perils of the dreamy-eyed

We have here my first proper draw from a rather different deck I recently acquired - the Songs for the Journey Home Mini. Unlike the other circular deck I once had (Circle of Life), this one is small enough that it shuffles quite comfortably, and can be used for larger spreads without taking up too much space. Usually my preference is against completely redone titles, but every so often I do make an exception...

The image and title of the first card make for a rather different take, but the concept remains a familiar one. Wave Awakening, or the Knight of Cups in regular court terms, represents the idea of the dreamy-eyed romantic, a person overcome by passion, idealized ideas of what is or what should be. He rushes forward, dives into the waves so full of that lust, ready to see what he wants to see. The water must be warm and deep,  rich with rainbow-colored tones and just waiting to wrap him in its embrace. Everything will be perfect, in this starry-eyed vision of the world. It is a vision full of "should" and "fair", things imagined in so much detail, a sort of narrow, stubborn focus.

The Five of Waves songs, as the Cups suit is called, shows where such an attitude can so often lead to - disappointment, disillusionment, misery and moping. Even here, the way of looking at the world is not much changed: unhappy, but still with those ideas about how things should be, that perfectly imagined dream at the center of everything even if now it is broken to pieces and scattered across the floor. Look at those tea cups - pretty, with elaborate designs and vivid colors painted on. No doubt an expensive set; a sturdier set, with cups enough to spare for the occasional accident, could have been purchased at a far lower cost. But that, of course, would not have been living the dream, the romanticized idea of what life ought to look like and include. Now, instead of thinking pragmatically on how to move forward, how to clean up and continue on and learn what lessons can be learned from the mess in front of him, the figure merely stands and sobs, weeps. Woe is me he says, stares at what is spilt, broken, done with.

Though most of us have (unfortunately) encountered individuals who truly personify this outlook, and though we may be far more sensible than that by and large...most people, I think, struggle with this tendency sometimes, in some particularly area of their lives. The idea of the perfect relationship that never seems to work out, the job that is never what you are looking for in a job, the kid who doesn't act or look like the kid you always wanted to have...it can be many things. It's a struggle, to retain our optimism and dreams without falling into the trap of over-romanticizing things. It is hard to fully internalize and accept, without bitterness, certain simple facts: that the world does not owe you anything, that there are no real measures of what is 'right' in a partner or a job or anything else that are the same for all, that what you want to be is quite often not what is or what can be, that some things will simply never work out and that fairness has very little indeed to do with how things in the world tend to work out.

It is difficult to learn and to remember this: how to see the world for how it really is and still dive, not into some imagined, gleaming pool but rather into waves that you know are frigid and turbulent, will have you shivering, kicking and flailing madly just to stay afloat; to see the broken cup and simply sigh, pick up the pieces and toss them, bring out the mop, brew more tea and pour it again. It takes time to learn to drink from chipped and cracked mugs without that melancholy regret.

Lesson on Pushing Through

I've been feeling rather adrift, still, in various ways. Decided to do a quick draw with dear Thoth, with the question/theme of A lesson I ought to reflect on ...

An interesting duality in these two cards: two eights, two titles starting with an I. Interference and Indolence stand together as barriers, obstacles. In the 8 of swords we have blades of various sizes line up, crossed by two straight rapiers. All of them have a certain almost translucence quality to them, as if they were made of glass, made of something not quite real or solid. They seem to block the way to something - but what? Behind them the background seems violent, chaotic - dark violet with what looks like angry sparks of red energy. Even the air here is difficult to bear. Astrologically we have Saturn in Gemini here - that half-wild, disorganized brilliance thrown into a tizzy by a negative, unexpected influence. Communication has been disturbed, perverted, twisted until it hurts instead of helps progress. The air sign did not have a strong enough foundation, and now it spins off-course. The mind is sharp, full of wit, quick on the uptake with many things, but also terribly liable towards distraction, towards spirals of self-defeat and negativity, towards exaggerations of problems, impossibility.

In the eight of cups we have a similarly disheartening scene. The cups here stand in a symmetrical pattern still, tied with vines and flowers, but this card is far removed from some of the others in the suit. Here the cups are chipped, broken in numerous places. The lotus flowers room as if dying, perhaps poisoned or corrupted by the inky black waters below. The sky too is almost black, full or storms and cold and lack of light. Despair seems to be the mood here, and this card, like the previous, is also ruled by Saturn. Saturn in Pisces, here - deep emotion turned to melancholic, spirituality affected by hopelessness, compassion burned out. Indolence, giving up because why bother and it is easier to do nothing and simply watch things fall apart, wrapped up in dread of the inevitable. Focusing on the sorrow, the listlessness, the heavy clouds that linger always overhead.

The feeling of too many obstacles and difficulties, too much unknown and already ruined and hopeless, both on intellectual and emotional levels, could be quite problematic indeed. And what to do about that?

Go on. Push forward with chariot pulled by the confident lion, surrounded and blazing with fiery light. Light so bright that it could burn your retinas, that it could not possibly be real, you say looking at it, pondering it. Fake light, make it real because you need to to be light, fake it till you make it light and what does it matter in the end, the nature of it and where it might come from and why?

It shines, a contrast to the grim muddled darkness of the two eight cards. We have motion here, so much movement - not static despair but action, momentum. Go forward with confident air, hold wand of authority in hand and a rein, go. Push forward, through and beyond. See and feel and think of the Interference and Indolence but do not be held back by them, slowed down or stopped. Move through them, hopefully beyond them. Keep going even if they are still there. Cancer and Leo influence - creative passion, a balance of introvert and the people person facade.

He can be reckless sometimes, to a fault, but perhaps sometimes recklessness is the lesser evil: better to move wildly than to not move at all, to remain in the same, bitter place. Let restlessness drive you, harness those impulses and that inner energy and push through, even if you don't quite know where you are going.

