on longing and dread

Just asking this question: Where am I at - with things in general, in my head, etc.?

Besides neatly illustrating the unusual way that the Silicon Dawn switches the elemental associations of the wands and pentacles/disks suits, the Six of Wands and Seven of Disks offer an interesting contrast of imagery here...

The Six of Wands shows an insect-like figure, the queen bee perhaps, generously sharing her pots of honey with a group delighted to receive it. She is in a comfortable position - confident and successful, able to share the fruits of her successes with others, the work she did so that she could do just that - to give but also to be appreciated for giving, for sharing. Even truly altruistic acts of giving, sharing, working to help others have an aspect of that after all, don't they? If nothing else, there is the feeling of knowing whatever you produced or gave or shared or did is good, is something others enjoy, want, appreciate having, that you are able to do that, the validation of knowing that about yourself. Here we see the benefits of a positive cycle, of acts that improve your own position in life, and which allow you to do something that also benefits others, enriching their lives as you enrich your own. It is an image of the kind of meaningful existence I long for these days, and which usually seems quite far out of reach.

On the other hand, in the Seven of Disks we see a centaur-like figure standing in the looming shadows of forbidding buildings, tall, colds exteriors that threaten to crush, to suffocate. A bird caws in one of the windows, perhaps shrieking at the potential intruder, perhaps trying to escape. Everything feels too intense here, dangerous, and there is no clearly outlined path, nowhere that really looks comfortable or safe. There is dread, there is the sense of being overwhelmed, paralyzed perhaps with fear or uncertainly. What's interesting is that there is no clear threat, for all the fear and dread and looming pictured, nothing that we can point to, there, that is the danger. How much of the image is a matter of perception? Are the building truly looming in a threatening way, or does it just seem that way to the figure? Some days even the most mundane things can feel overwhelming, sometimes a simple board game can serve as a reminder of all your feelings of being a failure and isn't it fitting that 'Failure' is what this card is titled, for example, in the Thoth? How much is merely perception, and what kind of difference does that make to the figure cowering, in that moment?

This is where I am, it seems, stuck between longing and dread: wanting to be able to create and contribute and give, but feeling stuck, overwhelmed by so many ordinary, everyday things.

on being in motion

The eight of wands, or Sticks as this deck calls them, is a card that speaks of being in motion, of movement - whether that be physical, literal, or in thought and realization. It is a card of going, of doing, of energy. It can also be the card of swiftness, of needing to act and to decide now rather than later, of acting in the moment.

Here we see three women moving, running and leaping forward through the woods. The women resemble each other in appearance and motion, but each goes about her way at different speeds, on the ground or almost sailing in the air above it. Their bodies are flexible, bending and stretching as far as needing to move past the trees, their obstacles.

I had a bit of a busy couple of days - not in the sense of doing anything significant or important, but just...places to go, people to see, buses to other cities to take. I have trouble not getting exhausted and overwhelmed sometimes by the logistics, particularly since I'm out of the habit of doing very much at once, lately.

Here, I see a reminder - sometimes you just need to keep moving, get your shit together and go where you need to go, do what you need to do; sometimes you just have to do whatever it is now, not later. In helps to remember that there are different ways of being in motions, different approaches to getting where you need to go, ways to adjust to your needs and capabilities; it helps to remember to be flexible, to remember that you are dynamic - make it work for you, the swiftness.

inspiration or hope in unusual places and ways

Just a quick little two-card general advice/food for though draw with another favorite deck, Tarot of the Absurd.

First thought: two majors in such a small spread suggest quite the strong message indeed - interesting.

We have paired The Star and Justice. The Star is a familiar card, featuring as is did in the Thoth two-card reading I posted the other week. A theme, the fact that it is showing up in deck after deck? But look, how different the card is here, both from the imagery of the Thoth's and from the traditional RWS and clones. Here there is no woman reaching up to grasp, nor pouring water from a jug, nothing so esoteric. Instead we have a more bizarre image - A woman walking, perhaps even prancing over the heads of strange beasts, each of of them distinct in their oddity. She is looking down at them with a pair of binoculars, inspecting, fascinated.

Next to her we have a more familiar image for Justice, a sort of classical figure but for the fact that she seems to be dancing, or perhaps entering into some kind of performative fighting stance, rather than standing still and stoic as we more often see her. She has her sword, and her scales, and in this deck she is blindfolded, weighing without seeing what. Her scales are balanced, one empty, the other with a stream of feathers - a reference perhaps to mythology, Maat - falling out of it.

The message I see here:

That inspiration, that hope, that 'dreams' and goals and finding a way to live, are not thing we can only find in the abstract, in pondering, in books. They do not always have to be high-minded things, the products of so much thought, the kind of thing that sounds impressive. Nor do they have to be like anything you would expect, and they do not have to be distant, theoretical things. No, inspiration, healing or hope can be found in things that are strange and even ugly, unpleasant perhaps at first; they can be things mundane, unremarkable to most people, small; they can be found in the world around you, the things you walk over and past and through, the things that grab your attention and hold it and leave you longing to see more, know more, to do it again. And sometimes, finding these things and holding onto them means pushing past that first instinct to judge against already held notions, or to weigh the pros and cons logically and put into organized thoughts emotions you cannot explain. Sometimes it means trying something blind, knowing that there are things, perhaps even significant things that you just do not know, cannot know; it means going in blind, willfully, and that can feel like some kind of tricky, dangerous dance, and it might be tempting to question, to overthink, 'should I, should I really?' and weigh things against what ought and what should. Indeed, sometimes you must recognize that scary and unknowable and bizarre might be worth it even if you don't know why and how and, within reason, go ahead and see, give it a chance.

realities and dreams

(I've been working my way back into tarot things with small 1-2 card draws. Figured it was time to try to work my way into writing about them too...)

