Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Who Do I Want To Be?

A simple draw to try to answer a question that randomly popped into my head...

(The first card was reversed; posting in normally because I don't like posting cards upside-down on the blog, for some reason.)

I want to be the person who does not fail at things, regardless of circumstances. I want to be the person who multi-tasks the hell out of everything, the person who juggles, compartmentalizes and makes it all work, somehow. I do, in fact, have a certain tendency to commit myself to more things than I know I will be able to handle without difficulty, and then go through great lengths and stress to get it all done because the idea that I might not get something done, may have to admit defeat in that way...terrifies me. Even admitting that no, I cannot take that on at this time, it is too much for me, is difficult. I want to be the person who can juggle many commitments, and when it turns out sometimes that I cannot, that I did in fact drop that ball on something...that, already, I cannot help but perceive as a defeat.

When defeat or failure is inevitable, I want to be a person who can handle it gracefully. The person that doesn't mope or complain or hold it against the person, if there is one, who got the best of me. I want to be the person who can take it in stride, without unnecessary negative emotion. I want to to be kind of person who can smile, say "well, you win some, you lose some," and really mean it. I want to learn from my mistakes while also being able to keep it all in perspective. I want to be the kind of person who can pick it all up and try again, and again if need be. If I must fail, I would rather it be because I tried to do too much, and not because I did not have enough ability.

I want to be able to move on from failures and defeats easily, to just let those things go and not dwell. I want to be able to glimpse infinity, to really see how each end is in its own way a new beginning, to see not closed doors in front of me but possibilities for something new, something different. I want to have many options, ideas before me, so that if one doesn't work out I have several more things in the air I can turn to instead. If I am winning, I want to similarly be able to do so without causing someone else unnecessary difficulties.

This isn't, any of it, about others, about how I am perceived. I just want to be able to juggle the many things I am interested in, the many things I would love to do, and succeed at them enough to satisfy my own expectations and dreams.


Marina said...

That's an interesting reading. I am not sure if it'd work for me, because I absolutely have no idea of who I want to be.

I like this reading, and while I think you need to be nice to yourself (too much stress sis not good), I also think that developing the ability to handle your tasks gracefully and accepting when things go wrong is very important!

It's important to go and do and accomplish, but it's also important to know when to resign yourself and when to let go. It's a balance very difficult to achieve, as shown by the 2 of Pentacles. :)

Bonkers said...

yeah, it's not like i really think about who I want to be like this normally, which was why this was different/interesting reading to do for me :]

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