Poem for a Court Excercise

So I just got myself The Tarot Playbook, which I've had my eye on for a while seeing as how I generally quite like doing out of the box type exercises with my tarot cards. I decided to start off my just opening to a random page, which got me one called "How Do I Love Thee". Basically, the assignment is to pick a court card (I drew one randomly), find four traits you like most about them, choose four adjectives to go with each trait, and then compose a love poem for the court using those adjectives. I am very much not a love poem type person: not from the reading end of things (newest poetry book, which I got along with this tarot book, focuses largely on Armenian Genocide...) and especially not from the writing end, so a  challenge indeed. I don't think this is quite lovey but, well ;]
 ---

youthful rider:
offbeat, always confident -
silly, or focused?
we wonder, stare
at red robes so fiery,
royal and long
and yet your horse is winking.
how can you be the charming
knight with a hat so rounded?
can valour controlled
be so full of color?

perhaps it does not matter.
it has always enchanted us -
oddity, the knowing smirk.

One year down and on we go

And so here we are: exactly a year ago today, 12/12/2011, I wrote my first post in this here tarot blog. Today is 12/12/2012 and thus far at least, the world has not come to an end :]

I wanted to draw a card to reflect on this milestone, and what came up but the Knight of Coins, a card I've written about several times in this blog. I must admit I rather adore how it is portrayed in this deck - I have to say, and this coming from a very avid trimmer, that this really one of the decks most improved by chopping all the borders off. The knight here, richly dressed and cloaked, moves forward on his horse through the world. He appears to be in the middle of a jungle of some sort - beautiful but a the same time, no doubt uncomfortable - sticky and hot, dark, so easy to get lost in. But this knight is not concerned, no. There is a certain serenity in his expression, a confident kind of calm. He knows he can keep going and so he does, deals with anything that comes his way, and during those interludes between obstacles he simply enjoys the peace rather than stressing and worrying about what the next difficulty might be.

Below the ground we see a helmet-stamped coin, representative perhaps of that traditional suit of armor that this particular knight isn't seen to be wearing. Sometimes the armor you need to face the world isn't outside of you, something you put on. No, its deep within, the root that steadies you, nourishes you. It's your approach, your mindset, your unconscious.

The knight moves forward and so do I. I worried when I started this blog that I would abandon it, get distracted, as I've done with among other things two other blogger blogs, which I glance at guiltily every time I log in. But no, more or less frequently, I have gone on posting here, reflecting, working with the cards. I've gotten a lot more familiar with my decks and tastes in the last year, working on figuring out which ones are true favorites, which I don't actually like quite as much as I thought I did.

And likewise, life in general. As I said in the previous post...exactly a year ago I was madly scrambling to finish a paper. Now I am doing the same exact thing. Different class though, different paper. Last year, finishing my first semester in a grad program, I was still feeling a bit insecure about whether I was actually good enough, capable enough, to do well in graduate school. Now I write and I know, if I can just get this done, that I can do well. I've gotten very gratifyingly positive feedback from all my professors this semester. Not done with things yet, not at all but...progress, yes. On and on we go, forcing ourselves to read and to type and to type. After this two more papers to write before my semester is done. Lots of reading about lots of very non-uplifting things. But so it goes, and so we go - onwards.

Work-horse type deck, and hard work

So yeah, as I may or may not have mentioned here before, the plain-old RWS has never really been my thing. My first ever deck was the Universal Waite, and although it was quite useful in teaching me the basics of the system, I had quite a few issues with the imagery. I gave it away as soon as I procured my second deck and never really looked back. Until quite recently, that is. Things coming full-circle I suppose. The PCS Commemorative seemed like such a nice take on the deck - not too yellow, nicely aged-looking, great extras in the kit - that eventually I couldn't resist. This week I decided to finally take the plunge and work with it.

So far, I am finding it not unlike this card, which I drew early this morning. A work-horse of a deck. Nothing super special, no incredibly deep connection or intense plumbing of my sub-conscious but...clear, concise readings that really get the point across very well. A certain bluntness that I rather appreciate. There's no long staring into the details of the cards here...the answer is there. I can see why a lot of people seem to see the 'classic' decks like RWS as best for reading for others.

But yeah, I've done 3-4 readings for myself, and they have been spot and and to the point and very useful, overall. The cardstock, while definitely not the best of all my decks, is definitely nice by contemporary USG standards; it has a waxy feel I quite enjoy. I definitely like the colors, and the art style in general - it definitely works much better for me than the Universal Waite ever could. Looking forward to the rest of my week with the deck. To me, worth the purchase, especially with very nice Pamela Coleman Smith extras that come with.

As for the actual draw: had an exam today, which I actually just got done with. I suppose, even when in the grand scheme of things the stakes aren't all that high, there is always some apprehension for me with exams. The perfectionist in me or whatnot. This card reminds me that I already have been doing everything I really could be - working hard in class, studying outside of it, writing and re-writing vocabulary to try to memorize, really TRYING and doing the WORK necessary to learn; that's really the best I can do. If it pays off and I do well on the exam, great. If I do a bit less well (and with the work I've done, I don't really think FAILURE is really likely) well, then at least I'll know what I need to focus on in the coming weeks. The goal is not numbers on a piece of paper but rather knowledge in my head. Keeping at it in terms of doing the actual work will get me there, eventually.

A VRR Story Time

Realized that I haven't done one of these in quite a bit so...why not. Here goes an attempt at the three card draw story exercise with the lovely Victorian Romantic Russian.