Right now, what do I need to know, remember to keep in mind, understand and internalize?

For me, the Thoth is a deck I've been able to read intuitively since I first picked it up, but also one with many layers to delve into and expand on; it's also a deck that tends to give me kick in the ass type blunt messages and answers, but in a positive way. This quick draw is no exception, it would seem.

We have the The Star and the Queen of Wands, and right away the visual juxtaposition is striking: two powerful female figures side by side, a study in contrasts. The Star is sinuous, flexible; her body, like the water she pours, seems to flow. She seems softer somehow, yet also more distant, unearthly in color, unknowable with her face turned away, looked elsewhere, grasping up. The Queen, on the other hand, appears more rigid, still, looming rather than flowing. Her card is awash with warm colors, she herself abstracted yet still recognizable as a real person. She is also much more direct, face forward and head tilted downwards, slightly, towards the reader. Another difference: the star is alone on her distant planet; the Queen sits with her feline companion, resting one hand on its head.

The Star traditionally represents hope, but also inspiration. It speaks of cleansing, of healing, of reaching farther for more. In this pairing, the color contrast brings to mind the logic-feeling dichotomy - the Star speaking to the intellect, to high ideas pondered in the abstract, to possibilities, to 'dreams. The Queen, meanwhile, speaks to more pragmatic concerns, to the actual person behind the big ideas, the person that needs those little material comforts and needs to wonders how to even try to approach the big picture, and yes, in this case, to emotion.

It might seem a bit strange, that the card that represents inspiration, healing, hope, insight would represent the logical part of my mind rather than the emotional, but it makes sense. Tell me to FEEL hope, to think with feeling about what I want in life, what I would like to do, where I might be going, and you will not get much of a satisfying response. How does one even feel things like that, emotionally? My mind is too much a mess most of the time to know. No, it is the intellectual, the logical that has always driven me: my love of learning and knowing all the things, and the things my need to know has lead to to learn, and my desire to do something about them, to make some kind of a positive difference, my love of knowing even if the thing I am getting to know is unimaginably depressing, everything I have ever reached and grasped for has stemmed from that part of me. The distant, spacey, sometimes lacking in common-sense and too detached from reality thinking part of me is all of that. Here, I think this Star is a reminder, to think about those things, those ideas, those interests that have inspired me in the past to anything of substance I've managed to do, think about what I would reach for if I thought I could, think detached from reality for a moment if I must but yes, that part of me is the one that can imagine how to change things, what to aim for, the part that might just find enough motivation in the big-picture sense.

If the Star is talking about what I need to do in a larger sense, the Queen of Wands here refers to the question of how, how to actually do something, how to actually grasp hold of that and actually DO something with it, some real progress: a reminder of confidence, of holding onto the things you know you are good at, the things you KNOW you can do, cultivating some kind of sense of self-assurance, self-confidence, an independent strength that nonetheless does not mean alone because a bit of comfort and assistance here and there is fine, is good, but you must cultivate that sense of what YOU can do, what you must do for yourself, turn what enthusiasm you can muster in the intellectual abstract ideas into creative energy, into some self-assurance, into some kind of determination that you WILL do this or that because you MUST and because you CAN. She is surrounded by spikes of flame, and of course fire burns, can hurt, but pain, too, is something you know well, can handle, if you just mentally prepare yourself for it, accept it, work through it.

So in summary: let your intellect and logical mind think and find and remember the things you care enough to reach for, however far away they seem, and then, approaching the how to, remember you strengths, that it may be difficult and it may hurt but know that you can do it.

Stillness and Motion

(The Prisma Visions Tarot is a full-color version of the Light Visions Tarot I've written about previously, and the only deck I've bought for myself in over a year, also through Kickstarter. The quality of both decks is amazing. More information on artist's website, if anyone is interested.)

It's been months and months since I've done much of anything with my decks, months since I've written anything substantive at all. I first pulled out the Thoth because it is a comfort deck of sorts, at this point, but the cards were at once too familiar and too distant, a reminder that my reading skills have gotten a bit rusty. And so, perhaps a new deck for a new perspective...

The five of pentacles - the card of misfortune, of bad breaks, of poverty and ill health, of crisis, of loss and lack and falling down without the energy to get up. The Thoth titles this card Worry, and yes - instability, insecurity, they do tend to produce that.

The traditional RWS image is of a pair of cripples and beggars staggering through heavy snow, passing a wall and a stained glass window that brings to mind, for me at least, a church. Here, however, we have something a good bit more intriguing. The man is no longer stumbling forward. He has collapsed, too tired or lacking the will to go on. He is alone. More interesting still - there is no snowstorm howling around him; if anything, the background looks rather peaceful, warm. No, the snow is raining down on him only from out of that stained glass window, which here is tucked into a crumbling wall rather than a solid edifice. The window retains its vaguely church-like appearance, the lingering remnant of some kind of authority - but how much of an authority is it now, half-exposed in a wall to nothing that is quite clearly falling apart? The snow only falling down from that one window is so suggestive of the power of perspective, the limits of focusing on that one point. What would happen if the man were to crawl away a bit further - he turns his back to the window, but also to everything beyond it; his eyes linger on the snowflakes falling, the cold. Perhaps he is hungry - there is that fruit there, high up in the branches of the tree, but how could a man so tired, so listless and worn, hope to climb up that high? It is easier, surely, to focus on the familiar, even if it freezing and miserable.

