My Self-Improvement Task

So I have been on a bit of a self-improvement kick lately, or at least trying to because...well, improving yourself is always good, and when things get to a certain point...it becomes rather necessary as well. I thought I'd draw a card with the question in mind of what is one specific thing I should focus on - one specific self-improvement themed task.

The answer was a bit of a surprise - the Universe, you say? But isn't that a card of completion, of success, fulfillment, attainment and all of that? Well yes, but here again we have some of the nuances of the Thoth deck that I just absolutely love - it isn't a woman standing or dancing a bit inside a wreath of laurels. It's a woman engaged in a passionate dance with a SNAKE. The snake, for life and death, beginnings and ends, the end is the beginning, beginning is an end of something else, and they dance, joyfully. End things that need to be ended, start things that need to be started. Give yourself credit for the things you have already accomplished, and set new goals for yourself, reasonable small goals and pipe-dreamy big goals, and work for them.

And yes, most importantly, find joy in the world, in life. No matter what the circumstances are, you can always find something positive to focus on a bit if you try: the colors of spring, new things blooming up; a favorite piece of music; the art or poetry or writing that you can create; for some people, a dance; sensual things and intellectual things, whatever, anything. It's so easy to focus on the negative - pessimism, fatalism, nitpicky perfectionism - and in doing so its easy to lose perspective and more importantly, terribly difficult to motivate yourself to improve things. After all if you are terrible, if other people are horrid, if the world is such a miserable place, what is the point of trying? On the other hand, if you can find things, even small things, that give you pleasure, then you can start trying to grasp your way up, achieve even more. Create things, finish things, start new things - the world is so full of possibilities and adventures, regardless of your circumstances, of your age, of complications and obstacles and personal difficulties. The challenge is very much in outlook, in being willing to see and engage with them: to not let yourself or anyone else limit you.

moving past disappointment

It can be hard sometimes, to let go of a disappointment; the brain, it seems, is almost hard-wired to hold onto such things. It can be something general - plans that fell apart, forces larger than anyone getting in the way; it can be a friend or a family member, a mentor or mentee, a co-worker...someone you were really counting on who just...dropped the ball there; worse yet, it can be yourself. You had plans, you had ideas, and then somehow you let it all fall apart, or you lost motivation and never even started, or you got distracted, or you made a simple mistake...whatever.

And after, your mind wants to dwell on it, pick it apart. Mars in Scorpio - how much resentment can you direct at the offending party? How much energy and time can we spend going over the disappointing events in minute detail? Look at that sea, dark-colored, red waved, un-nourishing. Look at the way those blackened, dried out leaves curl around the empty cups. Look, ponder it again and again. Why did I trust them? Why didn't I get my shit together better, get organized, try harder? But what good is that kind of thinking, really? It happened, it cannot be changed now. For me personally, the current, relatively small disappointment has been the recent visit home. I'm back now, and well...so many plans, things I wanted to get done, catch up on, get started with or finished up, all the books I dragged along with me and then...almost nothing actually accomplished. Time wasted, so much time wasted.

But again, why waste thought-time on that which is done and past? Learn from it if possible. Try to avoid doing the same thing next time, sure, but besides that?

It's best to just move past disappointments, whether they be those you caused yourself or those stemming from the actions of others. Move forward. Focus on the future. Channel the energy, the entusiasm, the passion of strength, the Leo-influence. In a way I quite like Crowley's take on this card, because it combines the traditional meaning - control of 'the beast', compassion and overcoming difficulties through inner strength - but marries it to the idea of joyfulness, of passion, of being fully comfortable with yourself. In this deck, the lion-tamer doesn't have to be the innocently dressed lady overcoming obstacles with her symbols of purity; she rides it wildly, fully herself. I'm on a bit of a feminist kick lately, because all the slut-shaming and misogynistic nonsense all over the media and mainstream political discourse these days is frustrating as hell, and I guess with that in mind I this card really appeals...yes, a woman can be naked, sensual, fully aligned with her instincts and still doing GOOD THINGS.

