wonders and dangers in life

The world is full of so many things - opportunities, possibilities, innumerable new experiences that can broaden your perspective, tickle your imagination, shape your memories and thoughts. There is earth and there are the things that can grow in the earth. You are born a blank slate and you live and as you do, roots and trunks and branches for, reach higher upward every year. You see paths in front of you and you follow where they may lead.

There is wonder in the world, and there is also danger, conflict, pain. There are shocks, major and minor, sudden and long-in-coming. To stay still and hidden is to see so little, and yet to venture forth is to risk. Sometimes you fall. Sometimes you watch someone else fall. Sometimes the risk is abstract and sometimes very much physical. You know this, as you know of the good. And just and so often we allow ourselves to take for granted the small joys we can find in life...so too do we minimize those dangers.

Every so often something happens to remind you of their existence: you spend an evening sitting on your living room floor giving your roommate ice and watching as a veritable stream of police walk in and out, take questions and statements, photographs. You listen to him say in disbelieve how does something like that happen right in front of your own house?

But such is the nature of life, of the World. There is always a balance, between withdrawing into yourself and engaging, between knowing your potential and using it, between guarding yourself or letting your hands be free to touch, to feel and explore and learn. Safety in the familiar or risk in the unknown - the exact measure and choice is different for everyone. You try to do what you an to make your own life and fulfilling and you can, as complete. I don't deny being reckless, to some degree. There are things I simply don't care about though I should, and there is that always burning curiosity, to see and do and run far...

Once upon a few years ago you spent a final week abroad walking around by yourself in a large foreign city because you wanted to BE there, to experience, to really see. You tell people about this, about how much you enjoyed those days, those long walks alone. You do not mention, usually, that one day among many - the restaurant and the waiter who followed you into the bathroom, who kept touching you and trying to hug you and kiss you as you writhed and said no and tried to get him to unblock the door; he did finally, and then followed you several blocks after you quickly paid and fled. It was unfortunate but it is a risk you take and such is life sometimes. You want to go somewhere strange and you do, and mostly it is amazing. You think someone is a mentor or friend and time spent with them is great until it's really not. So it goes.

So it goes and so you live where you do because you decided to spend a summer in an amazing place and thus only had a week to find somewhere to live that you could afford. So things happen, and yes, to be on guard, to be aware and ready to defend yourself if needed is good, but only to a degree. What is the point of living if you live in fear? What is the point if you make a list of so many things that sound amazing but that you will not do because there is risk? That is not achieving the concepts the world represents - for some perhaps there is no conflict, but everyone is different.

Guard but not too much, against the World. It has risks and and has wonders and to chase possibility means to encounter both.

doing the things that need to be done

The Tarot de La Rea, I must say, is a bit of an unusual deck when it comes to my reading with it. It's a TdM in structure, but between the switched elemental associations and kind of odd illustration of the pip minors, I initially had a bit of a hard time reading with it. Some might call it an 'art deck' but I don't believe in that concept: I either read with a deck, easily and regularly, or it does not stay in my possession.

Then someone introduced me to the Comte de Mellet reading method. Historical one, it basically involves separating the majors and minors, and placing them in two stacks. You count up from Ace to King, and at each count turn over the top of the non-majors stack as well as majors...if the number you say matches the number on the minors/courts, you but the major-minor pair down as part of the reading. Otherwise you put them both in discard stacks and continue on, restarting the smaller majors stack as necessary until you finish the larger stack. You basically never know how many pairs you are going to get. I've gotten as many as eight and as few as one. Theoretically you can get zero, but I've never had that happen. Using this method with this deck, I've that the readings I get are consistently very, very accurate. It's interesting too because rather than asking a question, the deck just seems to...address whatever it is you need to know about/hear.
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This morning, the spread gave me the following two pairs to ponder: Tower and Ace of Coins, Emperor and 8 of Cups.

Now, a Tower paired with the Ace of Coins is not a very reassuring combination but, upon reflection and given the second set of cards, I am pretty sure this is not an omen of impending financial disaster as much as a not so gentle nudge. See, I had a pretty standard plan on starting grad school that would have had me graduating at the end of this spring semester. Late last Fall, after pondering some things, namely my rather unfortunate lack of professional experience in my field of study, I decided to spread out my classes so that I would be finishing last (thesis) course in the Fall so as to use extra time in Spring/Summer to get some real internships. A rather scary change in some ways, because as much as I feel confident in my ability to DO work well...job hunting, particularly in my field, is a whole other story. And well...the progress in actually applying to internship positions so far has been rather....lacking. Very lacking in fact. Opportunity, or disaster, this pair reminds me - what do I want?