The eight of wands next to it is even more of a contrast to the traditional imagery. In the RWS and direct derivatives, we usually have some variation of eight staves flying through the air as though thrown forward. The Thoth calls this card Swiftness, showing a prism, a rainbow, bolts of energy thrusting outwards. In either case it is a card that speaks of momentum, of rapid motion, of channeling energy and taking action, of progress, initiative, change. Here, though, the image rather strikingly seems to be one of stillness: the wands stand in place, vertical, as the thin trunks of young trees. In the background we have reeds, the hint of sunrise or sunset against still waters. If someone asked me how I thought it sounded like, inside this image, I would say quiet, it looks quiet there.

And yet - look closer, study the image for a bit longer, and you notice how odd it is, really, all those colorful flowers just blossoming like that, directly from the trunks of the trees. You see the white wisp of energy, of motion, of something curling and climbing up the rightmost of the trunks, the wands. It is, perhaps, a more subtle kind of motion than the stave flying through air, smaller, simpler, but perhaps that is the point - this is something graspable.

Something graspable, something slow and grasping, something crawling, dragging itself up.

Someone might tell that man collapsed in front of that window to drag himself up by his bootstraps, to stand, to walk away from that ennui and cold. Yes, you have lost so much, yes, you are tired and so very cold, but see what kind of a difference just a few steps would make? You could climb over that crumbling wall easily to the other side, see what is on the other side, see what that bit of the world is like, try. Someone could say, and it would be words, all of it, sounds, abstract and distant and a little unreal, everything. Unreal, the word could, to a person too exhausted to want to exist any longer, too tired to want to bear any more weight, a person simply done with trudging, a person capable of finding a sort of numbing comfort in pain. Swiftness, momentum, the thought of sending staves arcing through the air in rapid motion - that kind of effort is laughable, when one doesn't have the energy to stay standing.

But that climbing shoot, that barely visible at first glance, perhaps that is graspable. Perhaps the man could crawl, inch by inch, a bit further away from that too-familiar window, that stream of snow. Perhaps that crawling, grasping might turn into something more, in time. How much energy does it take, to find motion again in the quiet stillness of broken, crumbling ruins?

balance of a king

Still hanging out with my most favorite comfort deck. Here's a quick little reading, asking for advice that I did for myself earlier today, while on the way to an internship interview (which I think went well..)

Not very surprisingly, the first card that comes up is the two of swords. A message of balance here, and strength even in the face of the unknown and uncertain. The lady here keeps holding those two swords up, both raised exactly to the same degree, in spite of that blindfold.

Which is to say, of course, that interviewing for any kind of professional opportunity is very often full of unknowns: what they really think of you, what they think of the other applicants, what they are ultimately deciding based on, what working there would even be like, etc. It's easy to be overenthusiastic or too apprehensive, easy to get overly nervous. For me too, it's easy to feel like you are in the position of powerlessness in such a situation: THEY are judging you, deciding your fate in this regard, you are the little maybe-worker monkey, aiming to please...

The second card reinforces that this too, is in fact an aspect of the whole thing where balance is needed. It reminds me of some advice an aquaintance shared with me not too long ago, about how ideally interviewing is a two way process: you too, are deciding whether going with their position is worth your while. When they ask you if you have questions, the best reply in not some formulaic why I would be a great worker in disguise type question, but you wanting to know: how does your organization fit my goals, skills, career plans.

Of course that's ideal. When you are desperately in need of any kind of income...well. But in my case, I am interviewing for internships, most of them unpaid. Yes, I need the professional experience on my resume, but they are getting my time, intellectual abilities, skills, experience, all of that for free. Not so much a position of powerlessness.

So speak to them as equals, have confidence. Other cards could also denote confidence, personal power, but with the king that first aspect in particular comes across deliberately strong. This king has power, and energy, momentum. He grips the staff, ready for action. He is not desperate, or terribly afraid of being judged and found lacking - he's doing some judging of his own. Things swing in both directions: yes, balance.

Going for it - does make sense

Bit of an unintended break again I guess. What can I say? Not enough mental energy, too many things that need doing, prioritization...
---

Anyway, back with a quick and dirty reading I just did for myself using my most favorite tarot deck. I got an email today about a TA opportunity with a professor I really like. Torn between wanting to apply and intense uncertainty/apprehensiveness, so decided to see what the cards had to say to me.

Drew three cards in a single horizontal line, no specific positions, plus one 'theme' card. This is one of those decks where using reversals still makes sense to me.

10 of Wands, Reversed
On the far left of the line, this card seems to speak to where I am coming from in this situation. Reversed, I see here a lack of the intense burdens depicted in the image: arms not full of far too many sticks, responsibilities, obligations.

The TA position would be for summer and fall, and as of now I have no concrete plans for the summer. In the fall, in stark contrast to my usual status quo, I will only have a thesis to write and a comprehensive exam to take, and hopefully Arabic classes - important things, yes, but far less of a busy schedule than I am used to. In other words, taking this on would not be over-burdening myself, but rather the opposite - I have the perfect schedule for it. It would be doable, without too much stress.

King of Swords
The King was on the far right of the three-card line, but structurally it made sense to read both outer cards before moving onto the center. Here we have the strong, precise, disciplined king. A person who is sure of his capabilities, a person who can focus on what he wants to achieve, who can make decisions rationally, using logic and hard-gained wisdom.

And what do reason and logic say, in this situation? Do I have the ability to carry out the responsibilities of the job? Without a doubt. Would I enjoy working for this particular professor? Without a doubt. Have I anything to lose really, by applying? Not at all.