There was a woman once, no longer young but not yet into her older years. She had worked in many jobs over the years, from the odd to the quite rather mundane. Nothing held her attention for very long, however, and unlike most this woman preferred uncertainty and even a bit of danger to simply continuing on with something unsatisfying but familiar. Most recently the woman had found work acting as a fool in small troupe of performers. She wore a costume that obscured her gender, her face, all the details of her true identity. She acted and made people laugh, worked with a little dog that belonged to the leader of the group. It was altogether a different experience to be both on stage and utterly obscured, and at first, the woman plunged right into her new work.

The group soon came to the attention of a the local Lord, and then gained the favor of him and his family. Now they had steady work, scheduled, and larger audiences. They had to practice more, make up new routines, dress up in more complex outfits. The woman didn't like the pressure of this new arrangement, the commitment it seemed to necessitate from them all. She didn't like to be boxed in so. She began to take long sulky walks during the day before performances. She went in regular clothes, unrecognizable, through the gardens of her troupe's patron, sometimes straying into the the adjacent forests. On one such walk, lost in her thoughts, the woman met a man - if he could be called that - standing in a large field of many-colored flowers.

In truth this man was a fairy, a sort of forest spirit. Like the woman, this fairy man had grown tired of his own surroundings. Ennui drove him to approach her, and she, always curious rather than cautious about the unknown, soon opened her life to him and described her troubles. "It is that noble lord that keeps you stuck in that position. A creature like you shouldn't work - you should be admired!" he declared, after hearing her. "I will fix this!" he then declared, and sprinted off before the woman's mind even had time to make sense of his words, and realize that she didn't like them, or the ideas they were based on. It was too late to argue however, for the man, magical as she was not, had left her far behind. Alone, she walked back to the town and her troupe, a sense of dread filling her as she drew closer. Once she arrived, the woman discovered to her horror that the fairy had simply slaughtered the nobleman's entire family, and anyone else who had tried to protect him or who happened to get in the way of the fairy's sword. Paralyzed with horror and guilt, the woman again did not see until it was far too late that the fairy was now charging towards her. And so he carried her off, heedless of all cries and protests.

It was years before the fairy grew bored and the woman managed to escape his clutches.

dashing towards our hopes

I decided to try working with the Arcana Stones again this morning, this time in a shorter, more casual fashion. Ended up with one stone on one card: a nice, succint message for the day.

We have the Knight of Wands here, on his black horse. Saying this reminds me of that Knight Study series I was supposed to finish here, but...you can tell a lot about each of the knights from the position of their horses. Here, we see the animal rearing on its hind legs - that extra momentum, the energy pulling it up, but also a degree of combativeness not seen in any of the other suits. Fire, after all, is the most easily dangerous of the elements; fire burns.

Being a Knight, the card speaks not just of wild energy, of fierceness, but rather of all that controlled. The rider is experiences, wise enough to know when and what to harness, and how, in order to achieve his goal. He rides with his flaming baton at the ready. Like the other knights, he has his armor to protecting him - more physical in nature than that of the Swords Knight, but not so heavy as that of the Disks. Behind him we see the backgroound of curling glames, so much light and heat.. So much to do, yes, to take control over, energy directed in to action. He rides and he fights and he takes on what he must take on in order to achieve...

But what, exactly, is he doing all of that for? What drives him? I write a lot, both here and especially in my personal journey, about getting things done simply because you must, because it is necessary and there are no other options. And that is, indeed, a valid driving factor - yet, you cannot really get this kind of passion if THAT is what underlies everything. No, for this kind of more energetic, more enthusiastic, more driven approach...you need to have some kind of...hope, dreams, ideals.

The stone here is blue lace agate, signifying the Star. Aquarius major, the cool blue a contrast to the fire of the knight and yet... The star: dreams, hopes, the forces that keep you going. Wishes, grasping towards those far pinpoints of light in the night, in the darkness...

When something...Star-like is visible, near-graspable, clearly on the horizon...it becomes easier to motivate ourselves to approach the things, the obstacles, whatever, that seperate us from it with this kind of fiery enthusiasm: Scorpio and Sagittarius, grim determination and sheer optimistic drive, all focused towards that pretty, shiny blue in the distance...

Which is to say, this is whole reading is pretty much speaking to my efforts at getting my shite together/getting organized for my rapidly approaching Tunisia adventure. All the things I've been doing, and need to continue to do. It's not really in my nature to get truly 'excited' by most things, but...a little spark, slowly growing as everything comes together. Need to channel and direct that energy, keep knocking those things off the To Do list...

making things happen

Having those two options in front of you - the choice, those possibilities - is certainly difficult. You ponder and write and try to figure out what exactly it is that you want, and how to come to a decision...

But what about after, when you finally settle on an answer, finally commit, in your own mind, to truly putting your all into making that vague plan into a concrete reality? It is easy to stare nervously, anxiously at the doorway in front of you. It dwelling on the sudden realization of all that you still have to do with a certain sense of dread. It is easy to wish and to dream, and it is easy to worry and fret. Yes, it is easy to stand in place doing all of those things.

What is harder - necessary, but certainly harder - is actually buckling down and taking care of all of the concrete details, the tasks ahead of you. To look down at that long To Do list, take a deep breath, and start to actually take care of those things, one at a time.

What is necessary now, once you've determined that you WILL pursue this, is to slog on through the muck, to trudge forward through all of the little obstacles, the difficulties, the tediousness. A pragmatic approach is necessary, and a certain bit of determined stubborness. Force yourself on even when you aren't feeling it,  when you just feel overwhelmed. Force yourself forward even when you fell terribly, terribly tired.

