The nature of the rut in which we are stuck

As the title suggests, I have indeed been feeling rather stuck in a rut when it comes to most dealing with life type things for a good few months, and have been growing increasingly frustrated with the situation. This has not, unfortunately, been particularly conducive to getting back into the swing of things with working with the cards. This afternoon I decided to try to kill two birds with one stone and ease myself back into more regular tarot reading/blogging by pulling a few cards from my all-time favorite deck, the Nusantara tarot. 

So - some advice about what to do about getting out of this negative/unproductive state I seem to be stuck in lately...

It's funny how illuminating a simple two card draw can be. After looking at these for a few moments, I realized that what I have is both the a description of the crux of the issue, and a general guide to the solution.

The World card, of course, represents accomplishment, self-improvement, fulfillment. It shows the unity of various aspects of the self, and celebrates what this can achieve. It is ostensibly the 'goal' towards which one strives, and in this context, it certainly represents a better head-space than the one I've been in of late. What's interesting here, however, is that here it appears first, the position suggesting foundation rather than endpoint.

One the other hand, we have the Eight of Cups. The traditional RWS imagery of this card always brings to mind nostalgia for me. This card speaks of the things you walk away from, the things you might desperately miss but need nonetheless to leave behind.  In the Thoth, this card is titled Indolence - that too fits, indicative of the consequences of not turning your back. The alternative of moving forward is to wallow... a self-indulgence whether it be laziness, self-pity or whatever else. The card is not, however, all about the those cups the man walks away from - the point is also the mountains he is walking towards, the new path forward and toward the unknown.

That image, following (rather than preceding) the World card, points to the crux of the message for me here, I think: that I need movement and forward momentum to thrive. Most of all, I need to feel that what I am doing serves some kind of purpose, brings me closer to achieving something, makes a difference to someone, improves the world around me, or equips me to better do those things in the future... something. Without that, regardless of whether what I am actually doing day to day is enjoyable, and regardless of whether the people around me are awesome and supportive... on a fundamental level I struggle with feeling unhappy and unmotivated. Without something external that is meaningful enough to set up life around everything just feels...endlessly pointless. Why bother trying and why bother writing and why even bother eating for that matter? It becomes a vicious cycle, deepening and perpetuating the rut, the negative thoughts, the weight of inaction.

Also, more literally, movement, in the sense of travel and exploring and experimenting with new things - these are the experiences that inspire me most. By best memories, the times I enjoyed life and everything around me the most are by far those from when I was traveling and visiting other countries - Tunisia, Egypt, Sweden...

Given that...well. Since finishing my grad program, I haven't had that sense of working towards a goal and doing something I love the way I did with my studies. There is no structure to time and activity to guide me, no reading or discussion or learning with career in mind to inspire me. Instead there is job searching that becomes more discouraging and difficult to do the longer it goes on, and too much time wasted on meaningless if enjoyable in the moment pursuits. I need external responsibilities in order to have that sense of forward movement. Not sure how to remedy the situation in the short term, but it is the only solution that makes sense. I cannot just exist, just be - my brain equates that with being a waste of space, my mind becomes bored, and my more self-destructive tendencies strengthen.

 I need to find a reason to move forward, something that allows me to feel that sense of movement, - an impetus to leave behind some of that negativity. Motion, forward motion...

Going for it - does make sense

Bit of an unintended break again I guess. What can I say? Not enough mental energy, too many things that need doing, prioritization...
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Anyway, back with a quick and dirty reading I just did for myself using my most favorite tarot deck. I got an email today about a TA opportunity with a professor I really like. Torn between wanting to apply and intense uncertainty/apprehensiveness, so decided to see what the cards had to say to me.

Drew three cards in a single horizontal line, no specific positions, plus one 'theme' card. This is one of those decks where using reversals still makes sense to me.

10 of Wands, Reversed
On the far left of the line, this card seems to speak to where I am coming from in this situation. Reversed, I see here a lack of the intense burdens depicted in the image: arms not full of far too many sticks, responsibilities, obligations.

