short insights/free associations

So I suppose this idea is somewhere between a proper reading and just a free association exercise. Instead of shuffling the cards and drawing in my usual particular way, I just kind of spilled the deck onto my bed and mixed the cards around in circles and then just...picked three at random. Idea to write short fragments/insights for each that come to mind, but in relation to me rather than in the abstract...

What's funny is that before I trimmed them, the minors in this deck had Thoth titles - which I thought was a bit off since they are really mostly RWS based but since I've been working with the Thoth so much lately, they kind of come to mind anyway now...

Interference in this case, and yes. Feeling tied and very very stuck in certain situations and with certain issues, which theoretically I could free myself from yes except that...well, somehow that never works out, regardless of my intentions...years and years and years and somehow that never works out. The thing with these situations, which I think this card really captures, is that it isn't always as in the traditional RWS image with the woman blindfolded and simply unwilling to see how she could cut her bindings loose and leave...no, sometimes it just feels like this, in which you can see the situation quite clearly and yet, puppet strings controlling you, other factors and you just cannot seem to be able to take the proper actions...watching yourself, your body do the same old...a certain sense of disreality, disconnection, being there but not properly, not really because those strings attached, always those strings, interfering with any effort to get past that circle of swords and it gets so frustrating and you grow so detached...

I've written about this card before, the Prince (RWS knight) of pentacles...feel a particular connection with him yes, and I love the illustration here, the chariot driven by the taurus bull, such a solid, reliable animal, determined, pulling through anything. My approach to life in so many contexts. A certain stubbornness with positive connotations because you see, I may be indecisive sometimes, lack some confidence but once I commit to something - no matter what else is going on, what other kinds of problems I am having, if I am supposed to get something done I cannot let myself fail, must try to get it done and well.  I tend to commit myself to many things because its a kind of forced accountability, forced productivity, so I still do this blog and join/create reading circles on AT and set little goals for myself and try to get all my school work done and work and this isn't even the busiest I've ever been, not at all, and if in the middle of it those 8 swords problems are still so very much there and something else happens on top of that? So what, proceed proceed, must keep trudging our way forward, somehow...

Again I quite like the imagery...we have the monkey, sure, climbing up, improving and growing, achieving; the sphinx at the top, ruling over what it has, powerful; and the crocodile falling down, destroying, things all going to hell. Thothy influence indeed, in the majors. The wheel spins, sure, cycles and changes, but what I really like here is that fact that the wheel is a cog, gears and cogs and it is not one wheel but many, each going in its own cycle of up and down and around. This is exactly how life tends to be: how often do things line up so that everything is on an upward trend, or doing find, or even yes, falling apart? For me it's usually...some aspect has gotten a bit better, and in another area I am on top of things, have just succeeded, while in a third something stunningly unfortunate has just occurred and the trick of it is to somehow address all three of those facts in an appropriate manner. It can be confusing if it really is that much of a juxtaposition: so am I supposed to feel excited right now, or proud, or sad and a bit betrayed?  On the other hand, keeping this in mind can also be rather helpful - if on the one hand, the wheel seems to be spinning downwards for you, well, it helps to look around at what other wheels are also spinning - surely some are cycling towards better things, or are still at that peak. Everything changes, but at different paces and rates and for different reasons. So many different fortunes intertwined...

(And uh, on reflection, I guess this wasn't so "short" after all...I do have a tendency to ramble, don't I?)

Enjoying Spring

So...it would be fair to say that this has very much been a less than ideal week. Started off with busy schedule and frustration and then something happened which kind of...left me mentally reeling. Not something I really feel comfortable talking about to anyone and still trying to process what happened and...yeah. So been all over the place with mood and thoughts and whatnot.

When I drew these cards though, I kind of...immediately couldn't help but think of one aspect of the week that has just been wonderful - the weather. It is early March but it is totally spring! I've never lived this far south before and....70 Fahrenheit temperatures and trees flowering everywhere and bushes blooming and everything so nice and warm and colorful already - it is, indeed, something to really enjoy. The rays of light shining down on those full, golden cups, the warmth of summer...it's nice. And the queen of disks really emphasizes that...the desert in the background, winter and everything bleak, dark, cold, trees bare...but now everything is growing again, sprouting up, like those stalky leaves on this queen's throne. The goat is surely ready to take advantage, to nibble on some fresh grass. And indeed, even when I am not feeling so well going outside when it is so nice out just...improves everything.