The World
At the center of the reading line we have the World card, representing completing, a closed circle, achievement and satisfaction. She is dynamic, dancing within her wreath.

Perhaps applying will actually work out for me. Perhaps I will get this position and enjoy the work. Perhaps not. Even so, I will know that I actually went through with it, did what I know I should do and applied, tried, made a step forward. I took action, and there is some satisfaction in that knowledge too. In any case, it can only work out for the best to give it a shot, this card would say.

Thematic: 8 of Coins
Lastly, drawn from the bottom of the deck, we have a theme card, by version of what others would call the 'shadow card' or whatnot. What unites this reading, the three previous draws, the overall message?

We have a man in his workshop, which here is outdoors, in the fresh air. He works on his craft, his creation, completly absorbed in it. He is productive and he is doing what he loves. What more is there to say? I value productivity more than just about anything else in my own life, and just about everything that this would involve would be tasks I enjoy doing. Even if I don't get anywhere, applying is spending my time productively, another sticker on my calendar, a small success.

Sometimes its the little things in life that keep you going.

inspiration vs. organization

It's the contrast between these two cards that sticks out most to me: female and male, casual and formally dressed, standing and seated, flowing and rigid, flower wreath and crown. The page parties with her creatures; the Emperor commands his.

A juxtaposition in concepts as well, here. The page is about creativity, about imagination, inspiration, youthful and naive energy. The page begins, playfully touching on this and that - she can visualize ideas that others would dismiss as impossible. She stands in a sea shell, bringing to mind the famous Botticelli painting of the birth of Venus, or Aphrodite. She rises from the waves, with so much romantic notions - the playful faeries of so many tales. A tortoise carries her, and why not? What rush is there, why not take your time and see and imagine and explore?

A far cry from the Emperor, with his ram-headed stave and throne, his eagle shield, his crown of power. Since getting this deck I've wondered about that panda, something that distinguishes this Emperor card from most others. Apparently, in Ancient China emperors were known to keep them as pets. These days, endagered as they are, it takes a fair bit of organizes effort to keep the species from going extinct, I suppose. The emperor sits up straight, and rules over lands, mountains, sky and stars. Discipline, authority, responsible management of your resources and time.

The conflict between these two has, I suppose, always been a sort of theme in my life. Part of the reason I don't have the negative reaction to the Emperor archetype that many in tarot seem to is because I have always WANTED to have a firm grasp on the best of what he represents: discipline and self control, getting things done, organizing properly what needs to be organized, authority of a reasonable sort. I try and I try, and yet nonetheless so often I find myself rather stuck in the position of the page, a scattered kind of brilliance, imagination without much direction, so many ideas on so little of the concrete to show for it.

A source of frustration in particular as of late. So many examples abound. I am quite clearly more advanced than my classmates in Arabic. I spend hours listening to news clips, political talk shows, historic documentaries to improve my comprehension skills. For a long writing assignment I wrote literary analysis (former English major skills, ha) of Soviet dissident literature that I like...in Arabic, and it was GOOD if I do say so. My professor is impressed with my enthusiasm for learning the language, and yet she has told me that my grade will suffer despite that because I cannot keep from being constantly late. A valid criticism indeed. Another professor is consistently impressed with my written work, but is currently displeased with me and gave me a lowered grade on an assignment because I submitted it twenty minutes after the stated deadline...and again, quite right of him. I don't mean to do this. This isn't me not caring - I write my to do lists and I try and yet things slip away and slip away and slip away. How often to I forget to do something, forget to bring something, lose something? Constantly. I feel like I put far more deliberate effort into trying to be organized and disciplined than many people, and even so I am far more of a flaky, scattered mess.

Without some firm-handedness to things, riding that turtle will get you exactly as far as one might think - very close to the same place you started. How does one find the proper balance then? How?

from too much to just enough

Two eight cards, we have here, with rather different images. In the eight of cups we have an image of  overindulgence, or perhaps apathy - unwillingness or inability to appreciate the plenty all around. The woman sits at the table, barely awake, with wine spilt, food and drink knocked over and wasted on the floor beside her. Flowers are still blooming in the table-cup, but already we see them beginning to droop and wilt. Meanwhile, more wine still is being poured - more more, always more. Is she sitting on a dock of some sort, or is that a stage, the beautiful scene behind her simply a painting, an illusion? Does it matter?

Interesting phenomenon this card reminds me of - the fact that sometimes, plenty can be as much of a curse as lack. Not just in the simple sense, over-indulgence in food or drink but in the way it takes away the drive to work, experiment, improve. In political science and economics there are frequent references to the so-called 'resource curse' wherein countries that have plentiful natural resources, particularly oil and gas, tend not to develop diverse or advanced economies and often have stagnant/repressive/unstable political systems as well, whereas some of the most dynamic economies in the world can be found in places with almost no natural resources to speak of at all - Singapore being one oft-cited example. Why is that? Because why invest in building infrastructure, why take on the risk entering the unknown, why go through the hassle of dealing with international investors or partners when you can just sell sell sell what you have and they don't? Why satisfy your people with meaningful political reforms if you can buy them off with your oil money?

Likewise, over-abundance can undermine the ability to appreciate what you have. Who hasn't met or heard of a young child, toys enough to fill so many rooms given by well-meaning parents or relatives, and each played with for a bit and then ignored. Fancy, expensive toys they can be, but when you have so many of them, and the certainty of getting yet more, how could you possibly care much for any one of them? You think of them as disposable because they become so. Contrast that with the child who only has one doll, or even siblings made to share it. It could be a cheap doll, comely, home-made, falling apart - but it is your one toy, your one treasure, to love and to guard carefully.