This is a plan that can get me far, or nowhere at all, depending on  what I do. Applying to 'real' jobs is intimidating and not something I have much confidence for, but Change often requires the frightening - falling out of that tower, hitting the ground hard. The Tower of Academia, we could even call it here. I love school. I love learning, reading and writing and I feel confident in my abilities as a student. But staying in the tower is not enough to get me the kind of career I want. Academic experience alone is not enough in this economy, this field. I need experience, professional experience, internship experience. The Ace of Pentacles opportunity requires a Tower experience, making that change, getting out of the comfort zone, venturing out into the tower beyond the familiar confines. Am I doing enough with that? This pair reminds me that, despite the free time I've had over the last couple of weeks, the answer thus far has been No, No, No.

The Emperor here, for me, indicates a need to take things in hand - a need for some organization, control, self-discipline. The cancer symbol confuses me a bit, as this major is definitely not usually associated with THAT sign, but also makes me smile because well, cancer I am. In the RWS system, the eight of cups is usually depicted as a figure departing, leaving something behind: what fears, insecurities, excuses should I be walking away from? In the Thoth this card has a backdrop of dark, cloudy skies and a title of Indolence. Haven't I been a bit indolent as of late? I need a break, I tell myself. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. Days pass and cover letters do not get written, applications remain unsent. Personal time is necessary, sure, but when there are things to do...well, self-discipline, time management indeed. The number eight is associated either with Strength or Justice depending on the deck. In this one it is Justice, Adjustment - to balance out self-care, emotions, creativity with the getting done that need doing. A tall order, this walking away and overcoming indolence and balancing? Perhaps, but the Emperor shows that it can be down. Firmness is needed, a systematic approach - break things down into steps, write the to do lists, go.

shipwreck that's not a disaster

So I finally got my copy of the new 2nd edition Victorian Romantic tarot. I got the mini, seeing as how I already have a full sized Russian version of the 1st edition, and have a disinclination towards owning decks that are too much alike. Must say, it is indeed quite nice, and the changes that the made... I approve. Finally have some time to properly blog with it, too.

I rather like the way there is a very distinct theme in these two cards. Both deal with a ship in water. In the first we have a gloomy, darkened sky; in the second, a raging storm. The woman in the first wears a red skit, and the same color again shows up on one of the folks in the second.

The Tower in the Victorian Romantic is really one of those cards where...the more I work with it, the more I come to appreciate the image. It's an unusual take - no tower or building of any sort at all but rather two figures, cast adrift, hanging off of the remains of a wrecked ship amidst waves, a storm torn sea. A sudden shock, a disaster of sorts it is.

Except....is it really, when you look at these two cards side by side? Unlike many, I tend to see the Tower as a mostly positive card. The woman is tied up, stuck. Perhaps she could work those knots loose, free herself if she was determined enough. She doesn't though, has become so used to the thought of herself bound that doing anything else feels impossible, unthinkable. So she sits at that dock, waiting to be herded onto the ship - a plaintive look perhaps, a wish, but no action. She sits.

How long would she go on like that? Who knows. The storm hits. The waters rage and the ship falls apart. There is cold and there is being soaked, tossed about. There is the sound of lightning and there is fear, yes, fear of drowning, of so many things left undone, so much inspiration lost. It never is very fun, at least not the whole way through, when the tower event or situations hits. It isn't fun to be thrown off balance, to see the systems and routine you have gotten used to gone. It isn't fun to be forced to change and adapt and learn how to deal with the new.

Change can be terribly, terribly hard - especially if you aren't even sure that you want it. Sometimes, though, that storm doesn't turn out to be such a disaster at all. Perhaps you will find yourself back on the shore, clothes soaked and torn, possessions gone, shivering and alone. But perhaps to, you will look down and see that your hands are now free - that there is so much more you can now try to do, see, learn.

towers and making the best of things

I had this card come up twice in two consecutive draws and well, what do you know...

I woke up feeling really, really sick yesterday. I haven't felt that completely unwell in quite a while. Because I knew I wasn't contagiously ill, and because I am stubborn and my criteria for staying home sick are rather high, I still dragged myself to school and class and participated, but it was really a struggle at some points.

Feel much better today, though still not completely well/back to normal. Like the Tower card would indicate, the sickness, though brief, rather disrupted some plans and just my inner routine/schedule in general since, besides physically forcing myself into my class, I didn't really get ANYTHING done yesterday. I love the stained glass effect of this Tower card, because it just really adds to the jumbled and disjointed feeling and that is so apt...