The TA position would be for summer and fall, and as of now I have no concrete plans for the summer. In the fall, in stark contrast to my usual status quo, I will only have a thesis to write and a comprehensive exam to take, and hopefully Arabic classes - important things, yes, but far less of a busy schedule than I am used to. In other words, taking this on would not be over-burdening myself, but rather the opposite - I have the perfect schedule for it. It would be doable, without too much stress.

King of Swords
The King was on the far right of the three-card line, but structurally it made sense to read both outer cards before moving onto the center. Here we have the strong, precise, disciplined king. A person who is sure of his capabilities, a person who can focus on what he wants to achieve, who can make decisions rationally, using logic and hard-gained wisdom.

And what do reason and logic say, in this situation? Do I have the ability to carry out the responsibilities of the job? Without a doubt. Would I enjoy working for this particular professor? Without a doubt. Have I anything to lose really, by applying? Not at all.

The World
At the center of the reading line we have the World card, representing completing, a closed circle, achievement and satisfaction. She is dynamic, dancing within her wreath.

Perhaps applying will actually work out for me. Perhaps I will get this position and enjoy the work. Perhaps not. Even so, I will know that I actually went through with it, did what I know I should do and applied, tried, made a step forward. I took action, and there is some satisfaction in that knowledge too. In any case, it can only work out for the best to give it a shot, this card would say.

Thematic: 8 of Coins
Lastly, drawn from the bottom of the deck, we have a theme card, by version of what others would call the 'shadow card' or whatnot. What unites this reading, the three previous draws, the overall message?

We have a man in his workshop, which here is outdoors, in the fresh air. He works on his craft, his creation, completly absorbed in it. He is productive and he is doing what he loves. What more is there to say? I value productivity more than just about anything else in my own life, and just about everything that this would involve would be tasks I enjoy doing. Even if I don't get anywhere, applying is spending my time productively, another sticker on my calendar, a small success.

Sometimes its the little things in life that keep you going.

wonders and dangers in life

The world is full of so many things - opportunities, possibilities, innumerable new experiences that can broaden your perspective, tickle your imagination, shape your memories and thoughts. There is earth and there are the things that can grow in the earth. You are born a blank slate and you live and as you do, roots and trunks and branches for, reach higher upward every year. You see paths in front of you and you follow where they may lead.

There is wonder in the world, and there is also danger, conflict, pain. There are shocks, major and minor, sudden and long-in-coming. To stay still and hidden is to see so little, and yet to venture forth is to risk. Sometimes you fall. Sometimes you watch someone else fall. Sometimes the risk is abstract and sometimes very much physical. You know this, as you know of the good. And just and so often we allow ourselves to take for granted the small joys we can find in life...so too do we minimize those dangers.

Every so often something happens to remind you of their existence: you spend an evening sitting on your living room floor giving your roommate ice and watching as a veritable stream of police walk in and out, take questions and statements, photographs. You listen to him say in disbelieve how does something like that happen right in front of your own house?

But such is the nature of life, of the World. There is always a balance, between withdrawing into yourself and engaging, between knowing your potential and using it, between guarding yourself or letting your hands be free to touch, to feel and explore and learn. Safety in the familiar or risk in the unknown - the exact measure and choice is different for everyone. You try to do what you an to make your own life and fulfilling and you can, as complete. I don't deny being reckless, to some degree. There are things I simply don't care about though I should, and there is that always burning curiosity, to see and do and run far...

Once upon a few years ago you spent a final week abroad walking around by yourself in a large foreign city because you wanted to BE there, to experience, to really see. You tell people about this, about how much you enjoyed those days, those long walks alone. You do not mention, usually, that one day among many - the restaurant and the waiter who followed you into the bathroom, who kept touching you and trying to hug you and kiss you as you writhed and said no and tried to get him to unblock the door; he did finally, and then followed you several blocks after you quickly paid and fled. It was unfortunate but it is a risk you take and such is life sometimes. You want to go somewhere strange and you do, and mostly it is amazing. You think someone is a mentor or friend and time spent with them is great until it's really not. So it goes.