Appreciation, and satisfaction. While I'm certainly not the type to constantly buy the newest, shiniest things, not the type that sees giving expensive gifts as the most meaningful expression of feeling, neither do I subscribe to the belief that things/possessions are unimportant. In the second card, the eight of disks, woman and rabbit and birds all enjoy the tree, the shade it gives, the shelter and the fruits which can be harvested.

When you work hard to get something, or when you create it because the process of creating - whether gardening, painting, or even putting a computer together - is something you enjoy, then yes the resulting possession can bring you real joy and happiness. When you choose what you let yourself have carefully, realistically, getting only those things that you know are best for you and letting the rest go instead of trying to grab one of everything, it becomes much easier to connect with what you have. Different people and creatures can enjoy the same thing, the same tree, in various ways. Enjoy what you truly need and love, and be willing to let go of the rest.

(In tarot-related terms, a reminder of my intention to let go of/cull some of my less used and less loved decks in the near-future...)

Lesson on Pushing Through

I've been feeling rather adrift, still, in various ways. Decided to do a quick draw with dear Thoth, with the question/theme of A lesson I ought to reflect on ...

An interesting duality in these two cards: two eights, two titles starting with an I. Interference and Indolence stand together as barriers, obstacles. In the 8 of swords we have blades of various sizes line up, crossed by two straight rapiers. All of them have a certain almost translucence quality to them, as if they were made of glass, made of something not quite real or solid. They seem to block the way to something - but what? Behind them the background seems violent, chaotic - dark violet with what looks like angry sparks of red energy. Even the air here is difficult to bear. Astrologically we have Saturn in Gemini here - that half-wild, disorganized brilliance thrown into a tizzy by a negative, unexpected influence. Communication has been disturbed, perverted, twisted until it hurts instead of helps progress. The air sign did not have a strong enough foundation, and now it spins off-course. The mind is sharp, full of wit, quick on the uptake with many things, but also terribly liable towards distraction, towards spirals of self-defeat and negativity, towards exaggerations of problems, impossibility.

In the eight of cups we have a similarly disheartening scene. The cups here stand in a symmetrical pattern still, tied with vines and flowers, but this card is far removed from some of the others in the suit. Here the cups are chipped, broken in numerous places. The lotus flowers room as if dying, perhaps poisoned or corrupted by the inky black waters below. The sky too is almost black, full or storms and cold and lack of light. Despair seems to be the mood here, and this card, like the previous, is also ruled by Saturn. Saturn in Pisces, here - deep emotion turned to melancholic, spirituality affected by hopelessness, compassion burned out. Indolence, giving up because why bother and it is easier to do nothing and simply watch things fall apart, wrapped up in dread of the inevitable. Focusing on the sorrow, the listlessness, the heavy clouds that linger always overhead.

The feeling of too many obstacles and difficulties, too much unknown and already ruined and hopeless, both on intellectual and emotional levels, could be quite problematic indeed. And what to do about that?

Go on. Push forward with chariot pulled by the confident lion, surrounded and blazing with fiery light. Light so bright that it could burn your retinas, that it could not possibly be real, you say looking at it, pondering it. Fake light, make it real because you need to to be light, fake it till you make it light and what does it matter in the end, the nature of it and where it might come from and why?

It shines, a contrast to the grim muddled darkness of the two eight cards. We have motion here, so much movement - not static despair but action, momentum. Go forward with confident air, hold wand of authority in hand and a rein, go. Push forward, through and beyond. See and feel and think of the Interference and Indolence but do not be held back by them, slowed down or stopped. Move through them, hopefully beyond them. Keep going even if they are still there. Cancer and Leo influence - creative passion, a balance of introvert and the people person facade.

He can be reckless sometimes, to a fault, but perhaps sometimes recklessness is the lesser evil: better to move wildly than to not move at all, to remain in the same, bitter place. Let restlessness drive you, harness those impulses and that inner energy and push through, even if you don't quite know where you are going.

snapshot of a day

still too busy finishing up to get to properly working with my shiny new victorian romantic mini tarot deck... so for now, this.

I drew these three lenormand cards this morning and they turned out to be more on-point than I expected. A day full of travel it was indeed: what is normally a four and a half hour bus ride took seven, then more time in the car getting home, my father taking a different route that had us wondering through a very Hasadic section of Brooklyn...

Productive though, in spite of that. Made much progress in completing my work on that long bus ride. The camel here looks to the right, at the sun; the ship, too, sails towards the light. Not quite there yet, the Sun in the center rather than at the end of the line which has this ship, the ongoing journey, but the light at the end is visible now.

A positive slant. The rider and sun together can mean receiving good news, news of success brought to you. I get home after all my moving about and find an email from professor whose paper I had slaved over all of last week. His comments on it were all positive - in fact, apparently I managed to impress him enough that he actually decided not to penalize me for submitting it a day and a half late...something he really seemed to be a stickler for. Sun type sign indeed. Pride, validation.

Sun in the center, and a push. The ship too, is nearing its goal, its day almost over, a journey coming to an end. Finish this paper and put the journey of this semester behind me - if I can force myself to stay awake, sleep deprived one more time...I think I can.

bit of a break, end of a break

I have been sadly lax in updating here the last week or so. Mostly, this is due to the fact that I haven't been working very much with tarot in general. I've not stepped away from the cards completely, but I suppose you could say I have been taking a bit of a break.

Why? Well, as this (part of a larger) draw from yesterday highlights, this adventure in Tunisia has been, in very many ways a break, a temporary escape, a time to take a deep breath and step away for a bit from many things. And now that time is fast ending - I shall be on a plane before the end of the week  - and all of those things are rapidly popping up again, in my face, clamoring to be dealt with.

