Tarot Poem Prompt

I admit that I sometimes dabble in writing poems. By and large, I only write them when an idea for one pops into my mind of its own accord; doing anything else tends to just feel forced. That notwithstanding  I decided to see what would happen if I drew two tarot cards and tried using them directly as a prompt for a short poem. Here be the result...

victory in truce

a victory it is, of sorts -

not quite bartered away

or sold, that very last bit of your soul.

it lies here, between us - your dreams,

your words, your thoughts

only half-buried, tamped down

and heavily glossed.

it scratches at the back of your throat

as you stand in front of the waiting crowd,

smile, accept their applause.

life as an adult

A puss in boots, sword at the ready: a new adventure awaits. The feline page of swords in this deck reminds me, in more ways than one, of childhood. I think of the story books I used to read, the ones that were never quite just about entertainment - Polish language all of them, first read to me and later on, me made to read them myself, out loud, language study drilled into my brain. I remember cassettes in the same language, stories listened to in long car rides back and forth between New York and Pennsylvania.

I remember playing at sword fighting with my then best friend, searching for perfect sticks, fallen tree branches we could use for our duels, pretending we knew something about proper posture and movement. Sword fighting in her grandmothers backyard and next door in mine as rain drizzled over our heads.

Everything felt so much more possible when we were kids. The first time I met her I insisted that I was a witch - according to my child logic, the fact that I could balance on my stairwell railing and jump off the side of it, several feet down, without hurting myself was somehow evidence of that. So many plans and possibilities and dreams that seemed real, then.

Perhaps it is because you have yet to collect so much baggage, as a child. So many memories and experiences, anxieties and fears, habits, compulsions. There aren't yet so many chains wrapping themselves around your body, trying hard to hold you down in the same place. The cat with the sword moves forward with confidence, ready to take on the new, sure of its own mind and intentions. The plain in front of it is so wide, so empty of obstacles. Clouds dance and sail through the skies.

When you are older you do not look so far ahead. You set small goals, reasonable hopes and even so...trying to conquer a single thing can be so draining, feel so impossible. You find so many tangled knots unwilling to be undone. A string of self-defeating behaviors and habits and issues and each time you try to leave one behind you find, after a time, that you have merely replaced one bad with another.

And all the while, trying to balance dealing with those chains with new beginnings of a different sort. Will they hold you back from moving forward in other ways? Or will it be a step forward here, a stasis there, all dichotomy and juxtaposition? Life is rarely so very clear, once you get beyond a certain age.

thankfulness

I may not be a fan, at all, of the culture and celebrations and historical background of this holiday, but well. The idea behind it, at least, is worthwhile. So a simple question:

What should I remember to be thankful for today?

The goggle-eyed frog in this picture stands at attention, a defensive stance. He carries a wand, and we can see eight others behind him, forming a sort of fence, a barrier, a safeguard.

Certainly the frog is doing what he can to stay alert, to protect himself and what's his. But what draws my attention in this image are those wands - those pillars of support, those tools. Where would he be without them? How safe can you be if you have nothing to rely on?

Reliability, support, a foundation - something you can fall back on when need be. I have parents that continue to be willing to help and support me, to the degree that they can, even though I am an adult now; I have friends I can talk to, trust. I have cards and books and the healthy coping mechanisms I have managed to slowly develop over time.

More basic still: I have a safe place to live. I have access to food, clothing. I do not live in a country where I have serious reason to fear for my life when going about daily activities  All my life I have had access to clean water, basic medical care, education.

Of course those are the bare basics, but unfortunately, so many people do without them. Doing research for another presentation, readings about Armenian genocide...depressing, that, very much so.

I have tools, internal - my mind, my resilience - and external, situational. A basic level of stability from which I can build, grow. Its such a basic thing, so close to us, that it is easy to forget about. Made up of so many things that you don't even think about until or unless you suddenly find them gone. But they are worth remembering, and appreciating. 

In so many ways, where you start in life is just a crapshoot, a throw of the metaphorical dice. It's easy to focus on the obstacles, on what you were born lacking - but important also to remember the advantages, those wands, the comfort of fortifications.

On the move

A spot-on reflection of my life right about now, and I suppose an explanation of sorts for why my posts have gotten a bit scarcer as of late here. (I have a history of starting blogs and then abandoning them and don't want that to happen with this one, so I always get a bit nervous when I notice I haven't been posting much.) It's kind of funny, but I haven't been feeling all that much enthusiasm for a number of my decks that hew very closely to the RWS images of late, but the Magical Forest remains an exception to that trend. There's a certain mood to this deck, a certain use of color that continues to enchant me.