So it goes and so you live where you do because you decided to spend a summer in an amazing place and thus only had a week to find somewhere to live that you could afford. So things happen, and yes, to be on guard, to be aware and ready to defend yourself if needed is good, but only to a degree. What is the point of living if you live in fear? What is the point if you make a list of so many things that sound amazing but that you will not do because there is risk? That is not achieving the concepts the world represents - for some perhaps there is no conflict, but everyone is different.

Guard but not too much, against the World. It has risks and and has wonders and to chase possibility means to encounter both.

anxiety and perspective

So tomorrow, attempting to take a small but important step in the direction of dealing with some major negative things that have been going on both in the long and the short term, and have been feeling rather anxious about it all weekend. Also recognize that some of my attitude towards it is not exactly conducive to it being useful/productive, so decided to do a bit of a spread to try to work through that somewhat.

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I. Where I am now/my situation:

A bit of a tricky one, this Sun card. We see it prominently, the bright orange and yellow light, the energy radiating outwards. An opportunity here, momentum, a powerful kind of potential, very bright. And yet it is not a comforting kind of sunlight, but rather so strong as to seem dangerous, overwhelming. The man in the image looks dark, sun-burned perhaps, something snake-like coiled around him. He gives thanks to the sun, and yet seems...both empowered and subjugated by it. You need the sun to survive and to thrive and yet in some circumstances, it can hurt you. This card makes me think of desert-dwellers, which is a perfect example of that phenomenon. It must be handled with care, this sun. I want this opportunity to work out, but I am rather afraid of those dangerous sparks....

II. How to handle hopes and expectations:

The woman here sits under the glow of a lamp; the light allows her to see clearly what she has despite the darkness that otherwise surrounds her. She holds her coins close, responsible for them, owning up to them, caring for them. By becoming sentimentally attached to these things she risks emotional distress if they were to shatter and break, if she were to lose them. And yet sometimes, we have to keep holding nonetheless. I've a tendency sometimes to distance myself from hopes, expectations. I am doing this because I should but of course I don't expect it to go well and so I will not be invested and if it fails it will be easier to bear. That works out well enough sometimes, but in this particular situation... not the best approach. Better to keep in mind, clearly and close at hand, what I hope to gain from this endeavor, and try to be pro-active in making that happen, insofar as I can.

III. How to handle anxiety and fears:

There is a clear contrast between this card and the proceeding one. Here, rather than a single figure in a single small space, we have not just the world but the universe, stars and planets and space. We have looking outwards, the bigger picture. letting go and letting the Universe do as it may. It's funny and a bit difficult to think of how huge the universe is and how tiny we are in comparison, so many huge forces moving through themillenia, and our lives so short in comparison. There are so many things in life we cannot control. The universe gives us strokes of amazing luck, things clicking into place and manifesting wonderfully, and small, unexpected surprises that make our day; and it gives us tragedies, efforts falling apart, unwanted burdens that we must learn to bear. Maybe this effort will be a stroke of luck and maybe another minor disaster. I can control my attitude and approach,  but not much else. Focusing on worst case scenarios prematurely will change nothing either way.

IV. Advice for adjusting my attitude/approach:

The man in this card has clearly lost something. He is soggy and sad, rain-soaked in his defeat, tired. Defeat perhaps, yes, and yet when we look closer, what has he really lost? He still has is sturdy cloak, and not one but five swords there at his disposal. Has he tried them all, seen whether any would suit is purposes? Five swords. I was give five new numbers to call on Friday; this is only the person behind one of them, that I am to meet with. I see in this card a reminder to keep things in perspective. Even if this does turn out to be a defeat, a failure, it is not the only option I have. I defeat would not be a disaster but rather a minor setback. Pick up the phone again, call a different number, try again. I am not destitute of resources entirely. I have been in the rain long enough to deal with it for a while longer, even if it does feel quite cold and icky in the moment. Perspective: do not make this out to be either bigger or smaller than what it really is.