Sometimes you can't fix everything, and the best you can do is just...enjoy what you can. I'm reminded of that reading from a week ago or so, about finding joy in small things when necessary. Taking care of yourself as best you can, with whatever you have to work with. I went skating again today and it was really nice. I actually really like skating near where I live...today I went around a military fort, by the waterfront, past some industrial installations, through a public housing type neighborhood, past a highway, and right up back around the Smithsonians and the Capitol, all within like an hour of skating. Nice. And the nature everywhere inspired me to take a few photographs too...

So yeah, a simple, useful reminder today from the dear Thoth: enjoy the spring!

Trying out Court Couples exercise

So this is an exercise from Tarot Thrones that I found by way of Inner Whispers. I quite like the idea of it, and since I like doing these various exercises in general, thought I'd give it a spin with my Thoth. Though writing it up in a rather free-write type way...

The princess of wands, child-like still, sometimes, young. She launches herself into new things, leaps this way or that, excited for a new adventure. The world is full of adventures to her, things to explore, see, learn. Upwards, she sees herself flying, up. And she doesn't worry yet, about leaping into the unknown and the dangers that lurk there, of putting herself out there in the world perfectly unclothed. She is full of wild passion, energy, the tiger that is and becomes her and from which she feels formed. Look at her power, the sun-wand, the light that flows and flows - why shouldn't she be confident? She loves the andrenaline of the first great leap and trusts that whatever place she lands in, she will be able to handle herself. This princess loves the flickering heat of the flame, of dancing just on the fire's edge, quickly flicking her hand in and drawing back again: fire play, fire play. Oh, but the world is full of so many interesting things, experiences, opportunities if you only have the boldness to grasp them. She hears music in her head as she dances her way up that path of light. Her focus is on the things ahead of her, the possibility.

The Queen, on the other hand, is well aware of the things that can lurk beneath the surface of the shine. She is older - if not so much in years, then certainly in experience. The queen never leaps. She ponders, considers, waxes nostalgically. The queen of cups knows the value of caution, of hiding your real self behind shroud and illusion; she knows that others do this too, that what you see is not necessarily what really exists, beneath the surface. The queen scries and dreams. She is sensitive, perceptive, likely to notice to smallest of details. She knows herself well enough to know what can hurt her, out there in the world. Given the choice, she may well prefer to stay right where she is, the the land of comfort, home, in imagination, dreamscapes. She notices nuance, and is flexible enough to negotiate and adjust when she needs. She prefers to be a bit beyond the spot-light, to allow someone else to take the lead. Not her forte that, and she knows herself well enough to recognize it. She has a gentle touch though, empathy. She wants to care for and protect those close to her heart.

And so it goes: the princess leaps forward, focused on the latest adventure, on what she can see and do and achieve. She is easily excited, easily amused, unfrightened. Her back to the queen she goes, barely giving a thought to the older woman. The queen notices the princess though, looks on at her actions in consternation, worry. The girl will get herself hurt, going on like that, barely thinking. There are signs of it there in the ripples of water. The queen sees them. The queen is afraid that others will see too much of that open-hearted girl, that they will percieve her nakedness much differently, not innocently at all. The queen worries about the naïveté of the princess. She will get hurt, and what if that happens and the fire dies and the tiger loses its strength? Will the Queen be able to heal that? Yes, the queen watches and wonders and worries as the youth goes into the world.

She keeps the doorway to the safe place open, in case the princess needs to return there. I have a shroud for you, to cover and hide yourself when you learn of the need; I can teach you to speak softly, to speak without saying much at all. I can teach you to obfuscate, to prevaricate, to smile nicely when you don't mean it and keep your true self hidden in dreams.

But the princess doesn't hear - there is music, a symphony playing and she is too busy flying on up, roaring.

advice for letting things go

So...something happened very recently, that has been quite a bit on my mind, subsequently. It's kind of funny, I posted about it in my personal journal right afterwards, when I was still a bit shocked about the whole thing, and my friends there seem to be...quite upset on my behalf. Moreso than I myself am. The thing is, the more I think about it, the less I like the idea of dwelling or looking at it from a negative perspective because...well, it's all so open to question and interpretation, and it's life and things happen and if you can just shrug, take it in stride...makes for a better outlook.

It's a deliberate thing, really. I don't want this to become some kind of hanged man situation, something I get stuck on. In fact this card came up reversed, and that's exactly what I want...let go, free myself, move on. In my ethnic conflict class we had to watch a movie called 'The Power of Forgiveness', which kind of talked about how different people have varying tendencies to either let go of or hang onto things, large or small. The arguement of that movie, which was in that case referring specifically to dealing with aftermath of conflicts but which I think is pretty widely applicable is that - to just let go...it's less about the other person or people or whatever and more about what that does for you. If you aren't hanging onto resentment or pain or that kind of victimized how could that happen mindset...well, things sure are mentally nicer for you, aren't they?