So for myself, I shall be focusing on making the most of the rest of my free days, both academically, personally and socially - trying to get out, enjoy the weather, catch up on reading, make some time for skating, do some cleaning, and so on. Trying getting keep my efforts are working on certain issues back on track. Going to try to keep this strength card in mind.

Tarot's Take on Election-Time

So, in a fit of whimsy I decided to do something I ordinarily do not do much at all: read directly about current events; and do a reading with a predictive aspect to it. That is to say, amateur fortune-telling (ha!) about the upcoming US Presidential elections. Decided to use the Master for this as it has a kind of 'wordly' feel to it.

(A note: a am unabashedly biased liberal and this reading will reflect that. This is just for fun, and I'm really not even trying to maintain some semblance of political neutrality.)

So starting from the left, we have the page of wands. This card makes me think of the current [Republican] contenders for the nomination/potential opponents to the President in the election. The page is young, inexperienced - he may have a lot of passion and ambition and ideas, but mostly his ideas are still just that. He wants to prove himself, his message. There is potential there, certainly. However, he is quite young, and looking at him, the word 'childish' comes to mind. Combine that with the dog behind him, which makes me thinking of the dog in the Fool card and well...let's just say this is a pretty close approximation to my feelings regarding the Republican candidates in general this year. Ego driven, immature, ignorant - hell, the fact that candidates that have no realistic chance of winning are still in the running, weakening their own party's chance rather than withdraw and consolidate support is just so...the childish me, me, me impulse. But, less negative take on the card, this seems to be showing the current stage of things, the untried with 'fresh' messages proving themselves...

The center card, which going in a kind of chronological fashion would seem to represent the election in full swing, is the six of swords. The six goes back to the Lovers in the major arcana, a card of choices and decision-making... interestingly in this deck the Lovers card shows a blind-folded cupid about to release an arrow...which I think is a rather interesting metaphor given the fact that imperfect access to information is such a major component of democratic elections. No one really knows what candidates are going to do once elected - some level of obfuscation if not outright dishonesty seems to be expected these days, where you have candidates blatantly tailoring their position to their audiences and, well. So choice of ideas, a battle of ideas which yes, seems to describe this political season rather well. Idea against idea,words, communication battle which is so much of what elections are these days, with imperfect information and someone will win but who and at what cost? Look at those swords stabbing downwards through the victory-wreath...

Lastly we have the Chariot...to be honest, I have a hard time trying to read this removed from my bias because...well, the Chariot is about winning a battle, short term victory, success and to me, the only outcome I would consider as such would be a re-election of the current President. Backing me up in this assessment, at least, is that well...it's the chariot, rolling forward. Victory that has momentum of time, not a sudden shift or change...even though this card has no horses in sight, the old phrase about not switching horses mid-race comes to mind. Also, the Chariot tends to be about uniting opposites, harnessing the power of black and white, masculine and feminine, yin and yang to your advantage; in politics, that kind of uniting requires taking on some semblance of a moderate position, which, in the primaries at least, seems to be the last thing the Republican candidates are concerned with. How can unite all those forces if you are spouting racism, misogynistic, classist, vitriol? So yes, I am - tentatively - predicting a re-election of President Obama...

If anyone disagrees with my read of these or has anything they want to chip in, feel free :]

A Deck of Quirky Courts

So I tend to try to stick to writing here about the decks that I am actually currently working with, but now and then...an exception.

I decided to take advantage of my access to a scanner here to get my de la rea deck on my computer for future such blogging purposes, and was reminded again why this is one of my favorite decks. It's on odd one, to be sure: offbeat art style, very Marseille based but everything is masks, pip minors with odd elemental associations illustrated differently than the usual Marseille patterns. Gold and silver paint on the cards, and they are so very pretty...this is most definitely an art deck, a deck for collectors, and for some at least, that's more or less what it is.