In truth though, like most Tower events, the getting sick thing was probably a rather necessary reminder/message from my body to my brain. I haven't really been on top of things recently in terms of taking care of myself physically as well as I should, and well: all actions have consequences, and all that.

There's a lot of background to that, and not all things I can really or fully or immediately change, but I think this 4 of cups, which came up with my second tower draw, offers a useful message. Sometimes it's really just about doing what you can to make the best of things. Making a conscious effort not to get sucked into the mindset of 'If I can't fix everything, why bother?' In truth, even small steps in the right direction can make tangible, positive improvements in your life.

Here we have the two angels, one of them holding up that candle, the other presiding over or perhaps blessing the cups. There is a nice, warm pink background to everything. And yes, one of those cups isn't upright, is spilling out, and perhaps that is a rather serious problem. What really strikes me about the scene though, is how unbothered the angels are by it. So it goes. Sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes plans don't unfold the way you thought they would. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you fail, cannot do or make yourself stop doing something. Sometimes a tower event -large or small - appears and suddenly everything seems a jumbled mess.

But what good is it, to dwell on the spilled cups, to nurture (fours, that empress association) negative emotions like frustration, disappointment, hopelessness, helplessness. Better, instead, to focus on making the best of things, in whatever way - again, small or large - that you are able.

My Favorite Majors: The Tower

The Tower is, without a doubt, a major with a very well defined, strong message. Regardless of what deck I am working with, when THIS comes up in a reading, I have a good idea of where to begin reading/what it could mean. It's been kind of a theme in my thinking about life for a while now, so pretty familiar with this card, and actually do have a certain odd fondness for it.

That said, it was rather difficult to pick out favorite cards for this one - not because there were so many that I loved, but rather the opposite. Not that I actively dislike most tower cards more...I feel neutral towards many. They are nice enough, and they get their point across well. But very few, I find, really shine either aesthetically or conceptually.

XVI. Tower

Favorite:
There's a lot to like about this tower card, for me. Firstly, the color scheme makes a nice change from the warmer tones found in many Tower cards I've seen, all the runny blue and purple. I also like the idea of the tower as a tree type dwelling...once very alive, vibrant, now old and rotting. The lighting ignites it, which is in fact what happens in nature all the time to trees, and here we see the result. The burning of the branches and leaves, the coming apart of old things. The composition of the images is also quite nice and works well for really seeing what's going on in the card. It's a pretty simple tower card, overall, but the color and the metaphor especially really work for me.

Runner Up:
Another from the Thoth, ha. What can I say? There's a reason this deck so rapidly came to be one of my favorites... But yeah, the card is very...put together. The reddish-orange color scheme meshes perfectly with the card's Mars association; the black tones exemplify the darker, more difficult aspects well. Love the art style - it really is a visually stunning image, and one that really, really does not pull it's punches insofar as the meaning of it goes. Lots of great symbolism - the eye of shiva, the dove in the corner, the bars in the windows and doors of the breaking tower, the crystalline figures falling out of it, so afraid they will break apart when they fall... There really is  a lot to latch onto, and unsurprisingly, I've gotten some really good readings when this card came up in the spread, both for myself and others. And honestly, the mouth in the bottom corner of the card...silly amusement on one level, a certain extra level of fondness for the card.

tower in perspective

So a final draw with the La Corte dei Tarocchi before putting it away for a while - this one is most definitely a keeper.

This Tower card, I must say, is particularly appropriate right now. A sudden change, a major shift, the old and familiar coming apart - certainly not a surprise or negative, in this situation, and yet nonetheless. The title of this card makes it immediately clear what it is in reference to, in this draw: Babel, languages, communication. In two days I will be getting on a plane and spending the next ten weeks living in a country where English is not the primarily spoken language, seeing how far my rusty french can get me, studying arabic intensively. I was actually supposed to brush up on both this week and that just...hasn't happened at all...

I suppose it's only now really striking me (another appropriate metaphor, to this card) that this is really happening, and very, very soon. I feel unprepared - I am, at least from a packing and even procuring things I need perspective, still unready. That taking care of the details card from the previous reading? Yeah, overwhelming. Big change, big event, HAPPENING, and I feel...overwhelmed by the details of what I need to do.