But here, in drawing advice for how to best do that...I think the message is that I may be a bit over-eager. OK, I AM TOTALLY COOL WITH WHAT HAPPENED is a process, something you get to, rather something you can just logically decide is the best option and bang, all of your brain is in line. Granted, for me I think it's something I can get to in a few days, but still...I need to give myself that bit of time, moderation in my approach and expectations of myself.

See, for me the process is all about logic and dissecting what happened and my reactions. It's asking why and logically coming to some answers that satisfy me and being like, ok, now I can set that aside. A lot of this is about my own actions - not because I necessarily think it's my 'fault' (I don't really like thinking about it in terms of fault because that's the kind of thinking that makes letting things go harder) but because well...your own actions and approach to things is something you have the power to modify and adjust. Even if what happened was 80% the other person - you have no real power to change what anyone else does. That's why I don't like asking (and really don't like the kind of tarot readings where querents ask) about 'why did X do ___?' Because you'll never really know if your guess/reading is right anyway. Some people aren't even self-aware enough to know their own motivations, so how the hell can you expect to figure that out? And why waste time thinking about what isn't in your power to influence? Whereas focusing on that smaller part, the 'well how did my approach let things get to that point, and how could I have perhaps handled the situation better in the moment?' That can lead to conclusions with useful applications to future events.

I like that this card combines both the Art and Temperance traditions/takes because well...that is exactly what I need to do. Moderation, but also the idea of mixing and synthesis - allow myself to really THINK about everything that happened. Repressing thoughts or telling myself prematurely to get over it will have the exact opposite effect. I should just think about it, dissect and process for a few days, figure out how to apply what I concoct to how I want to go foward, both with the person involved and in general, and yeah.

Avoiding the Hanged Man dynamic is a great thing, but as Art/Temperance here counsels, you have to go about it the right way or your efforts could have the exact opposite effect.

dream-skating, transformation

It seems rather apt, to have drawn these this morning. Busy, stressful, and frustrating day yesterday. Especially frustration with myself. I have a long history of not dealing very well or in healthy ways with such feelings, especially when its such a pile of one thing on top of the other...

Last night after getting home (from EIGHT straight hours of class >.<) I decided, quarter to midnight, to go rollerblading to deal with some of my nervous energy. Perhaps not the wisest idea, objectively, some might say, but...it was very nice. The streets are almost empty of cars in the middle of the night near me, so skating was very enjoyable. I went from my apartment to the Capitol, then round and round in circles in front it, that great symbol of this nation's goverment illuminated by night lights...I skated around the Air and Space museum, other Smithsonian buildings, up to the Washington monument...

It's really relaxing to just move your body and let your thoughts flow where they might. Imagination, triggered by all the architecture of the museums, monuments, government buildings...thinking about dreams and possibilities, what is and isn't in your grasp, lives and other lives, this world, alternate worlds - fantasy and reality, optimism and fatalism all a jumbled mix in the brain. The image of this Princess of Cups so very much reflects how I felt last night, skating in the warm breeze at night, moving and flowing in waking dreams, reality and disreality, those moments where anything feels possible and nothing feels fully real...

And of course, Aeon, the new age, the Judgement call, time to make decisions about which way forward, to commit to something...what do you want to take with you into the future? What have you already left behind? What have you mostly moved past, that should stay there in past, in memories... It's tempting sometimes, to go back to silly habits we had when we were young, the way that, I imagine, a former smoker might, in times of stress, wish for a cigarette even decades after dropping the habit. They're like that, aren't they, addictions and habits and less than ideal coping mechanisms that are nonetheless familiar - always in the back of your mind, a wisp, sensory memory, a little bit of an itch? The old horus figure in the background of this card, symbol of the old age, sitting there - you can never really forget who you once were, the actions you once took...but you can move forward. You can decide what you want to do NOW - the new figure, transparent, still forming.

Finger to lips, shush. There is no need to speak of it, to make bold declarations. Think,  weigh and ponder and plan and then act, DO. Actions speak louder than words. Who do you want to become, now? Which of the multitude of floating thoughts in your mind do you want to try to make tangible? I woke up this morning surprisingly energized considering how much sleep I actually got - perhaps this cup princess night skating should become a new habit. Transformation - aeons past and aeons future and action and choices and dreams....

draw that made me think of a recent poem

starshine-
you were there with us,
dimly glowing in the darkest corner of...

you did not know us.
you did not hold our hands.
you did not brush the sweat or the tears
from our eyes.

and yet: your faint glow,
the siren-song of distant promise,
a half-forgotten laugh.

you gave us reason to grasp,
to claw our way up.

a kind of general reading

I wanted to try giving reading with the Master another go before setting it aside for now, but nothing in particular to read on with it, so let's call this a general reflective reading exercise...just drawing cards and trying interpret.