The truth is that yes, I have decided, truly decided, to try to make something that would, to me, be an absolutely amazing experience a reality. And to do that I must get very many [often frustrating] things done in a very short period of time... I find  that I don't read as much with reversals these days as I used to, but with this deck, doing so feels particularly appropriate:

The Tower is usually about great, sudden, painful change. Necessary trauma, the tearing away of the old... Here, reversed, we see a different kind of transition: they are not falling, these haunting, skeletal figures, so tired and starved. No, instead they are floating up - floating on a stream of the etheral dreams, floating away from below, the suffering etched onto their bodies, their skin.

Sometimes when that sudden traumatic change just isn't possible... Another approach: the slow building up of something new, brick by brick, limb by limb. An escape, if only for a time, from the familiar, those thorned restraints. Perhaps this cannot be that true, permanent shift, the violent knocking away but... it is a hint, a taste of that freedom. It is the chance to see how it feels to fall, to throw yourself into something higher up.

new deck, on action

Working with the Golden Tarot of Klimt this week. The deck is a lovely one...sadly, due to the nature of the gold gilt, scans can never quite do it justice... :[

"Life is very short and what we have to do must be done in the now."
- Audre Lorde

“In each age men of genius undertake the ascent. From below, the world follows them with their eyes. These men go up the mountain, enter the clouds, disappear, reappear, People watch them, mark them. They walk by the side of precipices. They daringly pursue their road. See them aloft, see them in the distance; they are but black specks. On they go. The road is uneven, its difficulties constant. At each step a wall, at each step a trap. As they rise the cold increases. They must make their ladder, cut the ice and walk on it., hewing the steps in haste. A storm is raging. Nevertheless they go forward in their madness. The air becomes difficult to breath. The abyss yawns below them. Some fall. Others stop and retrace their steps; there is a sad weariness. The bold ones continue. They are eyed by the eagles; the lightning plays about them: the hurricane is furious. No matter, they persevere.”

- Victor Hugo

“There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still.” 

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Knight Study II: Swords

So, because it came up anyway in a daily reading I did for myself this morning, continuing the series inspired by Rowan Tarot and This Game of Thrones - talking about the Knights in the Thoth tarot.

Knight of Swords

Here again we have a knight that isn't quite comparable to the RWS king of the same suit. There are similarities, certainly: both are logical, calculating, ruthless when they need to be. Both are quite capable of being discerning, and both have a certain quality - in contrast to the prince/knight of the court - of being very controlled. The King however, is again more  'passive' for lack of a better term: he sits and he judges, sometimes over-harshly, over-critically. He seeks to manage and control. He is active, sure, but intellectually, by and large.

In contrast, the Thoth knight is all about movement, action. In contrast to the disk knight's horse, who stands firmly on earth, the one here leaps through the air. It is a golden horse, wise and filled with a higher kind of power, and it can run through the wind, through the ethers, through anywhere, really, that its master needs it to go. And the knight is clad in bright green, like the Fool: full of energy, vitality, possibility. His helmet has transparent wings, helicopter-like in design. This knight is supremely flexible, adaptable: he has a focus, a goal that he will pursue relentlessly, and with those wings he can fly, or he can hover, give the horse more speed, adjust his course as rapidly and often as he needs - anything. In fact, wrapped into the horse as he is, you can barely tell where the man ends and the beast begins: they are one with each other, sharing intention and instinct and drive.

This is not the Prince, recklessly riding forward. The king, logical and calculating, knows exactly what he wants to do, and how. He has his sword and dagger ready, his target selected with pin-point precision. He does nothing without a reason, without logic to back up his decision. But once he focuses on a goal...he PURSUES it indeed. There are swallows around him, golden like the horse: they are his too. They guide him, keep him on course, keep him from getting distracted or developing that kind of tunnel-vision that can stop you from seeing the bigger picture. See, the knight can play well with others when it suits him, share ideas and perspectives, though in the end he does prefer to lead. He is moving, always moving, but smartly, everything calculated carefully. The Queen IS, but the Knight DOES.

Unlike the King, the Knight takes his ability to harness the power of logic; the discipline and control he has mastered over himself; his ability to think critically, to judge, plan, and follow through ruthlessly, and he focuses them on a goal. And he achieves that goal, and moves onto the next and so on. At his best he is in fact the very image of precision: the well though out, action-oriented campaign.

--
For the record, the card came up alongside of the Wheel of Fortune and 6 of Wands for me. I took the message to be one of, basically...sometimes things are hard, you don't feel well, you have problems going on and you just feel...overwhelmed with a kind of hopeless despair. And sometimes you have to realize that now is not the TIME for that, and instead focus, in this kind of logical and directed way, at successfully accomplishing the immediate tasks in front of you. So I went to a meeting with one of my presentation groups, participated lots in the planning, and we got quite a lot done. Then I made some good headway in outlining my memo that I must have done for Monday, and plan on doing some more research as soon as I finish posting this. So YES, appropriate message indeed. Thoth is one of the few decks I've ever worked with where I can pull cards multiple times a day and get a meaningful, USEFUL message just about every time....

Knight Study I: Disks

So, inspired my some recent posts and ideas on Rowan Tarot and This Game of Thrones, I decided I would like to write a bit specifically about the Knights in the Thoth. Knights, because I find them rather interesting, not least because they do not translate, exactly, to either knights or kings in RWS tradition decks. It's hard (and, in my opinion, not really appropriate) to make direct correlations... I don't have the time/energy right now to do it all in one comprehensive post, though, so breaking it up into bits and pieces series.

Knight of Disks

So yeah, Thoth Knights - they aren't equivalent to the RWS kings, really. In the RWS, the King of Pentacles/Coins is a man sitting in the midst of the wealth and bounty he has created for himself. He is a man fulfilled, a man grounded, a man who rules over what he has accomplished. He is solid and in many ways static - pragmatic when he doesn't cling overmuch, and yet not so likely to make changes if he doesn't HAVE to - what he's done so far has gotten him this much, so why change things now? He is the ruler of his domain, his home.