The queen card is an interesting contrast. She looks quite assured, doesn't she? She has the situation firmly in hand. This card kind of reminds me of my mother, actually - she is a virgo, an earth sign, and much better than I in the details getting done end of things. She actually helped me a lot in terms of getting my apartment cleaned up when I was moving out last weekend, which was another part of this rapid series of changes which...LOOMED, but then was resolved without too much trouble. The dog in the card also catches my eye, enjoying itself, seeing the coin as a game, something to try to catch. Perhaps a shift away from this stress stress attitude would serve me well. Bigger-picture wise, I do see this as a very exciting adventure, but in the immediate term, when I see suitcases that need to be unpacked and repacked and my belongings strewn across two rooms it's hard not to just...stress.

It will be good for me, to keep this queen in mind. Poised, assured, a hand on everything, capable of getting things done. And the little dog, full of so much energy and simple joy...

making things happen

Having those two options in front of you - the choice, those possibilities - is certainly difficult. You ponder and write and try to figure out what exactly it is that you want, and how to come to a decision...

But what about after, when you finally settle on an answer, finally commit, in your own mind, to truly putting your all into making that vague plan into a concrete reality? It is easy to stare nervously, anxiously at the doorway in front of you. It dwelling on the sudden realization of all that you still have to do with a certain sense of dread. It is easy to wish and to dream, and it is easy to worry and fret. Yes, it is easy to stand in place doing all of those things.

What is harder - necessary, but certainly harder - is actually buckling down and taking care of all of the concrete details, the tasks ahead of you. To look down at that long To Do list, take a deep breath, and start to actually take care of those things, one at a time.

What is necessary now, once you've determined that you WILL pursue this, is to slog on through the muck, to trudge forward through all of the little obstacles, the difficulties, the tediousness. A pragmatic approach is necessary, and a certain bit of determined stubborness. Force yourself on even when you aren't feeling it,  when you just feel overwhelmed. Force yourself forward even when you fell terribly, terribly tired.

The truth is that yes, I have decided, truly decided, to try to make something that would, to me, be an absolutely amazing experience a reality. And to do that I must get very many [often frustrating] things done in a very short period of time... I find  that I don't read as much with reversals these days as I used to, but with this deck, doing so feels particularly appropriate:

The Tower is usually about great, sudden, painful change. Necessary trauma, the tearing away of the old... Here, reversed, we see a different kind of transition: they are not falling, these haunting, skeletal figures, so tired and starved. No, instead they are floating up - floating on a stream of the etheral dreams, floating away from below, the suffering etched onto their bodies, their skin.

Sometimes when that sudden traumatic change just isn't possible... Another approach: the slow building up of something new, brick by brick, limb by limb. An escape, if only for a time, from the familiar, those thorned restraints. Perhaps this cannot be that true, permanent shift, the violent knocking away but... it is a hint, a taste of that freedom. It is the chance to see how it feels to fall, to throw yourself into something higher up.

a jumper and a shadow card

So one interesting this I've noticed...well, I make it a point to only keep decks that I 'connect' with and can read pretty easily, and with most of my decks I can shuffle, do whatever spread or exercise strikes my fancy, interpret, usually use reversals and voila. But with some, often the ones I have a deeper liking for and connection with...well, they are 'special snowflakes'. They refuse to be read reversed. In the de la Rea's case, one and only one spread. And, I am noticing, with the Thoth...it doesn't like to be read in spreads at all. For exchanges fine, it will comply, but when I am working with it personally...I have tried numerous times to read with it in a spread and just...oh, it will give me a message, sure enough, and a GOOD one, but it will have nothing to do with the spread in mind. I know instinctively if I have to draw one or two or three cards, and really I get the best results by just shuffling, drawing, and letting it 'speak' to me as it may.

Tonight was interesting in that, in addition to the core reading (which speaks to a personal problem I'd rather not get into detail on here) of two cards, I also had a 'jumper' card that fell out not once but twice while I was shuffling, and felt obliged to use a 'shadow' card, from the bottom of the shuffled deck...both of which are concepts I generally don't hold with/do much, but which made perfect sense here, and, taken together, came to a sort of reading within a reading of their own...

So this card was the insistent jumper, and in the context of the whole reading it was rather appropriate. Kind of saw it in the 'high' position above the two main cards. Those basically referred to a Devil type issue interfering with my Science striving, an issue I was thinking about earlier in the evening (this is what I mean by random draws from Thoth tend to be SO ON POINT), and its a card that came up a few days ago, when I was feeling particularly fatalistic minded and needed a good kick in the right direction, ha.

