(The first card was reversed; posting in normally because I don't like posting cards upside-down on the blog, for some reason.)
I want to be the person who does not fail at things, regardless of circumstances. I want to be the person who multi-tasks the hell out of everything, the person who juggles, compartmentalizes and makes it all work, somehow. I do, in fact, have a certain tendency to commit myself to more things than I know I will be able to handle without difficulty, and then go through great lengths and stress to get it all done because the idea that I might not get something done, may have to admit defeat in that way...terrifies me. Even admitting that no, I cannot take that on at this time, it is too much for me, is difficult. I want to be the person who can juggle many commitments, and when it turns out sometimes that I cannot, that I did in fact drop that ball on something...that, already, I cannot help but perceive as a defeat.
When defeat or failure is inevitable, I want to be a person who can handle it gracefully. The person that doesn't mope or complain or hold it against the person, if there is one, who got the best of me. I want to be the person who can take it in stride, without unnecessary negative emotion. I want to to be kind of person who can smile, say "well, you win some, you lose some," and really mean it. I want to learn from my mistakes while also being able to keep it all in perspective. I want to be the kind of person who can pick it all up and try again, and again if need be. If I must fail, I would rather it be because I tried to do too much, and not because I did not have enough ability.
I want to be able to move on from failures and defeats easily, to just let those things go and not dwell. I want to be able to glimpse infinity, to really see how each end is in its own way a new beginning, to see not closed doors in front of me but possibilities for something new, something different. I want to have many options, ideas before me, so that if one doesn't work out I have several more things in the air I can turn to instead. If I am winning, I want to similarly be able to do so without causing someone else unnecessary difficulties.
This isn't, any of it, about others, about how I am perceived. I just want to be able to juggle the many things I am interested in, the many things I would love to do, and succeed at them enough to satisfy my own expectations and dreams.