I've never really connected with that particular court card, I must say. Certainly it is quite far from where I am right now in life. No, as I've written about before, its the Knight of Pentacles that I identify with quite strongly....solid, perhaps not so enthusiastic but pragmatic, forward and forward through obstacles, trudging along, determined realism...

In the Thoth Knight of Disks we have a combination of those, really. He sits on a horse - unlike the horses in the other suits, this horse has his hooves firmly planted in the ground and he is standing still rather than in motion. He cranes his neck, though, looking around - aware, cautious, wise. He's on the same page as his master: realistic, knowing what danger lurks, what to look out for, what to keep in mind. They stand in front of some wheat, fertile ground for starting new things and a source of grazing for the horse too, perhaps. Sustainable effort, then. They can get along here as long as it takes to get the task done. The knight wears a suit of heavy black armor - protection, from whatever he might have to face, whether physical or mental. Perhaps that much protection - the black metal in the hot sun -presents difficulties, but he can manage to carry that burden; he must. He carries a heavy shield too, and it protects, emanates a forcefield that blankets him, his mount, everything. His helmet is up so that he can see clearly, assess realistically and without distortion.

This is not a man who has accomplished, who sits with his spoils by his throne, satisfied. But neither is he the Prince, riding out with his bull-drawn chariot, naked and ready to face the world for the first time. The knight is experienced. He has done this before. He knows how to pace himself, conserve energy; he knows that it doesn't pay to exhaust a horse with unneccessary motion. He knows how important it is to find a fertile place for longer campaigns. He knows how much danger there is, how many obstacles, and how much the world can hurt you, and how much it pays to be protected, shielded and armored. He knows too, how heavy the armor will make him, how hot, how much more of an effort it will be to move. He has prepared for it, accounted for it, readied himself to deal with it because he must, he must. The knight knows exactly how many things must be faced out of that kind of necessity. In plains or mountains or deserts or fields, however long or short a time it will take. He has done it before and he will do it again, and its that perseverance that is his accomplishment, not fruit or coins on a table before him.

That heavy shield, the weight of everything - difficult, difficult, but you can do it. You have the armor, the strong and steady mount. You can see clearly, and you are experienced enough to understand what you see. Be realistic. Plan. Deal with it. Go.

the right approach to idealism

So lacking time for longer/more interesting reading (I've seen several spreads lately I really want to try out!) decided to simply do another take on the idea of drawing one card from two different decks and interpreting them together. In this case, from Thoth and from my new deck for the next week or two, the trimmed Harmonious...

It's kind of funny, but I don't have a particularly high opinion of the Knight/Prince of Cups generally - relating this to others, I kind of see it as the kind of guy that is liable to pursue you a bit TOO hard, to the point of getting creepy and uncomfortable; the type that just doesn't want to HEAR it when the answer is no. In yourself, I kind of see it as that same kind of tendency toward...over-idealism, romanticizing things rather than dealing with reality, single-minded pursuit of dreams when a more pragmatic approach would get you further; the rose-colored glasses approach. I suppose that makes sense, that someone who identifies mostly with Queen of Swords and Knight of Pentacles might not see the Knight of Cups so positively...

But I think the message here is that sometimes, a little idealism - some devoted following of some dream or idea, some determined optimism - can be a good, or an even necessary thing. It's a good counter to negative thinking, to that kind of 'there is no way you can get that done, why even bother' voice. Maybe this knight isn't the most....together, in his approach toward that castle, but he's still going, not letting anyone or anything convince him otherwise. I mean, the fact that he has to have a cup of - what, liquid courage? - with him isn't the best sign, but...it's about HOW you go about the idealism, the dreams.

Virtious thinking. Positive thinking, not just in terms of optimistic thoughts but... positive in terms of being pro-active, pragmatic - what kind of goals do I have? What effects do I want to have, and how can I best go about doing that? It's self-confident, optimistic, directed thinking....

The Sun in Aries, we have in the three of wands - all the good, energetic, bright, right energies of the Sun channeled into action, into boldness. Relating to the majors associated with those astrological signs, we have the Emperor and the Sun: discipline that leads to success, fulfillment. There's a lot of bright orange and yellow color, which goes well with the color palette of the Knight of Cups as well. By taking the idea of the three of wands, combining that with the best aspects of the knight... well, some obstacles or difficult tasks ahead of us may just start to look a bit more manageable.

short insights/free associations

So I suppose this idea is somewhere between a proper reading and just a free association exercise. Instead of shuffling the cards and drawing in my usual particular way, I just kind of spilled the deck onto my bed and mixed the cards around in circles and then just...picked three at random. Idea to write short fragments/insights for each that come to mind, but in relation to me rather than in the abstract...

What's funny is that before I trimmed them, the minors in this deck had Thoth titles - which I thought was a bit off since they are really mostly RWS based but since I've been working with the Thoth so much lately, they kind of come to mind anyway now...

Interference in this case, and yes. Feeling tied and very very stuck in certain situations and with certain issues, which theoretically I could free myself from yes except that...well, somehow that never works out, regardless of my intentions...years and years and years and somehow that never works out. The thing with these situations, which I think this card really captures, is that it isn't always as in the traditional RWS image with the woman blindfolded and simply unwilling to see how she could cut her bindings loose and leave...no, sometimes it just feels like this, in which you can see the situation quite clearly and yet, puppet strings controlling you, other factors and you just cannot seem to be able to take the proper actions...watching yourself, your body do the same old...a certain sense of disreality, disconnection, being there but not properly, not really because those strings attached, always those strings, interfering with any effort to get past that circle of swords and it gets so frustrating and you grow so detached...