My Favorite Majors: The World

So, here we are: end of the line, last of the majors to pick favorites for. I've really enjoyed going through each of them one by one, picking the cards I liked most from my collection, pondering why it was that those were the ones I enjoyed most. Also, interestingly enough, posts from this series seem to be, by far, the most often viewed ones on this blog :0

Anyway, yes, the World - a card of success and completion and fulfillment, journeys coming to an end. A lot of decks tend to hew to the same basic concept illustrated in both RWS and TdM, though with their own various takes on it. In general, its not a card I have many qualms with in most decks, though also...rarely a favorite.

I had trouble choosing two out of the three I narrowed down my selection to - and well, since this IS the last card in the series, figured what the hell, I can break my two card rule for a second (and last!) time ;]

XXI. World

Favorite:
Of all the many deck-variations on the traditional image of the woman inside the large wreath of accomplishment, I've long been very much partial to this one. I love the dynamic, sensual energy of it: the woman here isn't just standing there, but rather, seems to be dancing, celebrating. The feeling of acceptance, of confidence, of completions, success - all of that seems to be here, much more so than in other cards with similar imagery. Looking at this card, I can feel the meaning it is supposed to be representing.

Of course, the lovely use of color here certainly doesn't hurt. As my previous posts in this series probably have already made clear, I am very much a color-oriented person. The use of the yellow-gold as a background here works really well especially. Love the details in the wreath, the animals, and of course those pillars which surround all of the majors in this deck. Stained glass effect works wonderfully here.

Runners Up:
As for these two, I couldn't quite decide between them because...they are so very DIFFERENT, and yet, both have aspects to them I really like. For the Aquarian World card - well, it definitely does not have the kind of wild, dynamic energy I see in the other two, but makes up for that with...well, I must admit, I have long been very much a fan of art-nouveau and art-deco, and the application of those to this card, done so thoroughly, with such lovely thematic consistency and attention to detail...I just love it. The color scheme is lovely too - not one you see very often, but more striking because of it. I particularly enjoy how it has all the basic aspects of the RWS but...re-done, re-imagined, stylized so nicely.

As for the Thoth...I've written about this World card before, more than once. I really do love it. Naked woman of gold dancing with a snake and all that it can represent - oroboros, beginnings and ends; she is dynamic, the universe opening up quite literally behind her, intimate and public all at once. Stars, the outline of ancient structures...and that, all of that, is only the surface level of the card, my own intuition - how much more to read about, dig deeper in the other layers that the Thoth deck has to offer...yes, a worthwhile take indeed.

focus on the exterior vs. focus within

What strikes me here, with these two cards, is that in both you have the image of a powerful woman, a woman with strong spiritual, divine type power. But what a contrast in how! The Priestess sits still as stone, unmoving, steeped in tradition. She hides behind veils of light, behind illusions and dreams and so much facade. She is surrounded by all the symbols, the fruits, flowes, minerals, animals of the material world, but she does not engage with them. She sits apart, beyond all of it. In contrast, the Universe dances with with the world around her, the good and the bad, the beautiful and the terrible. She dances with a serpent, bathed in golden light. She is dynamic, fluid, fully involved. She finds joy, pleasure in everything and around her, behind her, the cosmos opens up in the most intimate of ways and she, of course, knows what that means, can take advantage. She basks in her natural state, in freedom, fully a part of all that is around her.

(I must, at some point, write about how one of the things I so like about this deck is how encompassing and woman-positive it seems to me. It really, really pleases my inner feminist in ways I can't yet perfectly articulate...)

This pair of cards really strikes a chord for me right know because...well, I have been having this kind of dichotomy in my focus in that...my inner world, right now, does not feel so very positive at all. Long-standing issues, things that happened more recently, physical/health issues, a lot of things piling up and when I let myself just sit alone with my thoughts...it tends to be some negative thinking/mood that results. Really, if I look within too much, there isn't all that much that makes me happy. I do think there is much merit in introspection, sure, but....I just have trouble, right now, finding much joy, motivation, anything like that from my inner self.