I have a rule though, about reading with all decks I own. If I cannot read with it, I do not keep it. And indeed, I've found a way - a very specific way - to get this deck to give me brilliant readings. I only ever read with it using the Comte de Mellet spread, no reversals. With this method, readings vary from short, with only one or two pairs of cards to read, to quite longer. In fact, after my scanning spree I was inspired to do a reading for myself with it...it ended up being six pairs, for a total of twelve cards, much more than my reading usual. As usual, utterly on point, accurate, and thorough. That reading is too long and too personal to post here, so instead I thought I would linger a bit on one aspect of this deck I find particularly charming - the courts!

It is of course an extra challenge to take the courts - often considered some of the trickiest cards in the deck to read - and show them as these masked, abstracted figures. Yes, what I love about these is just how well the 'feel' of each court is expressed. I love the knight of wands, for example, because he isn't quite the bold rushing forward figure of other decks...yet actually, expression not unlike that of the RWS really...uncertain, heading into unfamiliar territory perhaps, encountering some surprise, the ridicule of the horse...and yet he goes anyway. What's that saying about courage being about feeling fear and proceeding anyway? I like this queen too...majestic in the way she holds that cup, her hood over her like a canopy, the influence of intuition, mind...

I also quite like these two courts. The starkness of the coloring on the King of Swords really highlights the kind of harsh, unyielding intellectual nature of this figure, the width of his collar and garb how much space he takes up, his authority...everything black, white, red. Those shoulder masks... As for this page...the garb of a scholar, or at least it seems so to me, and the curious up-tilt of the head. She likes learning new things, this page, exploring, inspecting, enriching herself. Love the detail of the sprouting plant in the background.

But yes, love the quirky courts in this deck, and shall definitely be doing some exercises around them eventually, when I get back to working with this deck more regularly. It really is such a treasure: the majors are, too, quite awesome :]

pondering prudence

This came up as part of a larger three card draw I did for myself today, but I thought it was an especially interesting card to really mull over for a bit, so.

The 8 of disks is a card that, in the RWS, I've always sort of identified with: a man hard at work, creating something new, dedicated. I see myself as a student in that image. Here, though, the nuance is a bit different. The 8 of disks in the Thoth is titled Prudence. We see a tree, well rooted, flowering eight blossom-coins, and each is shielded by a leaf. Not unlike the 7 of coins in the RWS actually...the same underlying metaphor of growth in nature: when you plant a tree or a fruit, you need to tend to it, and you must have patience. Flowers do not bloom overnight, but rather after months or even years of care. The importance of time.

Also, trying to start to pay more attention to the astrological aspects of this deck, especially in the minors. Here we have the Sun and Virgo, which well...says a lot. The sun for light, that golden background, for energy, positivity, success in your endeavors. As for Virgo...Virgos are very much about pragmatism, practicality, doing things RIGHT, attention to detail, worry, worry, everything must be done just so, yes (can you tell I have a Virgo mother?). Put those together and you do indeed have the concept of prudence in a nutshell.

This take on the card is also interesting because well...it's less about the immediate, in a way. With the RWS, its about sitting down and hammering out the coin and voila, there it is, your coin, a real tangible thing, your efforts made graspable. With this...well you work and you work, and sure eventually the riches of those coin-flowers will be your reward, but how many nights do you go home with nothing in your hands, tired from all the work you put in? If, like me, you are not the most future-oriented of people, it's easy to be tempted, after a time, to give up, or to take some kind of shortcut that will give you less but faster...

What's more, prudence is not always the most exciting of prospects. Neither the easiest nor the most interestiing of options. Prudence is me getting off the internet and tidying up after myself and cleaning all the silverware for my mother. Prudence is me using my spring break to catch up on school reading and research, and trying to apply for jobs and internships for the summer. Prudence is almost never the option that will excite you and yet...look at that image, the stunning visual contrast, the green leaves, violet-mauve flowers, the disks within...good things lie there, waiting for you, if you can stick to that prudent path.