I've written about this card before, the Prince (RWS knight) of pentacles...feel a particular connection with him yes, and I love the illustration here, the chariot driven by the taurus bull, such a solid, reliable animal, determined, pulling through anything. My approach to life in so many contexts. A certain stubbornness with positive connotations because you see, I may be indecisive sometimes, lack some confidence but once I commit to something - no matter what else is going on, what other kinds of problems I am having, if I am supposed to get something done I cannot let myself fail, must try to get it done and well.  I tend to commit myself to many things because its a kind of forced accountability, forced productivity, so I still do this blog and join/create reading circles on AT and set little goals for myself and try to get all my school work done and work and this isn't even the busiest I've ever been, not at all, and if in the middle of it those 8 swords problems are still so very much there and something else happens on top of that? So what, proceed proceed, must keep trudging our way forward, somehow...

Again I quite like the imagery...we have the monkey, sure, climbing up, improving and growing, achieving; the sphinx at the top, ruling over what it has, powerful; and the crocodile falling down, destroying, things all going to hell. Thothy influence indeed, in the majors. The wheel spins, sure, cycles and changes, but what I really like here is that fact that the wheel is a cog, gears and cogs and it is not one wheel but many, each going in its own cycle of up and down and around. This is exactly how life tends to be: how often do things line up so that everything is on an upward trend, or doing find, or even yes, falling apart? For me it's usually...some aspect has gotten a bit better, and in another area I am on top of things, have just succeeded, while in a third something stunningly unfortunate has just occurred and the trick of it is to somehow address all three of those facts in an appropriate manner. It can be confusing if it really is that much of a juxtaposition: so am I supposed to feel excited right now, or proud, or sad and a bit betrayed?  On the other hand, keeping this in mind can also be rather helpful - if on the one hand, the wheel seems to be spinning downwards for you, well, it helps to look around at what other wheels are also spinning - surely some are cycling towards better things, or are still at that peak. Everything changes, but at different paces and rates and for different reasons. So many different fortunes intertwined...

(And uh, on reflection, I guess this wasn't so "short" after all...I do have a tendency to ramble, don't I?)

A Deck of Quirky Courts

So I tend to try to stick to writing here about the decks that I am actually currently working with, but now and then...an exception.

I decided to take advantage of my access to a scanner here to get my de la rea deck on my computer for future such blogging purposes, and was reminded again why this is one of my favorite decks. It's on odd one, to be sure: offbeat art style, very Marseille based but everything is masks, pip minors with odd elemental associations illustrated differently than the usual Marseille patterns. Gold and silver paint on the cards, and they are so very pretty...this is most definitely an art deck, a deck for collectors, and for some at least, that's more or less what it is.

I have a rule though, about reading with all decks I own. If I cannot read with it, I do not keep it. And indeed, I've found a way - a very specific way - to get this deck to give me brilliant readings. I only ever read with it using the Comte de Mellet spread, no reversals. With this method, readings vary from short, with only one or two pairs of cards to read, to quite longer. In fact, after my scanning spree I was inspired to do a reading for myself with it...it ended up being six pairs, for a total of twelve cards, much more than my reading usual. As usual, utterly on point, accurate, and thorough. That reading is too long and too personal to post here, so instead I thought I would linger a bit on one aspect of this deck I find particularly charming - the courts!

It is of course an extra challenge to take the courts - often considered some of the trickiest cards in the deck to read - and show them as these masked, abstracted figures. Yes, what I love about these is just how well the 'feel' of each court is expressed. I love the knight of wands, for example, because he isn't quite the bold rushing forward figure of other decks...yet actually, expression not unlike that of the RWS really...uncertain, heading into unfamiliar territory perhaps, encountering some surprise, the ridicule of the horse...and yet he goes anyway. What's that saying about courage being about feeling fear and proceeding anyway? I like this queen too...majestic in the way she holds that cup, her hood over her like a canopy, the influence of intuition, mind...

I also quite like these two courts. The starkness of the coloring on the King of Swords really highlights the kind of harsh, unyielding intellectual nature of this figure, the width of his collar and garb how much space he takes up, his authority...everything black, white, red. Those shoulder masks... As for this page...the garb of a scholar, or at least it seems so to me, and the curious up-tilt of the head. She likes learning new things, this page, exploring, inspecting, enriching herself. Love the detail of the sprouting plant in the background.

But yes, love the quirky courts in this deck, and shall definitely be doing some exercises around them eventually, when I get back to working with this deck more regularly. It really is such a treasure: the majors are, too, quite awesome :]

victory over the mind, sometimes

So, yesterday did turn out to be quite a productive and good day. I got a bunch of things I wanted to do done (and dear Shamil is in his nice new pot!), and even succeeded in not engaging in certain...behaviors that it is ordinarily very, very hard for me not to engage in for any amount of time.

It's kind of funny...the knight here is all about charging into action, sword at the ready, horse at the ready, bird of prey, even, at the ready. Charging off to battle with his allies in tow, as it were. Though interesting that in this deck, he isn't wear any heavy armor to speak of, just robes. I wrote about this knight a few days ago, thinking about him and the destructive potential of these kinds of charge! battle! impulses in relation to larger conflicts and wars. But of course, it's not always bad to face something head on, to put up a struggle, and sometimes the struggle you really need to engage in is within yourself.

Which brings to mind the Islamic concept of jihad actually. The way that the term has such dual meaning - the more commonly known one, in this day and age, the one co-opted by radicals and repeated to inanity by pundits - and the other. Yes, jihad can be a struggle with the other, with the invader, with the oppressor, but it can also be a struggle with YOURSELF. To master your own impulses, base desires, flaws. Of course, if your are religious, the point of all that is to better submit to god.

