a tarot reading, haha...)