A lot of things to be dealt with, and I don't exactly feel as well-rested and recuperated and ready to take them on as one might expect...

But so it goes, I suppose. That nice comfortable safe room, the lie-down on the blanket, separated from the real world...it only lasts so long. Eventually you have to go back, get into the regular swing of things again.

In the meantime, I'm also trying to make the best of my remaining time here. Had a lovely day trip to the North-East on Saturday, visited some amazing roman ruins, had dinner with my teacher's family. Monday night I attended (and marched in, for a bit!) a Women's Day women's rights demonstration which was... a really worthwhile experience.

So yeah, hopefully back to more regular updating once things settle down a bit.

comforting little deck, draws

So I haven't been updating here as much this week - haven't had much energy and too many other things to do, and the return of really really hot weather has not helped matters. Have been working a bit, since Saturday, with a fun deck little deck I bought from a member from AT, the Penguin Parade Tarot by Robyn Tisch Hollister. I got the limited, non-mini edition, and while the cardstock is...nothing to write home about/very delicate, shall we say, the size and especially the art is just lovely. There's something wonderful about playing with penguin images when your apartment is so hot you feel lightheaded...

Anyway, a few tidbits from the week so far. I haven't been doing any proper readings, just little draws here and there, and due to the fact that I think I left the booklet that goes with it in the US, it's been just intuitive takes completely. I find the messages have been a combination of quite truthful and nicely comforting...

Got this in a quick draw this morning, and what a lovely take on the 10 of cups in is. We have the two penguins leaning on each other, comfortable together, supporting each other. At their feet they have a whole pile of shells, material prosperity - not in excess, but just enough to ensure their comfort, happiness.

A reminder, I think, to keep things in perspective. As my time in Tunisia starts to draw to a close I find myself more and more stressed out by all the things I have to do when I get back, and about how much more I could have/should have gotten done while here, and all the like. Perspective - all those things are doable, none likely to really lead to disaster, and remember all the good I have, have had - remember to appreciate. A constant exercise that, positivity, appreciation even as you strive, keep working on things. Also a reminder about my outlook on returning...mostly I have been dreading it, and all the things I have to do but, on the other hand...it will be a chance to re-connect with my friends and family, at least for a bit, and that can be quite nice in and of itself.

Yesterday I had the 3 of Stones, or coins, show up. Must say, love the naturalism and the watercolor work on these cards. Anyway, yeah. Three stones for three birds. Each one can focus on it, become a specialist, yes? Or is it one bird with three stones and the others just to look on, learn? Is it better to be specialist, to focus on one thing at a time and really do the most with it, or to broaden your focus even at the cost of depth?

There are so many things  I need to, and want to, do, learn, see, engage with. It's hard for me to stay focused on any one thing for an extended length of time. And yet, without focus...how can I really get what I want out of any given things. Sometimes I try to do it all and get frustrated. Is it better to let something go, and if so what, and when, and in what way? Questions and decisions. What to nurture, then?

Perspective though - there are far worse dilemmas one could have, in life. Lovely little penguins would surely agree. And I look longingly at the ice at their feet...

towers and making the best of things

I had this card come up twice in two consecutive draws and well, what do you know...

I woke up feeling really, really sick yesterday. I haven't felt that completely unwell in quite a while. Because I knew I wasn't contagiously ill, and because I am stubborn and my criteria for staying home sick are rather high, I still dragged myself to school and class and participated, but it was really a struggle at some points.

Feel much better today, though still not completely well/back to normal. Like the Tower card would indicate, the sickness, though brief, rather disrupted some plans and just my inner routine/schedule in general since, besides physically forcing myself into my class, I didn't really get ANYTHING done yesterday. I love the stained glass effect of this Tower card, because it just really adds to the jumbled and disjointed feeling and that is so apt...

In truth though, like most Tower events, the getting sick thing was probably a rather necessary reminder/message from my body to my brain. I haven't really been on top of things recently in terms of taking care of myself physically as well as I should, and well: all actions have consequences, and all that.

There's a lot of background to that, and not all things I can really or fully or immediately change, but I think this 4 of cups, which came up with my second tower draw, offers a useful message. Sometimes it's really just about doing what you can to make the best of things. Making a conscious effort not to get sucked into the mindset of 'If I can't fix everything, why bother?' In truth, even small steps in the right direction can make tangible, positive improvements in your life.

Here we have the two angels, one of them holding up that candle, the other presiding over or perhaps blessing the cups. There is a nice, warm pink background to everything. And yes, one of those cups isn't upright, is spilling out, and perhaps that is a rather serious problem. What really strikes me about the scene though, is how unbothered the angels are by it. So it goes. Sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes plans don't unfold the way you thought they would. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you fail, cannot do or make yourself stop doing something. Sometimes a tower event -large or small - appears and suddenly everything seems a jumbled mess.

But what good is it, to dwell on the spilled cups, to nurture (fours, that empress association) negative emotions like frustration, disappointment, hopelessness, helplessness. Better, instead, to focus on making the best of things, in whatever way - again, small or large - that you are able.

page pondering

This page of wands has shown up in draws twice in as many days... a phenomenon I generally take to mean that I should pay attention to the message here.

The thing is, I actually had to double check that a page was, in fact, what this card is. It's a bit funny, for a page card - a deeply androgynous figure, bearded with a a wise, old-man type gaze and yet youthful and sprightly in posture, build. Instead of clothing or armor it appears the figure is made of wood...a tree become human? It carries a rod, but far too long and bendy to be of much use as a weapon...so a walking stick then, but with a head, a child's head, growing out of the top.