On the other hand, the world around me, external things...there is so much to appreciate. The spring is beautiful. I am living in what to me is still a relatively new city/part of the country, with so much to explore. So many free things to see, if I can find the time. There are people in my life who have been so nice, supportive, patient with me, all of which I really, really appreciate. There are so many things to learn, to see, and all of that I really enjoy doing. And I have my studies, which despite the massive stress, I do very much enjoy. And even the stress, the huge pile of things I need to get done...it gives my life much-needed structure, to have to organize my time, go out, get those things done. I do much better when I have structured, external committments of that sort. Even if, internally, some days I don't even feel like I have the energy to get out of bed...knowing I must do those external things, I do get up, and get out, and when despite all the difficulty I do get them done...that sense of accomplishment, success, pride in a task well done...that is pleasure too. And for my logical mind, external is much more quantifiable. I can write to do lists, cross things off as I get them done, put stickers on my calander according to a logical, set scheme, and have a visual representation of my productivity to encouraged by. That is all, for me, NICE.

So yes, had a bit of a moment of decision the other day, that in the short-term at least, I will be better off if I just really shift my focus on the external - the things I have much more of a direct influence over, the things I can shape and effect right now, the things I can see and feel and touch and quantify. Focus on doing what I must get done. Try to fine things to smile about in the world around me. Let the inner be what it is for now, instead of focusing on it and going over and over all that I cannot see a way to change and getting frustrated by that. Time to be dynamic, externally focused. Perhaps even dance with some (metaphorical!) snakes ;]

My Self-Improvement Task

So I have been on a bit of a self-improvement kick lately, or at least trying to because...well, improving yourself is always good, and when things get to a certain point...it becomes rather necessary as well. I thought I'd draw a card with the question in mind of what is one specific thing I should focus on - one specific self-improvement themed task.

The answer was a bit of a surprise - the Universe, you say? But isn't that a card of completion, of success, fulfillment, attainment and all of that? Well yes, but here again we have some of the nuances of the Thoth deck that I just absolutely love - it isn't a woman standing or dancing a bit inside a wreath of laurels. It's a woman engaged in a passionate dance with a SNAKE. The snake, for life and death, beginnings and ends, the end is the beginning, beginning is an end of something else, and they dance, joyfully. End things that need to be ended, start things that need to be started. Give yourself credit for the things you have already accomplished, and set new goals for yourself, reasonable small goals and pipe-dreamy big goals, and work for them.

And yes, most importantly, find joy in the world, in life. No matter what the circumstances are, you can always find something positive to focus on a bit if you try: the colors of spring, new things blooming up; a favorite piece of music; the art or poetry or writing that you can create; for some people, a dance; sensual things and intellectual things, whatever, anything. It's so easy to focus on the negative - pessimism, fatalism, nitpicky perfectionism - and in doing so its easy to lose perspective and more importantly, terribly difficult to motivate yourself to improve things. After all if you are terrible, if other people are horrid, if the world is such a miserable place, what is the point of trying? On the other hand, if you can find things, even small things, that give you pleasure, then you can start trying to grasp your way up, achieve even more. Create things, finish things, start new things - the world is so full of possibilities and adventures, regardless of your circumstances, of your age, of complications and obstacles and personal difficulties. The challenge is very much in outlook, in being willing to see and engage with them: to not let yourself or anyone else limit you.

An Ode to the Thoth

She painted you over the course of five years. She painted you while bombs rained down on the city of London the way that raindrops pour out of darkened clouds, soaking through everything below, earth. You were sketched, drawn, perfected as gleaming planes pierced through the skies overhead; they zoomed, heavy with incendiary disaster tucked into their bellies.

A mere twenty years ago those same planes had still been such delicate, fragile things, constructed, it seemed, of paper, sticks, cloth. They were liable to fall back down to earth at the slightest of provocation, and yet men still climbed into them – out of boldness, thirst for adventure, the need to realize that collective dream, old as humanity itself, of flight, of dancing into the skies. Remember the myth of Daedalus, flying too close to the sun? Now men could soar, fly across oceans and continents, race, meet time limits, set records, go further and faster than ever before...