Story Time Again

Decided to see what I could do with the Tarot of the Master and the story exercise...

There was once a demon. He was not a particularly large demon, nor a very clever one. He could not compete for any of the choicer territories, the rich little corners where a right-thinking demon could make himself merry and rich on the mischief he caused. No, this demon was shoved aside by his superiors. So he moved elsewhere, traveled far into the countryside until he found a little village where no other demons lurked, or other creatures which could cause him much trouble. The demon set himself up in a cave over-looking the settlement, used small magics to shape his new home to the image of his liking. There he sat, amused himself, argued with his own tail. He prowled and spoke in tongues. He rained any number of curses down upon the village: crops withered, dinners burned, valuables were lost; misfortune, once a rarity for the villagers, became an all too common occurrence. The villagers were not naive, not stupid: they figured out soon enough the cause of their trouble, the demon the lived in the caves, but none were bold enough to challenge the thing in any way.

Then the woman came. She was a village girl really, once an odd child that played with the boys and bothered the blacksmith rather than the baker or the village witch. When she grew old enough to be married, she chose to leave the village instead. She traveled further than any of the villagers could imagine, went on any number of quests and adventures. She learned to fight with swords and staves. She fought with men whose names the villagers would not have even been able to wrap their tongues around to say. She befriended a lion; utterly loyal to each other, the two hunted beats and creatures in forests and deserts. At night the woman carefully brushed the lion's mane. Finally she had decided to visit the village of her childhood, to make peace with her aged parents and see what had become of her childhood friends. The villagers eyes her lion nervously when she returned, told her grim tales of the demon, the troubles it brought. The woman listened, nodded.

At dawn the next day, woman and lion climbed the steep craggy hill up to the caves. The demon's cave, distinctive, was not hard to find. They strode into it. The woman called out the demon, who was shocked that mere humans dared to invade its cave. It opened its lips to utter a curse, but the lion pounced before it could speak. They fought - a short battle, for the demon cared much more of survival than of dignity or honor. It flew out of the cave, flew far away from the village. Satisfied, the woman scratched the lion between the ears. They set the demon-cave ablaze, watched its trinkets and magics burn. Then they returned to the village.

Seeing the demon cave burn. the the monster flying away, the villagers rejoiced. They threw a parade for woman and lion, wreathed them with laurels and colorful ribbons. The woman was given a beautiful sword made by the village blacksmith, and the lion the choicest meat from the village butcher. The woman went on to have more adventures, and the villagers settled back into a simple, contented existence.

advice for a visit home

So I am visiting with my parents for a few days, just got here after a four hour bus ride...napped on the bus so not terribly sleepy, so thought I would draw a card with some advice/insight for how best to spend my time here.

I must admit...the Tower was not what I was expecting. I mean, yes this is a change, a bit of a break from the stress of school and work, but not THAT big a change. And certainly there is no need or reason to shake things up with my parents in any major way.

Thinking about it more, though, it occurs to me...well, the Tower has been thematically on my mind for quite a bit now...there are just so many things in my life that need this kind of change - large and small things - and yet making it happen is so difficult....and of course, its even MORE difficult to do what you need to do to knock down the tower and deal with all of that scary, sometimes painful consequence - to long drop into the ocean below - if you are also dealing with the demands of everyday life. How exactly does one go about taking care of major, longer term problems when there are three papers due and presentations and two hundred pages of reading?

So I have a few days away from all that, a bit of time to breath. I have a couple of things that need change eventually, some moreso than others, some changes more major, some more immediate...and of course, something of the magnitude of the Tower can't necessarily be taken care of in three or four days but...if you break it down, there are concrete steps you can take, basic things that will move you a few steps forward in the right direction. Making productive use of the free time to actually follow through on doing those...yes, yes that would indeed be a good way to spend the next few days.