On the move, yes. The wands are flying through the air on their way to this or that goal. The golden tone of the background reminds me of dusk, and of fall. I always have such mixed feelings about autumn...on the one hand, I adore the color of changing leaves on trees; on the other, winter is by far my least favorite of times, and the coming of it fills me with a certain bit of dread. But so it goes, and so it is Fall, and things are moving swiftly indeed.

A lot of deadlines are coming up, papers and presentations to get done, research and writing. I had two presentations just yesterday, and two more next week. Reading to do, and so on. Entire days spent in classrooms or the library at school. However, there is a difference between now and times like this in the recent past: that three of coins. We see work here, creating of a hall, a temple; work that comes from within, that you do as much for yourself as for others. Work that you can enjoy the process of doing. This time, there is a lot less stress, and a lot more positive productivity involved. I feel capable of getting things done. I actually had - fun - writing a paper I had to hand in and present on yesterday. I spoke for fifteen minutes in Arabic about Tunisia and my stay there over the summer, filled a powerpoint with fun pictures, impressed my professor.

I would like to say this is all me, just me developing a better approach to things, but well. Credit where credit is due: by taking action a few weeks ago...I think I may have finally found a professional who actually *listens* to me, and medications that actually help with some very long-term issues.

Traveling tonight to spend the holiday with parents, but not much of a holiday it will be with all the schoolwork to get through. I've also taken some action in terms of setting up a plan of sorts which, if things go as I hope...I would spread my remaining classes out so as to graduate from my program at the end of next fall instead of this spring, take an extra semester of scholarship supported arabic study, and use the extended time to work on developing my resume/gaining much needed experience in my field. I've been reaching out for help from the staff of my program, their career resources. It's more things to run around and take care of, but well.

Swiftness in Work. I still use the Thoth regularly for myself, though I try to focus on other decks here for variety's sake...finding that it's titles stick in my head regardless...

making your own happiness

The magician here stands before the Stonehenge, a place man-made ages ago that continues to awe and impress to this day. He points is wand upward, ready to work, to channel power from above into the earthly realm. He is ready and able to make use of all the tools at his disposal.

Next to the ten of cups, I see here a reminder of the importance of taking an active role in shaping your life, in creating that environment of comfort, fulfillment, happiness. If you simply wait for things to get better on their own, for good things to happen to you, for someone else to swoop in and fix what isn't working, you might be waiting a long time indeed.

Even more important, the magician is making reality as he conceives of it. Want and will and action. Making your own happiness isn't only about the action...it's about figuring out what you want, what that means for you. In a lot of ways, the more I think about the ten of cups, the more I question this kind of commonly portrayed representation. Is this what true happiness and satisfaction is supposed to be? A heterosexual partnership and kids, a life at home? Does that make me inadequate, if I am alone? Does that mean that a person who chooses not to have kids will never be truly fulfilled, or the person that doesn't like to settle down? At this point in my life, this image makes me feel vaguely uncomfortable. If I were this woman right now, I would not be happy. I would feel trapped, constrained, overwhelmed.

Satisfaction means different things to different people. The important thing is figuring out what will bring you closer to it, and then working towards that, whether the steps be big or small.

a matter of focus

Today's draw brings back some themes from the previous reading, coming at them from a bit of a different perspective. Here again we have one of those less than joyful cups cards, the five. Usually this card shows a figure brooding over the broken or spilled vessels, ignoring the whole ones. Here we have something a bit different. The cloaked figure seems to be ignoring both. Instead he looks out at the water, fishes skipping through it, the way the sun and the color of the trees reflects on its surface. Perhaps he is taking a moment to think beyond the cups, beyond the immediate, positive or negative. He could be brooding, sure, looking at the water and not really seeing any of it, too absorbed in his own thoughts, problems. But maybe he is, in fact, appreciating the beauty that nature provides us, the little details that can bring us such joy and can be so easily forgotten, overlooked.

Perhaps he is using this time to meditate on the large picture, to think abstractly. The energy of the fish in the water, the warmth of that sun, the slow passing of clouds in the sky - what can that inspire within us? There is always possibility, somewhere around us. Even if it is still vague, a chalky sketch on a plain far ahead of us, a hill we will have to climb up and conquer. There is possibility and opportunity, and so much of that may not be what we planned or expected - it too, like the reflected color of tree leaves on water, can be overlooked so easily, if we insist on remaining absorbed in what was, what could have been.

There are so many things in life that we may have wanted, dreamrf of, planned for that, it turns out, were not to be. Will we spend more time dwelling on that, letting it cloak so much else, or will we focus on the new, on the future, on that vague outline that can slowly grow, become real to us?

current strength and weakness

So to start off a new week with a rather more conventional deck than the last, I'd thought I'd do a bit of self-inventory. A short sort of spread, two cards:

What is my greatest Strength right now?