Behind the figure we see a background of leaves, green. That goes with the generally woody appearance of the figure, the growth theme. So we have trees, leaves, someone neither man nor woman, neither young or old...

What insight does that offer, then, in considering this card through the lens of the knowledge of what a page of wands is 'supposed' to mean? New beginnings which we should approach with a certain flexibility, energy, openness of mind and spirit but also...the wisdom of your past experiences...openness without naivete. Let the external details fall away, focus only on what really matters. Let new things grow from what you already have; don't be afraid to sculpt them into what you need them to be.

changes and exploration

So yeah, another spot-on little draw here. Changes. Smaller ones, and vaster. Second session of my language program begins on Monday. Two of my previous classmates gone, and a third, new one to join us. A new roommate, who may or may not be the new classmate, is moving into the apartment tomorrow. The class schedule will be different too, earlier on in the day, to account for the fact that Ramadan is set to begin soon.

That will certainly be a change, and something quite new to experience. A lot of things not open during the day, restaurants, cafes, stores. A lot of places open much later at night. Looking forward to it.

Larger changes too, loom. More than halfway through my time here, now. In a bit over a month, I shall be on a plane back to the US, where I still have to figure and find a place to live, a job, where I still have to figure out exactly what I want to do with classes, fall semester, everything.

Changes and decisions and indecision. It strikes me how easily I am willing to embark on the new when it is literal: going somewhere, seeing something, trying out a new activity...and how difficult it is for me to let go and really embark on change when it is bigger than that, more abstract - behaviors, habits, patterns of thinking that I KNOW no longer serve me well and yet, change seems in so many ways simply unattainable.

Together though, this pair reminds me to focus on navigating the small; perhaps, in small steps, the larger will become clearer. Focus on making the most out of things. I try to see things as an adventure, a wonder - everything that happens, good or bad, is something to learn from. Everything that happens to you has some kind of intrinsic value.

Have been exploring in a more literal way too, walking around old parts of the city, further away, less familiar. Long train rides over water, crowded and shoved in among strangers. Cobblestone streets at sunset, beautiful.
                    

the problem with juggling

So these two cards, again, articulate quite clearly a rather relevant message for me. The reversed two of pentacles - the juggler, trying to keep the two balls in the air, trying to keep up with so many things. Too many things - a rather common problem for me, on all kinds of levels. I almost lost my phone last night (luckily, some friends found and held onto it for me), and due to the massive amount of things I carry around in my bag every day - laptop, several notebooks, e-reader, physical book, tarot deck, pens, highlighters, beverage -  I couldn't even be sure it was gone until I got home, couldn't figure out where I'd lost it.

I always carry around too many things. Coming here I had to pay a not insignificant fee for having too-heavy checked luggage. A good number of the things, clothes, that I brought I haven't even needed. And of course, every time I go somewhere, travel or move, I TRY to pack light, and every time I still end up with too much because I simply cannot let go of things, put them aside, leave them behind.

In academics too, the same. I finally got to finalizing my class schedule for the fall, and once again I seem to be setting myself up for a semester that will be...very intense. Do-able, but just barely, and only with far too much stress and not enough sleep, same old less than healthy routine. Why? The compulsive need to try to juggle as much as I possibly can. The inability to let go, leave behind, put aside.

It's funny, me in relation to that six of swords. It's a card both of moving forward, exploration of new things, learning from trying the new, and of letting go, leaving behind, escape. I am great at the former and very lacking in the latter. I do move forward, both physically in traveling and moving to different cities, apartments, places, and more mentally; and yet, each time, I try to keep everything from behind with me, even the things I no longer need.

I have metro/train passes from four different cities in my wallet, still. I have money from three different countries in my purse. Why? Cancerian nature, perhaps, clinging.

Easier to recognize the problem than do much about it, though. Perhaps in small steps...

Work-horse type deck, and hard work

So yeah, as I may or may not have mentioned here before, the plain-old RWS has never really been my thing. My first ever deck was the Universal Waite, and although it was quite useful in teaching me the basics of the system, I had quite a few issues with the imagery. I gave it away as soon as I procured my second deck and never really looked back. Until quite recently, that is. Things coming full-circle I suppose. The PCS Commemorative seemed like such a nice take on the deck - not too yellow, nicely aged-looking, great extras in the kit - that eventually I couldn't resist. This week I decided to finally take the plunge and work with it.

So far, I am finding it not unlike this card, which I drew early this morning. A work-horse of a deck. Nothing super special, no incredibly deep connection or intense plumbing of my sub-conscious but...clear, concise readings that really get the point across very well. A certain bluntness that I rather appreciate. There's no long staring into the details of the cards here...the answer is there. I can see why a lot of people seem to see the 'classic' decks like RWS as best for reading for others.

But yeah, I've done 3-4 readings for myself, and they have been spot and and to the point and very useful, overall. The cardstock, while definitely not the best of all my decks, is definitely nice by contemporary USG standards; it has a waxy feel I quite enjoy. I definitely like the colors, and the art style in general - it definitely works much better for me than the Universal Waite ever could. Looking forward to the rest of my week with the deck. To me, worth the purchase, especially with very nice Pamela Coleman Smith extras that come with.