And if, like me, you do not have a bone of religiosity in your body? Well then there is striving to meet your own expectations, to fulfill your own dreams and ambitions and criteria for being a good person. Sevens, of course, can be related to the Chariot, arcana 7, victory in a particular battle - victory that came from control and discipline, from bringing together various potentially opposing drives within or without yourself and making them work for YOU. And of course, the victory in the seven is singular, one battle in many; you cannot get complacent just because you succeeded once.

I like the palms here, the fact that within that struggle you can find a bit of peace and beauty. One thing I really, really loved about Egypt was the flora there. How, right next to the desert you could have such beautiful flowers and trees... you can find peace in struggle, especially if what you are struggling against is within yourself, and is a destructive force in your life.

Another blog I read uses the term 'jerkbrain' a lot and it's an idea I find very true: that stupid voice inside of your head that tells you that you aren't good enough, that what you have done is actually not impressive at all, always bringing up the negative, the negative; it would like to drown you in the NEGATIVE side of things...

The proper thing to do, of course, is to sic your crow or raven or falcon or whatever your bird friend is on it ;] (For me, a raven, another tattoo I want to get as soon as I can afford.) Go out into the world and take on your own mind, and sometimes, just sometimes, you can actually WIN over it. That's always something, right?

And if you see some palm trees or flowers in the middle of all that, take a moment to enjoy them; that's a kind of victory too.

reflecting on conflict

Got some new ink pads and have been playing at gilting some of my deck edges. Was doing a bit with Light and Shadow and decided to draw a card while I was at it. Despite the size of it (I like my decks SMALL, not huge; this is a major reason why I've developed such a penchant for deck trimming...) it really is a charming deck...

The Prince of Swords. He rides an eagle, sword at the ready, off to battle at any moment, excited. The eagle too, holds butterflies in its beak. The prince of swords, with his impetuous energy, his recklessness, his violent tendencies. And how many princes like this, or knights, or warlords, or whatever you want to call them, are there, have there been, will there be?

I'm sitting here, hours past midnight, drinking coffee and forcing myself to finish reading about the 19th century Mahdist rebellion in the Sudan. Dates and figures and reasons. This man studied here and here with this and that religious figure, took up this and that position, gathered followers and fighters with these words. And they fought here and here for these reasons. They used this and that as propaganda. And they fought against these men under the command of this man and when that didn't go so well this man was put in charge. There was a battle here and so many people died. Fields were destroyed here to deprive the rebels of sustenance. They moved here. There was another battle. This reasoning was used to continue the struggle. And so on, and so forth.

What the reading doesn't mention, what the HISTORICAL readings rarely do, is the human cost: how many people were displaced? How many villages destroyed? How many civilians died in the chaos? How many starved? Where were their bodies buried? How long did their children mourn? And would the god for which they ostensibly fought have approved of this? Yes, well why? Oh, that reasoning, that doctrine. And how many of the men following the leader into battle BELIEVED in that and how many, like this prince, just wanted the chance to pick up a sword, to show themselves capable at the "Art of War"?

Always the reasoning, the CAUSE: for these men religion and for these men nationalism and for these men colonialism and economic exploitation and political domination and always the youths to follow and always the same grim results and on and on it goes. History books are filled and we read them with interest or horror or indifference and if there was something particularly shocking maybe we gasp and say never again and then watch it happen again somewhere far away where men's skins are colored different than our own and pretend it isn't happening and so it goes. Reminds me of a poem I wrote a while ago...

The glory
of ancient Greece,
Persia and Rome was once
overwhelming.
Perhaps their odes,
their many tomes
of words can account
for their renown.
But perhaps it was swords,
chariots, shields and ships
that pushed their wonders
down the throats
of men around the world.
Perhaps the only
sounds that glory needs
are grunts and shrieks,
the swoosh and clang
of blades hitting blades,
cutting skin;
Perhaps men, seeking
always to bask in its awe
will crave war
for all of eternity.

Finding Balance Spread

So, to continue on with my year-word theme of equilibrium, I decided to do this simple little spread. The point of a scale is to weight things, to make sure they are in balance - hence its use to represent idealized justice. So in this spread, I ask:

What influences weigh too heavily in my life right now? 

What influences weigh too lightly?

Again, in the actual spread both came up as reversals, so keeping that in mind in terms of my interpretation but posting regularly because, well.

Lovers of this deck shows up again here, this time to reflect on what's too much of an influence in my life...reversal here makes a lot of sense. See, indecisiveness is ME. Oh gosh, is it me. My Cancerian nature I suppose, has a lot to do with it. But there's a difference, between 'I cannot decide which bottle of ketchup to buy at the store' and 'I cannot decide if I want to try to do something amazing or if I even want to be alive' and the latter, the latter is the crux of many of my life issues, right now. I just so terribly cannot decide which direction to go in. I cannot figure out what I want, how much I really love the things I love. The veiled girl and the traditional girl and I, like the man, stand between my choices but I cannot choose, I go back and forth, probably doing injustice to both because I CANNOT CHOOSE WHAT TO COMMIT TO. Even KNOWING that one of the options is just terrible, in the case of one particular issue...I still cannot choose to let it go, and the indecision gnaws away at me. What do I love? What do I really want? The question looms largely. Too largely, it seems.

As for what weighs too lightly? Well here we have the knight of fire, the wands suit of this deck. Like you might expect, this knight is rearing and ready to go. As is his horse. His sword is out, he is suited up, he is ready to take action, to take on difficult things, to take on the world. He is confident in himself, his abilities, and he has energy and motivation and drive and he actually DOES THINGS, not just THINKS about doing them. This knight has ambitions and goals to keep him focused. That, I think, is what I need more of, according to this card. Something to keep me driven, and some self-confidence, more willingness to take pro-active action, to go out there and get things done even when doing them is hard. Maybe I need to find some assistance, my proverbial sword and horse to help me take on the world and get things done. Energy, though, especially, and forward momentum.