What is my greatest Weakness?

----

Again here we have my year card, Justice. As I wrote a week ago or so, I've been making some strides, small though they may be in the grand scheme of things, to bring some more equilibrium and balance to my life. In the last couple of weeks I've gotten a better handle on some more problematic habits of mine; I also feel more caught up on/on top of my school-work than I did earlier this semester. I've been working more actively on trying to build on my to do list system, to get more organized about things in the longer term as well.

The Druidcraft tarot is known for its rather big-footed people, and this card is no exception. Here, the bare feet on stone remind me that I have gotten more grounded, particularly in the daily type of things I need to be doing. The owl reminds me of wisdom I have, experience, the sword of my ability to harness logic and critical thinking to my advantage. Self-reflection and self-awareness. I generally have confidence in my ability to assess things and think of solutions, when I make an effort at being objective. Both with personal and professional/academic issues, I think this objective, balanced logic of mine is a major strength indeed. I trust my judgement, my ability to weight things. I can follow authority when I feel it is worth following and question it when it needs questioning, and I can separate my personal feelings from my objective assessment in both cases (ie., I hate this, but it is the right thing to do; This is great for me, but the fact that you allow it shows your incompetence.)

The second card in this spread reminds me that, despite my awareness of this and the work I've done to try to develop a more pro-active and positive-minded approach to things, I nonetheless still tend to...focus over-much on the negative. I see both positives and negatives, can appreciate the good, the progress, and yet in my mind I tend to minimize the formerand dwell and brood on the latter. This card is especially apt because for me, it often isn't the dramatic kind of sorrow of the five of cups, but rather the kind of listless apathy of this four - I see the bad cups, the defective cups, the problematic empty cups, and I dwell on them. I think about the future and consequences and implications if the problems remain unsolved, but solving them seems so impossible, such a pipe dream. I dwell and do nothing, despair and resign myself and rediscover my apathy and worry some more and withdraw again into nonchalance.

Of course, changing thinking is especially hard. Action however, is less so: you can, deep down inside, believe that you will never get those cups filled up again, but that doesn't mean you have to continue to just lie there on the branch. You can force yourself up, force yourself to pick up those cups and get to walking towards the water. Perhaps you are right, perhaps you will never make it - but you can certainly still try. My weakness is this kind of resigned apathy that tempts me to give up before I've really even started; self-paralysis, inaction. 

power of vision

We have here the page of swords - her head, her face, is concealed, outside the image. What we see instead is her body, arms wide open, ready for whatever may come. A bright red dragon tattoo stretches across her skin. Dragons, power, confidence, strength. In the red we have passion, fire. This page has intellect to guide her, too, ingenuity, imagination. She is young, ready to venture into the world, ready to take on challenges, ready to prove herself.

But for what? In the three of wands we have opportunity, potential. Red again, for energy and passion, for vision. The snake slithers and travels up, the other two wands taking on various complex forms. The ability to see what you want, to believe that it is possible to achieve. Inspiration, from above or from deep within yourself. The tools to make that idea real.

I have a lot of reading for my classes about insurgents, rebels, terrorists. Readings about what drives radicals, why religious terrorist groups are more deadly and dangerous than the secular leftist and nationalist groups that preceded them. Quite often, these groups are made up of many young men, pages, somewhat well educated; many leaders, historically, have been trained as doctors and engineers. And what drives them to take such extreme action? What motivates recruitment? Why do some groups succeed in preventing defection, infiltration  internal disunity? What drives someone to sacrifice their life for an abstract cause?

Vision, vision. There is so much power in a clear vision of what you want, what you believe in. If you can so clearly see it is easy to do so much to grasp it, to take the power within yourself, that dragon, and harness it ruthlessly - especially if you are young, without the baggage of so much experience to weight you down.

In less extreme circumstances too. One of my main meta-issues right now is a general sense of feeling adrift in life. One would think that being in a Master's program is a pretty clear indication of knowing, at least in a general sense, of where you are going or what you want, but I find that isn't the case at all. I question more and more why I am doing what I am doing, what, if anything, it is going to get me, besides a mound of debt I can't imagine being able to pay off. I question why I do most anything, sometimes.

Those times in life when I have had that vision, a sense of knowing what I want, and believing that I could get it, seeing a way...I have managed to do much, even when faced with significant challenges. I love learning, thinking, analyzing, writing, trying new things. All of that can serve me well. But when the vision isn't there, when everything is such a blur, it's easy for pessimism to set in. Then, even the simplest things can seem so tediously pointless.

I think this is a reminder for me, a push to think and clarify. What is important to me? What do I want? What do I think I can achieve in the short-medium term? Crack that eye open again, at least a bit.