But they had evolved by the time she painted you. Now they were plated with metal hulls and painted with bravado, the slogans of war. They spit bullets and dropped payloads on cities by night and by day; they fought each other among the clouds, shooting and crashing down. The men inside of them died and new men appeared to take their place. Smoke and ash, the newest dimension of war.

She painted you, mindful of HIS direction. She painted three Magi – again and again until finally the one that captured the proper essence appeared. She painted careful lines, geometric forms, colors laden with meaning, esoteric significance, thought. She painted you boldly and brightly among blackouts, among rubble and deaths and air raid sirens’ shrill blares.

She painted you through global disaster and now, decades later, I hold you, shuffle, set cards down on black bedspread. Now you lead me, push, through my own life-disaster, so insignificant in the grand scheme of everything, and yet, nonetheless: keep going you tell me, keep moving forward and faster.

*And yes, I am aware that this is not the 'final' version of the Magus, but it is the one that I like best, personally

Desire/ Defy/ Escape Spread

I saw this spread somewhere online a while ago...might have been Tarot Dame's blog...anyway, I liked it, so saved and decided to give it a go.

All three cards came up Reversed in the reading. That being that, reading them as reversed but posting here right side up for ease of viewing purposes...

Desire

Reversed Devil? Why yes, quite very appropriate here indeed. Terribly appropriate, actually.

I can't/don't want to get into why, here. Let us just say that it is a very much a 'Devil' type problem, one that I've had for a very long time, that just gets worse and worse and sucks in more and more of me and yet I never really do want to stop, do something about it; at least, not enough to make it happen. Things have been particularly bad in that front lately and as I commented on marina's blog a couple days ago...the metaphor of the tower that needs to be knocked down, but that you don't quite have it in you to do the demolition...has been on my mind.

Other things along the same lines ongoing issues too. A couple of people I don't really want in my life anymore and don't really know how to put an end to those relationships definitevly. Problems with roommate making me feel trapped and uncomfortable at home and trying my best to make that better and yet it...isn't, so far at least.

I just feel very trapped and very sick of so many things. Keep wishing I could just...run away. Be free. Unchain myself and not be here, like this, me...

Defy

Also quite appropriate to my situation right now. See, whenever I am having a particularly bad time...I really just want to withdraw. Isolate myself from everything. I guess it's the Cancer in me - shell, yes, crawl into shell.

I can't, though, not really. I have classes I need to go to, and once I'm there I have to talk and participate because well, grades are affected by participation and so is learning more generally and for the amount of money these classes cost...I better be making the most I can out of it. And I have work, and all the small talk that goes with that.

And really, even in personal life...I am trying, still, somewhat. The once or twice phone call or parents, occasionally actually calling back a friend, and online especially, posting and commenting...trying not to be so hermit-like. I could really be doing more in this direction though, and I know it. Have been letting myself slip back into that isolate isolate mode, which isn't great for many on any level, and I think that this card is trying to point that out.

Reach out. Try harder to connect. You don't have to handle everything alone all the time. Really.

Escape

Ha. Like I said...kind of have been overwhelmed with the desire to escape from...everything. Anything. The world as I know it, as I have constructed it around myself. The way that everything can narrow in around you to a small handful of issues that you can barely see beyond and those increasingly just become...so tiresome, too much.

Also, I suppose, reversed World is apt in that...this pervasive feeling that no matter how hard I try, or what I do, I'll never really achieve much, accomplish anything, go anywhere, do anything. That there will never really be the kind of self-fulfillment that I am looking for. No nice happy ending. That everything is essentially pointless. I think this is really, on a deeper level, why I lack the motivation to really do what I need to do to free myself of all those devil things...

By the same token, I think this card is saying that this kind of thinking is exactly what I need to 'escape'. If failure is inevitable and everything has no meaning then why bother freeing myself of those chains or engaging with people/world around me, right? But of course, you can never achieve if all you think about is negativity, the world upside-down...self-fulfilling prophecies and all that.

Want to escape from the tangible world around me. Need to escape from the faulty constructs of world i create for myself in my head.