Monday, January 23, 2012

dealing with disappointing others

A while ago I did a reading about dealing with being disappointed. While that is definitely a useful subject, it occurs to me, due to some things going on right now, that I also have definite issues with dealing with disappointing others. Not with being a disappointment, but with taking specific actions that are likely to result in someone else being disappointed.

Essentially, this is a kind of conflict between my INTP/Queen of Swords type logical nature and my Cancer side...because the more I think on it, the more it seems just due to empathy. The INTP in me doesn't like to think of myself as empathetic, per se,'s really not about people 'hating' me. Yes, I try to be nice and please people when I can but...not at all costs. If I am being reasonable, and someone isn't happy, their problem, eh? And in some cases, this is in dealing with people who I don't even particularly like/am not impressed with/have clearly shown they don't care all that much about my needs/feelings. And yet...I still feel a bit guilty disappointing them. Why? Because I know how crappy that feels and I can't help but want to...not inflict that feeling on others if I can avoid it. But the INTP in me says, you need to take care of yourself too. This is what you need to do, regardless of the possible effects. Inner conflict inner conflict so let us draw some cards then, eh?

What's interesting here, of course is that it's a three card draw of all reversals. That's always something to take note of. I know a lot of people don't read with reversals but for me, with the exception of a few decks where it just feels wrong to do so, I do. Always have. See, when I first started reading, and found out there was the option - well, being the slightly masochistic must challenge meself person that I am, of course, new to Tarot, I would choose the option that meant learning twice as many meanings! Lol, but really, at this point it feels natural to me, and reversals just add....shade and nuance to readings that I appreciate. But nonetheless, an all reversal reading is still a bit 0__o. In context though, it does make sense.

Here's the message I get from these cards - sometimes, you just can't really win. You can't have it all, you can't somehow magically synthesize two opposing desires and make everyone happy happy and please yourself and please others and get what YOU need to get done, done while also doing the thing that someone else wants you to do for them, and you will drive yourself crazy if you insist on trying.

If you want to look at it from that kind of perspective, either way there's a negative - either you are 'selfish' and 'flakey' or you are making yourself miserable and stressed being 'flakey' regarding other things. If you try to please everyone someone, and possibly even everyone, will end up losing anyway. You really do just have to pick one or the other and accept the opportunity cost/loss and move on, stop dwelling and feeling needless guilt over doing what you need to do. Which is not to say the choice is necessarily the same in all situations - if it's a choice between spending a day relaxing and de-stressing, a nice planned mental-health day as it were, and doing a much-needed favor for a good friend, perhaps you do need to sacrifice the me-time; if it's a choice between getting through some of that huge pile of academic obligation and house cleaning/organization and errands that's looming over you, or making time to meet with someone who has shown very limited interest in your needs, well then, looks like it's time to just focus on doing what you need to do for you.

Use logic to make the objectively best decision you can given the limitations of your situation.

Empathy is a good thing. Compassion and consideration are all good things. Need to remember to apply them to yourself too, though. Sometimes you need to put your needs aside and really help someone out. Other times, you needs to put yourself first. Both are perfectly legitimate decisions. Your needs are worthwhile too.


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