Basically, the message here as I see it, in this queen, is that you can overcome those problems, the obstacles to your success and fulfillment. This queen actually mirrors the RWS version of Strength in some ways, with her hand on the leopard - normally a rather wild, dangerous animal but here perfectly tamed, obedient. She sits on a throne of fire, again in control of the heat, emboldened by it rather than burned. The orange and red and yellow energy in this card both focuses towards her, rising up through her from within, and radiates out from her, a crown of light illuminating her path. She holds that pine-cone staff, ready to make things grow, to create. To me, the message here is to have more confidence in your own inner passions and ambitions, in your own creativity and drive. Instead of focusing on shortcomings, on things you could have done better or areas where others handle things better than you, focus on YOURSELF. What you want, what you are capable of, how much you have accomplished in spite of some rather serious problems and obstacles. Its that creative passion that drives you, burning from the inside out. You want more from life, you want to DO something, have a positive impact, go places and see things, write something of value, and not just in small everyday ways. There are minors that have a similar message but no, here, with the queen, the bigger picture. Self-assurance, self-confident drive...and especially the image of a self-assured, confident WOMAN asserting herself, acting, striving for what she wants when so much of societal messages still have so many negative correlations and obstacles to THAT...

Below, as the shadow card, we have the Tower. A card that's been all over my life and reading this year. In truth, because it needs to be, because I still haven't really done the hard work of knocking down things that need it, of making true, major, difficult, painful, and very necessary change. A shadow card, in the background, thematic - because yes, in the short term if I harness the energy of the Queen I can mitigate some of that issue, but really...that feeling that I could be getting so much MORE out of those Science aspects of my life I so love if there wasn't that big Devil problem coloring everything, draining so much of my energy, time...it's a logical assessment. Even the Queen....in the current circumstances, channeling that means finding the energy to stay afloat. Stay afloat with difficulty, with stress and frustration, because of those IDEAS that float around in my head, because no matter how difficult other things are reading and studying and discussion still sets my mind ablaze...but if there was that Tower change, that could mean more. Those rays of light from her crown could extend so much further...

The eye of Shiva watches the destruction in this tower, knowing through the lens of eternity that it is necessary, illuminating it. Flames, like those of the Queen, from below and within but here, under the influence of Mars, they are not burning with positive passion but more aggressive than that, stronger, they cause that old stone structure, with the bars on the window, with the misery inside, to fall. Crystal-like figure are falling out, the painful tumble downward, so fraught that it is tempting to stay within that tower, but to listen to the dove, the reassurance, the glimpse of the next arcana to come if you can just hold and get through this...

It strikes me, the similarities between these: the flames from below driving the action in the whole card, the crown or the eye above radiating light, the color palette of fire, white-themed in the Queen for the positive energy and black-themed in the Tower for the necessary destruction, the darkness that must be faced, fought, dispelled. Fire for action, Mars for engagement, the Queen for accountability...yes, these two together added a very necessary layer/message in regards to the core issue described by the other two cards...

advice for a visit home

So I am visiting with my parents for a few days, just got here after a four hour bus ride...napped on the bus so not terribly sleepy, so thought I would draw a card with some advice/insight for how best to spend my time here.

I must admit...the Tower was not what I was expecting. I mean, yes this is a change, a bit of a break from the stress of school and work, but not THAT big a change. And certainly there is no need or reason to shake things up with my parents in any major way.

Thinking about it more, though, it occurs to me...well, the Tower has been thematically on my mind for quite a bit now...there are just so many things in my life that need this kind of change - large and small things - and yet making it happen is so difficult....and of course, its even MORE difficult to do what you need to do to knock down the tower and deal with all of that scary, sometimes painful consequence - to long drop into the ocean below - if you are also dealing with the demands of everyday life. How exactly does one go about taking care of major, longer term problems when there are three papers due and presentations and two hundred pages of reading?

So I have a few days away from all that, a bit of time to breath. I have a couple of things that need change eventually, some moreso than others, some changes more major, some more immediate...and of course, something of the magnitude of the Tower can't necessarily be taken care of in three or four days but...if you break it down, there are concrete steps you can take, basic things that will move you a few steps forward in the right direction. Making productive use of the free time to actually follow through on doing those...yes, yes that would indeed be a good way to spend the next few days.

Also, perhaps the mental aspect as well. Dealing with Tower-level change is difficult: the fire burning, the building, the things that are so familiar (even if not good for you, really) crumbling, the feeling of things falling away...it is its own type of stress, and taking some time to process that mindfully...especially when you know you have to be the one to blow up the Tower in the first place...yes, some mindful thinking and acceptance work...again, not a bad idea at all.

jumping on the tarot and quotes bandwagon

"Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always known it, the loss of all that gave one an identity, the end of safety."
- James Baldwin


“Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape. ”
- William S. Burroughs


“Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.”
- Spencer Johnson