Also, perhaps the mental aspect as well. Dealing with Tower-level change is difficult: the fire burning, the building, the things that are so familiar (even if not good for you, really) crumbling, the feeling of things falling away...it is its own type of stress, and taking some time to process that mindfully...especially when you know you have to be the one to blow up the Tower in the first place...yes, some mindful thinking and acceptance work...again, not a bad idea at all.

Thothy wisdom from yesterday

So, have been doing various short readings and quick draws for myself with the Thoth lately, because this deck and me are getting on amazingly well. Though I'd type up some bits of Thothy wisdom from hier...

So how many times do we find ourselves in situations where we get nervous, or anxious or stressed about something, and a lot of that feeling really stems from a kind of self-doubt? For me at least, this is totally not uncommon. Self-doubt, and where does that come from? Sometimes it's about longstanding insecurities, but even those, if you dig deeper...a lot of the time there is an external connection. A situation that you, yourself really are sure is cool, but yet you can't help but think how it might sound to others if you tried to describe it. Or something a part of you is sure you can do, accomplish, manage, yet you can't help but think of how others might question you. Perhaps someone directly has said something to you, and that sets you off, questioning yourself. Or even better: once, years ago,  someone said something and ever since then, internalized self-doubt niggles relating to whatever it was that they said. Can you do it? Can you handle yourself? Is this really ok?

In a kind of situation like yesterday, and so I drew some cards, and got these - very approrpiate advice, really. The 9 of wands for strength: let those arrows pierce through that cloud of questioning, questioning...sun and moon, uniting the concious mind, the unconcious. Conciously, you know you can do it, but when you start questioning yourself its not so hard to talk yourself into thinking that maybe you cannot. Instinctively, deep down where you REALLY know yourself, you know you can do it. Push through all the mental noise. Find your inner strength, and the confidence that goes with that. Let it rise upwards, upwards, filling your mind, your thoughts and thereby, your actions. Hold onto that feeling, let is strengthen you, support you. And then? Go for it: leap into whatever it is that you are facing. Go boldly, go optimistically, go full of energy and readiness to try new things. I actually quite like the Thoth Fool...very dense, and I'm still learning all of the symbolism but...the green, for spring, for new things, and those upwardly pointed shoes - he is full of weightlessness, unburdened, ready to go. Butterflies for transformation, self-transformation. The danger of the tiger and the crocodile is there, sure, very real, and yet nonetheless...

Actually, that whole danger aspect brings to mind another card that came up in a different draw. The 5 of Swords, defeat. Defeat, failure, things going terribly wrong. Its a terribly disheartening feeling, when we try something and fail...and in fact, fear of defeat, feat of ending up stuck in that pentagram of broken swords and dying rose petals, can stop us from doing so much. But what if I fail? What if I make a fool of myself? What if they all hate me?

For me personally, a lot of that is also about...proving things to myself. I'm always trying to prove to myself that I'm good enough to do x and y, and conversly, fear that I will show myself to be incompetent or not good enough if I am "defeated" at this or that. But the thing is, this card showes, sometimes it really, really is worth risking it. First of all, because it truth most of us don't fail nearly as often as we fear that we will, and secondly...because sometimes defeat is NECESSARY. The pain of it can be a learning experience, a very useful one. See the light shining in this card, behind all those swords and rose petals? Yes, light, possibility, moving beyond the defeat and being a better person because of it. Learning to lose gratefully, to take failure in stride, to handle defeat with a certain kind of perspective, is very valuable: Ok, so I lost here; it happens. This doens't make me a worthless person. I made some mistakes. Let me analyze those and think about how I can avoid them in the future. What steps can I take to improve my performance going forward?/ What have I learned about my environment from this? What have I lost, and was some of it actually perhaps worth losing?

So yes. Good to work on: finding the strength and confidence to face difficult things about which you are uncertain - to take them on with all the spirit of the Fool, and to not fear so much the possibility of defeat, because even in that there is something to learn, to take away.