So what comes to mind, looking at these cards, is the idea that well....there are all kinds of scenarios where the lessons of strength should be applied - inner fortitude, the ability to overcome your own base instincts, to do what is right, to be both firm and gentle with yourself. See, it's easy to make choices and decisions that are perhaps less than good for you, especially when doing so allows you to hear what you want to hear, or see what you want to see. People have a rather strong tendency to hear what they want to hear, the rose-colored glasses or the opposite, everything terrible, depending on their general outlook/approach to life.  Look at that cupid, pointing his arrow right at the Strength woman's head or heart - surely not the right place to aim, but he in blindfolded and the organs are impeding his hearing and so he is, essentially, senseless, confused, turned upside-down.

It is easy to be on guard against things that are obviously painful, things that we have been trained to know are dangerous, but organ music? Sweet, nice organ music that happens to be just what we want to hear, which allows us to indulge in whatever it is we would most like to indulge in - laziness, avoidance, some kind of bad habit or vice. It can be hard to step away from that, especially if we have already started to go down that path, already let the first few mis-aimed arrows fly...but that is a fallacy, of course, the fallacy of sunk costs: better to keep going because we have already lost this and this much, time, whatever. Reading about ethnic war and partition right now for a class, and same idea there too....misunderstandings that spiral out of control, security dilemma, escalation escalation and it gets to the point where even physical separation and redrawn borders are sometimes not enough to fully stop the violence and the music, the propaganda on both sides playing so loudly, saying forward, forward go, we must continue on. And heartbreak, how much heartbreak on large scale and tiny, individual, stemming from bad decisions, unrequited love, taking encouragement in gestures that weren't meant the way you take them...?

Sometimes we need strength to take the blindfold off, even if it means seeing difficult things, and strength to ignore the sound of the organs. Strength to step back, to say - no, this is easy but it is also wrong, and I will not do it anymore. Strength for harder decisions, for facing the less pleasant things.

My Favorite Majors: The Hermit

Well, considering that I am a lifelong introspective introvert and frequent spender of the alone-time, it is perhaps not surprising that I have always felt a connection with the Hermit major, in ways both positive and negative. Have spent a good bit of time pondering the meanings of it over the years of working with tarot. It's another one of those cards that's handled in rather interesting ways in various decks, and so again it took a bit of consideration to settle on exactly which takes on the concept among my decks are ultimately the favorites...

IX. Hermit

Favorite:

What is there not to love in the Victorian Romantic (Russian, in my case) tarot's take on the Hermit? Visually, the image is just so beautiful and lush. I love the composition and use of color. I love the nature setting, the quiet and peaceful feel of the environment. You can almost feel yourself inside of that image, sitting besides the Hermit on those mossy rocks, meditating about something deep and personal as you stare out into that water...it makes me think of spring, of going out and finding new things, of those times when, just as the concept of this card speaks of, you really do need to just get away and be alone for a while. The hermit in the image looks very hermit-like too, old and wise and well traveled. Love that he's still holding the hour glass lantern and his...well, honestly I'm not sure if that is his walking stick, but it could be and it looks apt. Actually I even quite like that he is sitting down in this image. So often decks have him walking, yet sometimes what you really need is to just sit down and THINK, unmoving for however long...  I could go on and on, ha. This card REALLY draws me in, strikes a cord. And so pretty...

Runner Up:
Like so many other cards in the Sun and Moon deck, the Hermit is a pretty simple, minimalistic take on the image that I really enjoy - straight to the point, the heart of things. I quite like that he is standing in front of what appears to be a sandstone wall with an Om symbol and what looks like a bunch of other sanskrit writing. It really gives a sense of timelessness to the card, a reminder that the kind of wisdom we seek in this card is the same kind of wisdom people have sought for millenia, and that there is so much knowledge from so many different ages and traditions and cultures that we can draw on if we take the time. Speaking of which, I also really dig the Hermit figure himself...brown skinned, white hair in long dreads, clothing you can't quite place with any one culture...I love how multicultural and inclusive this deck is and how natural and un-forced that feels. The deck's facelessness really works for me with this card too.