As for the actual draw: had an exam today, which I actually just got done with. I suppose, even when in the grand scheme of things the stakes aren't all that high, there is always some apprehension for me with exams. The perfectionist in me or whatnot. This card reminds me that I already have been doing everything I really could be - working hard in class, studying outside of it, writing and re-writing vocabulary to try to memorize, really TRYING and doing the WORK necessary to learn; that's really the best I can do. If it pays off and I do well on the exam, great. If I do a bit less well (and with the work I've done, I don't really think FAILURE is really likely) well, then at least I'll know what I need to focus on in the coming weeks. The goal is not numbers on a piece of paper but rather knowledge in my head. Keeping at it in terms of doing the actual work will get me there, eventually.

"fake it till you make it" / personal responsibility

So one last daily draw to type up before I switch off decks again. This one is really from yesterday, but it's been bouncing around in my head since I saw the cards so figured it was the one worth writing about.

We have here a rather interesting juxtaposition of the Page of Wands and the Three of Swords. We have in the first a youth, putting himself out there, innocent, inexperienced but confident in his abilities - at least enough so to want to prove himself, to gain external validation; and indeed, a rather impressive young lad he is. In the other card we have a woman, older, worn down by life, suffering. Crying with grief or frustration or just plain for-no-particular-reason sadness. What strikes me here is both the isolation - the way she seems to be hiding deliberately behind a cliff so that no one will witness her pain - and the dog, a loyal companion, a constant source of comfort even in the most difficult times.

Put together, these two cards paint a picture I find especially familiar. Thinking about the draw, it also helps me realize better the real source of some of my current frustrations, not-too-serious though they may be. In particular, I find myself recently getting inordinately annoyed hearing a few particular people make excuses, again and again, for their own poor behavior or failure to fulfill certain responsibilities. To me, there are explanations, which may or may not be relevant and even worth getting into, but very rarely do those truly amount to being excuses. This is a pretty well understood idea, but it doesn't in and of itself explain why I get so EMOTIONALLY frustrated in such situations, especially when the excuses weren't even directed (or directly effecting) ME.

Looking at these cards though, I see a lot of myself and how I tend (and try) to operate in them. To me, the things you must do are a long list, and whether you consciously realize it or not, you do prioritize them. Although I definitely do have an ongoing issue (that I AM trying to work on, if to very varying degrees of success) with not getting many of them done... the ones I have the most trouble with are the ones that, for whatever reason, de-facto aren't the highest priority. The things I really prioritize - doing all my schoolwork, getting reading and assignments done, showing up and performing adequately at any job I may have, paying my bills on time, etc - those DO get done, regardless of difficulties I may be having. And even though I don't like to get into too much detail here...sometimes difficulties can feel...very intense and difficult indeed.

Sometimes these two cards are exactly how I feel. Inside despair, frustration, perhaps physical pain I am trying to ignore, hopelessness. Outside I smile and go about my day trying to get the things I NEED to get done, trying not to seem like a downer because its not fair to other people to take out my personal issues on them, or on our interactions. I remember once, years ago, literally having to leave a class to go to the restroom, have some kind of anxiety/panic attack for a few minutes, then returning and quite normally participating actively in an intellectual/academic discussion on the subject matter, as if nothing was wrong at all. And so on and so forth. Sometimes, or often, you may not FEEL like acting like the page at all and yet...there it is in front of you, the need to do so, to at least try...

And in my experience, I guess, regardless of how busy, hungry, sleep-deprived, or distressed you are...the top two or three important things, your strongest priorities CAN get done, if you are determined enough. Which is why I don't like making excuses for myself - if I didn't get something done, regardless of the circumstances, at a fundamental level, it wasn't the highest priority for me. I could have prioritized it better, organized my actions differently, and I didn't, and that is MY responsibility. The best I can do is to sincerely apologize and politely ask for generosity/patience of whoever my unfulfilled obligation was with. Hearing others do otherwise...

But of course, judging other people is a pointless exercise that can only contribute to your own inner negativity. Enough things in my own life and actions to get upset about, no need to add others to that if I don't need to. So going to work on letting go of those unnecessary feelings, and focusing instead on being more responsible in my own life with getting things done.

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These weeks with the Victorian Romantic have been GREAT, I must say. The deck has lovely cardstock that's a true pleasure to shuffle, and the readings I've been getting have been quite awesomely deep. There's so much to plumb in the rich imagery of this deck. Looking forward to working with it again in the future!

birthday message

So yes, four and twenty I now am, it would seem.

Decided to do a birthday reading. First a card with a single message in and of itself, then a bit longer and more complex going into detail spread for myself, which I shall keep to myself got now, methinks.

But for that first, general message, this card came up. The wheel of fortune. Both as a reflection of the last year and as advice/perspective for times ahead, I think the message here is quite apt.

The world - your world - is always moving, spinning, changing. Nothing stays the same. You change, and so do the people around you, and your circumstances. Everything that has a beginning has an end. When something is particularly enjoyable, great, its good to both make the most of it in the moment, and to remember that it will not - cannot - last forever. Enjoy, but don't cling too much when it goes; don't spend too much energy on disappointment or that melancholy type of nostalgia once it is over. Instead just move on, seek new things. There are ALWAYS new things to be discovered, explored, made the most of.

Similarly, when things are at a low point, it's worth keeping in mind that this, too, will not last forever. Things will improve, even if slowly, bit by bit. Even if only temporarily. You mind find an opportunity when you least expect it, or from a direction you hadn't even considered. Best way to make sure you can see it and grasp it is to keep an open mind, and open eye.

Be flexible. Roll with the changes that make come. One day you might be a poor seller of birds; the next day the heir to the throne; later on, one of those same birds, in need of rescuing. So it goes. So the world spins. Spin with it. See where it takes you. All things begin and all things end and all things change and there is no use in anything but accepting what changes may come.