Free Association Draw

This is exactly what it says on the tin: draw one card, write whatever comes to mind.


This is actually a card that comes up a lot for me in readings - not to represent me, quite (that remains, I'd say, primarily the Queen of Swords) but rather...my approach to life, generally.

The knights, you see, are about doing. About going forth, acting, getting things done. The knight of swords is passionate and rash - he flings himself towards whatever captures his attention at the moment, heedless of who might get hurt. Sometimes you really do need to just GO after something like that, without overthinking, with everything you have but that card comes up for me more as what I should be doing than any tendency I actually have. The knight of cups is a dreamer, the romantic, ruled by his heart, ruled by idealism. The knight of wands is passionate too, but more measured, more pursuing ambitions and goals than the impulsive sword knight. 

But the Knight of Coins? The knight of coins goes forward steadily, slowly, more weighed down by his armor, careful of his footing. The knight of coins moves forward mindful of his duties, his obligations. The knight of coins moves forward because he must. It is a pragmatic forward-movement...if passion isn't there today that's alright - there is routine, there is this map, there is this or that short term goal to move towards. If there is mud in the road you plod forward nonetheless. You trudge. You muddle through. Keep calm and carry on. If you cannot manage ambition, or idealism, or passion it's alright - there is necessity to keep you moving. 

Perhaps he goes slower than the other knights, not motivated the way they are by those strong feelings, calls, but neither is he as easily stopped. The ambitious can burn out; the idealistic can become disillusioned; the impulsive can get distracted. But the one who moves forward out of a grim sense of MUST, MUST, MUST? Pragmatic necessity is not so easily dispelled. Do you feel sick today, exhausted? Get up anyway. Have a cuppa. Go do what you need to do. Do you feel apathetic towards everything? Get up anyway. Pretend. Go to what you need to do. Did something you were hoping for not work out? Disappointed, sad? Shrug it off, go focus on what you need to do. And so on.

And sometimes you find that, having far fewer passions, dreams, ambitions - lacking real motivation and energy and drive, that kind of joie de vivre that so many people seem to have - when you step back and look, you see that you've accomplished just as much if not more than quite a few of them anyway. Why? Because you don't let all that distract you. Like this knight, you can take or leave all of it. At the end of the day, regardless, you put on that big suit of armor, grab your coin-shields, get on your faithful horse and plod on anyway. And you keep plodding, and keep plodding, and keep plodding forward. Step by step, day by day.

New Years Reading

Decided to do a simple little spread reading for the end of the year/start of the new year. Short and sweet is all you really need sometimes. (That and limited time but you know, details details.)
So two cards: the first in reflection on 2011, the second in anticipation of 2012.

So in reflection on 2011 we have here the Knight of Coins. In a lot of ways, this makes sense. The coins suit tends to reflect on the material, the physical, the external and concrete, and on this aspect of things at least, 2011 was a pretty good year, a year of some movement and progress, which is what Knights tend to represent. I did some traveling, I started graduate school, I moved to a new city, and I changed as a result my  living situation from one I didn't particularly enjoy to one I feel quite good/free/comfortable in. I even managed to find myself a part time job towards the very end of the year. So comfortable, yes, calm. The end in ending well in that regard at least. The city in the background, this new continuing chapter in my life.

And overall too, thematically - the knight of coins represents, to me at least, a kind of solid, enduring if not particularly exciting progress. The card of trudging on through life even if it isn't particularly exciting, of yes go on move forward, reliability and responsibility on going on because you should, you must. This knight isn't ruled by impulses, emotions, whatever is going on with all that. His feet are firmly rooted to the ground. His armor is well made and appropriately. He grasps that pentacle coin, props it up. He make progress because he knows its the reasonable thing to do, because he follows through on commitments. And again, on that level...I went from living with my parents (a situation not at all to my liking) and working full time in a job I didn't like and feeling intellectually unchallenged and frustrated, to starting grad school, moving to a new city, succeeding in my first semester of that, own apartment, etc etc. Not that this year has been good on all levels but...looking at it from this perspective...cannot say progress has not been made, of a sort. A reminder, this, to look on that positive side. What I have managed to do. For me personally, this card very much has that as an underlying meaning: that you can keep trudging on forward even when so much within you is screaming that you cannot, that it is too hard: back straight, one foot after the other, forward motion, slowly perhaps, with difficulty but nonetheless: forward motion.

Now in anticipation of the next year we have another coins card - seven of coins, an obelisk standing firmly in the ground. The suit of the material, and this card - the foundation is there. No need to make drastic changes, but rather focus on working on what you have started, on what you have. The obelisk is covered with coins, each representing various alchemical metals. As they go upwards they increase in purity, until at the top you have gold, considered to be the purest metal in alchemy, the goal, success, and wreathed with laurels. This is what you are aiming for, as you grope your way higher and higher, clawing your way up that obelisk. Transform, transmute, change. Distill away the imperfections, problems that weight you down. Aim higher yes, aim for better, improvements. Not radical changes, again, but small and steady, improving on what you already have. The same outdoor landscape, the same physical background, but try to have some goals, that laurel-wreathed golden goal to aim for, to grasp for. Try for positive changes, realistic ones, a progression, a ;adder, upwards movement, building and building on what you have. Especially physical realm, material realm: improvements here are concrete and inarguable - they can give you something to hold onto when other, more tenuous things fall apart. Concrete improvements and the promise of more. Career wise, school wise, living situation wise - how can you move forward even more in the new year? Get better. Aim for something and work for it. Successes here, even small ones, give you a reason, forward momentum overall.